Chapter 10: Reliving

"Ok, that leaves us with the last person who we need to talk about. Cynthia." I winced a little when Naomi mentioned Cynthia's name. I really didn't want to talk to her about Cynth. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I was so hesitant to talk about Cynthia. After all, I've shared many of my thoughts with Naomi these past couple of months. Just by the mention of Cynthia's name made me think about her.

School was starting to get better as I got into my routine. People no longer stared at me. Instead, they just ignored me now. I was yesterday's news. As bad as that sounded though, nothing could have pleased me more. The only exception to that was Cynthia, it was almost like a game we played together now. I would try to ignore her in class. She would pass notes through Kathy to me. And I would stuff them in my pocket to forget about them. Truth be told, I never forgot about them. I read each one numerous times when I got home. But I had to let her go. I had to give her a chance at happiness with Rick, instead of trying to figure out how to be friends with a psycho like me.

Today was no different than before. Kathy nudged me and passed me a note while looking at me with an undisguised lack of patience. I took the note and stuffed it into my pocket. I looked at Kathy as I did this and she rolled her eyes at me. A little past her, I noticed Cynthia. She had the same pleading expression that I have seen since that first note. It broke my heart to see this, but the center of my being was shattered, I simply had no more to give. I decided I would write a note to her.

Dear Cynthia,

I wanted to thank you for your friendship. It has meant a lot to me to have you constantly write to me. I know you see me just stuff it into my pocket. But I do read them. Every night. I read them over and over again. It is because of your letters, that I must ask you to stop.

You are a special person. You have the chance to be happy with Rick. You deserve a great guy like him. And he deserves a great girl like you. I know you said before that I am your best friend. Well, if that's true, then it's time that I start acting like one.

The best thing that I can do for you is to let you go. You shouldn't be my friend any longer. You shouldn't sit there in fifth period looking at me to talk to me. I am fucked up. I have a lot of things that I am trying to work out with my shrink. But I do know one thing. I am really fucked up. The best thing you can do is to distance yourself away from me.

You have a real future ahead of you. Don't forget that. Never forget that. You are smart, kind, and sweet.

I will always miss you. And truth be told, I will always love you... as a friend.

-Chris

It took me several drafts before I came up with that. I surprised myself with the level of maturity that the letter showed. I couldn't believe that I wrote that I loved her, even though I qualified it with "as a friend." But it came from my heart. I truly wanted her to have a life worth living. And that would only be possible without her worrying about me.

I looked up from the letter and I noticed that both Cynthia and Kathy were looking at me. I must have been furiously writing, because I noticed that I had several crumpled pieces of paper all over my desk. Some of them had even fallen to the floor. I was surprised at how absorbed I was with the writing that I didn't even notice what I was doing. I composed myself quickly though and folded up the letter two times before I wrote Cynthia's name on it and handed it to Kathy.

Kathy was actually surprised that I was giving her the note. I'm not sure why she would be surprised since she obviously was watching me compose it. Cynthia was shocked as well when Kathy gave her the note. However, Cynthia was much more interested in opening the letter and reading it, than trying to figure out why I would all of a sudden write a note to her. As she opened the note, the bell rung. I didn't want to stick around for this, so I gathered my stuff quickly and ran out the door.

I got home and did some homework before Naomi came. She was promptly there at five o'clock. I thought I had dealt with as much Cynthia as I needed to that day, but once again, Naomi brought up my favorite subject.

"Chris, yesterday we went over almost everyone on your list of people who are in contact with you in your dream. I left Cynthia for today on purpose, feeling that we would need a whole session for her. And that's what we're going to talk about today."

"I really wish we would just drop the subject of Cynthia. I've dealt with her already today, I think I finally was able to have some form of closure with her." I smirked a little as I said the word closure. It was something that I picked up from Naomi. Throwing it back in her face a little gave me a little pleasure.

"In what way did you 'end' things with her?"

"I wrote her a letter today. Well, actually it was more of a little note. In it, I basically told her that I think she should stop worrying about me and we should stop being friends, because it would be best for her to go on with her life."

"That surprises me, Chris."

"How so?"

"Well, I never actually thought you would write a note back to Cynthia." I laughed at that. Naomi knew about the notes that Cynthia has been writing me. She didn't know exactly what was in each note, but I had told her the gist of them before.

"I don't know what got into me. Check that. I do know. I think I was just tired of letting her down. I was tired of playing this game with her. I know she cares about me as a friend. And I care about her as well, as a friend. But enough is enough already. She needs to get away from someone like me, who can only bring her down."

"Some may say that's a pretty mature way of looking at things."

"And what do you say?"

"You really want to know?"

"I asked didn't I?"

"Ok, but you're not going to like what I am going to say."

"That's never stopped you before."

She took a little moment. Then she visibly sighed a little before she started. "Ok, Chris, what I say to that is, it's a bullshit cop-out."

"WHAT?!?"

"While it looks like you are doing what you think is best for Cynthia, you're really only doing what you want. Not what she wants. Nor what is best for the both of you."

"What are you talking about? This IS what's best for her."

"Really? How so?"

"Like I said before, all I can do is drag her down in life. She has a great future with Rick. She's planning going to be going to UCLA after next year, and she'll be a great doctor after that. She doesn't need me there screwing all that up."

"Why do you say that you'll drag her down?"

"Well, I'm stopping her from having a relationship with Rick. That's already dragging them down."

"How are you stopping them?"

"Well, she seems to think she has to make a choice between Rick and myself. And I basically am giving her the push to choose Rick."

"You made her choose."