Chapter 1

"Pat, can't you get it into your head this is a big deal?"

"Janice, I'm sure that you're exaggerating. This is a tempest in a tea pot. You know what happens around here. These things tend to blow over."

"Pat, you're wrong about this one. I know that you're too much of an asshole to ever admit it, but sometimes you're wrong."

I sighed. "What do you want me to do? I don't have time to fuck around right now. I have to be in the studio in twenty minutes."

"Don't you ever read your fucking email? You have a meeting with the internet producer who's been assigned to your website this afternoon at 4:30. You'd better be there. The vice president is going to have my ass if we don't get this shit together. And you've got my word that if Tony kicks my ass I'll have your sorry ass, if it's the last thing I do, you conceited prick!"

Janice Springsteen glared at me. She was a tough little broad. That's how she got to be the head of news and current affairs for CBC TV. And she was my boss, even if I did have the highest rated current affairs programme in Canada. Politicians kiss my ass for a chance to be on the show. Hell, the Minister of Defence's office had called me about the interview this afternoon. Nobody, but nobody else had that kind of access the the halls of power. The fucking CBC needed me more than I needed them.

Conceited? Me? No, just realistic.

On the other hand, the VP had been known to fire people just for the hell of it. I'd known him for nearly thirty years. He'd always been an asshole.

"OK. Like I said, I have a very important date in the studio in about (I checked my watch) fifteen minutes now. Who is this guy?"

"It's not a guy. Why do you chauvinist pigs always assume it's a guy? Her name is Shauna. Shauna something. Let me check. Shauna Cake."

"You gotta be fucking kidding me. Shauna Cake for God's sake?"

"That's the kid's name. You're supposed to meet her at 4:30 in room 2A400. Be there. Now get the fuck out of here."

"OK. Now can I get on with the minor business of the major political telecast to the nation?"

"Fuck you."

"Janice, it's always a pleasure."

I hate makeup. The assholes always make me look orange. I guess I look normal on TV, but I'm actually orange. And it usually ruins whatever shirt I'm wearing. The tax dudes always give us shit about our "costume" allowances. How would they like to wear shirts that were all stained orange around the collar?

I got a touchup from the makeup assholes, and then I did the interview with the Minister of Defence. He was completely clueless, as usual. To make it even worse, I was in Toronto this week. The Minister was in Ottawa. And the monitor in the Ottawa studio was fucked up. Half the time, he couldn't see me. I could see him just fine. He looked like the same idiot he used to be when he was a bag-man for Jim Farroway. Minister of Defence my ass.

Anyway, I made him look a lot better than he deserved. I made it sound like he could really explain the latest round of cuts to the armed forces. That's why all these political assholes want a shot on my show. I give them the best profile possible.

After the broadcast, I pulled a bottle out of my briefcase and had a few shots of Scotch with Joe Dudich, my producer. Joe and I had been together for a long time. He was a good dude and as close to a friend as I had at CBC. I explained to him what was up that afternoon. Joe turned serious on me.

"Pat, this is heavy shit. The brass is convinced that these internet websites are a big fucking deal. They're really leaning on people. They want a boss website for every show, and our show is one of the main ones that they're after. You have to do this thing with Shauna what the fuck ever her name is. For God's sake do a good job."

"Joe, you're full of shit, as usual, but I love you. I'll meet with the cooze and do whatever I have to do, but I'm not going the extra fucking mile, I can tell you."

"Pat, you're a silly stubborn son of a bitch. Don't fuck us all just because you're pissed off or something."

I'd do the fucking thing. But I wasn't going to enjoy it. Nor would anyone else.

At 4:45, I showed up in room 2A400. Just late enough to establish a pecking order. It was one of those typical internet workspaces. Cubicles all over the fucking place. There was a skinny broad sitting at a desk just inside the door. I'd guess that she was in her early twenties, just like all these internet geeks. I asked her where I could find Shauna Cake. She stood up, smiled at me and stuck out her hand. She looked nervous and scared.

"I'm Shauna. Are you Pat Connolly?"

As though she hadn't seen my face on TV at least a thousand times, just like everyone else in Canada. Bullshit. "Yeah. Who the hell did you think I was?"

The kid had was still holding out her hand, and I let her hold it out. She looked really awkward, as I intended. I let her start to withdraw the hand and then grabbed it and shook it vigorously. Now she was completely off balance. She had no idea what to do.

"OK, Shauna. Just so we understand each other, I don't want to be here, and I'm sure that you don't want to see me. But we have to work together on this thing, whatever it is. So let's get with it. What do I have to do?"

Shauna looked as though I'd just run over her kitten. I was afraid she'd start crying. Shit. I wanted to show her that I was in charge, not crush her. Time for another approach. I said more gently, "Do you have any ideas to show me?"

I smiled at her. Fuck, I can smile at anyone, any time. It's my job. I'm the friendliest looking guy on TV.

Now Shauna was totally fucked up. She didn't know if she should shit or go blind. I'd come in acting like an asshole. Now I was behaving decently all of a sudden, so she tried to smile and said, "I have a presentation set up in Hal's office. It's right in there. If you'd like to come with me, we can take a look at it."

I nodded. She led the way into a small crowded office. There was junk all over the place. All kinds of gadgets stacked everywhere. Whoever the absent "Hal" was, he was a pig. The place was a mess. Shauna moved some crap to make room for us to sit down.

While she was trying to clear things off, I took a better look at her. She wasn't so bad looking, just awkward. She was tall and slim. Her face wasn't exactly beautiful, but it was certainly more than OK. Her figure was anything but voluptuous. But it was the way she carried herself that made her look worse than she would otherwise. She was insecurity personified.

I'd made my career out of my ability to read people and take advantage of their foibles. It would be too easy to reduce this insecure kid to a mound of quivering jello. Hell, I was the guy who succesfully fought the fucking prime minister week after week. Like I said, too easy.

If I gave her the sort of shit that I'd planned to, I'd wipe her out entirely. The result would be that we wouldn't get a fucking thing done, and she'd probably be useless for the foreseeable future. That certainly wouldn't accomplish the job that I was ostensibly here for. If we didn't get it done, I'd just have to come back to this shit hole and work with some other geek. I decided to just get it done and get the hell out of here.

"I'll be ready in just a minute. I just have to hook up the subwoofer. It was just delivered today."

A subwoofer? What the fuck? My computer certainly didn't have a subwoofer. And my computer wasn't transparent like this fucking thing. I can't understand that. Who the hell wants to see inside a machine? If it works, that's enough for me. I don't need to see the guts. Subwoofer or not, we should just get on with the fucking show.

But now I was getting another show. When Shauna bent over to hook the thing up, her ass was practically in my face. The view was pretty good. The jeans stretched tightly over her cheeks, and I could see the Great Divide -- her pussy lips outlined by the crotch of her pants. I felt Herman stirring in my pants. An idea was taking place. Maybe I could have my Cake and eat it too, if you catch my drift. Why not use this opportunity to get myself some geek pussy?

Shauna stood up, got the computer going, and fucked with it for a few minutes. "Sorry, my demo is on our server, and it'll take just a moment to load it. OK. Here it is." She clicked the mouse and then sat down beside me. "It begins with a splash screen."

The "splash screen" looked just like the opening of our show, complete with the animated title "Pat Connolly on National Affairs" and the theme music. Then the camera panned onto my ugly face.

"This is where I thought we could have you giving us an introduction to the website." She leaned forward and clicked the mouse again. "And on this page, we'll have clips from the most recent shows. There are a couple of examples here already." She clicked and one of my interviews started playing. "And we'll always have the information on upcoming shows on this next page..."

Shauna went on for a while, showing off her work. I have to admit that it looked pretty good.

And so did she, the more I looked at her. As I said, she was fairly tall. Maybe 5'7". She had reddish-blonde hair pulled into a pony tail. The hair could probably look great with a little work. Her face was attractive. Her best features were that great ass, her creamy complexion and her light blue eyes. It was hard to tell for sure what was under the heavy sweatshirt she was wearing, but it looked as though she'd been a bit short-changed in the tit department. I had a friend in university who maintained that you should never fuck anything that had smaller tits than yours. But I've always been more of an ass man, myself. What the hell? She looked like she'd be an OK fuck. Might as well go for it.