Chapter 5

Ellen and I had been apart for almost four months when I finally decided that I should start moving on with my life again. It wasn't any one thing that decided me, but rather a combination of several things. First, I had gotten tired of living by myself and having no life other than work and worry. Second, Ellen had made absolutely no effort to open any kind of communication with me. I knew she was in touch with Theresa and Sandy, but our only communication was me sending a check to her parent's house on the first of every month. Third, when our house had sold, Ellen moved all of my stuff into a garage in Poquonnock that she had rented for one month. She never told me about doing that, and I only found out by accident, from the guy who she'd hired to move all the furniture and her things. Luckily, I was able to get my stuff and bring it to the apartment I'd just rented in Groton. Fourth, I found out through Ray, that Ellen had raised quite a stink when the escrow company refused to give her the check in her name only, for the entire proceeds from the house sale. That news alone made me start thinking that my dad had been right about Ellen's intentions. I finally decided to hire my own lawyer to get some advice on where I stood and what my options were. The house money was still sitting in the escrow company, not doing anybody any good. The lawyer filled me in on where I stood, and advised me to write Ellen a letter and propose a reasonable offer for the fair distribution of our assets.

I sat down in my apartment that night and made a list of all of the assets. The money in the banks, the businesses, the house sale money and my interest in several pieces of land that Ray and I jointly owned. I tried to value the land fairly, not at our cost, but at what I thought they were each worth. I figured the furniture was Ellen's and also her car. I kept my car out of the equation also. We had $96,400.00 in cash, savings and the checking account if I included the money at the escrow company. I figured my businesses and equipment were worth another $100,000, and my share of the properties came to $45,000.00. So counting up everything it came to $241,400.00. I sent her a registered letter later that week with an itemized valuation of our assets and an offer for her to either take all the cash or to take the businesses and the investment properties. I told her that she would have to make her own arrangements with Billy and Ray if she chose to take the non cash assets. I told her that I was planning on filing for divorce on the grounds of abandonment, and thought that it was better if we resolved the financial terms ourselves rather than leave it up to our lawyers. I enclosed a business card from my lawyer in the letter.

A week later, I had an answer of sorts. My father in law came over to my apartment one night and brought me Ellen's counter proposal. She would take the cash, but wanted to leave the separation as it was and wanted me to keep sending her the $700.00 per month for five more years. At the end of that time, if I still wanted to, I could get my divorce without any opposition or challenge from her. I told him to tell her that I'd give her $75,000.00 now and pay her the $700.00 per month for five more years as alimony. I told him I was tired of living alone and didn't want to just shack up with another woman while I waited to get a divorce. He asked me if I already had a particular woman in mind. I told him that I wasn't prepared to comment on that because of advice I'd received from my attorney. I gave him my new phone number and told him he could just call me and let me know what she wanted to do.

"Do you really want a divorce?" Ellen sounded drunk to me. She hardly ever drank more than one or two drinks at any one time. I'd never even seen her tipsy in all the years we'd been together.

"Are you drunk?"

"Do you really want to divorce me Jackie? Yes or no?" She was crying, I heard it in her voice

"Ellen, I'm too tired of this whole mess to even begin to tell you what I want. You've made it pretty clear that you're done with me. That isn't what I wanted, but you're in the driver's seat here, not me. I always figured you'd tell me when you thought you'd punished me enough, and that I'd just go ahead and take what you dished out until you were satisfied that I'd had enough. Now though, I've come to believe that it's never going to be enough as far as you're concerned."

"So you're going to divorce me and go find somebody else whose life you can ruin?" Now she was crying and angry too.

"I'm going to divorce you and give the two of us a chance to move on with our lives, and to maybe find someone else. It isn't easy being alone and not having any hope of changing things. I'm done waiting for you to call all the shots on my happiness. I messed up and brought all this down on both our heads. I'm sorry. There comes a time when you just have to accept your losses and move on. That time is now for me."

"Good, if that's what you want, you go ahead and file. My mother is right, I'll be better off without you. You can talk to my lawyer about how we'll split everything though, because I'm not making any deals with you."

"If that's what you want, that's what we'll do then. When they get through with everything there won't be anything left worth having. Maybe your mother is right, Ellen, but I wouldn't have wanted to not have had all the good years." We both didn't say anything else for awhile, and then I heard her hang up the phone. Not a good beginning for the dialogue I'd worked so hard to get opened. The next morning I got up and drove to Billy's. Theresa made it a special point to come out of their house and tell me exactly what she thought of me for treating Ellen so badly. Billy gave her about ten minutes to run down and then told her to get back in the house and go mind the kids and her own damn business.

"Jackie, Theresa's right this time. You're the one who made this mess, not Ellen. It shouldn't be up to you to say when it's time for her to forgive you and give you another chance. Shit, she didn't even shoot you yet."

"Billy, I'm doing things to get us talking again at least. Ellen called me last night and we talked. It didn't go well, but we did talk. Four months is a long time between conversations. I know it isn't a record, but it's a long time. Ellen, once she starts back to talking, isn't going to let a lot of time go by before we talk again. I know she isn't done with the punishing yet, but she's at least thinking now that I'm not going to let it go on forever. How about you load my truck now and take some of that good advice you gave your wife a few minutes ago." Billy just laughed and went to get his loader. I think he was very happy that it was me this time, and not him, that had his ass in a sling.

My father and mother came over to my new apartment, uninvited, and started after me with their united front. Their basic position was that it wasn't right for me to just roll over and let Ellen dictate everything. I couldn't help thinking about how bizarre it was to be getting marital advice from the two of them at the same time. I doubted there was another couple within twenty miles of my apartment that had experienced more ups and downs than those two, and yet that didn't stop them from offering me their combined wisdom on the subject of marital happiness. It took me about a minute to say something to divide the two of them and to have them sniping back and forth at each other. I told them thanks for coming, but to get their own house in order before branching out to offering advice to others. I don't think my mother was even listening when I said it, but my father sure was and he knew exactly what I'd done. They had just let themselves out, when my telephone rang and I heard Ellen's voice.

"Jackie, we need to talk. I've been thinking about what you said about me punishing you until I was satisfied. Will you come over here to pick me up in front of the house?" She seemed more focused this time, like she'd given her words a lot of thought. Not rehearsed, just prepared.

"You mean now? It's almost ten o'clock. I've got to get up at four in the morning." I was just checking to make sure that she meant now.

"It's important to me, Jackie." I was always going to go, but I was glad that it was important to her. That was a good sign I thought, that something concerning me was once again important to her.

"Okay, give me twenty minutes." I put on a fresh shirt and combed my hair and brushed my teeth. I was out the door in under five minutes. I pulled up in front of her parent's house inside the twenty minutes that I'd told her it would take me. As soon as I had parked, I saw her come out the front door and head over to my car. I got out and went over to the passenger side and waited for her. She stopped about five feet away from me. It was dark out, but I could tell by her body language that she was uncertain about all of this and was having second thoughts. I waited for her to speak first. She just stood there.

"Jackie, I don't want a divorce. You make it so hard to get this thing settled. You really hurt me and you don't even seem to care. It's almost like it isn't important to you, and then you try to make everything else unimportant too. You seem willing to give everything up, but you didn't fight to try to save what we had. I want to punish you, to hurt you back. You won't even let me do that."

"Ellen, I haven't tried to stop you from anything. What is it you want to do that I'm preventing? I want you to do it, whatever it is. I'm just tired of waiting while you make up your mind. Can't you just figure out what it will take and then go ahead and do it?" She started walking closer and then she hauled off and slapped my face. It stung, but I just stood there with my hands down at my side. She slapped me three more times, one after another, in quick succession.

"Open your legs Jackie, I'm going to kick you in your balls." That took me a moment to decide about. I'd been kicked in the nuts before, and it hurt a lot. Finally, I spread my legs and closed my eyes. I didn't want to see it coming. I heard her breathing right in front of me, gasping really. "Jackie, you can go home now, I've changed my mind. This isn't what I need to do. I hoped it was, but it isn't. Maybe if I'd stayed there that night and we'd fought, then it might have been what I needed. It's too late for that now." I won't say I was sorry not to get kicked between my legs, but I was disappointed that it was going to involve something different from physical punishment. She turned around after I'd opened my eyes and started walking back to the house.

"Ellen, I hoped it was too. I'd give almost anything, do almost anything, if it would make it be enough. I'm really not trying to make it hard to get this thing settled. I want to be punished."

"You see, that's what I mean! How can it be enough if you don't even care?" I got back into my car and drove back to the apartment. I needed to find something that Ellen knew was important to me, and then let her take it away from me. The problem was that we both knew that the only thing that I cared enough about to qualify for that, was her. In truth, Ellen was the only thing I wouldn't willingly give up. Somehow, I had to get her to realize that, and then I had to give her up. It was the only way the two of us would know how sorry I was, and so we'd both understand that I'd been punished enough.

I went down the next day and signed the papers to get the divorce started. I told my lawyer that I didn't want to be billed for a single minute for any financial settlement haggling. I told him to agree to anything she asked, up to and including, everything I owned. It didn't surprise me when that turned out to be exactly what she asked for.

I was at Billy's a week after filing for divorce, when Ellen drove up in her new car. I'd signed papers at the escrow company authorizing them to just send her the proceeds from the house sale.

"You like my new car Billy?" It was a Chrysler Imperial LeBaron, brand new. It was painted a cream color with a white landau top. Billy went over to where she'd parked and really gave the car the once over. I went and got in my truck, soon to be Ellen's truck, and waited for Billy to get back to finish up loading it. "When do I get to take over my new businesses Jackie? The very first thing I'm going to do is fire you." I just sat there and refused to answer her or look over at her any more. Finally Billy decided that he'd enjoyed himself at my expense just about enough, and got back to loading me up. I left right after I was loaded. I drove over to my in laws house and parked outside. I went and knocked on the door until my mother in law answered the door. She didn't invite me in.