Chapter 2

The door that led from the small room into the sanctuary was opened a crack allowing us a view of the large room. We still had twenty-five minutes to wait so as I waited for things to get started I began to reflect on how I got from the depths of my despair while driving from Las Vegas to Los Angeles at four o'clock in the morning three years ago to the near state of euphoria I was in that Saturday afternoon. That night had been the lowest point of my life and it had taken the full three years for me to recover from the pain.

My fiancée Kate and her friends had gone to Las Vegas for her bachelorette party and things had gotten out of hand. The trip across the desert that early morning began after I had caught Kate in bed performing oral sex on a weasel by the name of Carl Long at the Monte Carlo Hotel in Las Vegas. I left the hotel that night driven by anger and a desire to get as far away from Kate as I could. I remembered that as I crested the first large hill on the way out of Vegas and the lights of the strip were no longer filling my rear window my anger began to transform into depression. I had so many questions but no answers. Why had Kate done it? Didn't she love me? Had she ever really loved me? Did she think it wouldn't matter if she fucked someone else as long as I never know about it?

Did Kate think about the possible consequences of her actions? The only rationalization I could come up with for her actions was that she thought she could have one last fling before getting married. She certainly never expected me to be in Vegas watching her every move or that I would walk in on her and catch her in the act. That was the easiest explanation. It didn't make me feel any better however; it did let me move on to other questions.

One big question was why Kate would engage in unprotected sex with a stranger. Her actions could have put us both at risk. Kate knows better than that. I could come up with no satisfactory answer for that question so I moved on to the next obvious question. Was this a one time event or had Kate done this sort of thing before? I knew that if I wanted answers I was going to have to talk to Kate.

Unfortunately, I had other questions that I knew Kate would not be able to answer. Questions that only I could answer. For instance, why did I stand back and watch all this taking place and do nothing to stop it. There were several times I could have interceded and put a stop to Kate's destructive behavior. I told myself that I had to find out how far Kate would go but did I have to let her go all the way to get my answer. In retrospect that was just a poor plan. If I would have stepped in at the first sign of trouble I could have prevented Kate from going to bed with that weasel. What's the worst that could have happened if I had stopped her? Nothing could be worse than the way things did turn out. Even if the worse case did happen at least I wouldn't have the awful visual images of Kate performing oral sex haunting me.

By the time I reached my apartment at 9:00 AM I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I went straight to bed and sleep for more than twelve hours. When I finally did get up it was only to eat a sandwich and drink a couple of beers and then I went back to bed.

The next day I dragged myself to work. I tried to keep busy so I wouldn't have time to think about Kate. Shortly after lunch Ted called me to ask me how things had gone in Vegas.

"Well, did the subject of your undercover surveillance misbehave?" Ted asked with a laugh.

"Things didn't go well Ted."

"Why? What happened?"

"I can't talk about it right now," I said.

"How about meeting me for a drink after work and telling me what happened?" Ted asked.

"I'll meet you at the Rail at six o'clock."

The Rail was actually the Brass Rail. It was the bar Ted and I and our other friends often stopped at after work.

"I'll be there waiting for you," Ted said.

I arrived at the Rail shortly after six o'clock and when I walked in Ted was sitting at bar the talking to Sam, the bartender. I walked over and sat on the stool next to Ted and didn't say a word as Sam and Ted continued their conversation. My mind was in such a confused sate that I was never sure what Ted and Sam were talking about. Their conversation seemed to come to an end and then Ted looked at me.

"Sam, I believe this man needs a shot of bourbon and a Bud," Ted said.

Sam set the shot glass in front of me and filled it with Jim Beam and then went off to get my beer from the cooler.

"Jesus John, you look like shit. How bad did it go in Vegas?"

I didn't answer him. I just waited for Sam to bring my beer and then I took the shot of Jim Beam in one swallow and waited for the warmth of the bourbon to spread through my body. I followed this by taking a large mouthful of beer and swallowing it to chase away the burn in my throat and when I looked at Ted, he was just staring at me. Then with a nod of my head I indicated to Ted that I wanted to move to a table where we could talk in private. Thankfully Ted understood what I wanted and dropped a five dollar bill on the bar.

"John and I have a private matter to discuss," Ted said.

Ted picked up his drink and followed me across the room to a table against the wall.

We sat quietly for a minute while I was trying to think of how to start.

"Are you going to tell me what happened in Vegas or am I going to have to shake it out of you?" Ted asked.

"I broke up with Kate."

"Bull shit. Don't kid around like that."

"It's true. I caught Kate in bed with another guy," I said.

"Damn it John, don't fuck with me. This is not funny."

"Do I look like I think this is funny? Kate cheated on me and I caught her with this fucking weasel's cock in her mouth."

"Oh shit man. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I just can't imagine Kate doing anything like that. God damn. You really caught her that way?"

"Yes."

"Why? Did you two have a fight? Did she find out you were spying on her? What the fuck happened?" Ted asked.

In order to make Ted understand I told him everything starting from the moment Kate and her friends arrived at the Monte Carlo on Friday night until I walked out of her hotel room early Sunday morning.

"What are you going to do now?" Ted asked.

"I don't know. Just try to get through this the best I can."

"You think there is any chance you and Kate can get back together?"

"Of course there's a chance. All I have to do is call Kate and tell her that I forgive her for fucking that weasel and ask her to marry me," I said.

"Sorry, stupid question," Ted said.

"That's okay. I have asked myself that question several times and the answer is always the same. No fucking way," I said.

The ushers had begun escorting people to their seats as I watched through the partially opened door.

I remembered calling my parents that Monday night when I got home from the Rail and giving them the bad news without a lot of detail. I am sure they thought that I had done something to cause the break up and while I hated them to think badly of me I somehow couldn't bring myself to tell them what really happened. It was just to humiliating.

After the difficult call to my parents I notified the rest of my friends that the wedding was off. It amazed me how friends thought they were being supportive by saying things like, "You're better off without a slut like that," or "She has probably been cheating on you all along."

Comments like those were not helpful. I just couldn't bring myself to think of Kate in those terms and it hurt to hear others say things like that about her. After all, those comments reflected badly on me too. Was I such a fool that I didn't know what was going on?

The next two days had passed unremarkably which was a relief to me because I wasn't ready to handle any more bumps in my road. On Thursday night when I got home from work the light on my message recorder was blinking. I debated about whether to listen to the message or not. I just didn't want to deal with anything in addition to what I was already dealing with in my head. In the end I pushed the play button on the recorder.

"It's me. I thought that you might not want to talk to me so I decided to call when I knew you wouldn't be home and just leave this message. I want to come over tonight to pick up my things and I was hoping we could talk. If you don't want to talk to me, I'll understand. I'll be there around eight o'clock so you don't have to be there if you don't want to, I'll leave the key on the kitchen table when I leave."

Kate's message left me very agitated. I didn't know if I was ready to see her, let alone talk to her. I had a lot I wanted to say to her about what happened and questions I wanted her to answer. I wanted to vent my anger on her but wasn't sure I would be able to sufficiently control my emotions. I wanted to tear into her but the last thing I would ever want to do is attack he physically. I would never forgive myself if I did that.

I decided that there was no point in putting it off. I was going to have to talk to her sooner or later, and with her already coming over to pick up her stuff from my apartment it just made sense to stay home and deal with it.

I was looking out the window at eight o'clock when I saw Kate's car pull up to the garage gate. When she still hadn't knocked on the door ten minutes later, I figured that she must have seen my car and got scared. She probably had to screw up her courage to be able to come upstairs to face me.

When Kate finally knocked on the door I didn't move to open it. Kate knocked again and when I still didn't answer; she used her key to open the door. I was sitting in the kitchen drinking a beer when she came in.

"I didn't think you were here," Kate said.

"I'm here."

"I can see that now."

Kate came into the kitchen and when she looked at me I almost looked away but I caught myself. Why should I look away? I didn't have anything to feel guilty about so I looked directly at her and she looked away.

"Do you want to talk?" Kate asked.

"Not yet."

"When?"

"After you get your things together we'll sit down with a beer and talk," I said, in a voice so calm I surprised myself.

Kate went about her business silently and efficiently and by 8:30 she had everything together and ready to go down to her car. She set her boxes by the door and came back into the kitchen and stood by the counter.

I handed her a beer, "Okay, you're on," I said.

Kate just looked at me with a quizzical expression.

"You wanted to talk so start talking," I said.

I could see this threw Kate off stride. She obviously didn't know how to start this conversation. I didn't either and that's why I put it on her to start. Kate set her beer on the counter and tried to meet my stare but couldn't keep eye contact.

"I guess you want to know why I did it," she said.

"That would be a good start," I said.

"I don't know why I did it. It just kind of happened. I had a lot to drink on Saturday and was feeling a little crazy Saturday night. Then Carl came over and asked me to dance."

"Carl? Was that the assholes name?"

"Yes. Carl Long. Anyway, while we were dancing he kept telling me how beautiful I was and that he thought I was the sexiest girl he had ever seen. I don't why I would fall for a line like that but I liked hearing it. Then when I sat down Sherry kept saying, "He's cute. You should go for it. Have your last fling before marriage."

"So this is Sherry's fault?"

"No, I know it was my fault but it didn't help to have her egging me on. It's just that when he came back and asked me to dance with him again it was to a slow song. While we danced, he pressed himself against me and I could feel him getting hard. He told me that having me so close was causing him to become aroused. I don't know why but when he asked me to go up to his room. I suggested that he come to my room instead. I swear I don't know why I did it. It was just a terrible mistake," Kate said.

"A mistake? Making a left turn when you're supposed to make a right is a mistake. Bringing home a bottle of white wine when you were supposed to get red is a mistake. What you did was not a mistake. You knew there were consequences to your actions but you didn't hesitate to jump into bed with that fucking asshole."

"I don't know what to say. I never intended for any of this to happen," Kate said.

"So this whole thing started Saturday night?"

"Yes."

"That's bull shit," I said.

"What?"

"I said that's bull shit. How do you think I happened to show up in your room Saturday night?"

"Pam called you."

"She didn't and even if Pam did call me how could I have gotten here in time to catch you sucking his cock if I didn't know what you were up to until late Saturday night."

Kate looked confused.

"Pam didn't call you?"

"I just told you she didn't call me."

"I guess I owe Pam and apology too."

"Who else do you owe an apology?" I asked.

"What?"

"You just said that you owe Pam an apology too. So who else do you own an apology?"

"You, of course."

"Don't bother trying to apologize. Telling me you're sorry isn't going to buy you any goodwill from me," I said.

Tears started to run down Kate's cheeks.

"If Pam didn't call you, why were you there?"

"I was there all weekend."

"You couldn't have been," Kate said,

I got up and went to my desk and pulled out the prints of the pictures I had taken and the roller coaster photo I had purchased. I also picked up the bag next to my desk and went back to the kitchen.

I dropped a picture in front of Kate. It was the one of her dancing with Carl on Friday night when he had his hands on her ass.

"You said that everything happened late Saturday night so how do you explain this picture taken on Friday night?"

"How did you get this picture?"

Then I dropped the picture of her sitting at the table with Carl. I could see that Kate remembered when that picture had been taken.

"John, how did you get these pictures?"

I quickly pulled the surfer wig out of the bag and pulled it on and turned to Kate.

"The two of you make a lovely couple. Are you married? Engaged?" I said.

Kate's hand went up to her mouth.

"Oh God. That was you?" She asked.

"Yes, that was me. I was close by all weekend and I watched you act like a girl on the make on Friday night."

I dropped the picture of Kate and Carl on the roller coaster in front of her.

"You did it again Saturday afternoon and Saturday night." I said and dropped the rest of the pictures, except for the last one I took, on the counter.

Kate was weeping openly as she looked at the pictures.

"Would you like to change your story now?" I asked.

"I guess it doesn't make any difference what I say now. The truth is that it all started on the trip over to Vegas. We were drinking and Sherry kept telling me that I should have one last fling and after a while it started to sound like a good idea; but I still didn't plan on doing anything. What I told you about Carl was true except that it started Friday night instead of Saturday. I just didn't want to make this any more painful than necessary," Kate said.

"The truth would have been less painful. When you were dancing with the asshole, did you even think about me?"

"No, I guess I didn't. If I had I certainly would not have let this happen," She said.

"You didn't think of me when the guy next to you on the dance flood Saturday night said, "Somebody told me that you were getting married in two weeks. Is this your fiancé?"

"That was you too?"

"Yes, it was. Did you think about me when I called you while you were in bed with that fucking weasel?"

"Oh God, how could I have been so stupid?"

"Don't look at me for help with that," I said.

"I have one more question," I said. I dropped the picture of Kate sucking Carl's cock on the counter. "How could you have been so fucking stupid that you would have unprotected sex with a complete stranger? You realize that you put yourself at risk and you would have put me at risk too if I hadn't caught you."

Kate picked the picture up and tore it into tiny pieces and began crying harder.

"Destroying that picture won't help. I still have the original imbedded in my brain," I said.

Kate just stood looking at the pieces of the picture in her hand and slowly moved her head back and forth. After a couple of minutes Kate regained her composure.

"I guess there really isn't anything I can say. I wish I could go back and fix this but I can't. Unless you have some more surprises you want to spring on me I think I'll leave," Kate said.

Kate pulled her key out of her pocket and set it on the counter and started to turn to walk away.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" I asked.

"Forgetting what?"

"The ring," I said.

Kate took a deep breath and pulled the engagement ring off her finger and set it next to the key on the counter. I walked to the door with Kate and picked up a couple of her boxes and carried them down to her car for her.

Just before she drove away Kate said, "I know you don't want to hear this but I am truly sorry that I did this to you. I do still love you."

I didn't respond. I just turned and headed back up to my apartment.

"Looks like it's going to be a full house out there," Ted said, bringing me back to the moment.

"Yeah, it's filling up fast."

Ted seemed nervous but I felt very calm. I continued to watch the ushers perform their task while I let my mind wander back in time again.

For the next three weeks I did nothing but work during the days and sit in my apartment and drink beer at night. This routine was finally broken when Pam called me and asked me to meet her for drinks after work. I suggested we meet at the Rail and she agreed.

I was already at the Rail when Pam arrived. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"How have you been?" She asked.

"It's been hard but I'll get through this," I said.

"You look like you have gained some weight," Pam said.

"I guess I have been drinking too much lately and not getting any exercise."

"You've got to take care of yourself. You can't let this ruin your health."

"You're right. I guess it's time to get back to my normal routines."

"Make sure you do."

"Okay mother, I will." I said.

Pam laughed. "I'm just worried about you two," she said.

"Two?" I asked.

"You and Kate. Both of you are my friends and I care about both of you."

I just let that pass without comment. I have to admit though that I was curious about how Kate was doing, but I wasn't about to ask Pam. I didn't want her to go back and tell Kate I asked about her. I didn't want to send the wrong messages.

"Did you know Kate told her parents the truth about what she did?" Pam said.

I was stunned.

"She did? Why would she do that? She could have found a way to spare them that pain," I said.

"I think she was punishing herself."

"How did her parents take the news?" I asked.

"They were pretty pissed; but they are her parents and they had to forgive her. Well maybe they didn't have to, but they did."

Pam and I spent the next half hour just talking. I avoid talking about what happened in Las Vegas and Pam didn't mention it again. We had just ordered another drink when I saw Ted come through the door. He spotted me and waved and headed for the bar. I guess that was when he saw me with Pam. He thought I might be there on a date, so he wasn't going to interrupt us. Ted ordered a drink and then looked over at me. I signaled for him to come and join us.

"Ted, you know Pam, don't you?" I asked.

"We met once before," he said. "Hi Pam. Nice to see you again."

The three of us sat there for a couple of hours talking and they even had me laughing. It was at that point that I knew I was going to be okay.

I watched one of the ushers escort and elderly couple to a front row seat and I wondered how long they had been together.

I didn't see Kate again for about three months. It happened at a mutual friend's party. I almost didn't go because I knew there was a chance Kate would be there. At the time I had just started dating Angela, and decided to take her to the party. I had known Angela for a few years. She worked in my office and often flirted with me. She used to say, "If you weren't engaged," leaving the rest of that to my imagination.

After the break up I figured that I should find out what Angela would do if I wasn't engaged. One afternoon I stopped at her desk and asked her if she would like to have a drink with me after work. That night we had drinks at the Rail and in the morning we had breakfast in her apartment.

I decide to take Angela to the party because I wanted Kate to see that I was moving on with my life. I spotted Kate as soon as we walked in the door and I noticed that she was alone. That made me feel good, not because I would have been jealous but because I wanted her to feel lonely when she saw that I had a date. I guessed that I still had a need to get revenge on her. I did my best to ignore her during the evening but I caught her watching me a couple of times.

Late in the evening, as I was returning from using the bathroom Kate suddenly appeared next to me.

"Hello John."

"Kate."

"How have you been?" Kate asked.

"I'm much better now that I've been cured of trusting people," I said.

"I guess you're still angry."

"And in your case I will be for a long time," I said.

Just then Angela appeared. She slipped her arm through mine and looked at Kate.

"Sorry, I have to take John home now," Angela said. "I think he is going to get lucky tonight."

Then Angela kissed me. A deep soulful kiss. Kate disappeared before the kiss ended.

"Why did you do that?" I asked.

"You wanted to make her jealous, didn't you?" Angela said. "Besides, I was serious about your getting lucky tonight."

I felt bad that Angela had done that to Kate but I didn't let it interfere with the rest of my evening and Angela was right, I did get lucky that night.

I took Angela out a couple more times but there was nothing more to our relationship than the physical aspect.

I estimated that there were about 200 people in the church. The Ushers were still seating people, but what had started off as a steady stream of people was now just a trickle.

After Angela, I didn't date anyone for a while. I didn't want to get involved in a long term relationship but I wasn't interested in dating the type of women that felt the same way. I realized that would sound strange to other people but it made sense to me. I wasn't ready to make a long term commitment to anyone yet. I was going to have to learn to trust again first. At the same time I wasn't interested in dating women who were just looking for short sexual relationships.

It had been a couple of months since that last party when Pam called me and asked me to come to a party she was having at her apartment. I was proud of myself. I said yes without asking if Kate would be there because I really didn't care.

Pam's party turned out to be a reversal of the last party. This time Kate was there with a date and I wasn't. Kate was hanging onto this guy's arm like she was afraid he would float away if she let go. While it didn't bother me that she had a date it did bother me that Kate seemed to be trying to make me jealous. It was kind of sad.

After about two hours of pretending to ignore me, Kate brought her boyfriend over and introduced him to me thereby initiating one of the strangest conversations I have ever had.

"John, I'd like you to me Peter Thompson," Kate said.

We shook hands.

"Nice to meet you, Peter," I said.

I looked him over quickly and decided that he didn't really seem to be Kate's type but then I would not have thought that the weasel in Las Vegas was her type either.

"So you're the ex?" Peter said."

"Ex what?" I said. I was just being obtuse.

"Ex fiancé."

"Ex, that's right. I'm the lucky one," I said.

Kate made a face that told me she felt the sting of that comment.

"This is one hot little lady. I am sure glad she dumped you so that I could get a taste of this beautiful body," Peter said.

I looked at Kate but she was staring at him as thought he was the only person in her world. Something struck me as being disingenuous about the two of them. How could she let him talk about her like that? Well, I sure as hell wasn't going to straighten him out.

"Glad I could be of service," I said.

"Kate tells me that I really know how to float her boat," Peter said.

"And which boat would that be?" I asked.

"You know what I mean. She says my touch excites her more than anyone else."

I took a careful look at Kate and didn't see any sign that his touch was exciting her; at least not the way she showed it when I had excited her.

"I'm really happy for the both of you," I said.

"You want to know what really turns her on?" He asked.

'I think I know this one. Give me a minute... Oral sex?" I said.

The smile left Peter's face and Kate recoiled a little. Peter wasn't expecting that answer and didn't seem to know what to say. I leaned in close and whispered in Peter's ear.

"I never had to touch her to excite her, "I said. "Watch her nipples."

I turned toward Kate and said, "Do you remember how hard your nipples used to get when I talked about them. I'll bet they are getting hard right now. Look, you can see them growing right now."

Kate's face turned bright red and her nipples were suddenly very prominent as they protruded through her top. Peter was staring at them in disbelief.

"You see Peter, I don't think there is anything you can teach me about Kate, but thanks for thinking of me," I said.

I left the two of them were speechless as I walked away.

The sudden appearance of Reverend Holcomb caught my attention.

"It's time," he said.

Reverend Holcomb opened the door and walked out into the sanctuary. Ted and I followed him out and moved to the steps in front of the altar. One of the ushers escorted the mother of the bride to her seat.

Before I left the party that night Pam had asked me to have dinner with her the following Wednesday night and I agreed. I couldn't imagine what she would want to talk about. She had to have seen Kate's act at the party so she couldn't still be trying to get us back together.

I met Pam at the restaurant Wednesday evening and she never mentioned Kate. For a while I thought that she was trying to see if I would ask about her. I wanted to only because I wanted to get Pam's perspective on the way Kate had acted with her new boyfriend at the party but I let it go.

We had a very nice dinner and we talked about ourselves. What I had at first thought was Pam wanting to get together to talk about Kate was beginning to feel like a real date. At the end of the evening I gave Pam a kiss on the cheek and suggested that we should get together again soon. Pam said that she would like that.

When I got home that night I started to think seriously about dating Pam. We were already friends, I knew I could trust her, she was attractive and I liked her very much. Could that like grow into love?

The down side to the idea was that Pam was Kate's best friend. By dating me she would risk losing Kate as a friend and if things didn't work out between us she could also lose me as a friend. There was also the possibility that Pam would have no interest in dating me in the first place. I decided to proceed slowly.

I asked Pam out to dinner a couple of weeks later and we had a very enjoyable evening but I didn't feel any electricity between us yet. I decided not to try and push anything with Pam. If there was something there it would come out in time.

Pam and I got together a couple more times in the next month but after that we stopped calling each other. I started to think that Pam was just trying to make sure I didn't sit at home every night drinking beer and getting fat. Well, I wasn't sitting at home any more and I did lose the weight.

The ushers made their way to the front of the church and lined up to my left and faced the rear of the church. Then two very young girls started down the aaisle tossing flower petals on the floor.

For a while I dated sporadically, seldom dating the say girl more than two or three times. Sometimes it was for the sex other times it was for companionship. During this period of time I had lost contact with most of my old friends. I hadn't seen Ted in a few months and for most of my other friends it had been even longer. I was moving on with my life and it seemed that I had changed directions as well.