Chapter 17

"Do you ever wonder where she is right now?" Dana asked.

"Hmm?" he responded.

"Your mom, do you ever wonder where she is?"

"Do you know since Mike asked that I try to keep a journal of my weird wake-up calls I haven't had one. Do you think that it was some psychologist trick?"

"Probably not. Maybe you just needed to come back to sleeping in your own bed again. Nice change of subject by the way."

For 2 weeks now Ray had abandoned sleeping in the study for sleeping in their bedroom again. That was all it was. But it seemed to be enough. They would almost rush to bed after the kids were asleep just for the pleasure of talking to each other. Really talk to each other.

"You think that's why?"

"It could be that or so many other reasons. Maybe there was a weird crease in the couch that pinched a nerve in your neck that stimulated your adrenal glands and lo and behold you were awake and rearing to face the day."

"That's as good a suggestion as any that I have heard. At least you didn't say it was the ghost of Elvis. I'm grateful for that," Ray smirked.

"Now about your mother."

"What about her? Were we talking about her?"

"Do you wonder what happened to her?"

"I think she ran off to Switzerland and is currently a world class Alpine yodeler."

"Quit joking. I am being serious Ray."

"I don't want to be serious. Maybe she is in a hot spring in Iceland with some guy named Stefan or Bjorn."

"So you don't wonder?"

"I didn't say that. Would it be easier to think that she is a drunken bag lady scraping soda cans together to buy a litre of booze with nickels overflowing the bowl of her hands? Or dead in the grave 2 behind and 1 over from Chuck. So close that I could hear an earthworm feasting but far enough away that I didn't bother to look. Why can't she be the head gardener for the Rose Garden at the White House?"

They were lying on their backs staring at the ceiling talking to each other as the words would drift like clouds in the sky. She turned to her side to face him, her face cupped in her palm as her elbow supported her head. He glanced over and watched the pensive look that crossed her face. Her chin crinkled as her lips pursed and then she flopped back onto the bed.

"My dad is the Weight Guesser for a small traveling carnival that only goes to states that start with the letter 'A' or 'N'."

"My mom is the head elf supervisor for Santa. You do know that elves have become rabble rousing slackers since they formed a union."

"Tricky tricky elves. My dad is the official eyeball and nostril cleaner for Mount Rushmore," Dana said triumphantly.

"Ooooh, good one." Ray was impressed. "Maybe my mom is living with some guy who supposedly has a high level job ensuring that the leaders of the country can breathe easy as they watch the world events unfold," Ray fired back.

"Your mom and my dad?" Dana gasped.

"It seems oddly coincidental that both our parents are M.I.A. Good theory no? Huh sis?"

"Eeeww. Don't call me that. Your theory is just like you mister, full of baloney," she teased with a laugh.

"My mom is mascot for a Double A baseball ball in a small southern town. The team is known as the Lubbock Lemmings. She ends every game by diving off the right field wall into a freshwater pool infested with guppies," Ray laughed like a fool to himself.

Dana joined him giggling till her sides hurt.

"Maybe," she paused for air, "Maybe my father is the male model for the San Francisco Ballet Company. All the other men stuff their leotards to try to match his impressive profile."

"Hey, I thought that was my job," Ray gasped indignantly as tears of laughter sprung to his eyes.

They chuckled for a couple more minutes finally calming down in case their laughter woke the kids.

"That's the kind of crying that I don't mind doing. Now isn't that better than thinking that my mom is making minimum wage as a greeter for Wal-Mart. Where she buys a 12 pack of tuna for that mysterious cat that she claims exists but no one ever sees."

"Yes. Yes I guess it is. Until we know for sure. I don't have to think that there is a man in a padded room. A man that they keep sedating because he has delusions about a wife and daughter that everyone else knows are make-believe."

"Maybe we'll find them both one day. After we have found ourselves," Ray finished softly.

Dana scooted to him. She turned on her side and fell towards Ray; placing her head on his shoulder, resting herself against him. They lay there silently, Ray holding her tight until her breathing fell into a rhythm and she was lost in sleep.

They held hands for a minute or two. They even continued to hold hands as Mike entered the office. He looked at them and beamed a great big smile.

"So how is my favourite couple doing?" he asked.

"Great," Dana said first.

"Real good," Ray answered back.

"Excellent. So let's see. I take it you guys are still sharing a bed?" he asked. "Excellent," he said again as they nodded to him. "How are the anger sessions?"

"I need to talk about that Mike. Sometimes it is hard to work up enough anger," Ray answered.

"Oh. So you are not haunted by visions of Dana and her lover in bed?" Mike asked as he lobbed his verbal grenade.

Dana's grip loosened in Ray's hand. She wanted to pull away. She wanted to hide her hand in her lap. Ray tightened his grip and then gave her hand three reassuring squeezes.

"Not haunted. The anger isn't always there standing at attention anymore. Sometimes I'll see something, or think of something and the memories will come rushing back to me. And I'll feel the rage build. I know what she did was wrong. If it happens again we'll be done with. But the hate and fury isn't the only thing between me and Dana. And there are times now that I don't feel angry, because dwelling on that portion of the past is not worth it to me. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect." If possible Mike's smile was bigger. "Let's cut back to once every 2 days. And if you still have the same trouble working up the anger, then we'll go once ever 4 days, then once every week. Then only as needed. And do you know what 'only as needed' means? It's normalcy. It's a normal exchange between a husband and wife. How does that sound?"

"Great." Dana said again.

"Real good." Ray followed.

"Ray, how are those dreams of yours?" the counselor asked.

"Fine. I've been tracking it for a couple weeks and I still haven't had one. Do you think I should still keep my appointment with my primary care physician?"

"Uh, no. Don't bother with that. And how bout we shelf the log unless it starts happening again."

"Okay."

"What about the physical intimacy?" Mike asked.

Ray looked at him, and then looked at Dana. She returned his gaze for a second before looking back to Mike.

"We, uh, well we haven't," she stammered as she blushed.

"We felt that the timing wasn't right," Ray said.

"Dana do you feel an attraction towards Ray?"

"Yes, very much so."

"Ray, do you feel an attraction for Dana?"

"Yes, completely," Ray answered.

"Dana is your attraction for him greater than your guilt? Ray is your attraction for her greater than your reservations?" Mike asked.

They looked at each other. Somewhere in the middle of talking their hands had separated and fallen to their respective sides.

"I think we are," Dana said.

"Do you know how you can find out?" Mike queried rhetorically. "Try it."

Before they could say anything else Mike continued, "Don't wait for the perfect day to come when you will be as innocent as a baby Dana, and you will be completely without anger and bitterness Ray. That day will never come. The affair will always be a part of who you two are. But only one part. A small part. Your togetherness is so much more than the sum of its parts, especially the little parts. It will never go away. The rain clouds will not part and the sun will not appear and cast a light on a golden bed in the middle of a vineyard. A bed with a halo around it so you guys can cavort like rabbits, sipping wine from the source. If you are expecting that, you will both be sadly disappointed. Just try one day when the mood strikes you. And if it doesn't work out, well try again another day."

Ray and Dana stared at him for a minute. Ray realized then that he had been waiting for that perfect evening to appear. The kind of night where he could touch her and not have a single thought of Phillip Marriot cross his mind. But that may never happen.

"Okay. Just think about it," Mike conceded when faced with the silence.

"Now as far as wishes, where do we stand Dana?" Mike asked.

"I couldn't think of one for today. I tried. I really did," she said with a laugh.

"What about you Ray?"

"Just my usual," Ray said looking at her. Wanting her to respond with anything hopeful.

Ray was finishing up the work that he had left to do on the computer. As he was waiting for the PC to finally shutdown his mind drifted to earlier in the evening.

Dinner was a light hearted affair. They joked and teased as a family. It was nice to hear laughter like that in their house.

Tim and Judy were camped out on the couch in the living room. They were both probably praying that the half hour of television that they were allowed would mysteriously stretch longer.

They both groaned when Dana clicked the power button on the remote blackening the tube of the TV set.

"Come on you two, time for bed," Dana said.

"But, but..." Tim replied.

"But, but nothing. You heard your mother. Honey, what should we do with these two crazy kids?" Ray said.

The look on her face was like a symphony to a blind man. Her smile was as wide and as curved as an overfilled hammock between two trees. It was so inviting in the softness of a summer breeze.

"I, uh, don't know dear. I just don't know," Dana said as her voice was breaking ever so slightly.

They were nowhere as subtle as they thought they were. Judy looked at the two of them and grinned. She put her hand on Tim's shoulder and said, "Okay let's go Timmy."

"What?' Timmy replied outraged that his comrade in arms had turned on him.