Chapter 13

We arrived at the office about 2:30. Most of the gang were in the open space that we called the "bullpen." I introduced Shauna to them and they to her. Then I took her to meet Joe Dudich.

Joe seemed to be in a good mood. He rose from his desk and shook Shauna's hand in a most courtly way. He invited her to sit. Pointedly, he did not indicate that I should take a chair, so I left the two of them to get acquainted. I went to my office to catch up on the material for next week's shows.

In about twenty-five minutes, Shauna came in to my office. She was grinning. "You were right," she said, "What a nice guy. He wanted to know all about me. And he's going to get me everything I need. Everything that Tim hasn't already taken care of, that is. These people are great. This is a fantastic place to work."

I smiled back at her. "Yeah, most of the time. Just wait until the shit hits the fan. There may be federal elections coming up soon. It can get pretty tense around here at times like that."

"Thanks for warning me. Before I forget, I should tell you that Joe said he'd like to see you."

I groaned. "OK. I'll come get you in your cave when I'm done with him."

I went to Joe's office. He glowered up at me from behind his desk. "Close the fucking door," was all he said. I did.

When the door was closed, Joe stood. He came over to me and looked me in the eye. Well, he was a good head shorter than me. He looked in my eye, but it was on about a thirty degree angle.

"OK. You're going to give it to me straight. And remember that I know you well enough to know if you're lying to me. Are you doing this kid or what?"

"Joe, it's not like that..."

"Bullshit! It's always exactly like that with you. If you spent half as much time working as you do trying to get your end in, you'd be the world's greatest journalist. I repeat, are you fucking her?"

"Like I said, it's not like that. Oh, I admit that my original intent was to have a little dalliance with her..."

"Dalliance my ass! You brought her here to be your toy. You know that, and I know that. I just want to know what kind of shit I'm likely to step in. Give me the courtesy of telling me before I ruin my shoes."

I sighed. "Joe, I know that you're not going to believe this. I'm not sure that I do. But I'm in love."

Joe sighed in return. "Please don't insult my intelligence. You don't know the meaning of that word. 'Love' my ass! I'll take that as a yes. You're fucking her all right. Well, you're a fast worker, I'll give you that."

"Let's sit down, Joe, and talk about this calmly and rationally."

"OK. This'd better be good."

We sat down -- not at the desk, but on the upholstered chairs by the coffee table. I looked Joe in the eye.

"How long have you known me?"

"Christ, I don't know. Twenty years? More? Anyway, too long to believe anything you say about women."

"All right. Let's say twenty years. In all that time, have you ever heard me use the L-word before?"

"No. So what?"

"Joe, I'm head over heels for this kid. I think I want to marry her." Shit, had I said that? First the L-word, now the M-word. Jesus!

Joe looked at me for a moment with his mouth open. Then, he went over to his desk and picked up the phone.

"Who are you calling?"

"I'm calling the cops and then a shrink. You may be dangerous. You ought to be locked up."

"Put down the fucking phone and stop clowning around. OK, now come back here and sit down."

Once again we sat and I looked at Joe eye to eye.

"Believe me when I say that I'm serious about this. It may or may not work out, but I've got to try. It's something I have to do. I'm going to give it my best shot."

"What about Tori?"

"That's over. She's staying in Edmonton."

"How the fuck can something like this happen so fast? That's the kind of shit that only happens in movies and then only because they have to get the whole thing over in an hour and a half. Have you lost your fucking mind?"

"Possibly. A week ago, if I'd thought I would ever say what I've just said to you, I'd probably have checked myself into the funny farm. I'd like to think that I'm growing up at last. Believe me, I'm giving it to you straight. I've told you the way it is and the way I want it to be."

"Have you actually asked her to marry you? You can get into all sorts of shit that way. Have you ever heard of breach of promise?"

"No, I haven't asked her. I don't know when or if I will. It has to be the right time, and I've got to find the courage first. You're the only other person who knows that I'm even thinking about it."

Joe looked at me a while. He looked down. He looked back up again. He put his hand on my shoulder. And he said, "Pat, I think you should reconsider this whole fucking thing. Maybe it's just because I like you better as a prick. Well, maybe 'like' is too strong a word. I understand you that way. You've had a lot of experience at being a prick. You're good at it. You've always been the kind of a guy who divided women into two different categories: broads and cunts. I never knew exactly what the dividing line was, and I've never been comfortable with that shit. I've been married for twenty years, and I have two daughters. But I knew that's what made you tick. And speaking frankly, you've been my bread and butter. This cocksucking show doesn't exist without you. You're the bread and butter of everyone who works on this fucking show. Try to feel some responsibility for them. Don't go off the deep end all of a sudden.

"I heard about Moe. I know what he means to you. Hell, what he means to all of us. To everybody with a conscience who's ever worked in this town, for that matter. That's hit you hard. I know that. And Tori hauling ass out of your life happened at a bad time. But don't go completely crazy. If you want to fuck this kid, I can live with that. I may not like it, but I can live with it. It won't be the first time. But to let her lead you around by the fucking nose -- this is not good. This could be worse than all your bullshit to date."

Joe hung his head and ran his hands through what little hair he had left. "Why the fuck couldn't I have a reasonably sane host like every other producer? Why the Christ did I draw you? I'm begging you, please get back to prick mode. I can deal with that. I have no idea how to cope with you as a wimpy romantic fuck."

"Joe, believe me, this isn't my choice. I'm just doing what I have to do. Maybe I'll fuck myself up, but I'll try like hell not to fuck up anyone else. Especially you. You've always been a great friend. You've stuck with me through all kinds of shit, and you run this unit better than anyone else could. You say that the show doesn't exist without me. I say bullshit to that. We're a team, you and I. Without either of us, I doubt that this show could go on. So I'm begging you, cut me a little slack on this. OK?"

"Get your ass out of here before I get all weepy and maudlin. Just behave yourself at work, that's all I ask. No hanky-panky in the office. Agreed?"

"Agreed. When have I ever engaged in 'hanky-panky' in the office?"

"Let's not get into that. If you can't remember, I'm not going to remind you. Just please, try not to shit where you eat. OK?"

I got up and walked over to the door. Joe followed me. Just before he opened the door, he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Pat, we've been through a lot of shit together, as you reminded me. And we definitely are a team. A pretty goddam decent team. Just remember that one of the reasons I bust your balls is because I care. You may be an asshole, but you're my asshole, and I don't like it when shit happens to you. Even if you cause it yourself, which you usually do."

This was as close as Joe could bring himself to saying "I love you." I understood that, and I was touched.

"I care about you, too, Joe. I won't fuck up."

I went back to my office. There were a few email memos waiting for me, but not as many as I might have expected. There was nothing that I couldn't deal with over the weekend. Next week's shows looked pretty tame. The Queen was leaving this weekend. Parliament would still be in recess for a few more weeks. There were no elections on the immediate horizon. So all I had to worry about was the usual bunch of political hacks and back-benchers trying to get their moment in the sun. It all looked like a piece of cake.

And speaking of cake, I figured it was time to collect Ms. Cake and head for the Green Valley.

I walked down the hall to Shauna's office. I was amazed. There was already a nameplate on the door. It read, "Shauna Cake, producer." And there was the said Ms. Cake hard at work. She was staring at the computer screen. On the screen was my ugly face. She was hard at work on the website. I came up behind her very quietly. I leaned forward and put my arms around her.

To say that Shauna jumped straight up would be no exaggeration. She gasped and looked up at me.

"Pat, you devil! Why would you do that to me? You could have knocked or something. You might have given me a heart attack."

"Darling, you've already given me a heart attack. And it's one that I'm not likely to recover from. Now, I see by the old clock on the wall that's it's about time to make our way to the Green Valley. What do you say? Am I forgiven?"

"Now you're the one asking double-barreled questions. Of course you're forgiven. And in spite of my huge breakfast, I could eat a horse. Well, not literally. I hear that you can actually eat horse here in Ottawa."

"Yeah, you can. It's a French thing. Well not in Ottawa maybe. But I know of at least one restaurant just across the Quebec border that has horse as a specialty. It's actually not bad, you know."

"I don't know, and I'm not going to find out. I'll get my coat, and we'll go the Green Valley for a perfectly respectable meal of predictable provenance."