Chapter 8

"American Soil!"

I finally arrived in Oakland and everyone was escorted to an area and discharged. I never expected to be here. I showered, put my dress greens on and the Army fed us a steak dinner. Because of my medal, which they insisted I wear, they assigned an NCO to help me until I discharged. As I walked around anyone that noticed my ribbon would salute me. Even the enlisted along with the officers were saluting. The Army gave me my final pay and a plane ticket to any destination.

I decided to make a stop in New Mexico to see my brother Harry who was stationed there for a year. Before leaving, I had called him to let him know I was stopping there. He and his wife Samantha picked me up at the airport. To my surprise, the post Commander was present along with Harry's Company Commander and others.He was a Staff Sergeant, the same grade I was. Like the others, he saluted me and then we hugged. I spent a week there visiting with him. We ate dinner with the post Commander and his family. I understood all of what was taking place but I did not want it to be like this. I felt guilt and all that happened to me was under false pretenses. However, I just could not get it in my head that I was out of the army for good.

I wanted to know how Harry felt about me and what I did to dad. We got up that morning and played a round of golf. Just completing a round, we were sitting on the balcony of the clubhouse.

"Harry, I need to ask you something.

Sure! What is it?"

"When I went AWOL how did you feel about me?"

"I was disappointed in you, I thought you let dad down." He replied.

"I know I felt the same way." As we grew up, I always thought we were the closest, so I want the truth. How did you feel about me personally? Did you think I was a coward? That is one of the reasons I came to see you. I need to know."

"I was angry with you for hurting dad. However, I did not think you were a coward. I grew up with you. I knew better. I really did not think that much about it. I have my own life you know."

"This may seem stupid, but what do you think of me now."

"That is stupid! I am proud of you. Everyone has forgotten the past. Don't worry about that any more."

"What if I told you all of my medals was fake."

"How can they be fake?" he asked with a puzzled look.

"After I hurt Dad I volunteered for Nam so I could get killed. Everything that happened to me was because I did not care about living. I wanted to die!"

"So what! You are home now. They gave those medals to you because of what you did, not what you felt. It does not matter to me what you were thinking over there. I am glad you made it home and I am proud you are my brother. The family loves you no matter what happened. The family is everything, don't forget that." He responded.

"What about dad? I never got to tell him I was sorry." I said as tears streamed down my face. He leaned over putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Jay, you know how dad was about us kids. No matter what we did, he always loved us. I know I have done things to hurt him but he always forgave me.

"I suppose so. Thanks Harry." I said. I still had unanswered feelings. The week had passed quickly and I was anxious to get home. I thanked Harry and Samantha for everything as I boarded the plane.

Home Finally!

I arrived in the Memphis airport at noon. Mom and the kids were waiting to pick me up at the terminal. The Army informed my family about the Medal but not about the Purple Hearts. I signed a waver when I went over there that they were not to inform the family of any wounds, only of my death. I was so glad to see her I hugged her for the longest. During the ride to the house, the kids asked me all kinds of questions and I explained some but put them off until later.

Mom mentioned to me that she had seen Christi a couple of times. Christi had told her that she wished she had waited for me. I wished mom had not told me that. It only stirred up memories. Mom may have said that to make me feel better but it did not. We arrived at the house and I thought to myself, "is this really happening." I was a civilian now, what would I do? I sat around the house a couple of days just enjoying being home.

Sunday morning we got up and went to church. Everyone seemed glad for me to have made it home. I had made a few apologies to some that had written but I had not written back. I stayed awhile after church talking to some of my old friends, but soon felt I had nothing in common with them.

Henry, the man mom was dating had a son Rob, who lived in the apartment with him. I began staying at his place a lot. I met a girl, Carroll and had spent the night with her a couple of times just for sex. I did not have any feelings for her but she was nice to have for a while. During a two-week period, I had met three other girls who I dated and had sex with but I was feeling empty. I could not feel anything in my heart for any of them.

Girls these days seemed so easy to get. It was as if they had no pride in themselves. In the back of my mind, they were all whores and I treated them as though they were. Lindsey, one of them I had been with began calling me and coming over to the apartment. I didn't want her around anymore so I told her to get the fuck out of here and don't come back. She was shocked and began crying then left. I did not care how she felt. I even got a little pleasure doing that to her. I knew she wasn't interested in a serious relationship anyway.

Over the past three years, my senses had developed to the point it was easy to see into people. I was at the point that there wasn't any analyzing. I reacted naturally to any situation without having to think it through. It had become a game to me knowing others hearts. I wouldn't say anything to them. I knew the truth was all that mattered. Besides, I could spend all day telling people things about themselves and that would only make enemies. I would keep it to myself unless I said something only to impress someone.

I did have a few nightmares about what happened in Vietnam but I was determined not to let it eat at me. Now that I was home and away from all of that, I wanted to forget about it. It didn't help much with everyone asking me questions. I knew there was a natural curiosity about those things, so I just handled it the best way I could. The fact that I killed someone didn't bother me because it was in combat. The idea that they had families did make me think about it. I think now that I am home I don't hate Vietnamese people as much as when I was there.

Talking to Sue's mom!

I was thinking of Sue, curious to know how she was doing. Debating with myself whether to contact her, I decided to call her to let her know I did make it home. I did not want to stir anything up from the past but maybe she would just want to know. I think I really wanted to know if she still had feelings for me. I was tired of the life I had been living. I was ready to settle down and enjoy life with someone I cared for. The only worthwhile memories I have are when we were together. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but I had to know. I called her parents' house and her mom answered.

"Is Sue there?"

"No, she's not here, may I ask who is calling?"

"This is Jay, do you remember me?"

"Yes Jay! Where are you?"

"I'm home, I got back a little more than a month ago." I answered.

"I am glad you made it Jay, I'm really happy for you." She said sounding excited.

"How is Sue?"

"She's fine, she is at work."

"Mrs. Miller, I'm not calling to stir things up, I just want Sue to know I made it home in case she ever wondered. Would you tell her for me that I'm sorry for what I did, and let her know I made it home?"

"I'll tell her Jay."

"Mrs. Miller, you were good people to me and I am sorry if I caused you any grief, I really am." I said apologizing.

"You did stir things up around here for awhile. Do you want to call her at work and tell her yourself?"

"No Mrs. Miller, she probably hates my guts and would rather not have anything to do with me. Just tell her for me please."

"Jay we have talked of you many times and I know she doesn't hate you. Maybe you should tell her yourself."

"I'll have to think about that."

"Did you know her father was back over there?" She asked.

"No! When did that happen?" I asked being curious.

"The fifteenth of April, last year."

"I wish I would have known. I would have tried to contact him."

"He wrote me that he had tried to get in touch with you by phone but was unable to." She replied.

"I'm sorry, I was crazy, and I should have written." I said apologizing again.

"He'll be home in four months if all goes well." She said with anticipation.

"Give me his address so I can write him Mrs. Miller."

"I know he would want to hear from you Jay." She replied. I picked up a pencil and paper and wrote it down as she gave it to me.

"James was very fond of you Jay. He may not have shown it but he was. He told me once that he thought you were a perfect soldier."

"I could never imagine what made him think that Mrs. Miller." I responded.

"That's the way he felt Jay."

"I'm going to let you go now Mrs. Miller." I said not wanting to impose myself any further.

"Call her later this evening."

"I'll think about it Mrs. Miller. It was great talking to you."

"You too Jay. Call back soon Ok."

"Yes ma'am Bye."

After we hung up, I was surprised she acted nice toward me. If that were my daughter, I would have wished me dead. I knew Sue would not call me. I was embarrassed to write Sgt. Miller because of what I had done to Sue, nonetheless, when I arrived home that evening I sat down and wrote him, mainly to apologize.

For some reason during the next week, I was beginning to feel isolated from everyone. I could not explain it but I was feeling withdrawn to myself. I was beginning to be bad company to everyone around me. A couple more weeks had gone by and I was doing nothing but lying around. I needed transportation so I got a job working in a plant rebuilding aircraft engines and mom helped me buy a car. I found a sixty-nine Mustang Fastback that I liked and had a way to get around.

Henry, mom's boyfriend seemed all right. I was happy for her but I still missed dad not being home. I had said nothing to my family about the other medals I received in Vietnam. They would not seem like much to anyone next to the Medal of Honor. A week later, I received the medals and orders of those awards in the mail. Mom and the family saw them and were surprised. They acted proud of me but still my dad was not there to share them. I realized at this moment that the medals meant nothing. Dads' opinion of me was all that mattered.

Getting It Straight With Dad!

That evening, Mom and the kids were sitting at the table eating supper as I remained in my room not being hungry but feeling sick to my stomach. It was eating away at me and I couldn't keep those thoughts to myself much longer knowing I was in a self destruct mode. A while after they had eaten supper and finished the dishes, I went to Mom's room to be alone with her and talk about dad.

"Mom, I wish dad were here. Maybe he would forgive me for what I did." I said.

"What do you mean? He loved you; there was nothing to forgive. Is that what you have been thinking?" she asked.

"You know how he thought about the service mom, I shamed him.

"Oh no!" she said, and began crying.

"What's the matter mom?" I asked as I leaned over and put my arm around her.

"Have you been tormenting yourself all this time?"

"I disgraced him mom."

"No you didn't, he loved you. I meant to tell you that before he died, we talked about you. He said you made a stupid mistake and paid for it and for me not to worry about you least of all. He said that I would be surprised how you turn out. He wasn't ashamed of you, he loved you." She explained while crying. I began crying with her.

"Mom, this has tormented me since he died. I wanted him to forgive me but I could never find the right words to ask. I didn't know he felt that way." I said with tears.

"Jay, he knew something was eating at you and was going to talk to you about it the next time you came to see him, but he died before he had a chance. I was going to tell you but everything happened so suddenly I forgot. When he died my life was turned upside down and I forgot to tell you what we had discussed and how he wanted me to talk to you about it. I wish now I would have told you." She said and continued crying.

"That's OK mom, I know now."

"Jay, he always had a special place in his heart for you."

"Thanks mom, I love you." We sat on the edge of her bed for another hour talking about the things he said before he died.

I left and went for a drive thinking about all we had discussed. All the crazy things I have done since he died. I began feeling like a fool. "Why don't you grow up you stupid ass"? I said to myself. I pulled over to the side of the road and parked, got out and went to the other side and leaned on the car. Looking up in the sky, I said. "I really am sorry dad. Thanks for being my dad." At that moment, I felt free. All my anxiety over dad vanished. I felt as though I had wings as eagles. I drove home, went up to mom, and told her I was going to settle down and stay around the house more often.

That evening I was sitting at the table with mom, my brothers, and sisters. We were having a good time joking around. They had asked me about the medals again and I was explaining each one to them. Afterwards I was sitting alone in my room thinking what is next in my life. I needed to do something to get myself out of this rut. I wanted to call Sue but I was afraid to. You will never know for sure if you do not call. I thought to myself. I suddenly realized I still loved her.

An uncertain trip to Kentucky!

I went to mom's room to call her. It was ten minutes after ten when I dialed.

"Is Sue there? I asked.

"Just a minute." A young boy answered. I knew it was one of her brothers. I was so nervous and unsure I almost hung up.

"Hello!" she answered.

"Hi Sue!"

"Jay!" she said recognizing my voice.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"Fine, I am so glad you made it back, how have you been?"

"Pretty good."

" Mom said she talked to you. Why didn't you want to talk to me?"

"I didn't think you wanted to talk to me."

"What changed your mind about calling?" she asked.

"I need to talk to you. I want you to know why I did what I did, that's if you would like to know."

"If you want to tell me, I'll listen."

"I could explain it easier if I were with you." I said wanting to be near her.

"Do you mean come up here?" she asked being surprised.

"If that's Ok with you."

"That's up to you, if you want to drive up here just to tell me something you could say over the phone." She replied.

"I want to see you too. I need to see you."

"Why?"

"I want to be facing you when I explain myself. Can I drive up to see you?" I asked wanting her to say it in a way that she seemed anxious.

"That's up to you." She said disappointing me with the tone of her voice.

"Can I come up tomorrow?"

"If you want to, I'll be home about six."

"I'll leave early in the morning. I will probably get to your mom's house a couple of hours before you get home. Is that OK?" I asked.

"That's OK."

"I won't be imposing myself upon you or your family, maybe making a boyfriend mad or something will I?" I asked probing.

"Nothing that I can't deal with." She said not answering my question. I had not gotten the warm welcome I was hoping for, but I could not expect it either. I did not want to hang up but I did not want to push my luck.

"I'll see you tomorrow, OK?"

"I'll see you then, be careful driving." She replied.

After hanging up, I became more anxious by the minute. I wanted to ask her directly if she had a boyfriend or if she still felt anything for me but I was afraid to. I hoped my chances would be greater if I were face to face. If she had a boyfriend or had no remaining feelings for me and expressed that to me, I knew there would be no hope. Would her love for me, be rekindled if we were standing face to face?

My mind was full with thoughts. For some reason I could not pick-up on anything she had said. I did get a positive feeling from her letting me drive up to see her. Now that I am going to see her, what do I say? Could I explain myself well enough to convince her to give me another chance? I finally fell to sleep about two thirty. My alarm went off at six and awoke me. It was Thursday morning and I called work to tell them I was taking off a couple of days. I left a message on the machine. I showered and shaved, got dressed and went back downstairs to tell mom where I was going. I asked her if she remembered us talking about Sue. She had remembered, and I told her I was going up to see her.

I left at eight thirty, that would put me there about three thirty or four o'clock. I thought to myself while driving, this was a normal trip up there because my head was not on straight. It never seemed to take this long before.

I was overly anxious to see her but this could be payback for me. If she rejected me, I knew I would never get my head straight. I was even tempted to turn around and try to forget her altogether. It did not seem right that I had not thought much about her while I was in Vietnam. I should have asked her mom if she had a boyfriend. If she had one, does she love him as much as she loved me? No, that would be stupid. Has she been seeing anyone? Should I lie or say anything to get her back?

I arrived at her house at four. I was very nervous about seeing her and her family again. How would they react to me?

I pulled up in her driveway and got out. Mickey, Sammy, and Josh came out to greet me. Mickey jumped in my arms.

"Hey Mickey! Boy, you have grown four feet since I last saw you! How old are you now, eighteen?" I asked clowning with him.

"You know I'm seven Jay!" he answered.

"All of you are getting so big!" I said to them. As I reached the door, Mrs. Miller was holding it open and hugged me.

"Come on in Jay." she said. I walked in and Sue was standing there. My mouth dropped open. I had no idea she would be home.

"Don't start that again." She said. I smiled, walked over, kissed and hugged her.

"You are still beautiful." I said, as I looked her up and down. I knew she had changed from her nurses uniform to a black mini skirt with a yellow blouse.

"You haven't changed either." She replied. Mickey began pulling my arm, wanting me to follow him.

"Jay, come here I want to show you something!" I tried continuing to talk to Sue but he kept tugging on me.

"Jay, come on!" He pulled again.

"Let me see what he wants." I said looking at Sue.

"Go ahead." She replied. He led me into the den where a baby crib stood in the corner with a baby inside. I walked over to see it.

"Look! This is our cousin Jay!" I stood in shock looking down at him. I was puzzled for a second. I turned quickly looking at Sue standing in the doorway. She was smiling and nodded her head yes, indicating he was my son. I kneeled down putting my hands and forehead on the crib as my eyes moistened.

"God forgive me!" I said because the guilt I felt for leaving her to wonder about me all this time. I took Jay out of the crib and held him. Sue walked over to us putting her hand over my shoulder. I looked at her asking.

"How old is he?"

"Nine months, I was two months pregnant when you left." She explained.

"How come I didn't notice before I left?" I asked.

"I wasn't showing yet."

"Why didn't you tell me? You should have said something." I stated.

"Jay!" She said with a soft voice cocking her head and staring at me with a look.

"Your right!" I replied understanding what she meant.

As I stood and held him, thoughts of what I had done ran through my mind.I held him up to my cheek and kissed him.

"He is so beautiful!" I remarked. I glanced back and saw her mother standing behind us with tears in her eyes. "Mrs. Miller you have a very handsome grandson here." I said wiping my eyes on my shoulders.

"And very sweet like his father." She replied smiling. I turned looking at Sue.

"I don't think your mom realizes who she is talking about."

"Under all that meanness, there is a little sweetness!" her mom said smiling.

"You are still a great lady!" I said being serious and glad she did not hate me.

"Well thank you!" she replied.

I put Jay's head to my face smelling and kissing him at the same time, then looking at Sue

"We need to talk. Is there somewhere we can go?" I asked.

"Would you kids watch little Jay until we get back?" Sue asked.

"Yes! They all answered.

"Mom, we're going for a drive, will you help the kids watch the baby?"

"Sure, you two take your time." She said putting her hand on my arm as I walked by. I stopped and kissed her on the cheek. We walked out to the car.

"Where do you want to go?" she asked.

"Let's go to the river, I love going to the river with you." I said as we laughed.

"You haven't changed a bit, still incorrigible, aren't you?" she stated as I smiled at her.

I drove to the river and parked and turned the engine off facing her with my arm resting on the seat. Looking into her eyes, I placed my other hand against her cheek pulling her close and hugging her. With my face in her hair, I took a long breath.

"You smell so good. I miss that about you."

"I miss you saying it." She replied as I pulled back looking into her eyes.

"I am so sorry. No excuses in the world can make up for the way I acted. I want you to know why I treated you the way I did. I told you that someone tore my heart out. That was true. I told you that something happened between my father and me. That was also true. My father was a career soldier like yours. I thought the Army meant more to him than anything in the world. After I was in the Army a couple of months, I had gone AWOL. That hurt him and I was ashamed. He died before I could set things straight with him. I was so ashamed I could not face my family or friends anymore. Mostly I could not face myself. I thought the only thing for me to do was, go to Vietnam and get myself killed in action.

Things did not work out the way I had planned. I am not going to lie either, because of all that happened over there, I all but forgot you. After I had gotten back, I found out that my Father did not feel the way I had thought. Before he died, he told mom that he loved me, and that I had made a stupid mistake and paid for it. He also told her that I would be all right, and she was to worry about me least of all the kids.

I realized what I had put you, myself, and others through was unnecessary. I am sorry for it. I wish I had it all to do over again, but I have settled in my heart, all that had to do with my father. Will you forgive me?" I asked.

"I forgive you." She answered as she began crying.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"I'll be all right. I was imagining what you must have gone through."

"There you go again, worrying about me when I put you through hell."

"I'm OK now." She replied.

"The other thing, I never got over being hurt. You told me once that you could help me get through it. Will you help me now? Will you marry me? I love you, with all my heart." I said as she put her arms around me and cried. I held her tight until she had stopped crying.

"Do you remember my last words to you on the steps? I promised you I would wait?" she asked. I shook my head.

"Yes, I will marry you." We kissed and held each other. "I prayed for you every day. I also wrote you two or three times a week but I never mailed them. Momma said time would heal everything. I kept the letters in my drawer."

"Would you let me read them sometime?"

"They are yours, I wrote them to you." She said with a teasing expression on her face.

"Why are you giving me that look?"

"Do you want to get in the back seat for old times sake?" she said as I laughed.

"Yes, but I want to go see our son." I answered.

Driving back to the house with my arm around her, I began thinking what might have gone on in her mind this past year.

"How long would you wait before you tried to find out if I made it home?"

"You know something, I just love your mother. She is so sweet. We have talked many times of you, before and after I visited her. I called her first to see if she had a picture of you I could have because I didn't have one." She explained surprising me.

"Oh really! What kinds of things did she have to say? I asked.

"I know you got the Medal of Honor and was wounded twice. I probably know everything about your childhood. She replied.

"Not everything, does your mom know everything about yours? I asked.

"Not every little thing."

"I rest my case."

"Then tell me about you?" she asked.

"We have the rest of our lives to find out about me, and you are on a need to know basis. If I feel you need to know, I will tell you." I laughed.

"Real funny, aren't you." She said with a little chuckle.

"I do have something I feel you need to know." I said with a serious look.

"Tell me! She said anxiously.

"You need to know, at this second, I love you more than anything in my life and I can see this love for you growing more each day." I said leaning over and kissing her.

"I love you the same way."

"Are we going to tell your mom when we go in?" I asked.

"We sure are." She replied.

"There is going to be a question in her mind, whether or not I asked you to marry me for the right reason. I need to be the one that tells her!" I said.

"She is not going to think any such thing but you can tell her."

We entered the den where Little Jay was sleeping as walked over to look at him. I leaned over and put my hand on his cheek.

"I just wanted to make sure he was real." I said looking back at Sue. I stood up and pulled her to me and we kissed. The kids did not stay as they had said but had gone upstairs to play and her mom was in the kitchen preparing supper.

"Let's go tell your mom." I said walking to the kitchen holding her hand. "Mrs. Miller, would you sit down for a minute?" I asked as Sue and I sat down. She sat at the table with us.

"You know my mind was messed up before I went to Vietnam. Sue can tell you the details later if you want to know. Before I went over there I fell in love with Sue but because of something that happened to me, I felt it best for her if she had nothing else to do with me. My mind was preoccupied with other matters. However, since I have been back. I have gotten my mind straight, with help from Sue.

When I came up here today, it was my intention to ask or beg if necessary that Sue to give me another chance and ask her to marry me. I did not know about Jay, but now that I do, I am excited about him. I want you to know that I came to realize what I missed most in my life. I missed Sue and I do not want you to wonder in the future why I asked Sue to marry me. I asked her because I realized how much I love her. So, what I am telling you is that we are getting married, if that is all right with you." I explained.

"You know it is! And I know her daddy will feel the same." She said.

"Ok, Mom!" I said getting up walking around the table. We hugged each other and she hugged Sue.

"Sue! Let's go wake Jay up and tell him!" I said jokingly.

"Don't you dare wake him! She said. We went back to the crib to look at him.

"Do you want to go up to my room and talk?"

"Your mom isn't going to let us be alone like that in her house before we get married." I replied.

"Mom!" she shouted to her in the kitchen. "Will it be OK if Jay and I go up to my room?" she asked as I was trying to put my hand over her mouth as we laughed.

"It's none of my business what you do, if that is what you want." She replied.

"Ha! Ha!" Sue said with a smile.

"Well let's go up and talk, and just talk! I said joking.

"OK, she replied as we went up to her room.

"Your mom knows the kids aren't going to let us be alone, that's why see didn't mind." I stated.

"They won't bother us, besides all we are going to do is talk. I don't know if you know it but mom knows we lived together and I had your baby." She said with a smile.

I followed her into the room and I lay back on the end of the bed. Closing the door, she looked at me and smiled.

"It's your turn." I said.

"No it's not! We both did it last time." She replied.

"Please, do it for me?" I asked.