Chapter 3

Dinner was a quiet affair at home. Everyone was tired. The kids went to bed without complaint.

As Dana was showering he went and logged onto his new email account. He was surprised to see that there wasn't an email from her. But if she didn't recognize the sender she may not have responded.

He sent another. The subject line was, "Dana, you didn't like the first, how about this one?" And then he typed.

You give me the pleasure of your eyes,
face, flesh as we pass,
You take of my beard, breast, hands,
in return,
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you
when I sit alone or wake at night, alone
I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again
I am to see to it that I do not lose you. 2

Ray sent it.

He undressed and climbed into bed and awaited her return. She came in and her body shone with the soft lamp light. The smell of lotion was on her tender moist skin. He wanted to feel her naked against him. Feel her softness writhing on top of him and beneath him.

Dana moved onto the bed. Her pajamas were a beautiful pink and red and white. Her eyes were sleepy. She assumed her usual position. Her back was to him as her body huddled on the side of the bed.

Ray moved to the center until his shoulder pressed to her back. Until his thigh brushed the back of her thigh.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Fine," she said.

"You never told me about how it was when your dad left."

"I did. And you probably forgot. Or it just wasn't important."

"Let me hear it again, or for the first time," Ray pleaded.

"What do you want to hear?" Dana replied.

"About you as a child."

"Why should I? You never talk about your childhood."

"Please," he responded.

"You know my dad left when I was about 8. He couldn't hold down a job. And that made him angry. He was always so moody and angry. At what, I never knew. He and mom were always fighting. Then he had enough. He packed his bags one night and that was the last that we ever saw him." she said plainly in the same voice reserved for talking about the Dow Jones.

"You were only 8. How did you mother take it?"

"She was lost. She was scared. She spent a long time complaining. I took care of myself for a while. And then she finally snapped out of it. She found a way to make ends meet. But she was always bitter. She never really moved on. She was always waiting for him to come back. She probably denied it, but every time the door knob rattled, I think she was hoping it was him."

"Did he ever?" Ray asked almost silently.

"No. I don't know what happened to him. I don't know if he's alive or dead." Dana was very controlled in her reply.

"So was that when you decided that you didn't want to be like your mother?"

"Yes."

"My anger scared you today didn't it?"

"Yes, that wasn't like you. It was like him. It wasn't what I had expected. It was close to being everything I decided I didn't want."

"And what did you decide?"

Her back was to him still. Maybe that was why she could talk about it. Maybe that was why she wasn't crying.

"I decided that I would not be with a man that couldn't hold down a job. I wouldn't be with someone that was that emotionally crazy. And he would be good to me. Good to our kids. And I could count on him. And my daughter would never grow up with thoughts as dark and desperate as her mother's." Her shoulders shook a little.

"Would you love him?" he whispered.

"Would he love you?" he asked.

She didn't answer. She couldn't answer. Could it be that she didn't know. He lay there pressed against her as she huddled on her side. She was almost fetal. And he reached across his body and just rested a warm hand on her side.

She didn't move. He didn't move. They were both lost in thoughts of their own.