Chapter 35

We all met for lunch at this little sandwich place near our office building. We sat together at a table outside and ordered sandwiches and salads.

Our conversation revolved mostly around work for a moment, neither of us having the guts to broach the topic of our wandering eyes. After some excruciating small talk, Jillian brought up the elephant in the room.

“Hey guys,” she began casually, “so, um ... Listen, I didn’t want to say this in the break room in case anybody overheard, but I wanted to apologize.”

Neither of us spoke a word for several seconds until we both realized the other was waiting for an explanation.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” I offered. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“Yeah,” Jules added. “We understand...”

“ ... No, I do,” Jillian continued. “I shouldn’t have assumed that you were harassing me. Honestly, I should have known better. And then, well ... Yeah, I’m sorry.”

She took a breath before continuing. “And, uh ... I guess I need to learn to not overthink it if people stare at me.”

“Listen, I know it’s not right when people stare,” Jules began, “but it took me a long time to come to terms with it myself, but everyone stares at attractive people. And even though I feel like a gargoyle compared to you, and like deep down I’m still the weird flat nerd girl with no friends, I had to accept that I’m one of those attractive people now. And I’ve worked hard for that too. But you know what? It also means I’m pretty enough that it disarms people. And that’s empowering. So I just own it and try to enjoy it. And you should too.”

Jillian listened to Jules intently, pursing her lips. “But how does it make you feel when someone looks at you like that?” she asked curiously. “Because it undercuts your intellect and your abilities and all of that.”

Jules paused thoughtfully for a minute. Then her expression softened and she shrugged. “I get insecure too. When I first started working here, I was terrified of men staring at me because I knew they’d only judge me based on my appearance. But you know what? I think more than anything, I was just terrified of this being my first real job, not so much being stared at. So I came to terms with a lot of things and grew a great deal. Now that I’m comfortable with who I am, I actually prefer it when they do look at me like that. Because I could be a triple threat - disarm them with my looks, and with my brains, and with my ability. And it makes me feel powerful knowing that.”

Jules leaned forward conspiratorially across the table, smiling warmly at Jillian. “Just remember that you’re beautiful, smart and talented too. Probably more so than me in all three categories.”

Jillian’s cheeks flushed, a pink blush peeking out through her dark skin, and her eyes widened. She laughed awkwardly, covering her mouth with her hand. “Um ... Thank you.”

I grinned widely and nudged Jillian, “You’ve been an amazing addition to the team for sure. Glad you decided to join us.”

Jillian returned my smile briefly. “Thank you. I appreciate the vote of confidence.”

Her blush faded quickly, replaced by a thoughtful expression. “Speaking of which,” she mused aloud, looking in Jules’ direction, “what exactly did you mean when you said you ‘own it’? How do I do that?”

Jules tilted her head slightly to the side and furrowed her brow. “That’s hard to explain,” she responded slowly. “But basically, stop thinking so much about what other people are going to think of you.”

A small frown formed between Jillian’s eyebrows. “How do I go about doing that?” she asked hesitantly.

Jules reached out and squeezed Jillian’s shoulder reassuringly. “It gets easier. Trust me.”

Jules’ gaze drifted away from Jillian momentarily as she stared off into space.

Then her eyes focused sharply back on Jillian and she smiled gently. “Honestly, once you realize that most people are shallow and self-obsessed anyway, it becomes liberating. Trust me, I know how hard it is to let yourself become vulnerable and open up when you’ve spent your whole life hiding behind walls. I never imagined myself becoming so honest and transparent. But now I couldn’t imagine living any other way.”

Watching Jules at this moment, marveling at how amazing she was being, I couldn’t help what came out of my mouth.

“Goddamn, I love you,” I said sheepishly to Jules out of nowhere, covering my vulnerability with a laugh.

It just came out of me at that moment. Like an instinct. This speech of hers, the way she was reinforcing Jillian, she was simply embodying everything I adored about her. Sure, her body and the fact that she was a sex goddess was a lovable attribute. But I was careful to not say ‘I love you’ for the first time, for real, in any postcoital situation because I wouldn’t have been in my right mind.

But now, watching her talk to Jillian, I felt an adoration for Jules. I was enamored with her every word, her every gesture, remembering every bit of her life story that she’s told me over the months we’ve been together that I know contributed to this confident person trying to comfort and inspire Jillian. And I knew the small role I’ve helped play for her to be like this, which reminded me of our time together so far. And behind it all was her heart. She was genuinely trying to make Jillian feel good about herself. To empower her. To make her see and accept how amazing she is. It’s the same kind of thing Jules did for me. She made me feel amazing too. And Jules regularly told me how amazing I made her feel, which is all she’s ever needed to realize she’s in love with me.

So I didn’t regret it when the words peeped out of my mouth almost reflexively. I thought about why I said it, and let myself realize for the first time.

I was in love with Jules Vidal.

Jules got jarred out of her speech and looked at me, surprised, flashing me the biggest smile she’d ever given me. “What did you say? You love me? Really?”

“Sorry,” I blushed. “Everything you’re telling Jillian right now, the way you’re carrying yourself ... The qualities you’re showing her ... I dunno ... It’s just making me ... You’re so...”

Jules chuckled softly. “You’re really ... You for real love me?”

“I’m finally letting myself, Jules, yes,” I tried to say calmly white attempting to stifle an uncontrollable grin.

“You’re not bullshitting me?” Jules pressed anxiously, leaning toward me from the opposite side of the table, looking directly at me. “Are you being serious right now?”

I nodded seriously again, biting my lip. “100% I’m finally admitting I’m in love with you.”

Jillian was watching this exchange, trying to figure out exactly what she was seeing. She probably thought we said these three little words to each other long ago. But it was becoming obvious that she was watching me telling Jules ‘I love you’ for the first time.

Jules scootched her chair closer to me and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek, smiling tenderly. “Oh thank God!” she whispered loudly against my cheek. “I was worried there that you’d never say it.”

Jules grabbed my face and kissed me hungrily. We sat locked together for several seconds, kissing passionately while Jillian averted her gaze.

After a few moments, Jules pulled back and smiled shyly at me. “If we were alone right now...”

“ ... But we’re not,” I said, smiling warmly at Jillian. “Later, ok?” I told Jules.

Jillian sat uncomfortably, looking away, just as anybody would sitting across from a kissing couple.

Jules sighed heavily. “Damn it.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” I said soothingly to her. “We’ll find someplace private later tonight.”

“You two actually are kinda cute...” Jillian smiled, “ ... In a creepy ‘Human Resources investigation’ sorta way.”