Chapter 5

When I heard that voice and turned to see Bill standing there, the look on his face, the shock, the horror, the sadness, made me want to crawl in a hole and die. Everything that I'd said to myself over the last months in an attempt to rationalize my actions melted away in an instant.

My first thought was that he was going to kill us, and the tone of voice he used when he told Jacques to get out let me know that he wanted to hurt him, but was holding back. At the same time, I realized he would never hit me, or physically hurt me, even though he may have been justified to do so, having caught me fucking somebody in our bed. Only then did it register that that was exactly what I was doing, getting fucked in front of my husband. What had I done?

Just then he spoke to me. Even though I knew he was badly hurt, his words stung deeply as he said, "And to think honey, that you always thought that ass play was dirty! I guess you were right, only fucking sluts and whores would do that, wouldn't they?" His voice was like I'd never heard it, hard but yet defeated. He looked like he had been run over by a train.

Panicking I tried to tell him I loved him, and only him, that Jacques meant nothing to me. As this was going on Jacques quickly dressed and headed past Bill out the door, not even looking back at me.

My hopes that somehow this could quickly be salvaged were dashed as he threw some pictures on the bed. To my horror I saw pictures of Jacques and I involved in various acts of sex, pictures of me sucking his cock, fucking him and him eating me out.

"I'm not sure exactly when this started, but I know it has been going on for some time. There've been too many clues, I'm sure you thought you had fooled me, that you had gotten away with it, but I'm not that stupid. I'm not a detective, but I did have you followed, and today I met with my man, who gave me these pictures. I was coming home to confront you when somehow you went and made it even worse, if that was possible, letting me find you being fucked in our bed!"

"Please Bill, I love you. Let me make it up to you, I will never see him again! It's you I love, I've never stopped loving you."

"I'm sorry Sarah, maybe I could've forgiven one indiscretion, but you fucked him over and over and over again! You say you love me, after the way you have gone out of your way to deceive me, I must question your professed love for me. How many others have there been? I have loved you with all my heart, I have tried to make you happy and have treated you the best way that I could. You have been the only woman I've loved, or made love to, but after what's gone on, that love has been shattered, and there is no way I can put it back together."

"Bill, Bill, listen to me, I know that love is still there and that we can rebuild it together. What about our daughter? Let's make this work again, I don't know why I did this, but I do know that you're the only one that I've loved, could love, and still love!"

"You should have thought of our daughter some time ago Sarah. And if you loved me as you say you do, this wouldn't have gone on, or stopped right away! It's too late Sarah, I will divorce you, though I'm prepared to give you a fair settlement, along with reasonable rights of visitation with our child, for generally you have been a good mother. I'll leave you in your mess for now, but I prefer that you leave tomorrow before our she comes home!"

With that he turned and walked out, leaving me crying in our bed, a bed I knew we would never share again.

Sarah was still there when I went back the next day. I don't know if I'd ever seen her look that bad. Clearly she had spent much of her time crying. Before I could say anything she started, "Bill, I know how wrong I have been, I don't know why I did it, and I wish I could turn the clock back so I could relive things, and I'd never have cheated on you. Please forgive me, give me another chance! You know it has always been you. I don't know what I was thinking, what I was doing, if you give me another chance, I will never do this again."

"Sarah, Sarah, what do you expect? If it had been me, if you had these pictures, if you saw me fucking my lover, you would have killed me, castrated me and fed my penis to the dogs. You always used to talk about how important it was to be faithful, and I always was faithful to you. I never would have dreamed of cheating, and I've had chances. But unlike you, I thought of how important my love was, and my fidelity, and how it would hurt you, but obviously these things didn't matter to you. There's no way I could ever trust you again. I would always be wondering when the next man would smile at you just the right way, when you'd drop your panties for him."

The way you've done it, the way you lied to me and deceived me all this time shows me that you only loved yourself, only thought of yourself and your pleasure. Did you ever really think of me? You probably did love me, but not enough to think of what I felt, of what I thought. Part of me will always love you, but too much has gone on to love you as I did before. Especially since I doubt your love for me. It sure hasn't existed over the last year."

"Maybe we can still be friends, after all we share a child. Tell me, did you ever consider her and what this might mean to her? Or did you ever think of anything but your own feelings. I'm sorry Sarah, I don't think that I can ever forgive you for what you have done. I don't think you'll ever know how much you hurt me, of the knife you kept driving deeper and deeper into me, until yesterday when you cut the heart right out of me."

"But Bill, can't you see that it was only sex with Jacques, for you it was and always has been love."

"Sarah, one of the things that hurts me the most is that you can't see how ridiculous that statement is. You say it was 'love' with me, and only 'sex' with Jacques. Yet when you look at the last year, why is it that 'sex' always won over 'love'? I know that there were at least three times when you were too busy to have lunch with 'love', because you were spending time with 'sex', and those are only the times I can prove you lied to me. I know there were many other times you turned me down, though hopefully some of those were genuine."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember the day you said you were getting your hair done, when you came home it clearly hadn't been done in a while, and in fact you got it done two days later. Then there was the day you were having lunch with Susan, only she and Mike were having lunch together at the same place I ate at. The only way you could have been having lunch with them is if you were under the table taking care of him! And then you were having lunch with Mary and Nancy. Imagine my surprise when I saw Mary at the grocery store that Saturday and she asked how you were, as she hadn't seen or talked to you for such a long time."

"And the Victoria's Secret outfits, yes I loved them. I know I tried to get you to wear sexy underwear for a long time, but how could you tell me you had just bought them for me when I found them hidden away well in advance, I'm sure 'sex' saw them before 'love'. The shaving of your pubic hair, yes I saw it the night before you surprised me. Did you do it for 'love', or for 'sex'? And what about anal sex, you always turned 'love' down, but it was available for 'sex', and from what I heard, that wasn't the first time."

Sarah kept sobbing as I went on, "How many times did you tell me you were to tired to have sex with 'love', I'm sure 'sex' was never denied. It seems that 'sex' could have what ever it wanted, whereas 'love' was taken for granted, something useful to have around, just in case 'sex' moved on. There is no doubt that whenever there was a choice, you always chose 'sex', so don't tell me how important 'love' was, for the truth doesn't lie."

She kept trying to convince me otherwise, but when I refused to agree to give her a second chance she became angry, "If that's the way you want it, I guess that's the way it will be Bill. But remember all the good times, how could you throw them all away!"

"I didn't Sarah, you did."

After Bill walked out that Saturday afternoon, I sat in our bed, dripping Jacques' cum onto the sheets. While I knew that Bill would be upset if he discovered my affair, I'd convinced myself he wouldn't be all that upset, that he would understand that it hadn't affected the way I felt about him, or our relationship.

But that look on his face when I turned around and saw him standing in the doorway of our bedroom, with Jacques' cock being pulled out of my ass, was far worse than I'd imagined in my worst nightmares. I saw a broken, defeated man in front of me, the man that I loved.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear, but there I was. My hopes that somehow I could make it seem as if it wasn't as bad as it looked were quickly dashed.

The list of things he verbally assaulted me with, things that clearly established what I'd been doing these last months, were compounded by the pictures he dropped on the bed. I was mortified as I looked at them, not even recognizing my face, and the look of lust upon it as I saw Jacques making use of my body.

I knew that I didn't want to lose Bill, or my daughter. So I sat up half the night thinking of how I could convince Bill that I truly did love him, and to get him to give me another chance. I could accept the fact that he was angry at me, after all he'd walked in on another man fucking me up the ass, but surely somehow we could overcome that and move forward. Given another chance, I would never be unfaithful to him again.

And what about all the good times we'd shared? And those we could share together in the future? What about our daughter, didn't he think what a divorce would do to her? I wasn't the first one in the world to have an affair, and after all, it was only the sex, I didn't love Jacques, I loved Bill! Couldn't he see by how enthusiastically I had made love to him, even while things were going on with Jacques, that I still loved him? Even if I hadn't let him fuck me in the ass, I was thinking of a way to bring it up again, and let him try, after all without Jacques I never would have realized how good it felt.

I thought I was ready for him the next day, but things did not go well. My great idea to try and convince him that the affair was only about sex, and that I'd always loved him, didn't convince him. In fact, everything I brought up was turned by him to show that I had chosen 'sex' over 'love', any time I had to choose.

I wish that I could have been more articulate and been able to make my case, but my constant tears interfered with my attempts to explain how I loved him. I had never realized that he would be as hurt by me having an affair, and the pain that showed on his face as he talked impacted on me.

Yet the tone of voice, at times, especially when he was going on about how he knew I was cheating, and how I could let Jacques fuck me over and over again, was like he was spitting nails at me. Another thing he told me, which made me feel even worse for what I'd done, was that apparently I wasn't the only married woman Jacques was fooling around with, though he didn't go into details. In addition to the pain and hurt, it was obvious that he had hate, hate for what I had done, and hate for me.

Finally he told me that it wasn't him that was throwing out all the good times, but me, and turned and walked out.

As he did, I realized that I couldn't stop him from getting a divorce if he wanted it, especially with those pictures. As I packed some things, I realized that I'd better see an attorney and talk it over, to see if it was best to go along with what Bill wanted. My heart broke again as I looked around my home, perhaps for the last time.

I phoned a friend, Judy, who was divorced and asked if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She was shocked when I told her that Bill wanted a divorce, telling me that she had never known a couple who seemed more suited for each other. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that it was because I had cheated on him, and instead found myself listening as she ranted about what a bastard he must be, and how was I going to cope.