Chapter 8: Apex

Ms. Naomi Bora was her name. She was half Chinese and half English. And she was my shrink. She was to come over to my house three times a week. Since I wasn't really talking the first couple of sessions, she talked about herself. Looking back, it was to get me to feel more comfortable with her.

Our sessions for the first few days were very tense. I didn't talk. In fact, I basically ignored her. That didn't matter, she kept at it. She persisted. As our sessions progressed I slowly learned a great deal about her. She was thirty-two years old, unmarried and had no children. She spent a great deal of her life in school learning her trade. It was that sacrifice that made her one of the best in her business; unfortunately it also made her one of the loneliest.

It helped me that she was baring her soul to me like this. It made her... well... more real. She wasn't talking down to me. She wasn't analyzing me. She was just talking to me. It must have been hard for her. Her persistence finally paid during the sixteenth session, as she broke through my wall of silence. The really funny thing is that it was just a simple little thing that made me want to talk.

She was late that day, and she was apologizing for it. She happened to be talking about how it was just one of those days. You know, where there was nothing you could do right.

"... so I run out the door and just as I shut the door I realized that I had left my keys inside the house. I had to break one of the screens on my window and then climb in to get my keys. After that I get in the car to come on over here, but I needed to stop by to get some lunch first, so I stop by McDonald's. And I'm in the drive-thru when the person in back of me apparently doesn't pay attention and rear-ends me. After we do the whole information swap, I finally get on the road again and next thing you know, I get pulled over by a cop for a busted tail light. And I try to explain to the officer that the accident just happened and I pulled out the other guy's information to show the cop, but he was being a jerk about it. Anyway, all that to say I'm sorry that I'm late for our session. It was just one of those days where nothing is going right..."

"That's my life," I said very softly.

I said it so softly that she almost missed it. She wasn't expecting me to talk. It was actually kind of funny seeing her face. She was pretty much in shock.

"What did you say Chris?"

I sighed and repeated myself, still softly, but a little louder than the first time. "I said that's my life."

"What do you mean by that Chris?"

"Just that my life is like your day. Nothing ever goes right for me."

"Can you give me some examples Chris?"

"First of all stop that shit with saying my name after each question. That's annoying as hell."

"I'm sorry Chr... err... I'm sorry."

I looked at her with a blank look. She was looking at me very carefully. Her face registered with worry. I think she was hoping that she didn't ruin the little progress that she had made with me.

I decided to be nice. "Ok, well to answer your question, nothing ever goes right for me in my life. I try to do things and it just ends up all fucked up."

"What do you try to do?"

"Just... stuff."

"You're going to need to be more specific than that."

"Why? What does it matter? All you need to know is that I'm a fuck up and things that I do get fucked up."

"Why do you think that happens?"

"Why? I thought you're the one that's supposed to tell me that."

"No. I'm here to help you figure things out. Not to tell you what to do."

"What the fuck good is this going to be then?"

"That's going to be all up to you."

"Man, this is ridiculous." I started to get angry again. "Why are you here then? There's nothing for me to figure out. My life is shit. Nothing to figure out. It just is."

"Don't you want more from life? Don't you want your life not to be shit?"

"It doesn't matter what I want. Life doesn't give you what you want."

"You truly believe that?"

"Yes."

"Wow, Chris, that's a pretty sad existence."

"Yup. That's what life is. A sad sad existence."

"Why live then?"

That shocked me. "What?" I didn't expect that from her. "Are you telling me to kill myself?"

"No. Remember, I'm here to help you figure things out. Not to tell you what to do. Now, answer my question. Why live?"

I had to think about that for a while. I sat there for a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out the answer to her question. I couldn't think of anything. "I don't know. I can't think of any reason to."

"You asked me what I'm here to do. I'm here to help you find the reasons. I'm here to help you figure out why you should live."

I gave her a little half-hearted smile. I saw what she just did. Pretty clever of her. I had to give her that. "Ok Miss Bora."

"Well, now that you're actually talking to me, you can call me Naomi."

"Ok Naomi." I gave her another half-hearted smile.

"Our time is up for today. I'll be seeing you on Monday next week."

And with that, my shrink left.

I decided that I wanted to take a walk. It's been a while since I've been outside. I was considerably thinner and had lost most of my muscle tone. So I was breathing pretty hard from just walking. I suppose it had a lot to do with my lack of nourishment more than the lack of exercise. Still, it felt weird not being able to walk a couple of times around the neighborhood without breathing hard.

I was looking at all the houses around me. I saw kids home from school playing in their front yards. I saw parents pulling into their driveways from work. I saw dogs, cats, birds and other animals in the neighborhood. Now, why did I notice these animals?

After a few more minutes, I headed back home. I thought about what Naomi had said about finding a reason to live life. Did I want to find reasons? I wasn't sure that I did.

I got home and immediately plopped down on my bed, tired. After laying there for a little while sleep consumed me easily. Confused with the events of the day, my head had a multitude of strange thoughts swimming through it. I'm sure that had a lot to do with the nightmare that was about to enter into my head. It all started with me floating on my back in the middle of the ocean.

The azure sky was clear and the sun shone brightly on the water's surface. Small flecks of light danced on the little waves that rippled around. My eyes were closed as I lay there in tranquility. I could feel the rhythm of my breathing, slow and steady, as I floated in solitude on the surface of this ocean. There were no birds above me. There didn't appear to be any marine life below me. It was just me. Looking back, I think I should have been freaked out that I was all alone in this vast ocean sea. But for some reason, it was a sense of peace, not a sense of panic that coursed through me.