Part 1: Fridaylocks and the Mean Sheriff

Once upon a time there was devastatingly attractive, erotic storywriter called Fridaylocks. (Though she preferred Friday amongst friends.) Besides the aforementioned attractiveness, she was also intelligent, talented, witty,... (is this too much?)... and very pretty to boot! (Quieten down at the back there! Now where was I?)

One day she had been taking a walk in the picturesque region of Fairyland called FDWritings. Though it was a sparsely populated place; the people that she had met were uniformly handsome and talented too! (Look you can never be too effusive!)

As she was walking she spied a pretty cottage nestling in a sylvan* glade. (*I know it doesn't really mean anything but I used the word in the teaser and now I'm stuck with it! - OK?) Just as she was contemplating how tired she felt, a shaft of sunlight broke through the wind-rustled tree cover and illuminated the front door. "How convenient", Friday muttered to herself. And so it was; a cheap trick by a second-rate author had alerted her to the fact that she was supposed to go in.

"Why should I?" Said Friday truculently. "If there's one thing people hate it's pointless self-referential fiction where the heroine starts complaining to the author and the whole thing is passed off as some sort of ironic post-modern investigation into the limits of internet erotica!"

As if in answer a distant rumble of thunder echoed menacingly through the forest. The beam of sunlight intensified slightly and then faded. The sound of rainfall could be heard from afar and the wind started to pick-up.

"All right! Already! I was going, I just didn't want to give in too quickly to the obvious." She started toward the door, the wind died down and the squall of rain miraculously skirted the small clearing and died away. The door opened to her touch.

"Why are there never any locked doors in Fairyland? And where is the bathroom?"

Inside the small entrance hall a door prominently marked bathroom immediately drew her attention. So she tried to open it. The door refused to budge.

"Oh very funny! Just open the damn door will you?" So saying she gave the door a kick. This was enough to free the door, which had just jammed slightly in its frame. (What can I say? They just don't build fairyland cottages like they used to.) By now Friday was desperate, so she pushed her way into the bathroom.

"Oh just what I need. A Brit. author trying to take cheap shots about American euphemisms for toilets!" The room contained a bath and not much else. Actually it did contain something else, a very small door with the initials 'WC' engraved on it. Unfortunately not being 6 inches tall meant that Friday was unable to go through it. However this didn't matter as Friday's urge to pee had faded and this little narrative cul-de-sac was revealed for what it was.

A little more exploration revealed the kitchen - with the obligatory three bowls of porridge cooling on the table. Not feeling particularly hungry, Friday was not tempted to try any. Apart from anything else and along with all her other good qualities, she was far too well brought up to be so rude.

"OK there's no need to lay it on so thickly! Anyway I thought I was tired, were do I sleep?" Back in the entrance hall a hitherto unnoticed staircase led up to three perfectly charming bedrooms. Choosing the room that had a 'Frank's Guests' sign on the door she thankfully collapsed onto the comfortable bed and fell fast asleep.

"WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE FRIDAYLOCKS! THROW OUT YOUR AWARDS AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" The amplified southern twang of the Mean Sheriff echoed through the cottage. Friday awoke with a start and noticed the flashing blue and red lights reflected from the ceiling. Getting out of bed she crept over to the window and peeked out. The clearing was filled with police vehicles. All of them with their flashing red and blue lights left on.

"OK! Don't shoot I'm coming..." Before she could finish her sentence the Mean Sheriff cut her off.

"WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE FRIDAYLOCKS. JUST GET OUT HERE WHERE WE CAN SEE YOU!"

As she was making her way downstairs someone started banging very loudly on the door.