Chapter 7

As I headed home that evening, the tears again began to flow. How I'd retained my composure when Jennifer made her statement about wishing we could be a family again was beyond comprehension. What was worse was the realization that I was the one responsible for everything.

Bill wasn't the only one to look back on the past that night, I sat there and tried again, for about the millionth time to try and figure out why I'd fallen for Jacques' charms, and why I kept going back to him. That was the worst of it, the going back, maybe, just maybe, if I'd come to my senses, not tried to prove my will power to myself by going back that second time, my world wouldn't have fallen apart. Had I come clean and confessed to Bill after that first time, we probably would have survived, albeit with some difficulty. But despite the guilt I felt, I hadn't, and I still lived with the consequences of my actions.

Even now, when I looked back, it seemed like a dream, a horrible dream. They say that life can change in an instant, in my case the, the instant I heard that voice say Sarah, and looked up as Bill stood there in the doorway, my world came crashing down upon me.

In reality, the first couple of months after the discovery I was in shock. Bill telling me he wanted a divorce, finding Jacques had a harem, and I wasn't really that 'special', just a regular fuck, and seeing Bill with another woman, even though it turned out to be innocent, it all just seemed to pile up on me.

I couldn't help but think back to during the affair, when I'd somehow convinced myself that it wasn't that serious, wrong yes, but nothing that would lead to a divorce, or even cause problems. After all, it was just a fling, a 'life experience'. It would end soon and then everything would be back to normal, Bill would never know and our lives together would continue to be wonderful. Even after I was caught, and realized how angry and hurt he was, I truly believed Bill would get over it, accept my apology and take me back, after all, he knew I loved him and he loved me. For that matter, I have to admit I was shocked that he kicked me out, at that time I convince myself that he was over reacting.

Certainly many of you would have me tarred and feathered, or some such humiliation heaped upon me, but in all honesty, after Bill walked in on me, it was like I was acting on auto-pilot, I existed, had some thought process, but nothing was real to me. I don't say this as an excuse, because I wasn't like that during the affair, but merely to help explain how I got through the next period of my life.

From the moment I first saw his face, I knew I could never have another affair. I tied to convince myself Bill would understand, and accept that this was a one time mistake, and after he'd cool off, we would get back together. Yes, I know that I went back to try and see Jacques right after Bill told me he wanted to divorce me, but at the time I was in total shock, and think that in some way I was punishing Bill for not forgiving me. Why I had to punish him escapes me now, and should have back then.

In hindsight it was pretty stupid to think he would quickly forgive and forget, but I had to think that, or I may have gone out and killed myself. I remembered telling him how I'd felt when I saw him with somebody else, thinking that Bill would see this as me recognizing his feelings and let it be a major first step towards a reconciliation.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long to realize that I was wrong. Bill was polite, if a bit distant when I picked up or returned Jennifer, or if we met at a school function. Yet I'd never forget the look of total disgust on his face the first time the two of us accidentally ran into each other on our own, how he walked away without replying when I pleasantly said hello to him. Still, in the dream world I occupied, I couldn't help but believe that it was only a matter of time until we were back together, living as a happy family. We would work things out, I reluctantly accepted that it might take longer than I wanted, but Bill would forgive me, realizing that he was the only man for me and that I was the only one for him. Somehow, my thought process didn't connect that my affair suggested to Bill that he wasn't the only man for me.

It was a few months later that I heard about Jacques being exposed as a fraud at the art's council awards banquet. I wondered if somehow Bill was involved, and I think I hoped he was, at least it might show that he was fighting for me, but I never could get a conversation going that might let me bring up the subject, and Bill didn't volunteer anything.

Looking back, the episode that nearly pushed me over the edge still filled me with pain, but that pain was surely minor to that Bill must have felt. I'd met Jill for lunch at one of the trendier eating establishments that day. Partway through lunch Jill excused herself to visit the ladies room, leaving me at the table. Prior to then, I hadn't paid attention to the 2 women at the next table, but as I sat there she couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

One of them was telling her friend about her recent hot date, going on and on about his performance in bed. I couldn't help but smile, albeit with a bit of sorrow and longing, as she described him going down on her, and how well his cock fit her mouth, and how he drove her over the edge as he made love to her. But what really got her attention was when the other asked how she had met this man. "It was a bit of a fluke, you know how Mary was always trying to set me up, well, Bill was divorced too, a friend of Jim's. Apparently Bill walked in on some guy fucking his wife. He got custody of his daughter and booted the bitch out. After spending time in bed with him, I can't imagine why his ex would have gone looking for more, I doubt she could have done better". I was stunned, thinking "it couldn't be, could it?" but deep down I knew that it was my Bill that the girl was talking about.

It was then that things really hit home. Bill wasn't going to come running back for me with open arms, saying how much he loved and needed me. I now understood that he had always been faithful to me, in fact I always knew it. It was only my guilt that led me to believe that he probably had screwed around on me while we were married, after all if he was guilty, then he had to forgive me. But now it was clear that he was moving on, looking for somebody else to share his life, his bed. Somehow overhearing her, the fact that Bill had obviously discussed our break up, and listening to somebody say how good my husband was in bed, made me understand for the first time the depth of his hurt. That night I came close to killing myself, going so far as to get out a bottle of pills and glass of water to swallow them with. If I hadn't glanced over and focused on a picture of Jennifer, I would have swallowed them, but seeing her made me focus on not letting her down again.

The combination of realizing the enormity of what I'd lost, together with the suicidal thoughts pushed me into counseling as a means to prevent a full blown breakdown. The visits with the counselor did help to some degree. I began to understand as we talked, about how there was something almost hypnotic about Jacques that made me, and others fall for his charms. But why did I swallow his bullshit, as well as his cock and spread my legs for him, over and over again. Why did I let him do what I refused Bill? Through the counselling I understood it was in part a reaction to getting older, that Bill didn't praise my looks as often as he had when we first fell in love, and how I thought he took me for granted.

Somehow I'd rationalized my guilt at the time by figuring that he loved me so much, he forgive me if he'd ever discovered my cheating. I also realized to my chagrin, that I did the same things to him, took him and his love for granted, but to a far greater degree than he'd ever done to me. The counselling also led me to understand that these facts alone shouldn't have been enough to make me fall for Jacques, or at least after my first fall from grace, but I never did figure out what the real cause was. No, I couldn't point to abuse as a child, or my parents cheating as a trigger. There were factors, but what it came down to was that no matter what was said, I had done the deed. And now I had to live with the consequences.