Chapter 1

She was having an affair. That thought resonated through his brain like a ringing in his ears. It made his stomach clench and his eyes burn. It was hard to think about. It was enough to make him want to bang his head against a wall.

She didn't love him anymore. That thought hurt like no other. It made him feel like the wall had banged against him. It was a deeper wound. It was a wound that spoke of total betrayal. The body was easy. It wasn't as guarded as the heart or the soul. It was not a superficial invasion, but more profound a penetration.

Dana with her short blonde hair and her eyes that sparkled with mischief. She was lost to him.

The last 6 months were strange. He could remember so many of the days. Recall so many of them with startling clarity. It was as if he had lived the 4 years previous in a haze. He went from one meeting to another. He was a slave to a Palm Pilot. Its beeps and chirps told him what to do and when to do it. He was scared to make a move without its permission. But then 6 months ago Chuck died. Actually that wasn't true. Chuck's actual death was much longer than that. But he died for Ray 6 months ago.

And the blow was unexpected. It snuck in under his guard. Chuck was really just lost. Chuck was just off living life to its fullest. He was surfing in Hawaii on his own Endless Summer chasing waves. Chuck was fucking beauty queens and wrestling gators in the south. But now they knew. The 3 friends had lost their friend. As close as they were they each felt it privately. Chuck's passing was a shock. It didn't fit neatly into Ray's structured life. It didn't comprehend. There wasn't a simple date entry to be made in his PDA. How was he supposed to sync it up in his mind?

He learned something that night. As the bottles of beer clanked together, a knell echoed out. A sound that fractured the crystal of his walls. His PDA was too small a shield against the arrows and barbs of life. And this last attack; it hurt. As much as he tried to stifle it. Hold it inside himself in that infinite well of acceptance and resignation that he prided himself on. But it wouldn't go quietly. It would 'rage, rage against the dying of the light.'

He didn't sleep that night. He twisted and turned until he was tired of pretending that sleep was waiting for him. He went to his den, took a book and a blanket, with the intention of reading away the night. He walked to his desk, looked at the computer, and sat in his chair. Maybe he would work. He was ready to turn on the monitor, ready to jolt the little box to life, but stopped short. He saw himself on the curved face of the monitor. He looked at the distorted lines of his profile. The disarray of blond hair. The darkening smudges under his eyes. The odd angle of his nose. It was one of those nights. When the memories were too thick like weeds and brambles that pushed up off the grave of the fireflies.

Chuck was gone. He was the open one. He had nothing to hide. He had no shame to feel. He was strong and brave. Ray looked at his hands. Even now they seemed fragile. Even now his wrists looked thin and dainty. His fingers curled like a flytrap closing and balled into fists. Even now his fists looked like small oranges not thick and potent like ham hocks or beef knuckles. He looked back at the monitor half expecting to see a little boy's face to look back at him. He pulled the blanket around himself trying to shroud himself against the cold. He couldn't get warm.

Chuck was gone. He was the strength. He was the unguarded one. The one who loved and shared himself with those around him. Ray was in awe of that. He spent a lifetime keeping himself distant. Keeping himself calm. Keeping the churning of his belly, the rumple in the pit of his stomach quiet. Ssshing it like a truculent child. Ray looked at his face. The pictures on his desk caught his eye. His son looked like him. That was his face over 25 years ago. His daughter was more her mother. But to see her end up like him tore at Ray. And Dana. His beautiful Dana. He would be strong for them. But he was weary. Weary of trying to be strong; so tired of hiding. That's what it was. Hiding himself away. Hiding himself behind a mountain. The energy to keep everything inside, buried more than 6 feet down, was fracturing him, splintering him. Weary of keeping a safe, safe distance.

His kids didn't know him. And his wife... When would it all change to hate?

Then a peace settled over him like oil over the ocean. And he leaned back to close his eyes. It was time to end these walls. Time to re-learn how to feel. And maybe more importantly to share himself.

And now 6 months later he is still struggling with it. The learning to be human, to break and let others see the break was harder than he thought. Struggling to not suffer in silence. It was a sick pride in thinking that he was harder and colder than the peak of Everest. That to touch him was to pull back with frostbite.

Dana. She may have given up on trying to save him. And that hurt. She may have realized that she needed to save herself. She would have to save herself and the kids.

He wanted to hate her. But he understood.

Luke had called him. Luke knew what he was feeling. If Ray would ever let himself reveal it to anyone. Jessie was with someone else and he knew Luke was hurting. Luke didn't know how to swallow the pain. Swallow it against the bitter taste and gag reflex as everything in you tries to reject it. Ray would never teach him. Better that Luke never learn. He liked the new Luke. The new Luke was smart and funny. And witty. And brave. And open. And the new Luke was a fighter.

Ray heard the words.

"Ray, you of all people should know that when you have something special, you don't just let it go," Luke said.

He couldn't help himself. He had too many years of practice. Too many years of playing the safe card, on holding on 16, and never trying for 21.

"I just hope it's not Don Quixote and the windmill," Ray said solemnly. Hating himself for saying it.

He crawled into bed later that night. Dana had her back to him. She was hugging the edge like a lifeline. The pillow width between them was miles across. He lay on his back. She wasn't sleeping, her breathing wasn't regular.

He wanted to feel close to her. Find a way to see her face to learn what she was thinking. But how?

"Dana," he said softly.

"Dana," he said again.

She turned onto her back and looked over at him.

"Is something wrong? Is it the kids?" she asked.

"No. I was just curious how you were doing? How your day went?"

"Oh, fine. Everything is fine."

He reached over and put his hand on her shoulder.

"You look just like when we met," he said, silently cursing himself for not being as witty as Jimmy or Luke.

"I do?" she asked half distracted. Her eyes seemed just a little bit distant.

"Yes."

He leaned in to kiss her. She turned to it and chastely kissed him back.

Ray pressed his lips against her as her mouth opened under his. His tongue surged in hard and wet.

He could taste her surprise.

She put her hands on his shoulder. He could feel her grip was unsure. Her touch was vacillating between holding him and pushing him away.

He put his hands underneath her pajama top reaching up to cup her breasts. His fingers rubbed against the nipples until they stood tall. He took his hands away and then opened the buttons to her top.

He leaned in and took the first nipple in his mouth. He ran his tongue across it and alternated between suckling and licking. He moved to the second to repeat the same treatment.

Dana's breathing quickened. She half stifled a groan. He pushed her pajama bottoms and panties down and off. He glanced his approval at the lithe line of her legs.

He ran his hands over her bottom kneading it. He moved his hand over to her pussy. She wasn't ready for him. He pushed his fingers in his mouth wetting them. He then put his fingers against her trying to tease her clit with his moistened fingers. She couldn't smother the moan from her lips.

He alternated rolling and swirling his fingers against her watching as her hips lifted and moved in time to the movement of his hand. When she was about to come he pulled back and moved up to tease her nipples again.

She let out a groan of frustration. Ray waited for a 10 count before his hand ventured down again. He found her clit and went back to his slow spirals. He pressed his index finger slowly into her. He pulled it slowly from her, wet and glistening, and added his middle finger. He ease them slowly back into her letting the heel of his hand grind into her. He slowly thrust into her, in and out, over and over, until her hips were clenching and unclenching. Until she was letting out little groans and sighs.

He pushed his pants down and moved over her. He had his cock in his hand guiding it into her. Slowly easing it into her. She pushed her hand on his shoulder and he paused waiting for her to adjust to him. And then he proceeded until he bottomed out and was in her as deeply as he could get.

Her sigh was soft and her moans were softer. He moved within her looking at her face.

He grimaced and moved quicker and harder feeling her movements beneath him. He paused and sucked on two fingers. He reached between them and rubbed at her clit bringing her closer to the edge. Then he moved again. Moving faster and grinding himself into her. He looked at her face, and moved harder, ramming himself into her. She gasped a little as her own movements picked up speed. Her legs tightened around him as little incoherent words were coming from her lips.