Chapter 3

Julia showed her ten o'clock patient out, then went to her reception area, expecting to find her regularly eleven o'clock for that day waiting. Instead, there were three women, and Julia looked at her assistant for explanation.

"Mrs. McCall had an emergency. These women had called earlier this morning, and they were able to fill in."

Suddenly feeling uneasy, Julia picked up the appointment book and checked the three last names. She was already pretty sure, but the names made it certain. The women were without a doubt CeCe, Val, and Sandy. It had been three weeks since she started seeing their husbands. "Ladies, I'm terribly sorry. There has been a misunderstanding. I won't be able to see you."

"Could we schedule for another time?" CeCe asked. Disappointment and more showed on all three faces.

"No, I did not mean just today. I won't be able to take you on as patients."

"But we'll each pay the full rate," Val plead with Julia.

"No, I'm sorry. It just won't be possible," Julia said, more firmly than before. This was an extremely awkward situation. She could not even give the women a reason without breaking confidentiality. The healer part of her wanted in the worst way to take them into her office and figuratively shake some sense into them.

Val and Sandy reacted with visible dejection and incipient tears. Cece, however, stared fixedly at Julia for several moments, then almost jumped up and down as she shouted "You're seeing our husbands, aren't you?!"

"I am not allowed to reveal the identity of my patients," Julia explained as gently as she could.

"We... we'll sign a release! You can tell them everything about us! That's right, isn't it, girls?" Her look at the amazed Val and Sandy was pleading. After initial confusion, they both nodded. "There! Now you can see us, can't you?"

'Well, that didn't work' Julia thought to herself. She would just have to flat refuse them. It was not the way she liked to treat people, but besides the conflict of interest problems, she just did not want to deal with these women. She had developed too much empathy for the husbands.

"I really am sorry, Ladies, but this just would not work out. Let me give you a few names of doctors that I respect."

This time, it was Val who reacted. "Wait! You don't want to work with us because you don't like us!" Ashamed that her reaction had shown on her face, Julia compounded her failure by blushing. Val was not done. "We're desperate. We screwed up, but our husbands have gone way overboard, and... Hell! You know all about that!"

Julia had a momentary fear that Val was going to hyperventilate and pass out, but she took some deep breaths and continued pleading their case. "Wouldn't you be able to help the men better if you worked with us, too? Don't you think there should be some kind of contact. A lot of great years are going down the drain for all of us the way things are. Please! You can help us more than anyone else. Sarah Tolliver says you're the best there is."

Julia looked at all three of them several times, weighing her decision. She had done only occasional marriage counseling, and she knew how emotionally draining it could be. Her sessions with the husbands had to be scheduled at the end of the day or on Saturday mornings. The intensity of their feelings was beyond even her professional capacity to ignore. She had already decided that she would never do group sessions again, except for family groups. Now she was actually considering taking on another, related group?

Overriding all other considerations with Julia was the feeling from the husbands that these were all good people with basically solid marriages. The inquisitive part of her was dying to hear how the wives could have screwed up such good things. She also believed that at least some of the marriages should be salvageable. Wasn't that worth some risk?

"I can't give you a decision for about ten minutes. Will you wait?" Of course they would wait, overjoyed that there was at least a chance. Once they realized that Julia was treating their husbands, she became like a lifeline to them.

Julia managed to reach Will on the first try. "Will, I have all three wives here, expecting an appointment. Because I am treating you, that would create tremendous problems. Well, they figured out from my refusal what the problem was, and now they are frantic for me to work with them. They said they would release me to tell you anything and everything that I learned. What is your reaction?"

"God! I don't know what to say. What do you think?"

"Well, back to my point about expecting reconciliation: it's impossible without some kind of contact. If we work it right, this would be a contact that you could manage, so to speak. I will make it clear to the women that in case of conflict of interest, you take preference."

"I need to talk to the others. I'm for it," Will said. Within five minutes he had agreement from Bud and Trent.

Julia did not call the women into her office, but stood in front of them in the waiting room. "I have agreement from the men, but..." she was cut off by actual cheering mixed with a little crying. "Wait a minute! There are some conditions that you may not like."

The three sobered up and waited for Julia to give them the bad news. "First of all, I do not have permission to tell you anything that I learn from them, and I cannot promise that I will obtain that permission." All three deflated noticeably at that news.

"Second, I must consider the men my primary patients. If there is a question of conflict of interest, they get preference. Is that clear?" That did not seem to deflate them any further.

"Last of all, I have to be honest with you, even though this is totally unprofessional. This is a totally unprecedented situation in my practice experience, and I feel I owe you my opinion. I go into this viewing you as the offenders and the men as the victims."

That definitely deflated them further, and they all looked forlorn as they absorbed her words. "Perhaps with those conditions, you would feel more comfortable with another doctor."

Val seemed to have some grasp of therapy and asked "Even though you feel that way, you would still try to help us, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would, but you have to realize that I won't help you if it hurts the men."

"Well, you're the only doctor who has contact with the men. It's the closest we've been for a month, except for those terrible emails. I say we do it." Val said that looking at her two companions. The nods of assent were given quickly.

"Can all of you stay until 1:15? Tell Judy what kind of sandwich and drink you prefer, then come on in."

"First of all, Ladies, I need to have clarity on some things. If we cannot achieve that clarity, I will still have to send you home." Again, there were three simultaneous gasps. "Cece, using I instead of we, tell me in one short sentence why you are in this situation."

A little confused at being singled out, Cece looked panicked for a moment, then stammered out "We... I... went to some swingers parties."

"How did that put you in this situation?"

"He... he left because of it."

"I still have not heard a clear statement of the real problem. What did you do that cause him to leave?"

"I said... I went to swingers parties," Cece whined.

"Come on! This isn't hard. Someone help her out. If I can't hear this loud and clear, there is no point in continuing."

"We don't understand what you're getting at?" Sandy said with real concern.

"What did you do that made you husband leave you?"

"I cheated on him!" Val finally said.

"Cece?" Julia prompted. After a long, sorrowful gaze, Cece echoed Val. "I cheated on my husband." Julia extracted the same admission from Sandy.

"OK. That's the first step - an admission of your action. I sincerely hope that you all believe what you said and are not just saying it to placate me. Now, Sandy, what was the effect on your husband?"

"Well, he left."

"That's not what I mean. What was the personal effect on him?"

"He... he got so angry he left."

"That's probably true, but I'm looking for something else. What did your cheating do to him?" Julia was ready to throw them out of her office in disgust when no one answered for many seconds. Instead, she took a deep breath. She was going to use some unprofessional sarcasm, and she was going to do it on purpose.

"I'm sure there is a fascinating story that will give some insight into why you all cheated in the way you did, and I am frankly quite anxious to hear that story.

"However, it appears that you still do not appreciate the impact of what you did on the husbands that you supposedly loved, so..."

"But we still love them!" Cece almost screamed and the other two chimed in.

"I'm afraid that this is one case where actions speak louder than words. Based on what you did, I will have to operate on the assumption that you no longer love your husbands. It will be up to you to show me how you could reconcile love and cheating." Julia could not recall when she had hit a patient harder in the initial session. She just sensed something about the three of them together that demanded a strong attack.

"Now, maybe - just maybe - you can reconcile that in your own minds because you really do not understand what you have done to them. Since you are paying me to try to help you, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and operate under the assumption that you just did not realize what you were doing to them. Is that enough for you to want to continue, or would you rather leave right now with no charge?"

No on had ever talked to any of the three women that strongly, at least not in their adult lives. Each of them had an instinctive urge to get out of there. What held them back was their desperation to do something to gain some kind of contact with their husbands.

In that respect, the men's separation strategy was proving absolutely correct. The women had no lingering delusions about the seriousness of the dilemma. The month apart and the cold tone of the meager communications had each of the three certain that her marriage was in mortal danger.

"We... we'll stay," Val whispered.

"Good. Now, I need to sound like a professor. I think we need to review some basic anthropology, so bear with me.

"Procreation is one of the basic drives of humans. That drive manifests itself in both men and women, but in somewhat different ways.

"Men are born to compete. They compete for the privilege of inseminating as many females as they can. They compete the hardest to inseminate the most desirable females. The most desirable are the ones who will produce the most survivable, most competitive offspring.

"It is part of the male psyche to want to have sex with every female that catches his eye. It is not a character flaw - it is the way they are wired.

"Now don't get feeling all smug. We women really don't have anything to brag about. We are just as driven by the need to procreate. We strive to give birth to the best children, those that are the most survivable and competitive. Sound familiar?

"How do we give birth to the best children? By being impregnated by the best males. We are wired to entice the best stud around to have sex with us. Is that clear so far?" Julia stopped to take a drink and let her comments sink in.

"OK. In prehistoric times, a dominant male got access to the best females by killing, subduing, or driving off his competitors. It was very much the same system as with many animal species today. Females obtained the sperm of the best males by making themselves the most appealing to the males.

"What we have, in our natural state, is a strict survival of the fittest situation. However, onto that, we have little by little layered civilization. A definition of civilization that I like is this: controlling, curtailing, and/or restraining our natural urges for the sake of enlightened self-interest.

"Hopefully, I have not put you to sleep. Believe me, I am getting to the point, here. One very important concept of civilization is marriage: the permanent access of one male to one female that is understood and respected by all of the other males and females. You could say that marriage benefits all by eliminating the worst aspects of competition and allowing everyone to apply their talents and energies to pursuits that benefit the entire society.

"There are, of course, other benefits from marriage. Since human children mature slowly and require a long period of care and training, a stable family unit is beneficial for the long-term growth of the society, as well.

"When entering into a marriage, both a male and a female agree to permanent compromises. The man agrees to limit his urge to spread his seed and agrees to inseminate just his partner female. She may not be the absolute most desirable female in the tribe, especially today, when the tribe is almost infinite in size. He will always encounter another that he considers more desirable, but he decides that she is the one that he will be satisfied with indefinitely.

"The woman also makes a compromise. She probably has not attracted the dominant male of the tribe. In such an immense tribe as we have today, she will always encounter another man whom she wishes she could mate with. She has made the choice, though, to be satisfied with the seed of her partner indefinitely.

"For humans, the compromises involved in marriage are easier because of that thing called love. That strong emotional attraction between a male and a female is the secret that lets marriage work.

"Today, instead of clubs and raw strength, men compete with wealth, power, and luxury. Instead of just comely bodies and enticing pheromones, women also compete with wealth, power, luxury, and adornment. Of course, I am simplifying and trivializing, but you get the idea.

"Now, after that long-winded explanation, what went wrong in your marriages?"

"I don't really think anything was wrong with our marriages," Val claimed.

"Oh?" Julia prodded. "What about the part where the woman chooses to be satisfied with the sperm of one man, instead of seeking to be impregnated by the very best? Did you all do that?"

As Julia had expected, none of the three responded. Neither was any of the three able to look her in the eye.

"You see, it's as simple as giving in to your basic, primal urges. There is another important factor that has made your situation what it is. Remember how I stressed the naturally competitive nature of men? Well, in a marriage-oriented society, a man no longer just goes out and fights for any woman he decides he wants. But as compensation, he 'possesses' one woman exclusively.

"It is certainly not PC to talk about one person possessing another, but that's just too bad, because that is exactly a man's view of his wife and her body. Contrary to popular psychology, it is not a character flaw that men must be trained out of. It is built into the human male DNA.

"Validation of his sexual prowess is very important to a man. He can no longer impregnate numerous women to demonstrate that prowess, at least most men do not. Therefore, his sole validation is in the possession of his woman.

"Even more important to you three is one final thing - respect. As women, we may never completely grasp the importance of respect to a man, but we ignore it or underestimate it at our own peril. One could safely say that women and respect are equally important incentives for a man's natural competitiveness.

"I don't want to seem like I'm hammering you, but there is no way to sugar-coat this. Much of your husbands' self-respect was tied up in possession of your pussies." Julia's use of the street word was purposeful. "You gave them away, delivering the cruelest possible blow to their self-respect."

"Damn! Damn! Damn!" Cece swore. "Does that mean it's hopeless?"

"I can't say it is ever hopeless," Julia stated. "We're talking people here, and people, and love, can make surprising things happen. If I did not think there was hope, I would not be talking to you now. But I don't think we are quite finished examining just how bad the situation is, yet."

"Oh, God!" Val moaned, "how much worse could it get?"

"Do you have any reason to believe that your husbands have been unfaithful?" Julia pressed.

"Not really. What do you think? You're the only one who has been able to talk to them," Val moaned.

"You know I cannot answer that, Val. When you decided to go swinging, did you just assume that they had cheated already so you were justified?" None of the three answered.

"So, the working assumption is that your husbands have lived up to their marriage vows. Next session, I want you to tell me as much as you can about your marriages."

Two days later, at the next session, Sandy interrupted before Julia could start the intended topic of the session. "I watch every kind of relationship show I can find. I read a dozen women's magazine's, especially the 'marriage improvement' articles. I've read a whole shelf of relationship books. How come I never before heard some of the stuff you told us last time?"

Julia was human - very human. "Did any of those shows, magazine articles, or books suggest swinging as a way to improve your marriage - swinging without your husband?"

There was a simultaneous gasp from all three women, and Julia jumped to her feet. "Sandy - all of you - I am truly sorry for that totally unprofessional comment. I warned you that I would have difficulty dealing with you. I apologize for my failure. Perhaps we had better part company right now."

There were many seconds of silence before Cece asked "Do you really see it that black and white? We're the bad guys and they're the victims?"

It was Julia's turn to be silent. "I don't want to compound my error by answering that. Really, I don't think I am the right person to counsel you."

It was Val who stepped in at that point. "Dr. Waxman - Julia - you did warn us. Maybe it's good for us to know how protective you feel about our husbands. You know, we all do love them very, very much, in spite of what we did. You are still our only link to them, except for the kids. Um, I'd like to hear your answer to Sandy's question."

Still standing, and quite shaken, Julia looked at the other two and saw agreement. With a large sigh, she sat down and gave the same talk about the 'deification of the female psyche' that she had given to the men three weeks earlier.

"How can everything be so lopsided?" Cece asked. "If what you say is true, and I believe you, how has this happened? Why have men let it happen?"

"Do you really want another soap box speech?" Julia asked with the first bit of humor she had been able to manage since her gaffe. All three patients nodded.

"I see two reasons. The first, and an enormous one, is economic. Women spend the vast majority of the money on products advertised in the media. There are some notable exceptions: cars, beer, computers, audio, but that all pales in comparison to the vast dollars spent on advertising clothing, cosmetics, food, jewelry, etc. If the shows or articles do not please the advertisers' target audience, the ad money dries up.

"In a very real sense, today's consumer economy is fueled by promoting the battle of the sexes - from the women's side.

"The second reason has to do with the male ego. In general, men like to think themselves above all the 'psycho-babble'. I think the general male attitude toward all the shows and the articles could be described as a combination of indulgent and condescending. Of course, they know what happens to any man who raises a voice in protest."

"Wh... what happens?" Cece asked, setting Julia up beautifully.

"All those shows and articles turn against them," Julia replied. "Let's face it, ladies. We have the power - between our legs. Men are just not suited to shooting it out on the sexual battlefield. For us, it's as natural as breathing. We are genetically equipped to use sex to offset the superior physical size and strength of men."

Julia called a short break to refill water glasses, then changed the subject. "The plan for today was to talk in detail about your marriages. I would much rather do this with you individually, but let's see what we can find out together."

The wives talked in great detail about their marriages. It was a very tearful discussion, with each of the wives breaking down completely several times. When the discussion wound down, Julia delivered the cruelest blow. "So, how would you compare your marriages to those of most women you know?"

The response to Julia's question was a deluge of tears that lasted for minutes. Cece, the first one able to speak again, asked rather angrily "Are we just paying you to make us feel worse?"

"No, Cece. I get satisfaction by helping people feel better. I sincerely apologize for what I've had to do, but what was the attitude of all of you when you first came to me?"

"Scared."

"Sorry."

"Missing him."

"Yes, I'm sure you felt all of those things. But weren't you all angry with your husbands because they wouldn't talk to you? And weren't you puzzled why they were reacting as they did?" The three looked at each other and nodded.

"We could not get anywhere with a possible solution if you did not have a realistic understanding of what happened and why they feel as they do. Are you still angry with them? Are you still puzzled?"

"Not puzzled, I guess," Sandy answered. "But it's not fair that they won't talk."

"Was what you did fair to them?"

"Um, no. But..."

"Do you think perhaps they might want to punish you? What better way to punish a woman than not letting her talk?"

"Did you put them up to it?" Val demanded.

"When did the silent treatment start?" Julia countered. Val looked shame-faced.

"When I first met with the men, I was against the silent treatment. In retrospect, I think it was a good idea."

"Why? It's cruel," Val said.

"If you had been allowed to talk to them, you would have done some things that would have made them even more angry and upset. You would have tried to explain it away as just meaningless sex. You would have tried to downplay it as no big deal, when it is in fact a monstrous deal to them. You would have accused them of overreacting. Other than having one of the family killed, this is the worst thing that could happen to your husbands. So, the silent treatment has prevented you from making things worse.