Chapter 11

Before we left the lake, Elizabeth told us she preferred to be called Beth.

She chided her brother for calling her Lizzie and exclaimed, "You know I don't like that name!"

I remembered being twelve, and Beth's body was beginning to show the early signs of maturing. She had two small bumps on her chest with a vague nipple outline in the center, along with a half-dozen downy hairs atop her tiny cleft. She hadn't started her growth spurt yet, so she didn't look coltish or gangly. Her skin was very fair and pale, and we advised her to use sunblock. I visualized her at seventeen, thinking she would be a striking beauty.

Over the summer we developed a pattern to our days. Wednesdays were for softball practice and Saturdays we played the games. Monday and Tuesday we cleaned the house and did laundry; Thursdays and Fridays were set aside for grocery shopping. Sometimes in the evenings we'd go to a movie or out to dinner, and most times Mom would agree to go with us.

I called her Mom all the time now and she seemed to enjoy it. At least I think she did. I'd had a tinge of guilt the first few times I'd done it, but those had disappeared with time. I slowly got used to the fact that my biological mother was dead, and another woman - thankfully! - had taken her place. I tried not to compare the two of them in my mind, but it was hard not to. The memory of Michelle Caldwell gradually faded and became locked inside a tiny door in a remote corner of my heart. The wound was healing, and I tried not to scratch the scab.

Sundays were lake time, and Eddie and the kids joined us almost every Sunday. Sean was reticent to talk about what was happening at his house, but over time I understood Billie and Sue had reached a plateau of harmony. Their relationship was working and the twins were rapidly becoming people instead of little monsters.

Belinda and Shelly came to the lake with us a half-dozen times, but usually sat some distance away from the rest of us and talked or made out. The sight of them kissing and hugging caused some questions from Beth, so they were asked to limit their activities to their bedroom. They complied, grudgingly.

We talked over our concerns about Beth with Mom, and one evening after arrangements were made with Eddie and Ann, Eddie dropped Beth at the house. Beth had warmed to us and had started asking questions about her body. We had decided to let an expert explain it completely, so Ann had come to dinner.

After the five of us had eaten, Mom and Nollie and I went to watch TV. Ann took Beth to our room and they talked. As we were told later, Beth had many misconceptions, probably acquired from her friends or schoolmates. When Beth and Ann came out of our room two hours later, they were smiling. Beth had a small bag in her hand, which she shook victoriously at us with a big grin. Eddie picked Beth up around ten o'clock, and we knew she was informed.

Ann's only negative comment was, "The poor girl needs to eat more! She is way too thin!"

Our team was six and two by the end of the regular season in August and we thought we had a fair chance at making the semi-finals. The tournament was played in Amory on two fields side by side, covering two days and ten games.

We did fine and got to play for a semi-final berth, being six and one in the tourney. Kelly's Oilers whipped our behinds nineteen to four, then they played Amory's Co-op Implement Company for a chance at the championship. It was hard fought and close, but the Oilers eventually won, squeaking out a two to one win.

It came down to the Sterling Lions Club and the Oilers to see who was the best, but I could tell from the second inning that the Oilers were outmatched. They gave it their best and we cheered and yelled as loud as their teammates, but in the end it was Sterling twelve, Oilers ten.

The trophies were handed out, the beer coolers were opened and the gas grills were lit for the celebration. We ate burgers and hot dogs from the grill and wandered around talking to various people. It was a lot of fun and I considered doing it again the following year. Nollie agreed it was good exercise, and especially nice since there were very few men present. Nollie didn't dislike men; Eddie was our closest male friend, but I knew she felt more at ease around women.

There were quite a few female couples that played, too. It wasn't obvious; no one carried a big sign saying, "I'm a lesbian!" but watching the pairs when one of them would get a hit or make a great defensive move, I could tell who was cheering for who. I was happy to think that I would probably be doing the same thing when I was forty years old. These ladies and girls were our kind of people. Some of them, anyway.

We got ready for school, which was scheduled to start on September 4th. We emptied and cleaned closets and went through clothes, throwing away whatever was too worn and torn. I decided to dig into my boxes and Nollie helped.

One by one, old memories flooded my mind. The boxes contained the short version - the remains, if you will - of my mother's life. There were all the photographs; some of me as a toddler and some older. The papers I found included her marriage certificate, my birth certificate and the title to an old car. Her old jewelry was present, including her wedding rings, which I'd never seen. Other rings, and the locket she'd worn around her neck the last time I'd seen her were in there, along with several old watches and some costume jewelry.

One entire box was filled with things I'd made for her in grade school and papers from Kindergarten. Crayon-smudged pieces of construction paper, which were all signed, "Love, Sarah." I teared and cried, and Nollie held me. I remembered seeing some of them on the refrigerator.

There was a small packet of letters, tied together with a red silk bow. I opened one, and after reading the greeting of, "My Dearest Darling Michelle" in very feminine script, I put them back in the box. I couldn't invade her privacy in death - I just couldn't.

Three boxes were full of knick-knacks. She had collected salt and pepper shakers and certain pieces of glass. A sugar and creamer set, a couple of old, old vases, and over a dozen ceramic cats. We had never owned a cat or dog; I remembered asking for a puppy when I was about nine or ten, but I never got one.

There were other ceramic or glass pieces and quite a few paintings. Mostly landscapes, but none had a signature I could find. In the end, I resealed the boxes and restacked them the way they'd been. I took my birth certificate, her wedding rings - those went into my jewelry box - and one four-inch tall pink ceramic cat, which I laid on my dresser. There was one wallet-size photo of my Dad and her when she was pregnant with me. That went into the bottom of the jewelry box.

I flopped on the bed in our room, exhausted. It was more mental than physical, and I knew I'd scratched my scab. It hurt more than I expected, and I didn't know whether to be glad or sad.

I said, "Nollie, I don't know what to do with all that stuff. It's all that's left of her, and I can't throw it away!"

"I know, sweetie," she replied. "Let's leave it stored for a while, and then we'll see. We can save it for our kids or something, or when we decorate our house."

"Kids?" I said. "You want kids?"

"Maybe, someday," she replied. "I think I'd make a pretty good parent, and so would you. You've had some rough times, and you know what a good parent is supposed to do."

"Are you saying Michelle was a bad mother?" I asked.

Nollie got into the bed with me and held me.

"No no no no no," she said. "I'm not saying that at all. Michelle loved you to the best of her ability. I do think that the alcohol got in the way of that - at least a little - and you were the one who suffered the most. Sean too, and even the twins to an extent."

"Yeah," I sighed. "It's all just too morbid."

We cuddled and kissed for a little while and I asked, "So how you gonna do the kid thing? Artificial insemination, or am I gonna hafta use a turkey baster?" I giggled, because I thought the turkey baster idea was funny.

Nollie didn't; her face took on a serious mien and she said, "I'm going to do it the old-fashioned way."

I sat up and moved away from her. "You're serious?" I asked. "You're gonna let some guy fuck you?"

"Yes I am!" she said angrily, "and it isn't going to be just "some guy"! I want to know the father of my baby, and I want him to know something about his child. Is that so wrong?"

"But you love me!" I cried.

Very quietly she said, "Yes I do, with all my heart and soul. And I want you there, from the moment of conception until I give birth. And forever after. I want you by my side, now and always."

I digested that. She wasn't leaving me; she wanted to add another person. "Like a threesome?" I asked.

"No," she said, "not unless you want to. But I want you there, with me."

I shivered. The thought of sex with a guy gave me the heebie-jeebies.

"That's scary," I said.

"It's a lot less scary than having some technician poke a tube up your cunt and deposit some unknown quality of frozen sperm," she said. "Plus it's a lot less expensive."

She had a point, but who would it be? My mind thought of several possibilities and Eddie came to mind.

I asked, "Were you thinking of anyone special? Eddie, maybe?"

She laughed and said, "No, Eddie would faint if I asked him. I was thinking someone that we both got along with, had a reasonable amount of intelligence, and was mildly attractive. I don't want a perfect baby; just a baby."

"Sean?" I ventured.

She hooted with laughter and said, "God NO!" He's too young, and he's your brother."

"He's not my biological brother," I reminded her.

She mused for a moment and said, "I have a feeling we haven't met him yet. I'm not trying to get pregnant tomorrow, you know. I think we'll know him when we see him, though."

We cuddled again and kissed, and the mild argument was over. I loved her. If that was what she wanted, I'd do my best to see she got it.

As seniors, we got our schedules and class times in the mail. Our first day was very easy; all we had to do was show up, confirm we were still alive and get our lockers. We chose two lockers on the end of a row nearest the door after we visited the book store, then went to lunch. Sean was a sophomore now, and we could eat lunch with him every day.

The novelty of the school possessing something as exotic as lesbians had worn off. Three girls I didn't know sat at our table and didn't even ask first. Shelly and Belinda were there, and Sean took Eddie's old seat at the end.

Classes were going to be a little tougher this year, but at least I was through Chemistry. English, Government, and Physical Education were required, and I chose Biology, Physical Science, and Photography as my electives. Nollie chose Typing, Advanced Biology and Physiology as hers, mindful as always of her future career.

Gym for us was fourth period, with lunch following. Mrs. Oliver welcomed us to class with a smile and a wink, and said my ring was pretty. The classes we shared were English, Government, Gym, and the ubiquitous Study Hall in fifth period. We rode in her car as usual and found a space in the student lot. To claim it on a permanent basis we had to inform the office, and did so. No more parking on the street. We were seniors!

My old boyfriend Brian Hayes shared two classes with me - first period English and third period Government - but he did little more than glance at me. I saw him walking with the same girl most of the time and mentally wished him well.

By the 15th of November, Belinda and Shelly had broken up. I thought it had more to do with their families' objections to the match than anything, but Shelly said she was tired of Belinda's bragging. Shelly found a new friend by the name of Linda Litrell, a brown-haired girl who was six inches taller than her. They sat with us and Belinda moved on. After Thanksgiving, Belinda acquired a new companion, Sharon Litchfield. She was short and blond, almost a carbon copy of Belinda, and I knew her from Government class.

Sean got quite the reputation as a ladies man by sitting at our table for lunch. His classmates would ask for introductions to one or more of us and he would laugh. He was teased by all of us until one day he brought a girl to the table.

"Hey guys!" he announced, "This is Antoinette Moore. She likes Tony better, and she's my girlfriend."

She was cute, blond, and very much in like with Sean. Bubbly with a nice sense of humor, she was about Sean's height and shared quite a few of his classes. Sean treated her like a lady, opening doors and carrying her books. When some of the older guys teased him about it, he told them to fuck off. Before we knew it, Christmas break had arrived.