I often read stories where the male character bemoans the fact that he does not understand the way women think. That seems surprising since they have thought the same way for millennia. Surely in that time we would have learned to mitigate the effects even if we don’t understand the cause. ‘Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me’. What can you say about men who have been fooled by the same story for thousands of years?

THAT WAS THEN.

After they had settled in for a few weeks, the Lord approached Adam and Eve with a proposition: remain forever in the Garden of Eden with the rest of the dumb animals or taste the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. The downside of getting smart was that they would be excluded from the Garden.

Adam thought about it while he was resting on the biblical equivalent of the recliner, a cold beer in hand and a football match on the idiot tube. He liked things as they were. He did not toil, neither did he spin but he had a comfortable home, plenty food and multiple channels of sport and Netflix. He would remain dumb and happy, thank you, especially now the Garden had its own craft brewery. Just then, an outrage on the screen set him shouting at the referee and he put the idea of knowledge out of his head.

Eve was out on their deck improving her all-over tan as she considered the Lord’s proposal. She truly appreciated all the amenities. She had no responsibilities so she could enjoy the tranquility of her backyard. Apart from the murmur of bees, the only sound was the friendly rumble of the lion next door chatting to the little lamb who shared his lounger. They were such a cute couple, him with his magnificent fur collar and shiny teeth and her with those darling ash-blonde curls.

They had been in their yard yesterday too, just as she had and they would probably be there tomorrow. Right there was the only problem with Eden: every day was the same. To be blunt, it was already getting boring, and a lifetime of sunbathing would drive her nuts. The Tree of Knowledge sounded quite exciting, and she would certainly give it a try if the Lord hadn’t made the point that he would throw them out if they ate the fruit.

She truly did love it in Eden, and she didn’t want to risk that to taste the unknown fruit. She considered talking it over with Adam, but she knew he would want to hold on to what they already had. She was very fond of Adam, she thought with a smile. If she asked him to, he would trot off and pick the fruit for her even while protesting that it was a bad idea. Life with him was good but there must be something more.

She decided to walk over and have a closer look at the Tree of Knowledge. As she stood there looking at it, the serpent slithered up alongside her – too close, as usual. The girls in the office said he was a snake in the grass but he was handsome and quite flirty in a naughty way. Last week she had a spot on her chin. Adam didn’t even notice, of course, but Serpent licked his finger and placed it on the spot. “That will have to do until I can kiss it better,” he whispered. She had to laugh even though she knew she should tell him off.

Now he nodded towards the tree. “Why don’t you try the fruit?” he asked, leering at her. “Why don’t you?” she replied. “I ate some of the petals when the flowers died,” he admitted. “That’s why I’m so much smarter than the rest of you.” Then he slithered off, laughing.

Eve walked under the branch and found herself nose to nose with a ripe fruit about the size of an apple. It would have been so easy to reach up and pluck it. She shivered at the thought, imagining what life might be like outside the Garden of Eden. She didn’t exactly run home but she was certainly out of breath when she flung herself down on her lounger.

Her thoughts continued to circle round the Tree of Knowledge. The Lord had been clear on the consequences of eating the fruit. It might be totally worth it, of course, but how was she to know unless she tried it? Serpent was still in Eden even though he ate the petals. Was there, she wondered, a way for her to sample the fruit without the Lord knowing? He claimed that he missed nothing, counting the fall of every sparrow but he had to look away sometimes, even if only to blink.

He would obviously know if she plucked the fruit, but she remembered that the ripe one she had seen was at head level. Perhaps she could take a single bite without disturbing the fruit. Even if He noticed a piece was missing, she could say that she had seen a huge wasp buzzing about. If the Lord chose to believe that it was the wasp that had bitten the fruit Eve would be off the hook. A single bite would be enough to show her the advantages of knowledge.

She gave herself a day or two to go over the plan looking for weaknesses. In the end, she decided to take the risk, which is why mankind found itself clever but out in the wilderness.

ADAM TODAY

I was sitting in my recliner, a cold beer in my hand and a match on my ninety-inch flat-screen television. It was a dreadful game, so I muted the sound and thought about Eve, my wife for the last twenty-six years. We have brought up three kids who now have families of their own. Ours had been a largely amicable marriage for the most part but Eve has been having an affair for the last three months.

Having read the first chapters of Genesis I had, of course, anticipated that. It is clear that treachery is hard-wired into women. As a man, all I could do is cope with it. Even the Lord, who made her, could not prevent her treachery over the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge so there is no possible way for mere humans to stop them. Even before we met, I had prepared a carpetbag and a parachute so I could bail out when the time came.

So, why hadn’t I dumped her? The truth is that I have become complacent. I have kept the financial arrangements ready, but I had allowed my list of replacements to lapse. After a divorce, I will control how much Eve receives. I have increased her share over the years to reflect her loyal service to the family. She will be comfortably off – I see no point in being unduly harsh. I look on the cost of divorce as a legitimate business expense.

I decided shortly after I left home to attend university that I wasn’t designed for solo living. I like to think of myself as an epicure; quantity is much less important than quality. This is true in bed or out of it. I want a clean home, home-cooking and well-laundered clothes every bit as much as a world class blow job. I always put mousy women at the top of my reserve list. I flirted with them at parties to learn more about them.

Since she began her affair, Eve has been less conscientious in her household duties but she is still doing well enough so that I could take time to find her replacement. She showed no interest in having sex with me but, as I said, quality is more important to me than quantity, so I decided to wait until I had made my choice for the future. Yesterday, my plans were thrown into disarray when I got a phone call at work from Maude, Eve’s best friend since they shared a room at college.

Before she married Charlie, Maude was top of my list of replacements. We still flirt since we share many interests and always enjoy interesting conversations. A year ago, she divorced Charlie for his serial philandering and since then she has changed, for the worse in my opinion. Where we once chatted about anything and everything, Maude now lectures me.

In the old days she might have elbowed me in the stomach and told me I should lose the beer belly. Now she tries to fit the entire syllabus of Nutrition 101 into a social evening. Where she once dressed attractively in knee-length frocks with high necks, she now wears designer dresses that finish above the knee at one end and close to her navel at the other. At the same time, she seems to be targeting me. Where we once were buddies, I have become prey.

Her call to me was an impressive piece of method acting. She hated to be disloyal to her best friend but some duties superceded affection. She had no wish to distress me, but I needed to know that Eve was in a passionate relationship with a younger man. She ended with an assurance that she would do anything to alleviate my suffering. I doubted that her motives were entirely altruistic.

There was no doubt in my mind that, having gone this far, Maude would increase the pressure until I took action to burn the bitch and hasten into her waiting arms. I booked a few days’ leave after I had disconnected. I had known of the affair from the outset but I now felt the need to collect information so I could plan my response.

Over the years, I have come to know many of the people who work with Eve. I called eight of them this morning. The three men were reticent, and I learned nothing new from them. The five girls had no inhibitions. They gladly gave me all the gossip. Eve’s attempts at discretion did not work. Everyone in the office knew and there were sweepstakes on many aspects of the affair: how long would it last; when did they first do the dirty deed; when would the big boss see what was going on right under his nose.

A couple of the wagers involved me: when would I find out and how violent my reaction would be. My five lady informants tried to wheedle information from me that would have given them an advantage in the sweepstakes. One major surprise was that two of the five girls asked me to put them on my list of possibles after I dumped Eve. That gave me three options with Maude.

I was almost dozing off when I heard the front door open. A moment later, Eve appeared in the door of the family room. She looked as if she had just gone eight rounds with Mike Tyson. She smirked when she saw me. “There’s dinner in the microwave,” I told her. “You’re a sweety, Adam,” she replied. “But I’m exhausted so I’ll just have a shower and collapse on the bed.” When she got to the door, she turned and asked if I would be coming up soon.

I told her that if I was late, I’d sleep in the guest room so as not to disturb her. “You’re one in a million,” she yawned as she headed for the stairs. I pondered her last remark. Did she want sex or was she trying to avoid my advances? It was over two months since we had been intimate, and I wondered if she had even noticed that I no longer made advances.

I was hurt at first by her rejection of me in favour of another man but then I remembered that all the delights of the Garden of Eden hadn’t prevented the original Eve from defying the Lord. Losing her to Justin was hardly a surprise and certainly no cause for heart searching. His name is Justin Turner, but I call him Justin Time since Eve is not getting any younger.

EVE TODAY

Adam really is a darling, I thought as I climbed the stairs using the handrail to help my legs still trembling from the pounding Justin gave me this evening. He had made dinner and left it for me, and I noticed that he had tidied the living room. I was even more impressed when I put my dirty clothes in the empty hamper when I undressed for my shower: he had done a washing.

I do love Adam. In fact, I think I love him more than when we first married. It’s just that Justin does something to me that Adam can’t match. I’m forty-eight years old and here I am, still shaking from the excesses of pure sexual bliss I enjoyed tonight. As I douched out the last traces of Justin, I resolved to give Adam some sex. It’s not his fault that he can’t satisfy me and he’ll be happy with so little.

By the time I was dry, I had decided to let Adam have me if he insisted. Then I gave a wry smile as I got out my un-sexiest nightie. I would say ‘Yes’ but there was no sense in putting the idea into his head by wearing sexy clothes. Getting settled under the covers, I tried to remember when Adam and I last had sex. Sometime last week, I thought although I couldn’t recall which day. I fell asleep on that thought.

My affair really started with Charlie, Maude’s husband. Not that I fancied him in the least, but the discovery of his many infidelities started an avalanche. Maude and I have been best friends since college. We managed to keep in touch while we were both preoccupied with raising kids. Once the youngsters were in school, we became even closer than before. Charlie and Adam were polite to each other on social occasions but could never be buddies.

After the first trauma had eased, Maude became angry with herself for the failure of her marriage. “I can hardly blame Charlie,” she confided. “His new slut is gorgeous and I’m nothing but a frumpy housewife.” I tried to be reassuring but she did have a point. When I got home that evening, I stripped and looked at myself in the full-length mirror – I mean really looked at my body critically. I’m still gorgeous!

The next day, we joined a gym. I didn’t need the exercise, of course, but Maude gets over-enthusiastic over novelties and my presence will keep her grounded. I intended to drop out once she was settled but I found myself enjoying the experience, not least the friendly attentions of about a dozen fit young men. I have always enjoyed male attention although I had been totally true to Adam since we began dating.

Most of the gym rats were ideal companions, being polite and respectful but unstinting in their admiration. Co-workers and clients could learn from these young guys. Of course, they pressed us for dates but accepted rejection with a laugh and a quip. Many older men become unpleasant when I turn them down. A few of my fellow workers have been attractive enough to be interesting but a sulky pout when I won’t go to lunch with them kills any incipient romance.

It is the unattractive men who are most persistent. There have been times when I’ve considered joining them for a drink after work just to shut them up. If I turned the tables and encouraged them to elope with me, they would run back home to their wives. I never had the nerve to try that. I was happy to reject my workmates and bask in the safe admiration of the gym lads.

Maude would talk of nothing else but attracting men. She became an expert on nutrition, for example. It was fun at first, researching recipes that enhanced the libido and improved your skin tone. Sadly, as happened so often, Maude went too far and is now a crashing bore on the subject. You can see people’s eyes glaze over when she talks to them at parties. Adam, bless him, is the only one who will spend time with her and even he is obviously thinking of something more interesting like watching paint dry.