Chapter 4

"Thank you for seeing me Dr. Austen," Ray said to the attractive brunette in her mid-thirties.

"You're very welcome Mr. Averhurst. Please call me Liz," she responded.

"Well then, please call me Ray."

"So what is happening Ray?" Liz asked.

"Well I am not usually one for talking about stuff like this, but I am worried that I may have issues with anger."

He would have told Liz that it was her sparkling reputation that made him schedule the appointment with her. But it was actually the fact that she was the first psychiatrist that had an opening so soon.

"Okay, why do you think that?"

"Well my son was acting up and I couldn't handle it. I grabbed him harder than I intended."

"Did you hurt him?" Liz asked in a neutral tone.

"No, I wanted to. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to stop the tantrum no matter what it took."

"But you were able to control yourself?"

"It was in public. At the zoo. And my wife putting her hand on me snapped me out of it."

"Okay. So without your wife's intervention you felt you would have hurt your son?"

"I won't say that it is unfathomable or even unlikely. But I don't want to hurt either of my kids. I don't want to hurt my wife," Ray admitted.

"Has there been a history of abuse?" she asked as she scribbled furiously into a pad.

"No, not for my family," Ray responded, squirming a little bit as she frowned.

"Anything else happening?"

"Well, I am also trying to save my marriage," Ray said.

"So you are not abusive to your spouse?" Liz asked her voice professional.

"No, I am sort of non-existent to my spouse."

"Clarify that for me Ray."

"I have always been stoic. I am usually described as being reserved. A long time ago I learned to be unemotional. I learned to think my way through things and not feel anything. And to not show it."

"And what caused that?"

"Liz, let me make this clear. I don't want to be like that anymore. I feel myself losing the people that I want close. And they'll go and I'll either feel it and be crushed, or be so numb that I don't feel anything. That's not true. I do feel now. But all I feel is lonesome."

"All right Ray. What prompted this change and what caused the original behaviour formation?"

"The change? It was Chuck."

The meeting with the pschyiatrist went better than he thought. Liz was very easy to talk to. It was easy to share these things with someone that wouldn't judge him. He was able to tell her and not feel the shame of self recrimination.

He logged into his email account once he was back at work.

She responded. It excited him like nothing had in a long time.

Who are you?

That was all she said. But it was a start.

He put, "Dana, why is it so hard to feel alive?"

And then he typed the rest of the message.

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars. 3

He went home right after his last meeting for the day. He smiled at Tim and Judy.

"Timmy, I am sorry again for getting angry. Dad made a mistake. I'll try to do better," he said to his son.

Ray walked over to the little boy. He knelt down. He wasn't sure what to do. Tim seemed to know.

He wrapped his arms around his father and held him.

Ray closed his eyes. He felt his son's little fragile body in his arms. He knew what his first job was. He was suppose to protect this little guy. Protect him and love him and make sure he grew up to be better than his father. He stood holding his son tight savouring the feeling of trust and forgiveness. Timmy started to squirm to get down.

Ray reluctantly let him go and looked over to Judy. She was trying to look everywhere but at him. She was not jealous. At least that was what she would say if anyone asked her.

Timmy went back to playing. Four year olds didn't realize that they held so much of the world in their hands.

Neither did 8 years olds. He walked over to Judy. He sat next to her.

"Judy. You are the strong girl. So much like your mother. Just as pretty. Just as smart. And I don't deserve to have a daughter like you. But I will try to be better. Because I want you to be as happy with me, as I am happy with you."

He hugged her. She didn't resist. She took the hug. She even gave back a little. But she was a suspicious. He kissed her on her forehead.

He was meeting with Liz next week. Just be patient and loving for today. And remember to say the same thing tomorrow. And he would make it.

Dana was working on dinner. He walked to her. He leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. She saw it coming but she was still shocked.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi, how was your day?"

He would usually respond 'Fine' then head straight to his office. But today he would tell her everything. Except for Liz. That would wait. It would be a present that he would deliver later.

He told her about the case he was working on. He spoke in general terms to not violate legal ethics.

"How was your day?" Ray asked.

"Fine. I did some thinking. I want to talk tonight after the kids have gone to bed."

"Oh oh. After the kids," Ray agreed.

Dinner was a little quiet. Ray picked at his food as he wondered what Dana wanted to talk about.

He helped get the kids ready for bed. He let Dana assist Judy. He wanted to respect his daughter's burgeoning need for privacy. He worked on getting Timmy's teeth brushed and body showered. It was fun. He found himself laughing at Tim's antics and Tim's constant splashing with the water. At the end the bathroom was wetter than most swimming pools. He tucked Tim into bed and read him a story about trains. He gave the boy another hug and said goodnight.

"So what do I need to do?" Ray asked the boy.

"Take off the light. Put on the night light and close the door over a little bit," Tim said.

"Okay, deal." Ray called out.

He stuck his head into his daughter's room.

"Goodnight honey."

"Goodnight Daddy," she said in a soft sleepy voice.

It was so nice to hear. He was still Daddy. Her daddy.

He found Dana in the living room waiting for him.

"You left Tim's door open," she said.

"Tim told me how far he has it usually."

"Never trust the 4 year old," she replied with a smile. "We only keep it open a crack."

"Ahh. So what did you want to talk about?"

"Well, I'd have to be blind, deaf and dumb to not notice that you are changing. You are reacting differently and trying to be a different person."

"Yes. I am. I hope a better person."

"Well, what's going on? Why are you doing it?" Dana asked. The intensity of her voice surprised him.

"Dana, I don't know how to tell you this so you'll believe me, but I think we can be happier than we are. Are you happy? Are you really happy?" Ray asked.

"I am satisfied."

"Is satisfied happy?"

"It's not miserable," Dana replied.

"So you prefer to be blah?" Ray asked a little annoyed. "You will stay with me forever and ever, and love, honour, cherish, forsaking all others, and the rest of it, to just be mediocre?"

"That's unfair. You are painting us to be miserable drones."

"Do you remember how Luke and Jessie looked at one another? It was impossible not to notice it at the barbecue. She walked to him, hugged him for some purpose and walked away. And in that moment when she held him, it was just for the sake of holding him, and protecting him and simply loving him. For no other reason in the world. They not only want each other; they love each other. It was as noticeable as the sun is."

"But they are new at this. All you're seeing is the novelty of new love. The first blush. This is what it is to be married with children," Dana contended waving her hand wide like Vanna White showing a vowel.

"So married with children ends your desire to be held when you are sad and ends your need to tell someone the worries on your mind."

"No but..."

"What are you so scared of Dana?" Ray asked.

"I don't want to end up like my parents," she exclaimed.

"So you prefer this half life?"

"Ray I don't know what you tell you. I don't think of this as half a life."

"What you can tell me is that you can think of nowhere else you would rather be than right next to me, pressed right next to me, in bed every night with our kids safe in their room's down the hall."