Chapter 8

When I woke up the morning after Jennifer's birthday, my thoughts kept going back to last night, and at the same time, moving forward. I realized that it was time to do something that was long over due. There was no doubt that it would be very painful for me, but hopefully at the same time it would be therapeutic. However knowing it was time, and actually doing something about it were two different things. A few days passed while I debated with myself, and there were a few times that I nearly picked up the phone, but fear prevented me from doing anything, until finally, I gathered my courage and called Bill, asking if he would come over as I wanted to discuss some matters of importance.

It would have been so easy to swallow a number of stiff drinks as I restlessly waited for him, but I'm pretty much a lightweight when it comes to drinking, and I knew I had to keep my mind clear.

When Bill arrived it was clear that he was curious though somewhat anxious. Me, I was so nervous that I was almost shaking. I invited him in, and after pouring him a cup of coffee and sharing some small talk, I knew it was time. I started, "Bill, I hope you will hear me out, give me a chance to say everything I need to say, but if you want to walk out, I understand."

I paused for a moment, and when he didn't get up and walk out, I continued, "We never really talked about what happened, I never explained what, or why I did what I did. I probably did try and say I was sorry, but I doubt either one of us understood me to mean what I was saying. So, I'm not begging for forgiveness, just looking for some closure, something that's long overdue. I know this won't be easy for us, but please..." With that I sat there looking at him, hoping beyond hope that he'd let me speak, but prepared to accept an outright rejection, to have him stand up and walk out on me.

Bill sat there silently for a minute or two, finally saying "I wouldn't have said this a while ago, but maybe you're right, maybe we both need some closure. Go ahead, and speak your piece, I'll try not to interrupt, but it won't be easy."

With that I took a deep breath, and started, "First and foremost, I want to say that I am sorry, sorry for what I did, and sorry for ruining things for us, sorry for hurting you and Jennifer. What I did was inexcusable. I'm sure that when I tried to say I was sorry before, it was only because I was caught. Yes, I am sorry I you found out, because of the pain it caused you. But more so, I'm sorry for doing what I did. There never should have been anything for you to find out about."

After pausing for a minute, I continued, "I wish I could clearly explain why, but I can't, even after counseling. It would be easy to blame it on getting older, some cute medical depression problem, but I won't even try. But I can tell you, I will tell you, that it was nothing that you did. You were a wonderful husband, my best friend, all that I could ask for, and I loved you with all my heart, even if my actions make it impossible to believe. What I did to you and our family may make it hard to believe me, but it's true. I also want to say that you did nothing to cause me to act like this, you were the person I loved, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I am the one who's fully at fault. It would be nice to point to an excuse, but there isn't any."

"Secondly, for what it's worth, I want to swear to you that the only other person that I have had sex since we started dating was Jacques. Clearly I betrayed you, but only with him, though I know it was one too many." It was almost impossible for me to look at Bill as I spoke, as I was afraid of the pain, the rejection I'd see in his eyes, though I knew I needed to look at him, and have him look at me, if there was any possibility he would believe what I was saying. I must admit, he didn't look thrilled, but what I saw encouraged me to continue.

"When I first met Jacques... , I don't know, it was almost like I was under a spell, I know how stupid that sound, but he had me reacting like I'd never before, and never would have believed I would. Even now when I look back, I can't believe that I ended up with him that first time. I'd had guys hit on me before, and never responded, and I wasn't looking for or wanting something else. And no, even though it sounds like one, I'm not using this 'spell' as an excuse, I was unfaithful to you, end of story."

"I was so ashamed of myself when I left there that first time, hoping that I'd wake up and find out I was having a nightmare. I couldn't believe what had happened, that I really had been fucked by somebody else, by somebody other than you. When I got home, and looked at you, part of me wanted to die because of what I'd done. I wanted to confess right then and there, but I was afraid of what you'd do, afraid you'd throw me out. That night, the next week, I tried to make it up to you, to almost fuck you to death, so I could feel your love and hopefully, reassurance, or maybe just to reassure myself that I still had you. And I convinced myself, why tell you, why make you share my misery, it would be better if only I had to suffer, because there was no way it would happen again."

Bill spoke up then, pointing out that if it had been the one time only, maybe things could have worked themselves out, but acknowledged that it still wouldn't have been easy, he would have tried, but who knows what would have happened. And he wanted to know, why, if my guilt and remorse was so strong, did it happen again?

"That's the million dollar question, and the only answer I can give is because of my stupid pride. I went back there to prove to myself that I could face him, and not fall under his spell again, but instead, I just ended up under him again, and then I couldn't stop. He would try and lessen my guilt, suggesting that you were like other men, that you'd probably cheated on me. I know it wasn't true, and in reality I knew then it wasn't true, but by grasping at that straw, it deflected some guilt. And there was guilt, but every time I came home, and you didn't confront me, I began to believe the old 'no harm, no foul' bullshit. And after a while, the guilt mostly disappeared. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but you weren't being hurt, or so I convinced myself."

"I know it sounds trite, but once I was wrapped up in it, I convinced myself that you'd never find out, after all you didn't suspect me that first week, and if there ever was a time when it should have been obvious, at least in my mind, that was it. I convinced myself that I never gave you a reason to suspect me after that, so you wouldn't find out, and wouldn't be hurt. I realize now how stupid that was, but I guess we both know I wasn't thinking properly back then, if I was thinking at all."

"It sounds ridiculous, but the few times I ever contemplated you finding out, my thinking was so irrational that I convinced myself that while you would be angry, I would prove my love for you and you'd forgive me, because you loved me so much."

Surprisingly Bill was sitting there and letting me talk, though looking at his face, at his expressions, I knew this wasn't any easier for him than it was for me. "I know how stupid that sounds, but somehow, thinking that allowed me to continue. Never did I think about what would happen if you found out and wouldn't forgive me, I couldn't think about that or I'd have gone crazy. Mind you if I had thought about it, I would have stopped in a moment. I wish I could explain why I never stopped, the only thing that came out from counseling was that I had entered into that dream world, and was afraid to get out, because somehow that's when you'd figure it out."

"Even then, I swear I never stopped loving you, though my actions painted a different picture. After all, you pointed out quite succinctly the things I did for him, but wouldn't for you, the man I supposedly loved. But I did love you, only I forgot what love meant, taking you and your love for granted. Everything I did screamed that I didn't love you, or if I did, that my love wasn't that strong, that you were secondary to me. And anything I might say flies in the face of what I did. So I'll tell you that I always did love you, more than anything, as hard as that may be to believe, and leave it to you to accept that or not."

"I'm sure you wondered why I let him fuck my ass when I wouldn't let you, and I can honestly say that I didn't let him, he just did it. I never planned it, it was something that he just went ahead and did, and once he had his cock in my ass it was too late to make him stop. That was one of the things that even in my sheer stupidity and ignorance I still felt extremely guilty about, and I was furious with him, but what could I do, he'd already done it. I wanted to make it up to you, but I couldn't go up to you and tell you that I'd suddenly changed my mind and wanted you to take me there, that would have been an obvious sign of guilt. After all, even I could figure that out."

If only you had made another move to play with me there, I would have somehow encouraged you, but no, I'd made it all to clear in the past, thus your love and respect for me prevented you from ever making another attempt. For what it's worth, I gave him shit about it, but once it was done, there was no reason to not let him again, though that awful day was only the second time. I guess he was claiming me, in our house, our bed."

"The excuses to avoid lunch with you when I was meeting him, at the time I told myself that we'd do it again another day, it may be hard to believe I loved those lunches, and I didn't want to miss them, but I convinced myself that it would still be special on another day, and I did try to reschedule. The sad truth is that it's just another example of looking out solely for me, letting me have my cake and eat it too. I don't think I really comprehended that I was lying to you, I don't know why, but I must have felt that if we made it up another day, then it wasn't a lie, or depriving you, just postponing something."

"The lingerie he saw first, another case of me being wrapped up in my own little dream world, after all you'd see it too, I never thought of it as putting him first, though how I never, I don't know. It never even crossed my mind that he saw it first, at least after the first time. Oh, yeh, my shaving my pubes, my counselor has suggested that the fact I let him do it when I knew I couldn't hide it was in part an attempt by me to bring it to a head, that the pressure of what I was doing was getting to me and that it was almost an attempt to get caught."

Bill started to speak, but I interrupted him, "I know that seems too simplistic, and moralistic and I don't even believe it myself. It's merely another excuse, a cop out, and I don't expect you to buy it. But nothing about that time, about how I forgot who I was, and forgot about you and Jennifer and us as a family, makes any more sense."

Fortunately, Bill never asked for details about the sex, nor did I go into graphic descriptions about what I'd done with Jacques, though I did point out to Bill that he was a much better lover than Jacques. However all that disclosure did was raise another of those "why" questions that I couldn't answer.

I paused a moment, trying to collect myself, so that I could carry on, wiping the tears that were running down my face. Looking at Bill, I could see similar emotions, the pain, the hurt, and a bit of tenderness. Most importantly, he was still sitting there, letting me ramble on. I proceeded to tell him that I believed I went into shock when he had walked in on us, though the look on his face when I saw him there was something that will be forever imprinted on my mind. I told him how most of the next few weeks were still a blur to me. There were things that to this day stuck in my mind, especially his love versus sex discourse, and my reaction to seeing him with another woman, though it turned out to be totally innocent. I vaguely remembered my first attempt at an apology, but was still to wrapped up in myself at that time to understand what was happening, believing that such should have been sufficient for him to accept it and my assertions that it would never happen again, and let life go merrily on as it had before, albeit with me being a loyal, faithful spouse.