Chapter 3

July 1916 Bethan

Phillip was reluctant to send a telegram home to announce his unexpected arrival: the appearance of the telegram boy was viewed as an ill omen now at home. This would be particularly the case with the battle raging across in France. He had heard that over sixty thousand British and Empire soldiers had died on that first morning as he watched the mines go up. Casualties had been mounting with each successive day of abortive attacks as the offensive ground on. He therefore decided to go to Dorset unannounced but, instead, to send a telegram to Bethan asking if she, too, could get leave.

This done, he hastened to Waterloo Station and caught the early express to Dorchester. There was a branch line train through to Bridport a little later in the day but, in a fit of extravagance, he hired the station's elderly taxi to take him home. He marvelled at how little changed the countryside seemed but noted, with a heavy heart, the large number of black wreaths that adorned the cottage doors as they trundled through the little villages. More land appeared to have gone under the plough than was customary in peacetime and he noted with mild surprise that many of the farm workers he glimpsed through the hedges were women. The logic, he supposed, was inescapable. With more and more of the Nation's men under arms, it was left to the old, the very young and the womenfolk to keep things ticking at home.

He found himself growing more relaxed as the old car wheezed on. It slowed to almost walking pace on some of the steeper hills and rattled and swung alarmingly when it gathered speed on the down-slopes. After about an hour, they swung in through the pillared entrance tototo the long gravel drive that led up to the house. He paid the cabman, thirty shillings and sixpence, tipped him a further five shillings and walked up the steps of the old house.

Mrs Bugler, his parents' housekeeper, dropped the vase of flowers she was carrying when she saw him walk in.

"Why Mr Phillip! Oh my goodness, look what you made me do! I'll go and tell the Master that you're here. Won't they be surprised!"

"Good morning, Mrs B. You're looking as lovely as ever I see. No, don't disturb them; I'd rather go in unannounced, if you don't mind. Where are they, by the way?"

"They're taking tea on the terrace, sir, just took it out myself not five minutes gone. I'll go and fetch another cup, shall I?"

"That would be splendid, Mrs B. I think I'll just go through now and surprise them."

Phillip strode through the familiar rooms. A sense of peace enveloped him. He loved the old house with its mellow hamstone facings and gabled windows. His father had bought the place before he was born and he had known no other home than this. The estate included two tenanted farms and a row of cottages for the workers. As a boy he had roamed every inch of it and was often to be found in some cottage or other, drinking homemade cordial and listening to stories of the 'old days.' Phillip's father was a popular landlord who did his best for the estate dwellers and never dunned those who were late with the quarterly rents. His mother enjoyed equal status: she had started an elementary school for the Estate children and paid for the teacher out of her own resources. She also was the giver of the Great Annual Picnic - an event awaited with eager anticipation by young and old alike. It was natural, then, that their only son would be welcome wherever his juvenile legs carried him.

He made his entrance through the French doors from the library. His mother gave a little cry and then sprang up to hug him. His father was half a step behind with a beaming smile and outstretched hand.

"Phillip, you utter hound! Why on earth didn't you warn us? How long are you home for?"

"Phillip, your eyes! My God, have you been wounded? Why didn't you send a telegram?"

"Mother, my eyes are fine, just a touch of conjunctivitis - it's lucky for me too, it's the reason I'm home. I've two weeks' sick leave. And I didn't send a telegram because I thought it might give you a fright - you know, what with the big push and everything."

"Well, I must say you're a sight for sore eyes, my boy. Oh I say, what a dreadful joke!"

"And I think he looks tired, William. Have you been getting enough to eat, you look thinner, Phillip?"

"Oh, they feed us like fighting cocks, Mother, much better than the infantry. And we go home to a warm bed every night, no long spells lying in mud and dugouts for the Flying Corps. I should say not!"

"Don't nag the boy, Beatrice. He looks fine to me, apart from the eyes, that is. Now, Phillip, what are you going to do with this unforeseen bounty of yours, eh? I dare say you'll want to be off to London, dancing and chasing the girls, what?"

"No, father, I don't feel in the least like going to London and dancing. As a matter of fact, I've invited someone to come here, if you don't mind awfully much. I'm not sure she'll be able to get away but I sent her a telegram and hope for a reply later today or tomorrow."

"Ah, and who is this mysterious lady? Not an actress, I hope!"

"No, father. Her name is Bethan Meredith and she's a nurse - one of those who looked after me at Bentley Hall. You might even have seen her when you visited me. A very pretty girl with the most wonderful eyes."

Phillip's mother laughed delightedly.

"I cannot speak for your father, of course, Phillip, but I didn't come to Bentley Hall to look at the nurses. Of course, we'll be delighted to receive your friend. The Lord knows this old place has enough rooms and it will be nice to have some young people around for a change, won't it William?"

"Yes, of course. Only right that a young chap like you should find himself a pretty girl or two. How long will she be staying?"

"I really don't know, father. It depends how much leave they will allow. Sister Hallam's a good stick, though, and I'm sure she'll put a word in for Bethan."

The rest of the morning passed in gentle conversation. At Phillip's request, they shied away from the topic of the war and his father spoke of the running of the estate instead. Even here, the war cast its shadow, as every so often, he had to explain to Phillip why someone different was now doing a certain job, the previous incumbent having enlisted. It seemed to Phillip that the war tainted everything. A subtle mood of depression descended on him and he resolved to go for a walk after lunch and 'blow away the cobwebs, ' as Mrs Bugler would say.

They took luncheon in the small dining room and, after the meal, Phillip took a couple of cigars from the humidor on the mantel and went to his room to change. He put on his walking britches, a woollen shirt and tie and his favourite old Norfolk jacket. He found a pair of stout shoes in the boot room and, feeling heartened by the change into familiar, comfortable clothing, set out for his walk. The path skirted the rose garden and ran down beside the old coach house, across the stable yard and out into the open fields of Home Farm. His pace quickened once away from the house and he found the years dropping away. He had followed this track countless times in the past, in younger, happier days. He saw the well-rounded figure of Betsy Stevenson and waved a greeting. Betsy was the daughter of the tenant of Home Farm and it was with her that Phillip had enjoyed his first adolescent fumblings behind the stables after one Great Annual Picnic. She was married now and her young husband was a farrier corporal in the Field Artillery. He had been employed as a groom on the estate and was reckoned to be 'mustard' with horses.

The path rose up in front of him and he began to climb. The hedgerows were a riot of wildflowers. There was the pink of the foxgloves and campion, here the blue of speedwell and the deeper glow of violets. He was sorry to have missed the bluebells that carpeted the woodland floor each year in May. He thought, too, of the apple and cherry blossom that turned the winter-stark trees to glory even before the leaves were fully out in springtime. His heart was full of love for the soft countryside. Where else did the beech trees grow just so? And in what other country stood such majestic oaks and stately birches? He moved upwards through the Holt, striding easily. Dead leaves and beech mast cushioned his footfalls and peace invaded his soul.

He burst out of the woodland onto the hilltop and turned to look back. Below him, the old house drowsed in the valley, its stone facades turned golden by the rich, warm sunlight. He paused and took in the sweep of the land. How neat it all was, how right! After the open expanses of France and the rolling chalk-land of the Somme, the small, irregular fields with their ancient hedges pleased his eye beyond measure. He turned again and walked down a slight ridge to another summit where the trees ringed the hill but had not ventured to the top, leaving a green expanse open to the sky. He climbed up again through the beech and hornbeam until once more he stood in the open.

From here, he could see down into the village itself. He watched a horse-drawn farm cart amble along the white road that led up to the farm on the far side of the valley. Here and there the fields were a lighter green where the haymakers had left their mark. Birdsong drifted from the wood below and he felt he could almost breathe in the tranquillity. It was to this very spot that he had willed himself during the worst moments in the trenches. He drew strength from its normality and now, as he reacquainted himself with the vista before him, he renewed his vow to build his house here. It would need to be of local hamstone, of course. Nothing too fancy, he thought, and a stable block on the reverse slope. It had to fit within this landscape so nothing too grand or modern. He would ask Bethan what she needed. He could always add a nursery later and maybe an extra bedroom or two. Then he caught himself; "putting the cart before the horse, old son," he murmured and then, with a shrug, walked on.

He walked all afternoon, over the hills to Netherbury, past the old Roman fort and home by way of Stoke Abbot. He stopped briefly in the village square for a pint of bitter at the inn. He was hot and thirsty but utterly at peace. The war had receded from his horizons; now he could relax and revel in being home. One or two familiar faces raised their glasses to him but no one pestered him for news of the war. He felt he had stepped back into his old life just as he donned his old clothes that afternoon. All it needed now was a positive answer from Bethan.

Bethan Meredith was changing a dressing when the telegram arrived. Sister Hallam called her away.

"Telegram for you, Nurse Meredith. And you've no need to worry, whoever sent it paid for a reply."

Bethan ripped open the envelope and read:

"HOME ON SICK LEAVE UNTIL END OF MONTH STOP PLEASE COME DORSET SOONEST STOP DESPERATE TO SEE YOU STOP PHILLIP STOP"

She felt herself redden under the grinning gaze of the telegram boy. She whirled away and ran to Sister Hallam who stood, hands on hips, looking formidable but with a give-away twinkle in her eye.

"I suppose it's from that young man you spend hours writing to?"

Bethan nodded her agreement. Her mouth was dry and she couldn't seem to find her voice.

"And I equally suppose that he is home and wants to see you?"

Again, she could only nod.

"Well, I'll have to ask Matron, but I, personally, can do without you for a little while. Let's see, you haven't had any leave since you got here, have you? No, I thought as much. I will need you tomorrow but you can go on Thursday. Four, no, five days I think."

Bethan finally managed to stammer out a few words of thanks but Sister Hallam brushed them aside.

"No, you've earned a little break. Now go and send your reply and get back to your duties. I can't have you mooning about the hallway all day."

A thrill of pure happiness swept through her and before she could think what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed the older woman on the cheek. Then she sped back to the door and wrote her reply on the little form the telegram boy handed to her:

"HAVE FIVE DAYS FROM THURSDAY STOP PLEASE WRITE TRAVEL DIRECTIONS STOP BETHAN STOP"

She found a sixpence in her pocket and tipped the grinning boy. He rode away whistling 'Tipperary.' Returning to the ward, she found herself all thumbs and the young officer she was bandaging mocked her gently. They had all heard the exchanges in the hall and took the opportunity to rib her mercilessly.

"Oh, don't say you are leaving us, dear Nurse Meredith."

"No! Say not so. We would all be desolate without you."

"I say, Nurse, who is the lucky fellow?"

"Will you come and spend five days with me, Nurse Meredith? I promise you, you would never forget it!"

Once this would have embarrassed her beyond words but after six or so months in the company of young men, she was able to give as good as she got.

"If I could leave you lot of cheeky monkeys, I would, now, wouldn't I? But don't any of you fret, I'll only be gone the five days. Then I'll be back to make you all miserable again. And put that smelly pipe out, Mr Wilson, you know Matron hates it on the ward. And as for you, Mr Larimore, I would sooner spend five days in the company of my father's sheep. At least they have better manners, don't they?"

The others cheered this sally and started ribbing Larimore for lacking the manners of a sheep. Their conversation turned more earthy but they were rapidly subdued by the return of Sister Hallam.

"Officers and gentlemen, are you? I have heard better conversation in a four-ale bar! Now remember your manners, our Nurses here are young ladies and I will not tolerate such rudery."

This brought a submissive mumbling of "Yes, Sister" and "Very good, Sister." She scowled about the ward once more, pointedly sniffed the air by Wilson's bed and stalked out.

"How can you stand that old dragon, Nurse Meredith?" one of the young officers asked.

Bethan whirled in outrage.

"How dare you call Sister Hallam such a thing? I'll have you know that she is kindness itself. If you cannot keep a civil tongue in your head then, pray, don't speak to me at all."

Sister Hallam heard the exchange and smiled. She thought now would be a good time to go and talk to Matron. For all that Bethan Meredith was only nineteen years old, she had the makings of a first rate nurse. There would be no problem with the leave, she would see to that!

The telegram was waiting for Phillip on the hall table as he entered the house. His heart fluttered wildly as he saw it and for a second or two he stood stock-still, unable to bring himself to open the buff envelope. "Courage, man," he muttered and ripped it open, staring in joy when he read the contents. His mother entered the hall and saw him standing there, transfixed by the message in his hands.

"From your demeanour, Phillip, I believe you have the reply for which you were hoping?"

"Yes, mother. Bethan may come for five days from Thursday. Isn't that spiffing?"

"Yes, dear, spiffing. Now hurry and dress, for dinner is nearly ready and you know your father hates to be kept waiting for his victuals."

Dinner passed in a blur for Phillip. He tried to make conversation but several times his attention wandered into a private reverie. He missed the knowing looks that passed between his parents and barely tasted the food. Had he been asked what he had eaten, he would have been unable to say. His thoughts looped and spun around Bethan. Five whole days! He could hardly believe his good fortune. He planned each day in his head and then re-planned in case the weather was inclement. Then he rejected all of those plans as not good enough and started the whole process over again. Yet everything he thought of seemed inadequate. He gnashed his teeth in anguish and then, before he could catch himself blurted it all out.

"I say, what shall I do with Bethan. I mean, I want her to have a really tiptop time but, for the life of me, I cannot think how!"

His mother smiled.

"Phillip, if she is the person you believe her to be then there is no reason to worry. Show her the estate, take her on a picnic. Use the governess cart and take her to the seaside. Do whatever you want. But I would say, if she is anything like as smitten as you so obviously are, dear, just be with her. It is probably all she will ask."

"Oh, do you think so, mother, truly? I do so hope you're right."

His father chuckled. "I was the same when I met your mother. Went right off my fodder for a fortnight!" He slapped his ample girth. "Could do with losing me appetite for a bit now, what?"

They all laughed and Phillip felt immeasurably better. His mother was right - wasn't she always? If Bethan Meredith was the girl for him she had much better see him 'warts and all.' With this decided, the evening improved and he was even glad to join his parents in the library for a hand or two of whist after dinner.

A decanter of Port stood by the card table and another of Madeira. Phillip and his father smoked cigars contentedly and, apart from the soft rasp of the cards and the occasional muted expression of triumph or disappointment, they played mostly in silence, happy in each other's company. His mother retired at about ten o'clock and this left Phillip and his father alone. Phillip had the suspicion that this had been planned. His father lit a fresh cigar and, when he had it drawing to his satisfaction, turned his attention to his son.

"Now, Phillip old man, I'm not going to come the heavy-handed paterfamilias but your mother and I think it's time we had a talk. How old are you now? Twenty one, is it?"

"You know very well, father, that I shall be twenty two in a month."

"Ah, well, yes. Be that as it may, it is certainly time we discussed your future."

"Father, I'm not so terribly sure that I have a future. The war, you know."

"Nonsense, my boy. This big push on the Somme will soon put an end it, the newspapers all say so!"

"Father, I don't care much for what the newspapers say. The big push is a failure. As far as I can work out it failed on the very first morning. I was talking to some of the chaps on the leave boat; walking wounded, you know. They told me that half our shells didn't detonate and it was the same as at Loos - large stretches of the wire uncut and the Huns snug in their deep bunkers just waiting for the bombardment to finish. Then they're up on the parapet like a long dog after a rabbit, machine guns to the fore. Some battalions lost over seventy-five percent of their strength just negotiating the gaps in our wire. You see, they'd been marked with white tape. It gave the Hun machine gunners a perfect aiming-point."

"I am sure they were exaggerating. Shell-shocked, I expect. Does funny things to a fellow, I've heard. All the communiqués are quite clear that we are advancing. Why, I saw a map in the Times this very morning. Showed we've pushed the blighters back almost everywhere."

"And the scale of the maps, father? Did you also observe how large scale those maps are? At our best we've advanced little over a mile. In some places, we haven't managed to get forward at all."

"That's all by-the-by, Phillip. I still say we need to discuss the future. After all, you are my only heir and neither your mother nor I is getting any younger."

"Now I know you are talking nonsense, father. You're little above fifty. You've both got years ahead of you yet!"

"I do so pray, my boy, but that's all beside the point."

"Well, if there is a point, father, I rather wish you would bring yourself to it."

"Very well then. This young lady of yours, who is she? Do you know her people?"

"No, father, I don't know her people. And that doesn't matter to me in the slightest. I do know her father owns his own farm in Wales but, even if he were a chimneysweep, I shouldn't care. I think I love her, father and I have some hopes she may come to love me."

"But you hardly know her, boy! And you must also bear in mind that you were hurt, wounded. It's the most natural thing in the world to feel attracted to one's nurse in those circumstances."

"Just wait you until you meet her, father, that's all I ask. You're worried that she's some gold-digger, aren't you?"

"Well, the thought had crossed my mind. However, I shall do as you ask and suspend any judgement until we have made the young lady's acquaintance. I do hope you can understand our natural concern, my boy. I have no desire to stand in your way and neither does your mother. We have your welfare at heart, you know. It's just that we would hate to see you taken for a tuppenny ride."

"I understand, father. And please don't think me ungrateful for your concerns. You will see, though, that they are groundless, when you meet Miss Meredith."

"I do hope so, my boy, I do hope so. Now tell me, is she pretty?"

Phillip and his father chatted on for an hour or so. William Welford-Barnes often cultivated the outward appearance of a fool but this was simply armour against the world. Like his son, he was by nature diffident. Whereas Phillip accepted this side of his character, William had erected a barrier of buffoonery. In truth, he was an educated and enlightened man, especially for one born in the middle of Victoria's over-long and stultifying reign. That he was a patriot, there was no doubt. He believed the reports of the Newspapers because he wanted them to be true. Talking then, with his son, he found the truth less palatable and realised, with something akin to genuine shock, that his only child did indeed stand a very good chance of becoming another name in the endless casualty lists. It was a sober and thoughtful man who went to his bed that night.

At breakfast the following morning, Phillip's father again raised the subject of Bethan Meredith.

"Your mother and I had a good long chinwag, my boy, and we have decided that whatever you decide to do will have our blessing. These are turbulent times, especially for the young. Seize what happiness you can. Carpe diem, Phillip, carpe diem!"

"Thank you, father. Oh, and you, too, mother. I cannot say what the future holds for Bethan and me or even, indeed, if we have a future. Perhaps the next few days will tell, perhaps not. I only know that I want to discover whether we do have the makings. And, of course, I would value your opinion as well."

After breakfast, Phillip found the day stretching out ahead of him as an endless void. The night before he had penned a few lines to Bethan and taken his letter to the Post office to catch the first collection. With a little luck, she would receive it that afternoon; if not, the following morning first thing, giving her plenty of time to catch the train to Salisbury and onwards to Dorchester. He had looked up the times in his father's copy of 'Bradshaw's Directory' and had resolved to meet her in Dorchester, sparing her the wheezing branch-line to Bridport. He would borrow his father's Vauxhall Prince Henry tourer. The car rarely got a proper run out. But that still left the day to get through. He resolved on another walk, to the North of the village this time. He scrounged up a lump of hard cheese and a couple of last year's apples, stuffed these into his jacket pocket and set off.

He had to walk through the village to reach the northern hills and he stopped once or twice to exchange pleasantries with old acquaintances. Turning up Fleet Street, he soon came to the little collection of houses known as 'the new town.' Yet again, he was saddened by the black wreaths on the cottage doors and was glad to hurry on, past the old church and the farm and up onto the hills. It was a long, easy climb. The hills to the north were set further back from the village and, although no less high, sloped more gently. He climbed the dip, rather than the scarp, and he set a good pace. The hobnails rang on the flinty road and he amused himself for a while by striking sparks with every tread.

Soon he had left all signs of habitation behind. He came up out of the woods and crossed the Maiden Newton road. There, on the upland, sheep grazed undisturbed, and he delighted in seeing the swift stoop of a falcon taking a pigeon on the wing. He saw no cruelty in this - it was simply natural - and the speed and grace of the raptor lightened his heart. Four miles later he was in the woods above Cheddington, gazing out through a gap in the cover at the distant views of the Somerset Levels. He saw the white plume of a steam engine as it huffed its way up the line to Yeovil and was reminded again of Bethan. With any luck he would be with her this time tomorrow!

He walked on, stopping only briefly around noon to gnaw on the cheese and the sweet, wrinkled apples. The afternoon was hot and still and the sky an azure bowl without the trace of a cloud. He amused himself by trying to identify the different snatches of birdsong that he heard; there was a chaffinch and there a warbler; behind was a distinctive yellowhammer and, as counterpoint to all, came the constant cooing of collared doves. By mid afternoon he was tired and turned his footsteps homewards, cutting across the country with a familiarity born of many such rambles. He pondered as he walked, weary but at ease, that this was what he was fighting for. This, to him, was England, Britain and the Empire and all that that stood for. The little patchwork farms and sleepy hamlets, the industrious little towns like Bridport and Crewkerne. It was not about the big ideas; he could not relate to those. It was about the simple freedoms: to walk the hills, to graze one's sheep, plough the land and raise a family. If a man could do those things unmolested then, in Phillip's view, there would be little wrong with the world.

It was nearly six o'clock when he walked up the dusty drive to the house. The evening light softened the hard planes of the old stone buildings and bathed them with an amber glow. He was tired, thirsty and not a little overwrought. Despite the fatigue, he still felt restless. He mounted the stairs to bathe and dress for dinner. Why couldn't it be tomorrow? Suppose his letter didn't arrive in time? He checked himself; that would not do at all. It was no use mooning about like a love-struck puppy. He owed it to his parents to be convivial. He must pull himself together and stop acting the goat.

The bath relaxed him somewhat and by the time he had dressed and tied his bow tie, he felt more able to get through the remaining hours. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before. A memory of Anne Marie floated to the surface and he felt a pang of guilt. How could he have been so easily seduced? He would have to confess the episode to Bethan. No! He dare not. What would she, a decent young lady, think of him? He was no better than a beast unable to control its appetites. But, somehow, that didn't feel quite right. Certainly, there had been wild, abandoned passion, but there had also been a sweetness and a tenderness that had touched him deeply. Perhaps, after all, Madame Rose had had the right of it. He had needed the understanding of what love could give. He began to imagine what it might be like to make love in such a way with Bethan but dragged his thoughts away from the lascivious images forming in his mind's eye. It was not seemly; they were neither married nor betrothed and yet and yet...

He drank rather too much at dinner and was silent and slightly morose for much of the evening. Stray fancies kept disturbing him. His parents' jollity seemed forced. He was overcome with a dread of loss. What if Bethan did not like him? He was rushing things. After all, they had had dinner only the once. But she had written; long, wonderful letters that seemed to grow more affectionate each time. Or maybe was he imagining things. Perhaps she was simply being polite to a young soldier, simply doing her bit to keep up morale. The more he worried at it, the more confusing it all seemed. He realised with a jolt that he was scared - as scared as he ever had been in the trenches before going over the top! How could this be? His life wasn't at stake if Bethan didn't love him, or was it?

The car engine fired on the third swing of the starting handle. Phillip advanced the spark a little and pushed the Vauxhall into first gear. It had been a while since he had driven the car and he made less than smooth progress at first. By the time he had swung through the village square and turned up East Street, he found it all coming back to him and he started to enjoy the sensation of speed as he accelerated up the hill. The engine sang with the power of twenty horses and he drove faster. He turned right at the junction at the top of the hill and sped off over Rampisham Down. There was no other traffic on the road and he gave the car more throttle. Of course, he couldn't drive back this way, not with Bethan on board.

He was in Dorchester in forty minutes. He had to slow as he approached the town and he carefully negotiated each junction, swinging wide to avoid the square corner kerbstones. Motorcars were still a relative rarity in that part of the world and they had not yet begun to round off the corners, as they had in London. The Salisbury train was still fifteen minutes away when Phillip bought his platform ticket and walked into the station. He killed the time by walking back and forth along the length of the platform. He glared at the faded recruiting posters: 'Women of Britain say GO!' and Kitchener's bluff features insisting 'Your Country needs You!' A million men had answered the call and now many of them, too many, lay in ragged heaps along a French river.