Part 1

Chapter 1: Alyssa

Unexpectedly, I felt the other side of the bed move. Martin was finally coming to bed. I resisted the urge to turn around and look at him. After the fight we had earlier, I expected him to sleep in the guest room or something. Even though I was still mad at Martin, I was glad he finally came back to bed. I turned to look at my husband. His back was turned to me.

"Martin, I love you."

He didn't reply. He just grunted. Well at least that was better than nothing. I turned back around and found myself with tears filling my eyes. I refused to let them fall. I wanted to stop crying over Martin. Everything was always my fault and I always ended up feeling less than a woman. I turned back around.

"Martin I said I love you!"

Still no reply from him.

"Please just tell me something. Tell me you hate me if you want just say something!" I screamed at him.

He turned to me. "You should really be quiet. You might wake up Tiffini. There I said something. You happy?" Martin looked at me coldly and turned back over.

I took my pillow and threw it at him. "Fine, I hate your ass too!" I yelled. I trudged out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I went down the stairs into the kitchen. I sat at the kitchen table and cried. Martin was being cruel to me for no reason. All because I spent two thousand dollars on some Victoria Secret stuff, a Versace dress, and three pairs of shoes. I wanted the best, so what.

That wasn't the first fight we had over the past few months. It was always over small things too. I was tired of it. I was always questioning myself on how good of wife I was really being. I always felt that I didn't fulfill his needs, didn't make him feel like a man, or didn't make him feel loved. I wasn't sorry for trying to be independent and not always relying on Martin. I had needs to. I was thinking about my future. If I always relied on Martin, what would Tiffini and I become of if he left. I always wanted to have a back-up plan. Maybe that's why I used to feel like married life wasn't for me.

Pretty soon, one cup of coffee turned into three, and those three cups turned into hard liquor. Before I knew it, sunlight was peeking through my windows. That had just plain crept up on me! I didn't even realize I was thinking about my marriage that hard.

"Time sure has a funny way of changing people," I murmured. I was heading to the guest house to finally get some sleep and my mind off Martin.

Chapter 2: Carmin

I just made it to my office at the Social Worker's building. The phone was already lighting up. "Damn! Can't get no moments of peace around this got damn place," I yelled. I walked up to my phone and answered. "This is Carmin, how may I help you?"

"Hey girl," Alyssa moaned into the phone.

"Hi, Alyssa. May I call you right back? Or is it just really important?"

"Carmin, what's wrong with me? Am I a bad person?"

I was baffled at her question. Where was this all coming from? "Lyssa, come on! You're the best person I know. Extravagant at times, but the best I know."

"I know but why doesn't Martin feel that way? He just seems like he doesn't love me anymore. It just hurts." Just before Alyssa can start a new sentence, my assistant came in. I wanted to yell to the heaven's that I didn't have to go through this right now. especially since my own marriage was on the rocks. I motioned for Jamiee to hold on for just a second.

"Lyssa, you know I love you right? Well I have a job I need to get to, so I'll call you later. Maybe we can go out for drinks." I hung up. "So Jaimee, what is it that you want?"

"Well, Mrs. Valeire, you have a new case. It's two girls this time. One's sixteen and one is ten. Their mother left them in the house by themselves and she moved away. The girls haven't spoken to their mother in two weeks. We found them when the sixteen year old finally called the police." Jaimee handed me some papers about the case. "They will need to be placed immediately."

I sighed. Knowing that hardly anyone wanted older children, they all wanted the cuddly babies and toddlers. "Do they have any family?"

"No they don't. If they do, we can't contact them. They said it was only them and their mother."

Great! Another mishap. Family was always the first option. Plus it meant less work on me if they stayed with family. "Thank you Jaimee. You can go now." Once she was gone I let out some pitiful cries. At first, I thought I could better myself with working with crumbling families. Then when my family started screwing up, it was only more drama. Alyssa wasn't the only one with a bad marriage. Not that me and my husband, Jamel, have been fighting or anything. It's just that he seems like he has somewhere else he'd rather be. Distracted, detached, all that good stuff. Even when we're making love, it just doesn't seems the same.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just all in my head. Maybe there's nothing really wrong. This has me thinking about that Tamia song, There's a stranger in my house. Out of my head I started singing the words to the song:

"I don't understand
You look just like the man
In the picture by our bed
The suspense is pounding and clouding up my head
I'm checkin' your clothes
And you wear the same size shoe
You sleep in his spot
And you're driving his car
But I don't know just who you are
There's a stranger in my house
It took a while to figure out
There's no way you could be who you say you are
You gotta be someone else
Cuz he wouldn't touch me like that
And he wouldn't treat me like you do
He would adore me, he wouldn't ignore me
So I'm convinced there's a stranger in my house. I'm not sure who you are
Don't see your shadow around when you walk
Ain't leavin' no kisses
Goodbye with no words
If these walls could talk
They would have nothing to tell. So what could it be?
Is there someone imitating me?
Could she be taking my place?
Look me in the face
And tell me that I'm wrong
When I say..."

My sad song was interrupted by a knocking on my door. I looked in my mirror and saw that I had shedded tears and that my eyes were puffy. "Coming," my voice croaked out. The person didn't wait for me to come, they just walked in. It was Alyssa. I slightly smiled. Always impatient.

"Hey girl... couldn't wait for you to call back so I decided to drop by... What's wrong with you?" She asked looking me in the face.

Should I tell her my thoughts or keep them to myself? Some things you don't even tell your best friend. I smiled through my blurry vision. "Nothing. I'm fine, really."

Chapter 3: Alyssa

Carmin and I are now in our favorite hang-out, Papi's. We come her at least four times a week. To talk, gossip, eat, have drinks, whatever else we want to do. I just feel something is wrong with Carmin. I know she kept telling me everything is fine but I just don't know. I took a sip of my strong Gin and Tonic with lime.

"So chick, what have you been up to?" I asked.

Carmin flipped her long honey brown hair. "Girl, work, work, and more damn work. Okay?" We both laughed and hand-fived each other.

"How are you and Jamel?" I could have sworn I saw her face fall just a little bit. It was over so quick, that I wasn't so sure.

"Same ole', same ole'. We keep trying for a baby but nothing is working yet."

I grabbed her hand. "You'll get one soon, just keep trying and have fun while doing it!" I laughed.

After she cracked a weak smile, a guy came up to our table. He was cute. Lickable almost. About 6'4, 220, brown skin, black hair in braids. "Excuse me Miss but I just had to tell you, you are very beautiful. You should be told that more often." I looked at Carmin in disbelief as she smiled and twirled pieces of her hair.

If she wasn't going to speak up, I was. "Sorry but she's married," I said pointing to her wedding ring. I know I may have sounded bitchy but hey, I was doing the right thing. As soon as he heard married he scampered off like a wounded puppy.

Carmin flashed me an evil glare. "Thanks alot!"

"Carmin, you are married, why would you want him?"

Carmin stared me down and then laughed. "Oh I see what this is. You're jealous because he likes me and not you."

I stared at her in disbelief. Go figure! I wanted to yank her hair out. I'll admit it myself Carmin is all that and some. She's about 5'2, 146 pounds, all hips, booty, and thighs, her hair is golden brown and reaches to her but, her eyes are bubble shaped and brown. She also is Puerto Rican and has the most pouty lips you've ever seen. Yea, she is what guys call a dime piece.

Don't get me wrong. I'm beautiful too. 5'5, 150, big booty, slim waist. On a scale from 1 to 10, I was a nine.

"What the fuck ever!" I laughed. I could feel the tension slipping away. Good!, I thought. It's not welcome here.

She laughed too. "I was just teasing," Carmin said. I knew it was a lie though. She was always making slick comments like that. Sometimes they really hurt me, but she would never know.

"So, Alyssa. How are things with you and Martin? You never finished telling me."

"Well he always snaps at me, for no reason. We fight about little things and can't even agree on what we're having for dinner. I think it's affecting Tiffini too. I always feel like I'm not good enough for Martin. Even though, I'm a lawyer, he makes me feel so useless. You know?" I looked at Carmin, while I twirled me finger over the rim of my glass.

"Yeah, I know how you feel. Give Martin some space. He'll come around."

"I'm not so sure this time Carmin. We have really changed ever since Tiffini was born. Forgive me for saying this but sometimes I think we would have been better off without Tiffini."

Carmin slapped my cheek. "Don't ever say that again, Alyssa! Don't even think it! At least you have a kid while so many people want one! You know what?" I'm due back at the office."

Before you can say run, she was gone. I cursed my own self for saying that stupid shit, in the back of my mind though, that shit was true.

Chapter 4: Carmin

I hated hitting Alyssa like that and then just bouncing. It's just some of the slick shit that comes out of her mouth can be so ignorant. Being a social worker, I feel I have a special bond with kids and that no parent should down their child. Even if Alyssa didn't realize it, she was doing her own kid. That just wasn't like Alyssa at all, We've been knowing each other since middle school. How we became friends is kind of funny so, I'll just take it slow...

It was my first day at the new middle school, I just knew I was the shit. I was rich, popular, and most of all gorgeous! I also had a boyfriend. I was one of the first of my friends to have a boyfriend. I was unconquered, if you wanted to beef with me, you'd have to pay the price. That was until I met Alyssa...

She was sitting by herself all day. Not talking to anyone, just staring, probably wishing she could be part of the "in crowd". As if! you could tell she was strange, by the way she peered over her glasses and wrapped her arms around herself. She hit my radar and I went in for the kill.

"Look at the scary little girl sitting all alone. Bet she's a loser, " I said to my friends but loud enough for Alyssa to hear. I saw her popping her knuckles but I decided to test her some more. "She has weird written all over her, what planet is she from? Mars?!" A crowd formed around me and they were laughing at my jokes about Alyssa.

"Leave me alone," came a shaky voice. It was Alyssa.

I looked her up and down as if to say, am I supposed to be scared? "What the hell did you just say?" I asked walking up to her. When I got close enough to her, I pushed my index finger into her forehead. She grabbed my hand so fast and twisted it around my back. I winced from the pain.

"I said leave me alone!" Alyssa said a little louder.

Even though she was hurting me, I still tested her. "Bitch, you best get your got damn hands off of me, that's what your ass better do!"

The first blow to my face, I didn't even see coming. She got me right in my eye. she then came fierce and faster than ever. The punches and kicks I threw never even touched her. When she was done beating my ass like I stole something, she ran off crying. Why? I didn't know until years later.

I came to school the next day black and blue. All my friends dissed me to my face and teased me. They said I wasn't so fierce after all. I was all alone. It was only my second day of middle school! I noticed once again, Alyssa sitting by herself. I went to her table and sat down.

"Um, hey." I said meekly, like I was shy.

"Hey, what do you want? Came for round two? I'll get it over with right quick."

"No. I just want to apologize for yesterday. I was wrong. I deserved to get my ass beat."

She looked at me like she felt something was up. "Well... I'm sorry too, I guess." she looked up at me and noticed she was really pretty, with big hazel eyes.

"Take off your glasses," I told her.

She giggled. "You don't even know my name."

"Well why don't you tell me?"

"Alyssa."

"Carmin. Now take off your glasses."

Alyssa flashed me a look and took off her glasses. I dug in my purse and dug out brushes, combs, and scrunchies. I walked over to her and put her hair out of her face in a ponytail. That day we spent the rest of the time just talking and getting to know each other better. That was the beginning of a long term friend ship.

That's how we started. Over the years she taught me so much on how to be a good person. She even told me why she ran off crying after beating my ass...

We were about fifteen years old. We were in my bedroom, giving each other make-overs. We had just asked my mom could she stay the night. Of course she said yes, my parents had basically adopted her.

"Why don't you ever invite me to your house to stay the night?" I asked out of the blue, while applying some blush to Alyssa's cheeks.

Alyssa turned away her face. "I promised... t-that I w-wouldn't tell anybody."

"Alyssa you're my best friend. Best-friends are supposed to tell each other their secrets. Every single one!" I complained. For a whole thirty-minutes she wouldn't tell me anything. With enough badgering, I finally got it out of her.

"My dad beats my mom! There are you happy now?! Huh!" She turned and tried to run out the door.

I grabbed her shoulder. "Lyssa I didn't know. I'm sorry." We stood there in silence for what seemed like forever. We had opened the flood gates that we wee supposed to dam up. Now we were drowning in reality.

"Well now you know. Since Miss Carmin wants to know everything." Alyssa said in a cool even hiss.

I looked her in the face. "You have to tell somebody, Father's aren't supposed to hit Mother's. It's that simple."

"I don't have to tell anybody shit! Stay out of my life!" Alyssa walked out of the door and my life for a month. I had to suffer at what I had made her say, what I'd made her do. When we finally started talking again, she told me she didn't like fighting. That every time she hit, she could picture her father hitting her mother. That's why she ran off crying that day. I learned from that day on not to ask what didn't want to be told.

As you could see Alyssa and I aren't just friends, we're family. Through thick and thin. I wasn't gonna give up on her because she had made one slip up. Maybe it was the alcohol talking and it wasn't her. I just knew I didn't want to hear that again and if I did, it would be my turn to beat Alyssa's ass.

Chapter 5: Alyssa

I had dropped Tiffini off to my mother's house. Tonight Martin and I would have the night to ourselves. I had made Martin's favorite dinner: catfish, pasta, and red wine. Tonight was our night.

I even dressed in Martin's favorite teddy for me. I heard his car pulling up, so I ran to the door. Martin came in minutes later, looking irritated. I threw my arms around him and tried to kiss him.

Martin pulled me off. "Get me a shot of Hennessey and I'll call it a night."

"What about the diner I planned for us? I want to make love tonight, we haven't did it in a month. I brought Tiffini to my mother's. Please? Do it for me!"

"Right now, I don't give a damn, Alyssa. Just get me a damn drink!"

"Look, I don't know who the hell you think you are but you're not going to speak to me like that. I'm your wife not your got damn child! You hear me?!" I said wagging my finger in his face.

"Fine, I'll get the drink my got damn self." Martin walked around me and went to the bar. After he got his drink, he started walking off. "I'll be in the guest house." Martin called back.

As soon as he was gone, I took all the food and threw it in the trash. "So much for our wonderful evening," I said aloud. What was I doing wrong? Didn't he love me anymore?

I went up the stairs to get my suit for tomorrow. As I was going up the stairs, I decided to put some clothes to wash. As I put in Martin's underwear, I noticed blood stains in one of the pairs. I inspected it but then just threw it in the washer. No need to take it any further, it was probably nothing. After putting the clothes in the wash and laying out my suit, I went to sleep alone. I was used to it by now. I was used to being alone. I didn't want to be used to it.

I wanted a real marriage, a fairy tale marriage. One like Cinderella. Good things never happened to me though things never worked out. This made me feel as helpless as that night when I was twelve years old...

I was by my room door crying. I could hear my parents arguing and my dad breaking things. My mother was pleading with him to stop for the sake of me. I snuck out of my room and went to my parents bedroom door. I saw my dad back-hand my mother and she fell to the floor.

"Mommy," I called out as I ran to her.

" Alyssa, go back to your room," my mother pleaded with me. Pure fear was in her brown eyes. "Mommy's okay. Just go back to your room."

"No, Daddy is going to hurt you. Mommy please," big tears were sliding down my face. I was scared for her.

"You heard your mother girl! Get to your got damn room!" With that he grabbed my hair and basically threw me out the room. I hit the wall... Hard. As I cried I could hear my father beating my mother and her pleas for him to stop. That's when I knew my life would be different... I wasn't "normal" and I was just a helpless little mouse all alone.

I found myself shaking and shivering. I didn't want to be helpless anymore. Tomorrow Martin and I would have a long talk. Not just me talking, but Martin and I talking... Together. I wanted to get this marriage back on track.

Chapter 6: Carmin

I rolled over off of Jamel. We had just finished making love. I was surprised at how much passion he put in to making love. Lately Jamel had been making me feel something was wrong. Tonight showed me different. I was amazed as soon as I walk through the door...

I just come back from a hard day at work. I didn't get the kids placed in a home today. No matter how many homes I called or searched for. I was in a bad mood and was ready to drown myself in a bottle of Vodka and pop some Advil. I walked into the house to find the lights dimmed and candlelight everywhere. My eyes had widened in amazement. That man is too much!, I thought while putting down my purse and taking off my jacket. "Jamel, Honey, where are you?" I called out. I started to walk up the stairs and felt hands wrap around my waist. Jamel lightly placed kisses over my neck making me moan erotically. "Mmmmmm, that feels so good. Mmmmmm. You know that gets me hot."

I turned around and kissed Jamel fully on the lips, I let myself fall fully into his embrace. It felt so good and so right. Jamel hadn't treat me like that in a long time.

"Come to the dining room. I prepared dinner. Your favorite: Angel hair pasta, grilled chicken, to set it off, your favorite Champagne. I made it all myself. I did as I was told.

I was amazed at how he had prepared the dining room. Just us two. The trails of soft jazz music followed Jamel in the room. Jamel kissed me once more before serving my plate and his. We ate in silence. We played footsie, something I hadn't done in a long time. Made me feel like a giddy teenager with her first love.

After dinner, Jamel led me to a milk bath with rose petals that he had in our sunken bathtub. Candles were the only light in the room. Jamel took his time undressing me, letting his hands roam over my body. Places kisses everywhere on my body. He didn't miss a piece of skin. Tears of appreciation rolled down my face and Jamel kissed them away. He led me in the bath slowly, he then undress and entered behind me. He washed my body slow and easy. Rubbing my inner thighs ever so gently, making me gasp. He then inserted a finger in my moist pussy and started fingering me in round motions. I came hard.

I turned to face my sweet husband. "I want to please you the same way you are pleasing me," I said while putting my hand around his hard on. He picked me up out of the tub and carried me to our room like I was a bride he was carrying over the threshold. He lay me down and licked my dry. When we he came to my pussy, he started eating me out like he had found an all you can eat buffet of soul food. He licked me good, never stopping, even when I came three times. "Let me please you," I whispered.

I got up and took Jamel fully in my mouth. He held my head down as I deep-throated him. I was feeling like this was so real. No music, not like in the movies, but just real life. As he came, I took him out of my mouth and let him bust all over my chest. I watched him get aroused as I let him watch me rub the nut into my breast. He came over kissing me hard while holding my ass. He knew how I liked sex. Nice, fast, and rough. He lay me down and entered me. I grasp out loud as I had forgotten what his dick felt like. He did things to me that I was sure going to give me back problems in the morning. Once I took control, it was all over. I rode the dick like a pro, and rode it till he started screaming like a girl. I was just that good.

That's how we got to this point now. I quickly showered. I wanted to talk to Jamel now. Of course the sex was all fine and dandy. I wanted to talk to Jamel though. Ask him why was he avoiding me before. Get some answers.

"Jamel, honey, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"No not right now. I'm tired as hell."

"Not even for me? Your wife? Your friend?" I asked putting the guilt trip on him. He sighed letting me know that I had won.

"Carmin what is it now? You want to blow more money on other Hummers in various colors. Money don't grow on trees you know."

I walked in the bedroom to face him. "Of course I know that!" I snapped. "It's not like it was your money! It was mine. I work day in and day out, only one off day and that's Sunday. If I want to blow my money on a fucking Hummer, I damn well can! Believe that shit!"

"Bitch, don't tell me about working hard. I slave day in and out. So we can live in this damn big ass house that you wanted, so Miss Carmin can go to the spa and get the works every two weeks. So she can afford all the fancy shit in her Hummer, so she can get designer clothes, so she can go on shopping sprees whenever she fucking wants. That's what I fucking do. So you believe that shit, Bitch.

"My hand flew across his cheek so fast. "That is the last time you call me out of my fucking name! Is that fucking clear to you?" I kept poking my finger to his forehead. Out of no where, he shoved me and I hit the dresser. I felt pain in my head from hitting it hard on the edge of the dresser, pain in my back, and a pain in my heart.

Jamel looked around like he couldn't believe what he had done and left the room. I was alone in the room. I felt so lonely. I let tear after tear fall until I couldn't cry anymore. This went way deeper than anything I could imagine. I couldn't believe that bastard had the nerve to put his hands on me. I kept thinking about it about until I found more tears. Tears of hurt. Shame. Disappointment. Jamel had hurt me with more than just words this time. He had hurt me in a way I never believed I could be hurt. I wanted to cause him pain so badly that I could feel it running through my veins.

I went downstairs to find Jamel. He was sitting at the kitchen bar with empty bottles of Jack Daniels covering the counter. He looked like he had lost his best friend. All the hate and rage I had for Jamel instantly left. "Jamel," I whispered softly.

Jamel looked at me and shook his head. "Carmin, I am so sorry. I don't even know what got into me. It's ju- nothing I'm sorry." Jamel said and went back to his drink.

I went over to him and rubbed his face gently. "It's okay really. I was more shocked than hurt. You just have to promise me, it will never happen again." I said looking in his big drown eyes.

"Carmin. It won't, never again. Never again. Never again. Never again. Never again..."

"Jamel stop you're scaring me!" "Never again, never again, never again." His eyes were misty up and tears fell down his face.

"Jamel what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Carmin would you hold me? Just this once?" I held Jamel close. I couldn't imagine what was wrong.

"Baby just tell me what's wrong!"

Jamel's body shook and he covered his face as he cried. "never again, never again, never again.

I held on to Jamel. Tears were welling up in my own eyes. I felt so sorry for him and I felt so helpless. I couldn't help him. I didn't know what was wrong with him. "Just tell me what's wrong and I'll fix. Just tell me!' I pleaded as I cried with him.

We held each other for so long and so tight. This went beyond our problems. This was something I couldn't even touch.

Chapter 7: Alyssa

"Well Carmin, I just don't know what to say, I mean that is a little strange," I told Carmin into the phone as I filed some papers in a cabinet.

"Well, you can't even suggest anything? I mean, you can't help me out?" Carmin sounded so desperate and I wanted to help.

"Well maybe it's some ghost from the past. I mean what do you really know about his life before you met him?"

Well... nothing really. All I know is that he has 12 brothers and sisters. That doesn't really matter though."

"Exactly, ya'll need to talk. Learn about each other's past. I mean sex is all that and some but that's not what a marriage is about. It's about communication... Never mind." I didn't need to tell her anything about communication and my husband and I couldn't even do it.

"Yeah maybe. Hey I finally found a place for those kids to live for a little while." That was Carmin's way of ending a discussion... changing the subject. She always did that, when we were getting to deep in each other's lives.

"Well, I have to go. But I love you Carmin and keep your head up. You heard?"

"Yes, I heard. Love you too." The next thing I heard was a dial tone. I hated when she hung up in my face without saying good-bye. There were things that I loved about Carmin. There were also so many things that I hated about Carmin. The biggest thing was that she had Jamel and I didn't. I know that sounds harsh but just hear me out for a moment. Maybe you can feel me...

Carmin and I had gone our separate ways for college. She was going to NYU and I was staying in Cali and going to UCLA. Carmin met Jamel first, in her fourth year of college. He was going to NYU. Every other big holiday or break they would both come up to Cali to spend time with me.

As soon as me and Jamel saw each other, we were instantly attracted to each other. It went from staring at each other a little to long when Carmin wasn't looking, to flirting and kissing when she was gone, to full-fledged sex. Jamel was the first person I ever gave my body to. On breaks and holidays, we did that on the regular. I ended up getting hurt. He was fucking me and telling me how much he cared and loved me but he was with me on the low. Carmin was the one he went back to. He went to college with. I was just the other woman.

At first it was hard to do that to Carmin, then little by little it became easier. Carmin always had treated me like her sidekick but I was cool with it. Till Jamel came in the picture. He told me he wanted to marry me. That was until Carmin got pregnant. He got engaged to her. I cut off almost all relations with him. We were still friends but no more beating around the bush on Carmin. They were going to be a family and I didn't want to mess that up. Carmin had a miscarriage and Jamel still stayed with her. Parts of me was hoping that he would leave her and come back to me.

When I saw that wasn't going to happen, so I moved on. I met Martin. He treated me like a man should. I didn't have to be the other woman anymore. I was Martin's one and only. I was happy. He was happy. We were happy together. In my mind though I still wondered what Jamel and me could have had. I always wondered if Carmin wouldn't have gotten pregnant, would we be together?