Chapter 11

"That was what she said Liz," Ray stated without inflection.

"So you are saying that your wife has admitted to having an affair?" the doctor asked making her notes in a rapidly filling journal.

"Yes." I'm going to give the poor woman carpal tunnel, Ray thought.

"So what happened?"

"Well I did meet the other man. Phillip Marriot."

"I don't need to know his name Ray," the lovely brunette responded quickly.

"Too bad. You are going to hear his name. I am not going to call him Phil, or Phillip or Mr. Marriot. His name is Phillip Marriot. That is what Shirley Jackson would have called him if he was chosen in the Lottery. And to think an entire town would have benefited."

"Okay what happened when you met him?"

"Well I impressed upon him that I was of the opinion that he had committed a terrible wrong. And would have to deal with me to discuss his transgression."

"You threatened him?"

"Never. I simply told him a couple stories. I never once laid a hand on him."

"But?"

"Oh how I wanted to. I could feel it burn in my veins like heroin to an addict. It felt great. But I didn't. I didn't hurt him. I may hurt him tomorrow. But at least for today I didn't."

"That's great Ray. I don't think I can say that a handful of sessions are enough. But I am pleased with your progress. So what else did Dana have to say?"

The words made him flinch. They made the stone of his face crack with millions of hairline fissures. Fissures that time would erode into deep wrinkles of a hard life.

"And that was when my affair with Phillip started." Dana continued, "I know you spoke to Phillip. He called me."

"Phillip Marriot called here?" Ray responded with narrowed eyes.

"To confirm what I told him last night," Dana responded. "That it was over."

"How convenient," Ray smiled grimly.

"He sounded scared. What did you say to him Ray?" Dana asked.

"Sweet words and a promise of a caress or two," Ray leered with a look of satisfaction.

"Did you hear me? It's over between us."

"Save it for your diary."

"And I went over, wanting to give me and you a chance. I went to the bar that he and I went to and I told him it was over. I had a drink. He didn't want it to end."

Ray smiled again. "Was this your place? Was it like Cheers? Did they shout your names when you walked in? Or was it an Olive Garden where you got blitzed on a cheap Chianti and unlimited breadsticks?"

"Phillip..."

"Phillip Marriot" Ray said stubbornly.

"... He wouldn't let it end. He was pretty aggressive in his kisses. He said I was being foolish. You can't throw away half a year. Stupid, but I want us Ray. I chose us."

"Is this the part when I say 'Hallelujah' and say 'Dana, I am not a smart man, but I know what love is?' Then did you adjourn to his apartment for a good-bye fuck?" Ray chuckled sardonically.

"No I swear to you that I didn't have sex with Phillip..."

"Phillip Marriot"

"... with him last night."

"Now you say, 'Ray, I swear to you that I have never had sex with him. He tried holding my hand once but I crossed my legs and slapped his face.' Isn't that your line now Dana? I'm waiting. You were quick to swear on everything else. Swear it to me. I, Dana, solemnly swear that I have never had sex with Phillip Wetmypants Marriot so help me God."

Ear shattering silence. Glass exploding quiet.

"Ray, I, I don't. I can't..."

"No Dana. You have it wrong. It's 'Phillip Marriot I can't sleep with you, I am married. It's not a great marriage, but it can be.' Is that what you are struggling to say?"

"What can I say to you Ray? What can I do?"

The bitter laughter had lapsed. The cynical jester was gone.

"Go back and make this un-happen. Make it so that you kiss me and I become the prince. And as soon as I put the glass slipper where it belongs, the storm will end, a rainbow will shoot across the sky like a falling meteor, and blue birds will sing from every branch. Make this disappear. Do that for us Dana."

"Ray, I wish I could. I want this to work. I need for this to work. I think I lo..."

"Don't say it. Don't ever say that. Not to me."

"I know. This is wrong. I'm wrong. I don't deserve it. But I am my parent's daughter. I want the happiness. I need this happiness. What we had for the past couple weeks. Please. Think what can I do to make you forgive me? Think about it. When your disgust fades, when your hate passes to dislike, what can I do to make you want me again," Dana finished with a sob. Her voice was finally failing her.

There was a time he would have done anything to make her stop crying. Where he would have given her the moon to dry her eyes. But even this couldn't move him. Even now he could look at her at still feel the ache of her betrayal.

"Did Phillip Marriot tell you about the things that I am good at?" Ray asked suddenly.

After a pause she replied, "He said something about out of the few things that you are good at, forgiveness was not one of them. But please, I'm begging," Dana said falling to her knees in front of him. She looked up at him with eyes running like a waterfall. Her arms stretched up beseeching him to find a way in himself to make it all right. Make everything change so that no one was hurt.

"Neither is forgetting," Ray said almost regretfully.

"So she begged you to take her back?" Liz asked.

"Yes."

"And?"

"I basically said I can't."

"Why can't you?"

"Because she was unfaithful to me. I can't ever trust her again."

"Would you be willing to consider marriage counseling?"

"No."

"So you recognize that you have issues. And that Dana has issues. But you and Dana don't have issues?"

"No. I know we have issues. Just not issues that can be resolved."

"Without trying?"

"Liz, I can't get the image of them out of my mind. Whenever I think of her, whenever I think of him, I see it. I see her naked on the bed with him. God, its make me want to retch. I see it. I want it to disappear. I don't think it ever will."

"Was Dana a virgin when you married her?"

"No."

"Don't you think about the men she was with before you?"

"It's not the same."

"No it's not. I agree Ray. I am not a marriage counselor. But I want you to think about this. Why did Dana cheat? I know it hurts. I am sorry it happened. But was this trust broken beyond repair? Can you rebuild what you have? It is easier to walk away. To say good bye. What happened after you said 'No' to Dana?"

"She cried," Ray said. It was more than crying. It was not as loud as a wail or a howl. But it was jagged and hard and sloppy and ugly. It was everything that sad should be.

He had reached down to grab Dana's head clutching her hair in a tight fist. He cinched it between his fingers painfully tight. She looked up at him in fear and, maybe somewhere buried, a little hope. He felt his other hand rise. He was ready to slap her. He wanted to beat the sadness from her. She didn't deserve to be sad. The killers shouldn't cry at the funerals. His hand raised, the muscle in his neck twitched, the tendons in his shoulders and forearms readied for the signal. And then his hand paused to rub at his cheek and his other hand fell away from her head.

He looked down at her. His own waterfall threatening. He smiled a dismantled smile. His hand fell to her face as his thumb traced her bottom lip. Ray turned and walked away. Her sniffles and cries beat a soft retreat as he left the room.

It was an uneasy truce as Ray helped Dana get the kids fed and then in bed. He thought about what Liz said about trust earlier that day.

Liz was such an insightful woman. He knew he was lucky to have been able to find her. She was intelligent and attractive. He respected her perception. She was definitely gifted in her field. She was frank and honest. These were traits that he had underestimated at one time. Maybe not so much now.

"I have something to discuss with you," Dana said to him as she walked into his study/bedroom. "I've had all of last week to think."

"Hasn't everything been said?"

"No. No Ray it hasn't. I know that I have hurt you. I hate that I've hurt you. I would take it all a back if I could. I would make it all go away. But I can't."

"I know Dana."

"You may think its over between us. That it is too late. And maybe my father was unstable. Maybe he was a crazy lush. But my mother has tried to convince me that he was great as loving us. Well I may be a bit crazy too. Because I think we have a chance. I think we have it in us. I am selfish. I know that. I am being unfair. I am not playing by the rules. But I want us to try."