Chapter 10: Late February

"I am truly amazed at the strides you both have made just in the last month, and much of it is being accomplished by the two of you working without me being there. That tells me the paths of communication are open again and working well between the two of you. That's very gratifying."

The counselor looked at the couple for a long moment.

"What would you say if we started meeting just every two... well, say three weeks for a while to see how it goes?" he asked them.

Barbara and Steve looked at each other. Steve crooked an eyebrow a fraction of an inch and read something in his wife's eyes. Barbara had no objection. Verne chuckled to himself. The subtle nonverbal communications couples developed after living with each other was working well between these two again.

"That sounds okay," Steve answered for both of them. "We can always go back to a more frequent schedule if we need to, right?" Mr. Houston nodded.

"Okay," Verne said briskly, "we'll set it up for every three weeks then. Thursday evenings still good for everybody? Good. I'll just..."

The counselor punched a button on his phone and waited. He frowned when there was no answer. He tried it again. There was no response.

"Give me a minute," he told the couple, getting to his feet. "The darned intercom has never really worked right... I'll just be a moment." He hurried into the outer office.

"We don't need to talk about important things just in front of him, do we?" Steve asked his wife when they were alone. Barbara shook her head decisively.

"We're both adults," she said. "If we get too pissed off with each other, we're smart enough to see it and do a timeout or something." Steve nodded.

"That's about how I see it," he agreed. They were quiet for a while.

"Kim said to say hi," Barbara ventured. Steve was surprised.

"She did? When did she say that?" he asked.

"She called from Dallas this morning," Barbara said, "before I went in to work." Steve nodded. He didn't know what to say for a moment. He decided to just say what was on his mind.

"Is she still mad at me?"

Barbara laughed.

"No... she got over that a long time ago," she assured her husband. "She wanted really bad to cut your heart out for a while there," she said, "but she's okay now.

"Kim's been getting a lot of really intensive counseling," Barbara continued, "and she sees she was heading down an awfully dark road. She's about to the point where she's ready to thank you for caring enough to stop it dead.

"Actually, you wouldn't believe the baggage she's been carrying around since she was only about six years old." Barbara shook her head in bewilderment. "Mom and Dad's little girls have been two messed up puppies, you know that?"

"Well... the "dark road" thing wasn't the only reason I told your parents about it," Steve muttered. "I'm still not happy with what I did to--"

"We agreed we didn't need to discuss that again," Barbara reminded him.

"Yeah," Steve sighed. "But sometimes I feel so guilty for being such an ass with her... and then talking to your parents the way I did." Barbara patted his hand comfortingly.

"Honey, they've all three forgiven you... you know that," she said.

"I know," Steve replied softly. "Sometimes I wish they'd be mad as spit at me," he muttered. "The way your mom and dad treated me when we went over there at Christmas... well... I wouldn't have blamed him if your dad had hit me in the face instead of shaking my hand."

"Well, after Nony had a long talk with them and pointed out Kim was just a step away from overdosing or catching her death of disease, they were willing to be a little more compassionate than they would have otherwise," Barbara told him.

"Nony talked Dad into hiring that investigator to make sure all of those amateur porn tapes of Kim's were accounted for, you know. They never did find any more of them after that one guy in the first video you say you saw gave his copy up... nothing ever showed up on the Internet either, so it looks like all that is going to go away."

"Uh-huh... your Nony has really been working hard in all of this," Steve remarked after a time. He didn't really like discussing Kim's videotapes.

"You've been seeing an awful lot of her the past few weeks, haven't you?" he asked idly.

"Uh-huh," Barbara answered. There was a hint of nervousness in her voice. "She's good for me, don't you think?" Steve nodded his agreement.

"Nony likes you an awful lot," Barbara told him.

Steve smiled. He liked Barbara's grandmother right back.

"Okay," Verne said as he bustled back in the door. "Shelia's got it set up for you to be here every third Thursday for the next two months... and then we'll reevaluate, okay?"

"Sounds good," Steve answered, looking at Barbara. She nodded.

"Excellent," the counselor said. He beamed at the two of them. "So what shall we talk about tonight?" he asked. "Are there any questions that haven't been answered in your mind?"

Steve shifted uncomfortably.

"I... I really don't want to--"

"No!" Barbara said forcefully. "Let's get everything out in the open and talk it all out now, Steve. We don't want for something to come at us out of nowhere ten years from now just because you didn't want to rock the boat now." Her expression softened.

"Whatever you need to know... okay, Steve?" Barbara said.

"All right," Steve said slowly. "I've got a handle on pretty much all of it. I understand how you were vulnerable and everything a couple of times in your life. I accept... it hurts and I don't completely understand it... but I accept that you felt you couldn't come to me with your doubts and all. I think I need to talk more about that in the future, if it's all right with everyone." Barbara nodded.

"But I think that what bothers me most... after the... the shock of you becoming involved with those two men after we got married... the thing that bothers me most is just when did you decide that it was okay to do that, Barbara? How did something you knew to be completely wrong turn into something that was okay? I just don't understand how that can happen, Barb, honey."

"Are you forgetting about Thad Brown... before we got married?" Barbara asked.

The question took Steve by surprise. His eyes lost their focus while he thought.

"No, I'm not forgetting about him," Steve said finally. That was before we were married. You've convinced me... weeks ago, you convinced me you really were in the process of telling him good-bye. You broke a date you had with me, you lied about what you were going to be doing and where you'd be, but we hadn't taken any vows. I dumped you; we didn't see each other for six months and that was enough. That's over with. I don't put Thad Brown in the same category as Jimmie Roberts and Raphael Porter. I just used him that time to count up all... all my... uh... grievances, you might say."

Barbara nodded decisively.

"Thank you," she said. She blew out her breath and smiled tentatively at her husband.

"I figured he wasn't still a part of this. I was sure I knew it was Jimmie and Rafe that were still bothering you," she said. She paused to gather her thoughts.

"First off, I never decided to get involved with anyone else. I never wanted to do anything. Darn, it's still hard to talk about it.

"Yes, I did know it was wrong but I never let myself think about what it might... what it would cost me. I never thought about any consequences. It was all about getting a quick fix of emotional support for whatever was bothering me at that moment. Why I needed it and couldn't see you were there to give it to me bothers me every time I think about it.

She took Steve's hand in hers. She felt free to do that these days. Steve didn't protest or pull away. They were solving a problem together.

"There wasn't any one moment where I decided to cheat on you," Barbara said slowly.

She'd had to brace herself up before using the word that described what she'd done. It was never going to be easy using it. She hated it.

"It was months in coming to that end," she said quietly. "It was a little bit at a time... a hundred tiny steps in a direction I didn't know I was going. There was a time when I figured out I was doing something wrong, but my thinking wasn't at all clear by then. Everything was so mixed up. I had been confused and... lost... for a year or so and I let things slip away from me really badly... especially after my miscarriage.

"I let other men flatter me, tell me I was still beautiful, desirable, smart... whatever... you name and Jimmie Roberts and Raphael Porter took care of what I needed emotionally for a time. You stopped Jimmie cold before I could make a worse mistake than just listening to him. I just wish you could have with Rafe too.

"I've already told you... I didn't hear you when you were telling me all those things too. I was wrong, baby. I was stupid and didn't hear you. I thought, for some crazy reason, that you were only saying those things to me because you had to... and I don't have any idea why I thought that.

"And I think I was more immature than either of us realized, Steve. I felt insecure, and I was lazy... I didn't even know I had to work on our relationship. I thought "happily ever after" just happened because two people loved each other. When we had our first fight, I was devastated. I was shocked so bad, I didn't know who to talk to or what to say.

"All I saw growing up was mom and dad getting along great all of the time. I never saw them fuss or fight. I thought that was normal. I know now they hid their arguments from me and Kimberly, but that came too late to help me. I didn't know how to get beyond an argument and keep on working to make a marriage."

Barbara searched Steve's eyes for understanding. He might not totally accept everything she had to say, but she hoped he would identify enough with what she was telling him to give her the benefit of the doubt. She took a deep breath.

"Can we go back for a second? I forgot something. You're really wondering if there was a point where I decided to do something, even though I knew what I was about to do was wrong. You wondered how I made a decision to do it anyway," she said.

Steve nodded encouragingly. He almost wished he hadn't started this dialogue. He wasn't sure it was going to turn out very well at all.

"Remember the stoplight?" Barbara asked him. For a moment, Steve had no idea what she was talking about. Then it came to him. It had been six years and more.

"The stoplight?" Mr. Houston asked.

He'd been following everything Barbara said. Much of what she said was typical of wives who strayed from their marriages. Most of them talked about being confused, a feeling of isolation, and a lack of any consideration about consequences. Few of them understood how they could have fallen into the behavioral patterns they had. Barbara had made it a point to delve deeper than most women would, or could. Stoplights had never come up before though. This was unique.

"It was when we were still dating," Barbara said, partially facing the counselor. "Steve was driving and two other couples were going with us somewhere..."

"State park," Steve grunted.

"Yeah," Barbara agreed. "We were going out to a state park for a picnic on this little country road. Out in the middle of nowhere, there was this intersection in one of those small towns. It was nothing more than a wide spot in the road, but it had a stoplight. It was red for us going in the direction we were so Steve pulled up and stopped. Then he just got off the brake, put his foot on the accelerator, and off we went. We all looked around for one of those constables they have out in those small towns or a deputy sheriff or something, but we were lucky." She smiled at her husband.

"The thing is... it was so unlike Steve. He's such a careful driver when there are others in the car with him. He was the only guy in our crowd who obeyed the speed limits and came to a full stop and stuff like that. He always said when I was in the car with him, he felt like he had a lot of responsibility and wouldn't risk me getting hurt. I thought it was wonderful the way he said it," Barbara remarked. She smiled at her husband.

"Anyway... when we all got quiet, Steve asked us what was going on... like he didn't know what he'd just done." Barbara paused for a couple of beats.

"When we told him, he was surprised and then dismayed. After a while, we could all tell he was really shook up about it. He hadn't realized what he'd done. It wasn't so much that he'd run a red light, though he usually wouldn't do that. It was the fact that he didn't have any memory of considering whether to do it or not." She turned back to Steve.

"Sweetheart, you remember how you felt that day, right?"

Steve nodded. He rested the back of his head on the chair's backrest and blew out his breath. He could see where Barbara was headed. He needed to examine the analogy his wife had proposed. He had get things straight in his mind.

"There was no thought process that I was aware of," Steve said at length. "I do not remember... and I didn't back then when y'all started kidding me about it... I don't recall thinking about whether I should go through the red light or not." He paused.

"I tried to rationalize it when y'all got on me," Steve mused. "I said I must have subconsciously recognized there was no cross traffic at all and that it would be okay for me to drive on, but I don't know..."

He mulled it over for a long moment.

"Okay." Steve heaved a sigh. "I see your point. I'm not real sure I like it, but I can't help but see what you're saying. People don't always reason their way through what they're doing. Sometimes they never see what they're doing... they just do it, and--well, shit," he said tiredly.

"It offends my sense of... symmetry, I guess," Steve said. "I'd feel more comfortable with believing there is a thought process that goes along with every action a person takes... but I'm a good example that isn't always that case. I ran the darned light without a second thought... no thinking about whether it was right, wrong, or indifferent. There's just no getting around it."

Steve sat up and looked directly at his wife.

"There's something else about that though," he said firmly. "I've never accidentally rolled through another red light... not once. The memory of that afternoon comes back to me almost every time I come up to a stoplight and I'm driving the front car in a line of traffic. I keep that memory close to me so I never make that mistake again.

"Barb, there can't be another time like this for us. If you want to keep on with this analogy, you better never forget the damage you can do when you aren't paying attention too.

"There's only room for two people in this marriage. I won't accept a third person, Barbara. Never. And I won't go through this again, Barbara.

His wife squeezed his hand tighter. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"I know, honey," she said. "Every time I think of what I've done with Jimmie and Rafe, I get sick to my stomach. I loathe the Barbara that did those things. I won't ever let the memory go, Steve. It'll always be there, waiting for me to make sure I never get off the straight and narrow ever again."

Steve watched her face for a time. Not that long ago, Barbara had had sex with him when she had every reason to believe he had AIDS and that the sex would eventually kill her. With that act, Barbara had expressed a deep love he'd not believed she held for him. It had gone a long way toward breaking down the barriers between them.

Now she was assuring him just thinking of what she'd done with the other men made her sick. To make sure she'd never stray again, she was going to keep the hurtful memories alive. Steve sighed. He was doing a lot of that this evening.

"All right," Steve said. "I can let it go, Barbara. I'm not the brightest guy in the world but I can recognize logic when it smacks me in the face."

He sat up in his chair and turned to contemplate his wife for a long moment. He turned to Mr. Houston.

"So... would you say I've worked my way through all those steps in the grieving process you talked about that time?" Steve asked the counselor.

Verne was taken aback. He had to think for a moment before remembering the individual counseling session he'd had with Steve. He smiled.

"I think you have, yes, Steve... and done it quite well too," Mr. Houston remarked.

"So... we start on the smaller problems now?" Steve asked. "What's up first?"

"Hi," Barbara said shortly.

"Hi, honey," Steve replied. He held the cell phone tighter against his ear so the racket from the building construction outside wouldn't drown out the conversation. "What's up?" he asked.

"Are you alone?" Barbara asked.

"Uh-huh," Steve replied, "Lois and Jeff are at lunch and picking up some reports at the downtown office and--"

"Good," Barbara said. "Is the door locked?"

"What?" Steve asked. He was more than a little bewildered already by the strange conversation. "Uh... no, it's not locked, honey. Why... why did you ask me that?"

There was a short silence.

"Well, no one can see your laptop screen from the door... or the windows, right?" Barbara had ignored his question.

Steve was completely mystified now.

"Well, if I pull the blinds on the windows right beside me... yeah," he answered.

"Would you pull them, honey?" Barbara asked.

Steve started to ask why, but he thought better of it immediately. Sighing, he got to his feet and closed both blinds.

"Okay, honey, they're closed. Now what's this all about, Baby?"

"You'll find out in just a minute, lover," Barbara said. Steve could hear a note of nervousness in her voice. He wondered what was going on.

"Steve... you remember June, right? And her nephew, the computer guy?"

"Sure," Steve replied. He did. June was Barbara's best friend at work. She'd been her only friend for a long time after Steve had exposed Barbara's affair to the whole office. Wendell, June's nephew, was a poster boy for nerds everywhere.