Chapter 10: Six weeks later

It had been the most difficult six weeks of Jenny's life. Jerry had been the first to use the twenty-minute rant. The hurt and anger that poured out of her husband reminded her of a boil being lanced, and the pus exploding on her face. She had managed to hold her tongue when he asked her things like "did you like that big black cock up your ass?" It was even harder not to explain that she always came to visit him before she went to the trailer. It almost broke her heart when he'd talked about his mother for the first time. He'd always said he was an orphan but Jenny had no idea what that had meant. He'd always refused to talk about it and Jenny had assumed he'd been raised in the foster care system.

If listening to Jerry rant was bad, her own rants were in some ways worse. Dr. Gardner had told her privately to be very careful not to mention sex when she ranted, and Jenny discovered that sex wasn't her issue. She hadn't known she was so mad at Jerry for getting locked up. She had dumped all the frustrations she built up with people making jokes and cutting remarks about her 'convict' husband. She didn't mention sex but she did mention how many men hit on her, "Because she was so lonely." She talked about how much she hated being followed by the unmarked cars and shadowy men who were constantly checking on her.

After the first weekend session, things got better. They agreed on their own that after each rant, the person ranting would spend a few minutes reminding the other that they still loved them. But even with the words of love, Jerry had yet to take her into his arms. He continued to treat her as damaged goods. By the time of their next session with Dr. Gardner, Jenny had begun to internalize his complaints. She was shocked to comprehend fully that she had damaged herself in her husband's eyes. She had thought that the many things she'd learned about pleasuring men in the trailer would be a bonus for Jerry, and now she understood that they would forever be painful reminders of her time there.

Anal sex was a focus of many of Jerry's rants and Jenny knew it was something he had wanted from her. Jenny had gotten to the point that anal was so mundane she barely noticed when she had something in her there. No, that wasn't quite true; she liked to have something there, fingers, a dildo or a cock. It helped her to have a more intense orgasm. Now, it was possible that she and Jerry would never explore that. Not only would her experience be evident, but she slowly realized that she would never be able to do anal without some intrusions from the trailer. Even if she never thought about the men, the techniques she'd learned from other men would always be there.

Jenny also worried about not having had sex for the last six week. Dr. Gardner had insisted, and she was determined to follow the instruction, but had expected that Jerry would pressure her. It was a source of deep pain that not only didn't he pressure her, he managed to make it very clear during one of his rants that just looking at her turned an erection into a 'wet noodle.'

Today was going to be another long session. Dr. Gardner had told them to make a list of the questions or comments made during the rants they wanted to respond to, and that she would select some of those for a moderated talk. Those issues that she didn't choose were still not to be discussed no matter how painful.

Once they were seated and comfortable, Dr. Gardner took the list and asked, "Jenny, how could you convince yourself that you'd never cheated when you did every conceivable sexual act known to man?"

Jenny swallowed hard, "I came close that first day. One of the men wanted to play the "cheating wife" fantasy with me. He worked hard at seducing me, and after what had gone before, I was very vulnerable. I played along, and before the end of the dance, he asked to come to my apartment. I had gone further with him than I had intended, but what I realized when he asked that question was that I didn't want to have an affair. I didn't want to cheat on my husband. I never allowed that fantasy again, and I always knew that what I was doing was for my husband and not for me. I think that attitude came through. I was never very popular with some of the men. Those that continued to dance with me respected that."

Dr. Gardner turned to Jerry and asked, "Jerry, can you understand the difference in physically cheating and emotional and mental cheating?"

Jerry's jaw clenched and he replied, "Does it make any difference to the cock spurting cum inside her?"

Dr. Gardner didn't say anything and Jenny felt tears begin to well up in the charged silence. Finally Jerry continued, "I'm sorry. I didn't even mean that. I do understand the difference and it's important. That's why I'm here and trying to work this out. That and the fact that she stopped going up there three months ago. Dr. Gardner, I want to trust her, but how can I know that she might not decide she misses what she had up there?"

Dr. Gardner turned back to Jenny, and asked, "With the high rates of recidivism, there's a better than even chance that Jerry will be going back to prison. If he's back in that same unit, will you be willing to join the group to help again?"

Jenny didn't have to think for even a second, "No! If he goes back, I'll stay married to him. I promised for better or worse, but I believe what Jerry said about being able to survive in the system. Even more important, I do understand that I can't break my wedding vows, not even to help Jerry. I wish I'd talked to him, and I know his mother makes all this harder for him, but I can't be a slut or a whore, and that's what it would be the next time. I couldn't pretend I was being noble, protecting him, I'd just be selling my body for favors instead of money and I can't do that!" Jenny was breathing hard and was surprised at just how much her view of what she did up there was changing.