Chapter 12

The office wasn't any different. He just never took the time before to see it. He would usually sit in his chair, never looking around, trying to think of the answer to Liz's question. Everything in the office was soothing. His subconscious probably picked up on that. The only things missing were candles, soft music from a string quartet, and a subdued echo of Buddhist chanting, and he would be lost in the Zen of the room.

"So what are you planning to do Ray?" Liz asked again.

Since Dana had started to open up about herself, Ray was beginning to look at artwork in a totally new light. He saw the Monet print against one wall. It was framed in that business office frame. It was a shiny and stainless steel minimalist frame with a plexiglass cover that had odd scuffs that created high and low points in the reflection of light. It lacked any warmth, but it was probably real easy to clean with a squirt of Windex and a soft rag.

To the left of that between two windows against a wall was another painting. It was long and was beautifully framed. It was in a rich wood frame that was carved with subtle lines. It was chosen with care to compliment the picture within. He turned back to look at Liz. It was the perfect painting that she would be able to look at. It was right in her line of sight. It was something that her clients couldn't easily look at. But it was there for her to enjoy.

"I recognize the Monet. But what painting is that?"

Her lips pursed in displeasure at being ignored.

"That is a Winslow Homer painting. And before you ask it's called 'The New Novel'."

It was a very whimsical painting. A pretty girl lost in her own world as she was reading. It was enthralling in a very quiet way. It seemed to him that was what the Elysian Fields would look like.

"It's very pretty. I can see why you like it," Ray said solemnly looking at her.

In an unguarded moment he saw her. He truly saw her. She was vulnerable. She had the right things to say. She knew how to fix everyone else, but maybe not herself. And she had her own yearning and desires. And in the briefest of seconds, in the time it takes for a page to turn, and rain to fall, she was naked. She wasn't Liz his psychologist. She was pretty Liz. She was a woman with dreams and hopes. And then it was gone. And she was composed. And back.

"See how easy that was Ray. You asked a question and I answered. Now I ask the question. You answer."

"I don't know how to say 'I don't know' without being mad at myself," Ray ground out.

"You don't know what you are planning to do?" Liz asked

"No I don't."

"That's fair. This is not a decision to make lightly. Tell me what you are thinking and feeling as you ponder this."

"Everything is at war. I want her; I hate myself for wanting her. I think about her. I hate myself for thinking about her. I hide from her. I hate myself for hiding from her. Do you see a pattern?" Ray joked sarcastically.

"It sounds like you still have these strong unresolved feelings for your wife. And are guilty over them."

"She cheated on me."

"You suspected that she was."

"Thinking and knowing are two different things. You may think there is a hell. I know there is one. That makes our feelings and motivations completely different. I didn't want to know. Then it was so blatant that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. Each of my senses knew there was someone else. I couldn't deny it without denying everything else. I may as well have denied my own existence, denied that water is wet, ice is cold. It was that empirical. And then a marriage that was crumbling but being repaired, fell apart completely. Imploded like an old building brought down."

"Okay, so to re-visit. The depth of feeling for Dana is there but the self-directed anger, the feeling of betrayal, of broken trust is also there. For your marriage to continue you need to decide which one will win. It's as simple and complex as that."

"Liz, that is never simple."

"No its not. Are you considering marriage counseling with Dana? The trust will need to be rebuilt. You need to come to an agreement. A neutral common ground."

"Liz I have thought about that."

"Okay, explain." Liz scribbled some more in his folder.

"I am wondering what if I was to find someone else," Ray said almost shyly.

"Get a divorce and start dating?"

"Yes and no. Find someone who I can have an affair with. Someone that I can be with. So Dana will know what it is like."

"Okay. But how will that help?"

"We'll be equal. We'll both be cheaters."

"And then what?"

"Then Dana and I can try to make it work, or not."

"Won't Dana be hurt by your actions? Won't this other woman be hurt by being a body for your plan?"

"Yes and yes," Ray said glumly. "I just don't know what else to do. I think about it and I am going crazy. I want to hurt her, and then I hate myself if I do. I want her to feel what I am feeling, yet she is one of the persons I want to protect the most. And I don't want to hurt someone else. I wonder what would happen if I was to fall in love with that someone else."

"So this plan of yours is not a serious attempt?"

"No. I know how foolish it would be. The whole two wrongs thing. The only thing that I muse about is falling in love with someone else."

"What do you mean?" Liz asked.

"I think about how it would be if I were to meet someone. Someone smart and interesting and attractive. And she and I were to hit it off. She would be a great listener. She'd be very calm and intuitive. And I would try to be the same for her. She would have this quiet, passionate, whimsical side that not many people see. But I would see it. And she would share it with me. And I would be able to love her."

"You're describing a fantasy Ray. You are at a delicate point in your relationship. It is really a nexus. I don't know if it is helpful to start to fantasize about a dream girl."

"Is it a fantasy Liz? Is she truly just a dream?"

"What do you mean Ray?"

"Liz how do you handle hearing everyone's problems all day long."

"Ray, answer my question. What do you mean about the fantasy?"

"I'm trying to. Who listens to your problems? Who do you talk to about your own wishes?"

Ray fought the urge to fidget. It was hard. He looked over to Dana. She looked every bit as uncomfortable as he did. She caught his stare and smiled reassuringly. It was as if she was letting him in on a private joke between the two of them.

Ray looked away. He wasn't ready for any intimacy from her. He wasn't going to seek comfort in her.

He was dressed in a suit. Isn't that what fathers are suppose to wear to things like this? Dana was dressed pretty sharply as well. A pink blouse and beige slacks. The only thing missing was a knotted strand of pearls and the suburban housewife look would be complete.

He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes. The glances around the room were to camouflage his need to see her. The office was the kind of office that you would expect from a school official. The cabinets were that metal that could serve as a fallout shelter during a nuclear attack. The desk was impressive. Maybe that was a bi-product of being the principal. You were allowed a nice desk. Not something short and worn where thousands of pre-teen DaVinci's have scribbled their drawings in Number 2 graphite.

Ray hadn't seen her in days. He was home every night. But they were hiding from each other. She seemed to be waiting for something. Waiting for a bus to show up, a UFO to crash-land. Or even the rebirth the disco? It was a mystery to him, but there was an expectancy of something to happen around her. It scared him. Ray wasn't sure why. Was it because he was worried it wouldn't ever happen? Or was it because it would? He made sure he would play with the kids, talk to them, and eat dinner with them every night. He even sat across the dinner table from her. Still he never had to talk to Dana. He could see the pepper mill in front of her. He could see it as he talked to Timmy about pre-school. It was the Holy Grail. And he would turn to Judy and say, "Judy, could you pass the pepper and the salt."

Dana was now Mommy. That was her name.

"Timmy, did you thank Mommy for dinner?" Ray would say.

"Judy, was Mommy able to help you with your spelling words?"

He had settled into a rhythm. It was a schedule that he was comfortable with. He had all the angles covered. He knew how to play it. But this meeting today wrecked the schedule. There were no kids here to run interference. And she looked so good.

He feasted on her. Her fresh look and her skin soft like a cloud. He would allow no sexual thoughts in his head. He knew it would only be a quick jump before Phillip Marriot wormed his way in. It had been so long. Ray had been good for so long. Looking at her was his treat. It was his reward for re-learning how to be cold. Learning how to be cold to her and warm to everyone else.

That was how a marriage died. He knew the steps. He did it in ignorance and stupidity before. He was smarter now. But the steps were still natural.

She was his temptation. And he succumbed for the brief moment to let his sly sidelong glances fill with visions of her.

The door to the office opened.

"Mr. and Mrs. Averhurst. I am Dr. Nash." The tiny woman said as she walked in. She was probably 5' 2" but her voice was strong and unwavering.

Ray stood as the woman walked to her seat behind the desk. She was an older woman in her early 50's. She was a little heavy set with dark blonde hair that blended well with her brown business suit. Her presence made him want to promise to never do it again and walk back to his classroom in shame. There was something about her that made him feel a little nervous but also strangely a whole lot safe. It was an odd feeling. He couldn't recall ever having a thought like that.

"Dr. Nash, Please call me Ray."