Chapter 13

Ray called Jim. He was at a loss. He was usually a private person but this was something he was having trouble dealing with on his own. He could make a semblance of order of most things, but this was hard to digest.

"Hey Jimmy, its Ray."

"Hey man, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I'm all right I guess. Dana and I are going to get some counseling."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"I want to try to make it work. For the kids' sake."

"What about your sake?" Jim asked.

"I don't know. It's hard."

"Why is it so hard to want things to work out with your wife?"

"It's complicated Jim. Real complicated. Stuff I don't, can't, get into," Ray responded.

"What..." Jim started to say. But stopped himself.

"But the other thing is bugging me."

"What is it?"

"I've been dumped," Ray said baldy.

"By Dana?" Jim replied in shocked voice.

"No. By my counselor."

"What?"

"You heard me. Liz, my psychologist, dumped me."

"How is that possible? She ended the relationship?"

"She felt she had to. It was the responsible thing to do I guess," Ray admitted.

"Ray were things a little more than Doctor-Patient?" Jim asked carefully.

"No. She thought there were other psychologists that were better suited for the issues that I am facing."

Well that was not exactly what her phone conversation concerned. He could recall most it well. Whenever Ray thought about Liz's words he would have to ignore a pang of sadness that pressed itself to his temple.

"Hi Liz, what do I owe this unexpected call to?" Ray said into the phone.

"This is not something that I would usually do. Much less, do it on the phone."

"Oh oh," Ray said.

"Ray I think you should find yourself another therapist," Liz said calmly.

"Why?"

"This is a textbook case of transference. You see me in a safe role of interest that would not be conducive to your personal development."

"What role would that be?"

"Ray, our last session more than indicated that you see me as a... uh... paramour. Someone that you would like to know in a personal setting. I am truly flattered by the attention. However, it is counterproductive and misplaced. It is also a complete violation of ethics. I think of you as a patient and nothing more."

"Liz, I understand your feelings. But I've decided to look into the counseling with Dana. I can't deny that I find you interesting and appealing. I tipped my hand, but I am a big enough person to not act on it. To not do something that would make you uncomfortable and sabotage what I am trying to do with my family. Given all that, isn't it possible to remain as my analyst?"

"I am glad that you were able to make that decision Ray," she said rather quietly. "But I think you need to realize that your health and success is the most important thing. To have an obstacle to that, i.e. our possible personal interaction, would not be beneficial. The thing you need to figure out is how to deal with your own issues, and the issues with your family. It is not to figure out how to turn off your feelings towards me. Do you understand Ray?"

Ray sighed.

"I understand. I am not happy but I understand. You would be worried, that I'd be wondering if you could be the woman that I love. If you could be the one that I want to share everything with. You know, don't you? That I am not unfeeling. I am just un-sharing."

"Yes Ray. I do."

"You are a beautiful, gifted woman Liz. I wish you the best. I wish you success and happiness. I wish you a field of soft grass and a good book to keep you company, and someone to watch over you, to keep you safe."

He could hear Liz breathe into the phone for a second or two before she spoke.

"Thank you Ray. I have compiled a list of doctors that I recommend for you to visit. I'll fax it over to you."

"Liz, I can't promise not to wonder what could have been. I don't want to go. But you're right. If I want this to work with Dana, then I can't have you around. Otherwise it won't be a total commitment to trying."

"So I'll just fax it over," she said again after a pause.

"Liz, Part of me wishes I was someone else. Someone new and fresh. Someone that didn't need you like a patient does. I know you'll be glad to see me go. But somewhere in that hidden world, that garden where you keep your own hopes and dreams. Elizabeth, just think of me every once in a while."

A moment of silence.

"I wish you the best of luck Ray. I think you are the right path. Good bye."

The click hurt his ear. It stretched the limits of his ear drum. Ray hated good byes. He wanted to cry. He wasn't good at crying. He learned to not cry by teachers who were masters of the subject. He wondered if it would help. Would it help to relieve this pressure on his shoulders, the tightness in his throat? His eyes felt heavy and dry. They were always so dry.

Saying goodbye to Liz was a road disappearing. It was an end of a "What could have been?" He didn't want to think in terms of regrets. Ray felt guilty at the thought. That made him mad. He had nothing to feel guilty about. Dreams of another woman do not measure up against Dana's affair. She wasn't worthy enough at this point. Ray didn't know if therapy was going to work for them. Dana would always be serving a penance that may never be fulfilled. She was to be punished forever. There might never be a forgiveness. And that wasn't love. Ray knew that. This anger was eating him. It was digesting him, and what was left was absolute. It was absolute, righteous and blindingly alone.

Ray looked at his email account. Dana had written him.

"Any preferences?" she wrote.

What followed was a list with 5 names of psychologists. It was the list of marriage counselors.

One name struck him as funny.

Michael Kahn. Michael Kahn.

Ray said to himself over and over.

Then it struck him. He pulled out the list that Liz had faxed him. There it was. Michael Kahn. Liz was sneaky enough to add doctors that had a background in counseling couples as well. The choice was obvious. The 2 ladies that he though about the most had made the same choice.

Dr. Michael Kahn was like a younger version of Albert Einstein. He had less hair, he was taller, and he wasn't as old. He was slimmer, and his moustache was neater, and his hair was a dark brown. In actuality, the more Ray thought about it, he looked absolutely nothing like Albert Einstein.

Dana and Ray got comfortable as Michael introduced himself.

"Call me Mike. I see you are Ray and Dana Averhurst. May I call you Ray and Dana?" he asked in a barely controlled tenor.

"Sure," Dana said as Ray nodded.

"So you are here to work on making your marriage stronger. And resolving some things that have popped up," Mike said hypothetically.

Dana and Ray both nodded.

"As you can see, I do not wear a wedding band. I am not married. I was married. I am not going to be a therapist that says that every marriage is going to work. With all my training my own marriage still dissolved. If that impacts our relationship please state it now. But I will have to tell you that we will try to fix what can be fixed. We will accept what can be accepted. But when all that is done, we will need to evaluate what is left. To share some of my story, to open the exchange, let me tell you that my ex-wife and I grew apart. We were both career oriented at that point in our lives. We were both too obstinate to try. We made mistakes that neither felt was forgivable. With you two we will need to decide where to go. Can we make a stronger bond between you two, or is it beyond repair? How does that sound?" Mike said.

"Ah..." Dana said hesitantly.

"It sounds perfect Mike," Ray said.

"Dana?" Mike asked again.

"Yes. It will do."

"You sound hesitant. You need to trust the things that I am going to ask of you. You need to trust me. What is it that is bothering you?"

Mike had a direct look. He had a mop of brown curly hair that bopped with his every movement.

"I never imagined that a marriage counselor would be divorced. If your marriage fell apart what hope do we have?"

"Are you both willing to try? Is this the most important thing that you have going on?" Mike asked.

"Yes," Dana said.

"Yes," Ray agreed.

"That was where my ex and I went wrong. We never put it first. Our careers were still first. Do you know what is ironic? She is re-married and a stay at home mom," Mike said it with a wry laugh. "But she is happier now than ever. I am happy for her. But I know now that if I ever get remarried, I will move heaven and earth to make it successful."

"Okay Mike. I am in," Dana said.

"Okay folks, so what's going on?" Mike asked.

"Our marriage was a, uh, good marriage..." Dana started.

"Alright, before we get any further. The other rule here is honesty. A benevolent honesty. Nothing is said that is meant to be hurtful. But honesty is essential."

"Our marriage was a little reserved. We each had our own reasons for being the way we were. But I did something stupid. I made a mistake. I had an affair," Dana said in embarrassment.

"Okay. Ray I will want you to add to what Dana is saying. But you need to realize that an affair is a symptom of a problem. It's not the true disease. But Dana, it is sometimes a symptom that rings the death knoll to anything living. That is what a marriage is, a living thing. It grows, it moves, and it needs to be fed and cared for. Tell me more about the marriage. Dana you continue."

"We were like two strangers. I had a rough childhood. I recently learned that my father was an alcoholic. But what I remember was this deadbeat that couldn't hold a job. That left my mom and me when we needed him. I made a promise to myself that I would never be with someone like that. I met Ray in college. He was pre-law. He was smart and attractive. He was calm and responsible..."

Ray felt dirty. Responsible was like saying he was reserved. He was faithful like a Labrador retriever. He had a wet nose and could fetch a newspaper.

"... and he knew where he was heading. I don't know if I fell in love with Ray in the classic sense of the word. Maybe not in the Romeo and Juliet sense. But I cared very much for him. We had a very orderly marriage. We each let each other do the things we needed to. We were ideally suited. He was self contained. I was self contained. He was perfect. He was home every night. He was kind. He was the type of man you could lean on, depend on. Count on. And that made me feel safe. I was so safe."

"Okay Dana, then what?" Mike asked.

"After our kids were born, and then headed to school, I was going stir crazy at home. I felt so out of sorts with reality. On a whim I started painting again. It was something I did in high school and even younger, and I enjoyed it, and I was supposedly very good at it. So I took an art class. And when I painted, I felt alive in a way that I have never. In a way that was primal and un-maternal. I felt a passion. I painted and I felt like I put my soul in every painting. I took a class with a male teacher. About this time a good friend of my husband's was falling in love. And when I heard about the two of them. When Luke described what he felt for Jessie, and when I saw them, I was blown away. This passion that I thought only existed when I painted was real for other people. It was something that could live between two people in love. And I was envious. I was awed. It was beautiful to watch. Not only the caring, but the feeling that the room was theirs and we were just bystanders between them. This was something that I couldn't imagine existing. Existing as something good, stable people could have. And my teacher asked me if I wanted additional lessons. I knew it was more than an offer to a student. But I went, I learned how to paint, and I searched for the passion that I learned existed out there."

"So this is your affair Dana? Why are we even here? It sounds like you made a choice."

Ray wanted to leave. He felt caged. He couldn't stand to hear this. He looked down at his hands clenching the arms of the chair. His knuckles were white like a falling dove and he could have sworn that he felt the wood bend and creak beneath his hands.