Copyright© 2004

from RPSuch

I'm Carol Newsome née Crawford. To give you some of my background, I'll take you back to my high school days. I was always very competitive and always the top one or two scholastically throughout. Sports were another thing. I played some individual sports such as tennis and, while I was adequate, I did not always win. Since I was so competitive, I found that I could cheat and play head games with my opponents. Many were more athletically gifted than myself but I found myself winning under such conditions. You might say that was my introduction to manipulating my peers although I had been able to do that to my parents to get my way throughout my childhood. My parents were upper middle-class and I had two brothers. I learned early in life how to divide and conquer to get anything I wanted from all of them.

After high school, not wanting the stress of trying to gain a university degree, I attended college taking courses to become a paralegal. I was in residence and roomed with Nicole who became my best friend. Nicole was taking courses in Marketing and was also quite intelligent. As a pair, we had little problems in drawing male attention on campus since we were both attractive with great figures. We seldom spent weekends alone without male companionship. We had both had some semi-permanent relationships by the time we were in our final year.

I accepted most of the feminist dogma at this time. Scholastically, I had outstripped all of my male peers during my years in school. I believed in the mantra that if you wanted a job done well, find a woman to do it. This also carried over into my personal life in that I wanted full control of any heterosexual relationship. I recognized that I could not be overly blatant in this regard while trying to attract a mate. I confess that I had 5 sexual relationships spanning the years of high school and college. I did not consider myself to be promiscuous, since in each case, I was exploring the possibility that one of these partners could be my permanent life-mate and I had no bisexual tendencies. I had finally determined that my current man-friend had exhausted his potential and I was going to ditch him on the night that the two of us went to a campus party. That was the night I met Simon.

Simon was with a girl who was an acquaintance of mine from school. It appeared that they were not getting along too well. Somehow, Simon and I began talking while (surprisingly) our dates seemed to hit it off with each other and wandered off to another room leaving us alone. Both Simon and I later found out that our respective partners had also been contemplating breaking off with each of us -- my ex was fed up with my manipulative ways since I had always called all the shots in my relationships. Simon's partner was unhappy with his total morality and honesty. She wanted more of a swinging and partying lifestyle. She was also into recreational drugs which Simon objected to.

Simon and I were quite attracted to each other -- there were sparks flying between us on that first evening. Simon was extremely bright and very interesting to talk to He asked me for a date for the following week and I immediately accepted. We later did the decent thing -- left the party with our dates. I gave my date the "Dear John" news in the car as he drove me home. He was not upset with my words and we promised and did remain close friends.

Simon and I became inseparable as a couple. I must admit that I pursued him until I caught him. He appeared to appreciate all the attention I lavished on him. I had always been a flashy (versus trashy) dresser and I outdid myself whenever I was meeting him. Even after we married, I carried on with this type of attire, my ego being reassured by how I was able to attract the attention of other men.

I suppressed, to a major extent, my competitive feminist ways during our courtship. I loved the fact that Simon was a man completely at peace with himself. He was very mature and lived by a strict moral code in keeping with that maturity. While not overly handsome, he was very attractive and a good dresser -- his clothes were cut to show off an extremely well toned physique. He kept fit by working out 2 - 3 times a week and his weight never varied by more than a couple of pounds in all the time that I was with him. I had never met a man whose word was his bond and knew that he would always tell me the truth. When we both realized that we were on the road to matrimony, we had sex together. Only it wasn't just sex -- he was an extremely accomplished lover and teased me and pleased me and satisfied me better than any of my former lovers. If the East German judge had been awarding marks, he would have received a seven on the scale of 0 to 6. I fell completely in love with him. We wed just over a year after our meeting at the party.

At the time of our wedding, I was 24 while Simon was 29. I had started working for a firm of 30 lawyers while Simon was employed by a medium sized software company that he had joined after receiving his university degree in computer engineering. We were both extremely well paid. We bought a house and settled into the typical DINK (double income no kids) life style although we had both agreed that we did want children at a future date. Simon was the most easy-going individual that I had ever met. In the first years, we were able to travel to many places in Europe and even took a trip to the Orient. We were theatergoers and attended many other cultural events in our city. Of course, I did the research and made the reservations for all our outings since Simon was so easy to please. Quite often, I attended sporting events with him since he was a rabid fan and, by being supportive of his interests, I gained a great deal of pleasure in just sharing these outings with my husband.

Simon handled our joint finances. Our paychecks were deposited directly into each of our personal savings accounts by our companies. Afterwards, we would transfer money from our individual accounts less each of our living allowances into a joint account. Over those first years, as we each received pay increases, we would transfer these additional monies into this joint account. Simon would use this account for investment or to pay for large purchases for us. Through my performance in the office I received a promotion and a 25% raise. I told Simon that the increase was only 10% and left the other 15% to accumulate in my personal account as 'mad' money. I really don't know why I did this but, thinking back, I now recognize that I was prepared to use money to help me manipulate our marriage.

As I said, Simon was totally easy going and acceded to most of my requests. I thought that I was the person in control of our marriage but Simon would fight tooth and nail if he felt that I was going too far in my demands. There were several cases in point. The first one was the purchase of our house. I wanted to live in a new subdivision while Simon wanted to live in a more stately, built-up area of the city. He reasoned with me about his choice telling me that the grounds were already landscaped and the house did not need any additional work to make it into our home. He also considered that, as a long term investment, the older house would appreciate at a greater rate because of its location. There would be less sweat equity involved and we would have more time to pursue our other interests together His logic finally convinced me, not without some histrionics on my part, and we purchased and moved into his choice of houses. I must say that he was right and I never regretted giving in to him in this regard. This was probably the only major purchase that we made where I let myself be swayed

I wanted a green love seat which I thought would set off the decor of the living room. Simon objected saying that lime green had no business being inside a house -- he hated the color - wouldn't the same love seat in some other color do? When I needed a new car, I wanted an Explorer. Simon, while not a tree-hugger, was environmentally aware and was against buying such a large gas-hog that we, as a couple, did not need. I refused him sexually over these and other petty disagreements until I eventually got my way. I may have won those various battles but it was the start of my losing the war. Simon seldom sat in the living room after we bought the green love seat. When of necessity he was in there, he would sit in a position so as not to directly see the love seat. To the best of my knowledge, he never sat in it. With my SUV, he would not drive it nor ride as a passenger. Whenever we went out as a couple, we would use his hybrid fuel-efficient Honda. Of course, the expense of driving the more maintenance prone and thirsty vehicle came out of my personal allowance. After 6 months of driving the SUV, I was ready to throw in the towel because of the expense but I was not prepared to give him the satisfaction of admitting he was right. It was the same with other things that I coerced him into buying over his reasoned arguments. His silent disapproval of the way I kept manipulating him was apparent at every turn.

One particular major argument came over my wanting some expensive sexy lingerie. He argued that he could not afford it out of his personal allowance and it would be necessary to tap into our joint account which he was not inclined to do. I suggested that he pay for it by padding his expense account since he traveled to a certain degree in his job. He went ballistic and started shouting so loudly that I thought that the neighbors would hear. "That would be stealing. You want me to do something that is completely against my principles. I will not violate those beliefs to keep you happy. I'll tell you how you can afford it. Divorce me and with the settlement, you'll have adequate funds to do whatever you want and I won't have to listen to your continuous goading and pushing to get more of the nonessentials that you seem to want in life."

I was completely surprised how quickly things had escalated over such a simple request and my response as to how he could afford it. Of course I could have bought the lingerie using some of my own 'mad' money but I was unwilling to do so. After all, wouldn't I be buying such things for his vicarious pleasure? I had to defuse the situation quickly. I stripped off my blouse and my bra and told him that I didn't need lingerie and was going to burn my bra and not wear anything under my clothes. He tried to grab for my bra but I held it out of his reach. He chased me around the house and finally caught me in the bedroom. By that time, we were both laughing so hard that all anger was gone and we went to bed to make up.

When I thought about this argument, it had never occurred to me, nor had I considered, that he had limits that could not be exceeded. I was now aware that I had made an error in judgment in pushing Simon as hard as I had in something which conflicted with his principles. I realized during this argument that asking Simon to go against his ethical morality was a fight that I could never win. It would be better for my future demands if I backed down as quickly and completely as I could before I hit that point. I was totally surprised by Simon's anger since the situation had escalated so quickly. He had leapt from being cajoled to threatening to divorce me. His response to my suggestion seemed to be completely out of proportion. Possibly he did not intend to threaten to leave me but there was no way of ever knowing without me pushing him past his limits. I was not prepared to test his resolve in that regard. His reaction did not seem logical since he was normally very reasoned in his responses to my demands. The only thing that came out of this spat was that I better understood the ground rules for future confrontations. I had learned that I could not go against his personal integrity in attempting to win the war. Such clashes were infrequent and paled in importance to the good times that we had together and I was still deeply in love with him.

We had been married for almost 5 years when Simon told me that the company where he worked was in major financial difficulties. He knew that he was in danger of losing his job through staff cutbacks. He had contacted a headhunter and had been offered a job in his field which, although offering higher pay, would entail a great deal of travel. It was really a job for a single person but no other applicant had Simon's expertise or experience for such a relatively responsible position. We discussed it and decided that, although it was barely possible to live on my salary, it would be better that he accept the position. We felt that we could withstand the high degree of separation for a couple of years while we kept building up our nest egg. In the meantime he would keep his résumé current. Of course, this all occurred during a major downturn in the computer industry and no other jobs materialized.

After a couple of months in this job, I could tell that Simon was very lonely when he was away from me on the road. I would enclose things in his suitcase to try to cheer him up and let him know that I was thinking of him and missed him. We talked on the phone almost nightly but it was no substitute for face to face contact. While he was home most weekends and occasionally had conferences in the office about one week in six, we tried to keep our romance up to par. Both of us recognized that we had agreed as a couple to the long distance relationship caused by his job but I could tell that the time we spent apart was wearing him down. Once, when he was in Chicago for an extended stay, I arranged for one of my friends and former classmates and her husband to join him for dinner. He was very happy with their company for the evening and showed his appreciation for my thoughtfulness when he returned home in a most delightful manner which also pleased me to the utmost.

For my part, I had a circle of friends that I could call on if I felt lonely. I spent quite a bit of time with my best friend who was still single. Nicole spent some of her time traveling for her company and told me of the loneliness of her life on the road. She further added that sometimes it was too much for her and she would allow some man to pick her up and, if necessary, have sex with her just for the human contact that she craved. I knew that she wasn't promiscuous but dealt with her own loneliness in that particular manner. While she and I were the same age, she still hadn't found anybody who she considered acceptable for a more permanent relationship. Because she was not quite sober one evening, she told me she envied me since, although Simon traveled a lot, he always came home to me for sex and he had always assured me that he was faithful to me. Nicole believed him as did I. She also confessed that since I had told her how good a lover Simon was, she would love the chance to put her shoes under his bed for at least one night. I filed that fact away in my memory for future reference.

One weekend, after steamy sex, I revealed my secret sexual fantasy to Simon. I would like to have a sexual encounter with another man while Simon watched. It could even become a threesome if he were so inclined. I could feel his whole body stiffen as he rejected the idea and he said, "When we married, we both pledged before witnesses and before God to forsake all others. We agreed to commit ourselves to each other for the rest of our lives. Are you asking my permission to fulfill your fantasy? If so, you can do that with your next husband." I knew then that I had already gone too far and had to back down quickly before things escalated out of my control. I made light of it in telling him that some of the women at work had entertained that thought and some had even gotten into this lifestyle. I told him that I only wanted to know what his reaction might be. He was slightly mollified by my change in tactics but appeared slightly suspicious as to why I had ever brought the subject up.

When I asked him about his own particular fantasy, he indicated that it would be to have two women, including me, in the same bed one night. But, he commented that it would never happen and he would never put himself in a position of doing something of that nature because it was against his beliefs. I never told him that I could have satisfied his fantasy if he had shown any interest. Because of his strong position while discussing our fantasies, I told him that if he ever did cheat on me, I might leave him or at the very least get my own revenge for his infidelity. He assured me that I would never have any concerns in that regard.

A group of people from the firm met for drinks after work about once a week. If Simon had been home during the week, I wouldn't have gone out with them, but I had time to kill and the group rehashed some of the cases that were current. I looked at these meetings as furthering my own legal education.

My firm had recently hired a new lawyer. Frank was a handsome single man who turned women's heads whenever he walked through the office. He flirted with me and made me feel attractive and was always there at the bar with the group. In retrospect, my flashy way of dressing and responsiveness to his flirting must have indicated to him that I was fair game. He catered to me and gave me a great deal of attention while trying to win my favors even though I turned him down every time he suggested that we get together in private. He made me feel special and it was very exciting to be pursued. It made me recall some of the fun that I had when I was still into the dating scene. I had never even had a one night stand since all my sexual experiences had been with long term dating partners. It finally got to me. I began to want to see if I was missing something. It was a major thrill to realize that I was desired by another man. I didn't want to cheat on Simon or have the problems of covering up an affair since I feared that Simon would divorce me if he ever found out. I started to concoct a plan to get Simon to cheat first and then I could get my revenge in return. Foolishly, I really wanted to have sex with Frank.

To that end, through my firm, I knew of a quasi-legal firm of call girls that had been set up in one of the cities that Simon often visited. It was an agency that checked to find out whether spouses would remain faithful while they were on the road. I contacted the firm and selected a woman who, knowing Simon's preferences in women from experience, would have the best chance of seducing him. Since Simon called me prior to going for dinner while he was away, I was able to get Sandy to meet him on one of his infrequent visits to a bar/night club in that city. I had provided her with a picture of Simon via email so that there would be no mistakes. Sandy's report was that Simon couldn't be seduced as she had literally thrown herself at him. Since she didn't know that it was my husband, but only that his wife was a client of our firm, she had added that, although rare, it was heart warming to find a man that was so faithful. I paid her invoice by wire transfer of funds so that no record was available to my firm but a fair bit of my 'mad' account disappeared. Simon even remarked to me when he returned from that trip that some woman had made a play for him but he had turned her down.

I knew that I would have to try something else if I was going to succeed with my plan. I don't know why, but I was becoming obsessed both by the fact that Simon was unwittingly winning this battle and that, in my convoluted thinking, I would be unable to have sex with Frank.

I'm sorry to say that neither the morality of my plans nor the possible effects on Simon or our marriage ever entered my mind. I had a husband that I still deeply loved and who was faithful, loyal and true but I was set on a path to make my husband commit an infidelity just so that I could cuckold him. Any normal wife would have been overjoyed to be married to such a man but the excitement and the thought of winning another battle caused the whole situation to overrule my better judgment. True, I had not won all my battles with Simon but I knew that I was still ahead in the game -- the war between his reasonable approach to our life together while I kept going for the jugular. After all, I knew that I was the dominant person in our relationship and I was not going to let him thwart me.

I enlisted Nicole's help with my next plan. She knew of my wish to experience another man and told me, quite reasonably, that the grass was not always greener on the other side of the fence. She cautioned me that one night stands were not all fun and games and I should be thankful for the marriage that I had. I told her that I wanted her to seduce Simon. and we would never get caught out in my plan. She was quite reluctant at first, fearing that she would lose my friendship. I finally overcame her objections since she really liked Simon and did want to experience his lovemaking. I had a copy of Simon's itinerary and knew when Simon would be in Evansville --a city that Nicole often traveled to. He would finish his meetings late on Friday afternoon. There were no flights home until Saturday morning so that he had to remain overnight. Nicole would arrange to stay in the same hotel that night and 'accidentally' meet him there. I knew that Simon was quite careful while traveling, he had researched all the date rape drugs since he was afraid some stranger would drug him and leave him in an alley somewhere after robbing him. I had also done some research and obtained some GHB that I gave to Nicole to conquer his inhibitions and allow her to take him sexually. I didn't think that he would be on his guard with Nicole since he knew her so well as my friend and he enjoyed her company. The stage was now set.

When he returned that Saturday, he did not appear to be well. I unpacked his bags as usual and found Nicole's panties, which was our signal that she had succeeded. I now had my hunting license. I confronted him and he confusedly admitted to being with Nicole the previous night. I acted angry and consigned him to the guest room and gave him the cold shoulder for the rest of the weekend.

Nicole and I met for lunch on Monday and I listened to her report. Everything had gone completely according to my plan. He had been so incapacitated by the drugs that he had thought that it was me in bed with him. She had been enthralled with his lovemaking techniques although he was not overly active due to the muscle relaxation caused by the drug. She asked me to reconsider what I planned to do since, on the morning before going to the airport, he had been very concerned about what had happened to make him compromise his values and the effect of his seduction on his basic beliefs. This was more of a concern for him than any consideration for possible retribution that I might have in store for him. She really regretted what she had done to him and his feelings. In the light of day and not being under the influence of drugs, she could not get him to perform with her again. She told me that I had a very moral and faithful husband. We had caused him a great deal of mental anguish by making him cheat involuntarily. She told me to consider what would happen to my marriage if Simon ever found out what had been done to him In retrospect, I realize that I made a major mistake in not heeding her words but at this time, stupidly, I felt that I had too much time and money invested to not go through with my plan.

I had never really considered the fact that Simon already knew me too well through my antics in trying to get my way throughout our years together. While he was confused by the current situation, he must have smelled a rat when he reviewed my past behavior in light of what had recently happened to him. When I went to talk to him on the Tuesday, I added additional fuel to his suspicions although it was not apparent to me at the time. I told him that I was going to take another man as my revenge and I wanted him to be present to watch. He remonstrated with me and argued that two wrongs did not make a right. The way I was cold-bloodedly planning an infidelity with someone else escalated the whole situation since he felt that he had only accidentally strayed. My actions could mean the breakup of our marriage which, although I wanted time with Frank, I definitely did not want to lose Simon. His attitude and his loud voice basically indicated that I had hit his 'ouch' factor once again and there was no way that I would be able to commit adultery in his presence and force him to watch. I realized that it would be a mistake to push the envelope since he already knew of my fantasy and he recognized that I had wanted to fulfill it through my so-called revenge. Though I had been acting angrily throughout, I must have shown some of my disappointment and triggered additional suspicions in him over the whole scenario. I backed down at this point since I thought that half a loaf was better than none and I agreed to let him off that hook on the watching brief.

I took Frank into my (and my husband's) bed a week after Nicole had seduced Simon. I had told Simon not to come home that day and evening until I had exacted my revenge since he had been so adamant about not watching. I was ecstatic over the fact that I had been able to put one over on Simon and had won another battle which I perceived would never be discovered.

My belief that Simon wouldn't be able to put two and two together was a major misunderstanding on my part. I had left him too many clues. I was less than completely aware, nor did I ever consider, how devastated he himself felt over his own infidelity. I had hurt him badly through my plan and he must have decided to act to confirm his suspicions. I had no feelings for Frank, I had only wanted to totally experience the thrill of outside sex on my own terms and in my own house and bed. I had quickly realized that Frank was a less than adequate lover. Nonetheless, I thought that my hunting license might still be good if I could keep Simon groveling and off balance while leaving him in the dark about everything. I had taunted Simon that he had created the situation and I was just getting even. I had cut him off from any sex with me during that week but had told him that he could get lucky as soon as I had my own revenge over his indiscretion.

The Saturday after the night that I had bedded Frank, I had called Nicole after Frank left and arranged to go shopping with her. It was an unguarded conversation and I told her how much I appreciated her efforts on my behalf. I was in such a good mood over my victory that I asked her if she thought she could 'get' Simon again since I had enjoyed myself. Although there was nobody else on my horizon, I thought I might want the chance to explore future opportunities.

Frank's love-making had been less than adequate but I was still elated over the fact that I had been able to totally fool Simon through my plan. With Nicole's and my connivance, Simon still thought that he had strayed first.

When I came home from shopping, he wanted to talk to me. I was slightly belligerent and threw back in his face that he had been the first to cheat while I had just gotten even with him on the previous night. He made the reasonable point that he had been quite open about his supposed indiscretion with Nicole and he wanted to explore what had happened between me and my paramour. I had really looked forward to my evening of love-making with him since I had been unhappy and unsatisfied with the pathetic efforts of Frank's performance. I was pleased that (as I then perceived) Simon had no idea what I had done. I was still ebullient for being able to cheat on him on the previous night without his recognition of the overall situation.

The first question that Simon asked was whether Frank and I had used condoms the previous evening. I tried to evade the question since I had never demanded that Frank do so. When I finally admitted that we had not, Simon told me that neither of us would get lucky for the next six months since either one of us could be infected with HIV through my own and his unwitting dalliance. His comment was devastating because of my sexual need for him that evening. While I was willing to bet that Nicole was not infected, there was no possibility that I could ensure that Frank was clean.

I was still certain that Simon didn't know anything until he asked me how I had found someone so quickly to get my revenge. How long had I had someone waiting in the on deck circle to obtain my revenge? Why had I tried to push my husband to help fulfill my major sexual fantasy through my supposed act of revenge? I had to backtrack and temporize. I realized that I was in deep trouble and had made another major mistake by taking Frank into my bed without a suitable time lag. It would have been far better to have taken him while Simon was out of town on business. I still wanted to rub Simon's nose in the shit and intended to do so for some time. Now I know that I had made another major mistake. I still felt that the scam that I had perpetrated would never be discovered.