Chapter 1

'God damn it!' Shamshaire thought sitting in front of his computer. 'My buds on the poetry board might know what to do. I hope they do, I don't know what to think or feel. I gotta get back to studying. Let me post this... Ah, well, I guess all I can do is wait for their replies... '

Dear People, (friends I would like to think),

Many of you are going to be very angry at this post because this is not a poetry post; I desperately need your advice.

Here is the scenario:

I last week I went to surprise my girlfriend of several months with some flowers because due to classes, projects and upcoming finals, I had only been able to talk to her on the phone, and had not seen her for a week. I went into her apartment (she gave me key since she lives alone in a studio) and walked in on her and what I thought was just a friend doing more than just studying; his hands were in all wrong places. I dropped the flowers and left slamming the door behind me. That must have got their attention because when I was about a block away from her building I heard her calling after me. I just kept going to my car. I called a friend of mine and told her that I needed to talk. She and I have been friends for a year and a half; we had a class together second semester freshman year. While I was on the phone with her my girlfriend called me; she apologized and asked me to take her back. I told her that I needed some time to think and would get back to her.

By the time I got to my friend's place I had a headache like a stampede of elephants through my head and a knot in my stomach that was threatening to ruin the leather in my car. I barely made it to her bathroom before I started retching my guts out into her toilet. The dear stayed there with me rubbing my back the whole time and then helped clean me up when I was done.

Then it hit me. I had obviously gotten more involved with my girlfriend than I realized because I was actually think about whether or not to ask her to continue our relationship. Here we get to my personal crisis: I have a rule with relationships, if I get cheated on it's over, end of story. This was a rule I made clear to every one of my girlfriends once we became exclusive and was something my friends all knew about too. The problem here is that I want to forgive her. And when I was sitting there on the floor of my friend's bathroom I realized that I was not sure whether what she had done was the reason I was literally sick to my stomach, or the fact that I had to break up with her to keep my word.

Now I would like to say that this is all there is to my dilemma but unfortunately there is more. When I was done puking, my friend got me a cup of coffee and told me to tell her all about it; so I did. The problem is that I broke down when I got to the part about wanting her back but not being able to do it. I had my head in my hands and she sat down on the couch next to me, put her arms around me, and pulled me to her. I must have sat there like that half crying for at least half an hour. I felt content there, safe, warm, and cared for, but then she did something completely unexpected; she kissed me. I wasn't thinking straight so I kissed back initially. I suddenly realized what I had done and like the shit I am, I ran. I ran out the door to my car, and found a friend to get me high and drunk (luckily this was a Friday afternoon).

Here is the situation in a nutshell. I think I want to take my girlfriend back, but am confused by my feelings for my female friend. I also "can't" take my girlfriend back because that would be breaking my word. Furthermore, I know that if I ask my female friend out she will say yes; the kiss didn't leave much in doubt; however I know I am vulnerable right now and going out with her might just be my way of rebounding; I don't want to realize a month or later from now that I feel that dating her is a sham. I would HATE to fuck up our friendship or to hurt this girl; I really care for her and am interested in her romantically, but I don't know if I can trust myself right now.

So there you have it. It's8:45 AM PST on Thursday of the week before dead week; my friends, Ariel and David, are having their bi-annual before finals bash is in 35 hours and I HAVE to go; they have always been good to me and I can't ditch their party. The problem is both my female friend and my girlfriend are going to be there. My head is so fucked up with all this stuff that I don't know what to do. Please Help! I am asking fellow poets because most of my friends don't understand the bit about breaking my word, they think I am being a fool, and my parents are traditional Indian Muslims so they don't like me dating in the first place and taking this to them would only get an "I told you so, now when are you going to look at the pictures of eligible girls your aunt mailed us from back home?" Please help; I have no clue as to what to do.

-Shairu

"Oh god Derrick, that feels so good," whimpered Kaylin as her friend Derrick massaged her shoulders. The two had been studying anthropology together for the last four hours and both were sore from sitting in place so long, so when Derrick had offered Kaylin a shoulder rub she had readily accepted. Now she was seated on the couch facing one side while Derrick worked knots out of her shoulders and back. He had been at it for ten minutes and every so often she felt him go over her shoulders of under her armpits around her side just a little bit. 'I ought to tell him to not do that, ' she thought to herself, 'But it's just a little massage to help me loosen up so that I can concentrate better.'

"Oooh, hehe," she giggled, "What was that?"

"Oh nothing K, just a little tough spot so I thought that my mouth might work better than my hands." When Kaylin heard that she tensed up, remembering what was going on and that she had a boyfriend and a rule.

"I think that's enough Der. I don't think I want to go any further; we need to get back to work," Kaylin said as she tried to turn forward. But Derrick's left hand went around her waist and pulled her against his chest, and in the same motion he sucked her right earlobe into his mouth.

"Ooohh," sighed Kaylin, and with that Derrick turned her just a little bit and planted kiss after soft kiss on her collar bone quickly coming to her neck and then back to her ear.

"Aaahh, Derrick, let me gooaahhh, mmm." Kaylin tried to resist again but when she turned around and spoke Derrick simply covered her mouth with hers, instantly penetrating her mouth with his tongue and massaging her tongue with his.

She was lost in his embrace. His strong hands around her pulling him to her, his glorious tongue darting in her mouth making her whimper, overcame her resistance. She knew in the back of her mind that she should push him away, but his tongue, it kept tantalizing her. And it had been a week since she had seen Shairu, and two weeks since they had done more than give each other a peck on the cheek. 'Damn his lousy math and physics double major, ' she thought, 'I wish I had him here. Oh my god!'

"Derrick stop." Kaylin said firmly, "I,... oohh, god that feels god," she moaned a second later. She was gone, her body was on fire and all she could think about was where Derrick's mouth was going to go next.

"Thanks Mr. Chen, and say hi to Gracie for me," hollered Shamshaire over his shoulder to his favorite flower stand owner. Right there on the corner of Shattuck Boulevard and University Avenue was the shop whence Shamshaire always got flowers when he wanted to surprise Kaylin and because he was a regular Mr. Chen always gave him a discount. He also visited because he liked to tease Mr. Chen's daughter Gracie, a high-schooler who sometimes managed the shop for her parents and had a bit of a crush on Shamshaire.

He had parked a block away, and now with bouquet in hand he began to walk uphill on University towards the building where Kaylin's studio apartment was, whistling as he went. They had not seen each other in a week because of his research commitments and he knew that she was unhappy about it. They were supposed to go out on Sunday night but Shamshaire knew that she liked surprises and he liked to give them so a surprise bouquet and dinner sounded great.

"Mmmm," Kaylin moaned into another kiss of Derricks and she started to squirm just a little bit. His left hand started to massage her stomach and began a slow kneading trek up to her stomach.

At the same time Shamshaire reached Kaylin's building and used the key she had given him to let himself in. The key was in case Kaylin got too drunk at a party they went to or if she was hurt some how, and then Shamshaire could get into her apartment.

As her boyfriend entered the elevator and pressed the button marked "4," Kaylin's nipples were hardening under the incessant attention of Derricks kneading hands. Even through her bra and T-Shirt he could feel the nubs turn into small eraser heads and burn into his palm. Her softball size breasts were not too large but her flaring hips and tight waist gave her wonderful curves. He decided right then that he wanted her right there and he knew it would take little more before she was on her back.

Shamshaire reached the fourth floor and headed down the hallway to the end door. Kaylin had been fortunate and acquired a studio with a view near campus for $800 a year. Shamshaire was jealous. He was still living at home because he couldn't afford housing in Berkeley but with the money earned from the Lab over the summer, he planned to move in the fall. 'That's actually one of the problems... ' he thought as proceeded down the hall.

And as Shamshaire's feet stepped along so did Derrick's fingers proceed to Kaylin's crotch. He knew that she must be wet underneath her jeans and he intended to find out. With his right hand he unzipped and unbuttoned her jeans. Then spreading the fly of the jeans he lifted his hand to the top of her panties. And as Shamshaire turned the key and opened the door Derrick's fingers slid underneath Kaylin's panties and made contact with her lush and drenched sex.

"Uunngghh, yes!" Kaylin screamed as Derrick's fingers made contact and Shamshaire opened the door. 'Oh god, what about Shairu, ' she thought in a sudden bought of conscious, 'But I need this, and he'll never know.'

Shamshaire saw the unthinkable, his beautiful girlfriend moaning into another man's mouth. Her long brown hair splayed around his shoulders as his fingers did the worst possible thing and disappeared into her panties; and then she moaned again, and said yes! Dropping the bouquet where he stood Shamshaire made an about face, threw the apartment key behind him and slammed the door as he ran out.

Wham! The door slammed stunning the lustful pair on the couch. They looked around to see who was inside the apartment and it was Kaylin who first saw the bouquet and key on the floor.

"Oh my God! Shairu!" Shouted a startled Kaylin as she fastened her pants and jumped off the couch. "Oh no! He must have walked in on us!"

"Ah who cares K, he's gone. Let's finish what we started."

"Oh no, oh no. Shit! Derrick, listen this was a huge mistake, and I need you to leave now."

"Come on K, you can't get me all riled up like this and ask me to leave," replied Derrick stepping towards Kaylin.

"No. Leave, or I will have to call someone."

"Okay, okay," said Derrick, throwing his hands in the air. "Let me get my stuff and I'll go. You know what though, it's your loss. Hell, he'll never talk to you again, even I have heard about his rule." So Kaylin let him, and he did.

As Derrick left Kaylin went to the door and picked up the bouquet. Attached to it was one of the obligatory little cards that had room for a line of words:

Thought you would like a surprise dinner out Koala Bear! - Love, Your Lion

'I have to talk to him. Shit, what the fuck was I thinking? The one gentleman I meet. The one guy who isn't obsessed with getting off and I cheat on him. Shit! No other boy ever brought me flowers every time he came to see me. What the fuck was I thinking? I have to talk to him. But will he listen? God damn his rule! God damn! I've got to go after him'

Shamshaire ran down the hallway and once he got into the elevator he collapsed in a corner. Huddled there on the floor he sat a pile of emotional mush. Unable to move much less walk, he was there until the elevator door opened on the ground floor and someone walked to his shocking sight. When he realized that he was being stared at and that the elevator was no longer moving, his years of manners and preventability training by his mother kicked in. He calmly stood up, dusted off and re-adjusted his clothes, and walked out of the building head held high. He went down hill (West) towards his car and as he passed the flower shop he heard a "Hey Liano!" That was Gracie's nickname for him. She had looked up once that his name meant lion; since everyone called him Shairu for short she thought that "Liano" was appropriate. Usually he would reply with some witty remark but today he just kept on walking only yelling a "Not now kid!" over his shoulder. Then behind him Shamshaire heard something he really had not wanted to.

"Shairu, please wait!" It was Kaylin. His zombie act in the elevator had given her time to catch up to him and now she was running down the hill. "Stop, please, let's talk."

He turned suddenly, she was still a hundred feet away, and yelled, "You knew the rule, now leave me be!" Then he started to run. He had only a block to his car and with his head start and size he was able to get there well ahead of Kaylin who could only stand and watch as he pulled out of the parking space with dangerous haste and peeled off in no particular direction.

The sound system in his car blasted at top volume and with his windows down and sunroof drawn back Shamshaire raced along the cramped streets of Berkeley towards his friend's house

"And I've been down to the bottom of every bottle..." the radio blared.

"Ahh shut-up you dumb mother-fucker!" Shamshaire screamed as he switched the radio station.

"If I listened, long enough to you... I'd find a reason, to believe that it's all true..." crooned Rod Stewart on the new radio station.

"Fuck! Can't you people play anything fucking happy! The hell with it. I gotta call Leila anyway and find out if she is home." Shamshaire often thought out loud as he just had. Still cursing, he shut off his stereo and dialed his best friend on his cell phone.

"Hi, Leila?"

"Yeah, what's up Shairu?"

"Listen, I need to talk. Can I come over?"

"Sure Leo, how long? Hey listen, you don't sound too good; everything fine?"

"Not really Leila, that why I need to talk; you're my best friend, I don't know who else to go to. Anyway I am under five minutes away, I am already on Hillegass."

"Kay, drive slowly, I'll be waiting for you. Don't worry."

Shamshaire groaned at that last sentence. Leila had no doubt meant Okay, but the mere association was painful for him. Then just seconds after he hung up on Leila, he received another call and took it without checking the caller ID.

"Shamshaire here."

"Shairu, listen, I am sorry. I don't know what came over me. I sent Derrick home right away. Shairu please give me another chance. Nothing actually happened between Derrick and me! Please Shairu, you have got to believe me I am sorry. It will never happen again, never. Please come to my place, I want to see you, I'll make you forget what you saw, I promise."

"Make me forgot what I saw on the very couch that I saw you on? Ha! I wonder who else you've had there; I know that's where I first had you, seems to be some sort of pattern. About coming over - no. I can't see you today. I need some time to think. Maybe prove what you say by not sleeping with anybody else before I call!"

"Don't say that Shairu," she sounded like she was crying, "I had a moment of weakness, I-"

"A moment of weakness? Weakness!? If I had a moment of weakness every time some cute freshman that I was tutoring threw herself at me you would have beat me over the head with a baseball bat!"

"Shairu I really don't think that-"

"Oh, so you think that you can keep me because I can't find anyone else. The hell with that! You'll here about this Monday! Keep good count babes!"

"Shairu, don't do this, I love you!"

"I'll be in touch," and Shamshaire hung up the phone. She called him right back but he checked the number this time and did not pick up the phone.

"I can't believe I just said I would try and bed a bunch of girls! I can't believe I just promised to call her back," he said out loud. "I can't break my own rule! I swore it; I put my word on it. But that would mean I have to... no I can't leave her, she's... but damn it, it's my word, my promise, my honor!

"But how will I live without her hands on my... no! But her lips, they're so soft, and when she holds me its like, as if the whole world is just gone..." and he slipped off into remembrance.

"Just wait here Leo. I want to go get into something warmer."

"Sure KB." As Kaylin went behind the veneer to get some warmer pants on, Shamshaire looked at his reflection in the mirror. 5'10" and well built from years of baseball and football he knew he was no wimp but he was not a jock either. He did not have the skill to play for Cal and he was a math and physics major anyway so he didn't have time for sports. He was confident and though himself decent in looks. But he just had trouble getting girlfriends. Now he had plenty of friends who were female, but to them he was just a sweet guy to whom they could tell anything because he was good listener and never repeated what he heard. Unfortunately they were all oblivious to the fact that their tales, ranging sexual deviance to complaints about "evil professors," ate Shamshaire up inside because he would have loved to go out with any one of them. But most of them obviously didn't want that, so he didn't push it, besides, at the time, he was still maintaining his second rule.

Kaylin was different though. She had been the aggressor. His eyes had attracted her she had said, and she always told him they were his best feature. Looking into the mirror he realized she was probably right. He had what he had heard called probing bright eyes. They were dark but sharp, and his eyebrows, which went up instead of down at the ends, only added to the effect.

Feeling warm rather than cold, Shamshaire wandered over to Kaylin's window and was staring at the clear Saturday January sky when he felt a hand behind him at the base of his neck. Kaylin stood there massaging his neck and shoulders and then suddenly, she planted a kiss on Shamshaire's shoulder. The touch of her lips was so soft yet powerful that Shamshaire felt his knees buckle. He had kissed other girls, and was no virgin, but this slight touch from Kaylin sent him to his knees.