When the memory returned I remembered that I had been able to do this all my life, or at least since I was about eighteen months old.

The memory of myself as a toddler, playing with a balloon, and then BANG – it was gone. I guess it was the shock of the bursting balloon that had startled me into my reaction, but I felt something tense just north of my stomach, and everything went quiet.

Looking around I could see everything was stopped. My parents were in the process of turning towards me and the family dog’s head was just starting to come up from its paws where it was laid by the fire. There were still some remnants of the balloon hanging motionless in the air in front of me. There was complete silence. The program on the television stood frozen and I was confused and afraid.

I held out my arms to my mother, expecting her to come and pick me up and comfort me from the shock but she never moved.

I took a deep breath in readiness for bawling and the tension north of my stomach relaxed, and everything started again.

For weeks after I played with this ability. Tensing this new muscle, as children are wont to do. As a toddler, though, I had a low attention span and a world where nothing moved and where there was nothing to do, was of little interest. I found a new interest that was far more entertaining than a silent still world and I forgot all about it.

I suppose I must have had shocks since that day of the balloon popping, but nothing triggered this now forgotten, and dormant ability. It was a shame really, as looking back there were times it would have been more than handy, but it didn’t surface again until my thirtieth birthday when I was to receive the shock of my life, but we will come back to that in a little while.

First, let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Phil, and I am, after a lot of work a CNS (Clinical Nurse Specialist) working in a busy ED just outside Philadelphia.

“What is a CNS?” I hear you ask. Good question – it’s like a normal nurse – with extended scope of practice. I can do some small surgical procedures, order a certain number of investigations and prescribe some medications, all without the intervention of a doctor, and while working in the ED. The idea is that the CNS can deal with the mundane stuff and leave the MDs to deal with the serious stuff. That being said, I am pre-hospital, advanced trauma, and ALS certified so if I am first on scene at a trauma or medical emergency, I can deal with it until other expert help arrives.

Why did I become a nurse? Well, I kind of fell into it. I originally was going to do something with electronics or computers (I am a bit of a gadget freak and geek) but after a motorbike accident that left me on traction for nearly three months, I kind of got institutionalized and liked the hospital environment. When I was up and walking again, I decided to investigate becoming a nurse, as I had neither the grades nor the inclination to become a doctor. So off to nursing school I went.

Now let’s dispense with the stereotypes, despite what you may think or read in the press, not all male nurses are gay. However, my new roommate, Steve, was.

You couldn’t tell by looking at him, he was not what you would call a screaming queen, he stood about an inch taller than my 5’10 was slender of build but not skinny. He had medium-length brown hair which looked like it had a lot of product in it. I imagined it took a lot of time in front of the mirror to maintain that casual tousled look.

I knew Steve was gay immediately. I don’t have some advanced gaydar and he wasn’t wearing a sign, but it was how he introduced himself. He held his hand out to shake mine and said,

“Hi, I’m Steve. I’m Gay.” There was a challenge in his eyes, some aggression, and I thought I saw a slight touch of fear.

I shook his hand.

“Ok, so I guess we need some rules,” I said.

He seemed to slump a little, but I continued.

“I will be your wingman if needed and promise not to hit on any of the boys you take a liking to if you, in turn, step up as my wingman sometimes, and leave any girls I am interested in, to me.”

He smiled “Deal!”

“I’m Phil, by the way.”

And just like that, I gained a roommate who would go on to become my best friend.

It was partway through our second year when Steve got back to the room in the early evening. He had disappeared immediately after class, and I was reading up on the lymphatic system when he came barrelling in.

“Hi,” he said.

From experience I knew he had something he wanted to ask or tell me. I looked at him, it amused me not to say anything when he was like this. He wanted something from me, and I was going to make him work for it.

“So,” he said. “You know that Friday we were going to go to Flanagan’s?”

We had got into a routine of alternate weekends picking our venue for entertainment and possibly romance. One week it would be Flanagan’s, a quasi-Irish bar that was a favorite for both students from the nursing school and also the local college. Rich pickings for an unattached student looking for some company. The next week it would be the Blue Spot, which was the place favored by those who followed an alternative lifestyle. Both places were lively and clean, sold reasonably cheap beer but no hard liquor, and had live music (and in the case of the blue spot sometimes drag acts) every Friday night.

I don’t know why, but it had just not occurred to us that we should go out separately. I had had some small success at Flanagan’s but other than getting laid a couple of times was not attached to anyone. Steve was also similarly unattached but had far more success at the Blue Spot, and I lost count of the times I went home from there alone while he disappeared off with some guy or other. We had neither of us said that we wouldn’t bring people back to our place, but he just never did, although he was cool with me, on the very odd occasion I brought a girl back.

“Yeeessss?” I drew the word out while looking at him over the top of my textbook.

“Would you mind very much if we switched and went to the blue spot this week instead?”

I raised an eyebrow. I had no preference as I was not really looking just now but I was enjoying making him sweat.

“Why?” I asked, “What’s different about this week?”

“There’s a new drag act and I hear she’s really good,” He enthused.

I smiled slightly, “And I suppose that Daniel saying he might be there, has nothing to do with it?”

He blushed slightly but grinned.

“So, if you have a date, why do you need a wingman? I’m happy to fly solo if you are otherwise occupied.” I asked

“It’s not a date, I just heard him say last week he might be back, and I need backup. I haven’t even spoken to him yet. Please?”

“What’s it worth”

“I’ll give you a blowjob?”

I laughed. This had become a stock response of his whenever he asked for a favor, and no, I never took him up on it.

“Fine,” I said, and he started towards me as if he were going to deliver on his promise.

I laughed again, waving him off. “Get out of here you slut!”

He grinned, flopped onto one of the other chairs, and picked up a book from the side table. We spent the rest of the evening studying.

Friday came around and Steve spent even more time in front of the mirror prior to going out. I, true to form, just showered and threw on some Jeans and a t-shirt. I had a fondness for t’s with either riddles or jokes on the front and had a collection. Tonight’s read “If people could read my mind ... I’d get punched in the face a lot!!!”

We managed to score a table near the back of the bar and started in on our beers.

A short time later it was Steve’s round, and he went to the bar.

“Hi.” A guy planted himself into Steve’s chair.

It was not the first time that I had been hit on in here. But since I had been coming here for almost eighteen months now most of the regulars knew me and knew I wasn’t interested.

“Hi,” I said.

“I’m Daniel,”

Oh Shit!

Please don’t tell me that the object of Steve’s lust was coming on to me, not good.

“I know,” I said. “I’m Phil. And before things go any further, I need to tell you I’m not gay.”

“I know,” he said smiling. “I was hoping I could persuade you to let me spend some time with your friend.”

I noticed Steve coming back from the bar carrying two beers and his eyes widened when he saw Daniel sitting with me.

“Hey Steve,” I shouted to him over the noise “Daniel here has asked if he can cut in. What do you think?”

“Bye Phil. Thanks for coming,” he responded, handing me a beer.

I laughed and got up from the table. “Nice meeting you,” I said to Daniel and wandered to the bar to drink my beer.

“Why does an obviously heterosexual man, keep coming to a gay bar?”

The voice in my ear was low and sultry and I turned to regard who had spoken.

It was the eyes that captured my attention, bright green and showing a degree of appraisal. they (remember I’m in an alternative lifestyle bar so using gender-neutral pronouns until I’m sure) were about 5’ 3” with Dark Auburn hair, a slender build but with curves in all the right places. Their breasts weren’t huge, I would guesstimate b or c cup at most. They had a slim waist flaring into some very nice curves, and legs that seemed too long for their height.

Her eyes flicked to my t-shirt, and she smiled.

“So!” they said, “If I could read your mind right now, what would it say?”

I looked at them for a second before replying. “If you are a guy, or trans, I think you might have just turned me.”

They laughed.

“I’m Bonnie,” they said, “and I’m natural-born female.”

I grinned. “Phil,” I responded.

“So,” I continued “to answer your first question, I come to a gay bar because my roomie who is currently attempting to eat that guy’s face over there is a slut and cannot go for more than 14 days without getting some strange.”

“And are you not enough to keep him occupied?” she asked.

I laughed. “We are roomies, nothing more. And despite his habit of regularly offering me blowjobs, he is not my type”

“Maybe you should take him up on one, you might find you like it.”

I shook my head. “While the thought does not repel me like a younger me would have thought it would, it also doesn’t really interest me. I’m also not sure he’s serious either. So that’s my reason for being here, what’s yours?”

She smiled. “Well,” she said, “it’s one of the only places in town I can come and not be constantly hit on by jock types, they wouldn’t be seen dead in here, and besides there are also a lot of cute girls.”

“Ah,” I said with some disappointment. Stupidly the thought that she might be gay hadn’t really occurred to me.

She laughed again. “Ah?” she quirked an eyebrow

“Just my luck.” I replied “I find the most amazing-looking woman in town, and it turns out she is not interested in men”

“Who said I wasn’t interested in men?” she asked. “Just because I occasionally like to play with a cute girl, doesn’t mean I’m not interested in cute guys also. And I’m definitely interested in a particular cute guy tonight.”

A couple of beers and two hours later we were back in my room (Steve had gone to Daniel’s) trying to devour each other.

And that is how both Steve, and I began our relationship on the same night.

Bonnie was also a student, studying forensic anthropology and she would come around at least 3 times a week to “study” or go out with me but never on a Friday. That was ‘Girl’s Night’, and she would go out with her other friends.

Since Steve and Daniel were now exclusive, Steve spent a lot of time at Daniel’s place. Daniel was a cop and had his own house. On the nights when Daniel was working and Bonnie wasn’t over, Steve and I would spend the evening either studying or watching TV Together, and so passed the next year.

We were coming up to the end of our final year and had been studying hard when Steve suggested that we go out since it was something we hadn’t done for a long while and we could do with a break. Bonnie was on a girl’s night and Daniel was on shift.

I wasn’t overly keen since I had been using my Friday nights to catch up on my studying since my study time in the week had been severely curtailed by my other extra-curricular activities with Bonnie.

“C’mon,” he said, “we haven’t had a guy’s night in ages just us two? I’ll give you...” he began

“Fine!” I interrupted him. “I don’t think Daniel would be too happy you giving out blowjobs any more, I thought you and he were exclusive now?”

“You’re an exception,” he replied with a grin, and I wasn’t entirely sure he was kidding.

“He’s a good guy,” I said “and you guys seem to be going somewhere. Don’t screw it up for a little side action.”

“No chance of that,” he replied. “You should see the size of his...”

I put my fingers in my ears “LALALALALA Not Listening.”

Steve grinned. “Come on, I’m buying the first round!”

We hadn’t discussed where we were going, so of course, we ended up at the Blue Spot which was absolutely heaving this close to end of term.

We grabbed our beer and looked around for somewhere to sit.

I spotted Bonnie almost immediately sitting with a couple of her friends, but purposely didn’t go over to her. This was her girl’s night out and I didn’t want to make her feel like I was stalking her or trying to muscle in on her time with her friends. I turned back to the bar and picked up my beer as the first live act started.

When I next looked over toward bonnie things had changed. She was getting very close to the girl sitting to one side of her and as I watched they began to kiss. I had an overwhelming sense of disappointment. I guess we had never discussed exclusivity, but I had assumed that since we had been dating for so long it was kind of implied. I was obviously wrong.

As I watched things got even heavier as I saw the girl slip her hands down the front of Bonnie’s jeans and begin to play with her. Bonnie turned her head to the girl to her other side, who had her hand up Bonnie’s shirt stroking her tits and began to kiss her deeply also. Bonnie’s jeans were unbuttoned, and the hand down there was working her hard and she was bucking her hips in obvious appreciation of the attention.

I saw Steve look at me and then look to where I was watching.

“You Perv!!” he said. “What would Bonnie think of you watching a couple of girls getting off like that?” he grinned at me. He hadn’t recognized Bonnie.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Let’s ask her.” I picked up my untouched beer and walked towards the table with Steve in tow. As we approached, I heard Steve gasp as he realized who was there.

We arrived just as Bonnie came, grunting her orgasm and trying not to scream out in the club, her eyes closed.

As I approached the table the girl with her hand down the front of Bonnie’s jeans looked up at me with some scorn on her face.

“Did you get your jollies watching, perv?” she asked, “What?” she continued when I made no response, “Were you hoping that you might get some next?”

“No,” I replied, “I just thought Bonnie might like a drink after cumming so hard, it looked like a good one.” I placed the beer on the table in front of her.

Bonnie’s eyes snapped open as I turned to walk back to the bar

“Oh, Shit!” I heard her say “Phil. Wait!!”

I walked past the bar and straight out of the club.

I wasn’t sure if she would try and follow me, and I wasn’t particularly interested in having a conversation just then, so I ducked into the alley to the side of the club and walked through to the adjacent block before jumping on a bus which was conveniently just about to pull away from the stop. I didn’t know where it was going but it was going somewhere that was not here, so that was good enough for me.

My phone rang as the bus pulled away and I looked at the caller Id, Bonnie, I rejected the call. It rang again, still Bonnie, Rejected. After the third call, I turned my phone off.

I rode the bus for about an hour, not really paying attention as to where it was going, just thinking about what to do next.

I was a fool, I decided. She had said at the outset that she was bi, why would I even dream that she would be satisfied with me alone? This was all my fault, and I had no right to demand exclusivity from her. I was being selfish.

I really thought that she was the one. I had seriously thought of asking her to marry me once I was qualified and earning a wage. I had dreamed of the house, car, and two kids and growing old together the whole nine yards. Bonnie was a free spirit I had no right to try and cage but I couldn’t be involved in that. I needed someone for me, who would love me as much as I loved her and want to be with me and me alone. I never really liked sharing my toys.

I realized we had reached the end of the line when the driver switched the engine off. I had no idea where I was, but I climbed off the bus and looked around.

I turned on my phone to use Google maps and found I was about 4 miles from our room. As soon as I turned it on, I got a notification of a dozen calls and several text messages.

The ones from Bonnie I deleted without reading. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

There were several from Steve asking where I was and if I was OK. I called him.

“Hey, Steve!”

“Hi, Phil. Where are you?”

“At the bus station downtown.”

“What are you doing all the way out there?” he asked,

“This is where the bus stopped.”

“Give me a minute and I’ll call you back,” he said and hung up.

Five minutes later my phone rang again, Steve

“Hi, Steve.”

“Stay put.” he said, “Dan is coming to get you.”

“I thought he was working tonight,” I said.

“He is but he’s on solo patrol and he’s not far from you so look for a black and white.”

As he said this, I heard a chirp from a police car and Daniel pulled up next to me

“Hop in,” he said.

I climbed into the passenger seat, and he set off.

“Want to talk?” he asked.

“Not really” I replied. And we sat in silence for the next fifteen minutes or so.

He picked up his radio and called in to say he was taking his meal break but would be available if needed, as he pulled up outside a house.

“Where are we?” I asked.

“My Place,” he said. “We thought you might like to stay off the radar for a little while until you get your head together.”

“We?” I asked.

“Steve and I, he’s waiting for us inside, C’mon.”

As we walked into the house Daniel got a call and had to go.

Steve sat me on the sofa and put a coffee in my hand.

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Stupid,” I said. “I should have realized that I wouldn’t be enough for her. I knew she was bi when we met why would I ever think she would give that up for me?”

“No!” he said. “This is not on you. She let you believe that you had a relationship and implied exclusivity. The fact that she was cheating with a woman rather than a man is not the issue. It’s still cheating.”

“But did she?” I asked. “We never discussed it, I just assumed. She can’t be held responsible for my assumptions.”

He sighed, “Damn, you really fell hard for her. What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I can’t really see a way forward. I doubt she is going to give up her girlfriends and I’m not someone who can have a relationship with someone who isn’t wholly in a relationship with me. I’m just not wired that way. I guess I’m just too selfish.”

“Never say that,” he said taking my hand.

“It’s not selfish to want someone to love you. We all do. I’m just not sure that Bonnie is that person for you. But maybe if you talk to her and tell her how you feel she may be up for that kind of relationship. Hell, if she feels half as much for you as you do for her, she will be happy about it. Maybe she just didn’t know how serious you were about her?”

I looked at him

“You think?”

My phone rang again, Bonnie.

I decided to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Phil Where are you?” she asked, she sounded both annoyed and a little relieved.

“I’m just with Steve. What did you need.”

“We need to talk, I can explain.”

“There’s nothing for you to explain Bonnie. I guess I wanted to forget you were interested in girls as well as guys. I assumed, and that’s on me not you. I’m sorry if I spoiled your evening.”

“Can we meet?”

“Not tonight, I’m really tired but how about we meet in the coffee shop on campus tomorrow?”

“I can come to yours now. I’m not far away,” she tried.

“I’m not at home,” I replied.

“I thought you said you were with Steve?”

“I am, but not at our place. Look I’ll see you tomorrow. How about twelve?”

“Okay,” she said, sounding a little subdued “I’ll see you there.”

I ended the call.

I spent the night in Daniel’s spare room but woke early when Daniel came into the room with a coffee after his shift at seven.

He sat on the edge of the bed.

“How you doing?” he asked.

“I’m okay,” I said a little thickly, still not fully awake.

I sat up and took a sip of the coffee. It didn’t go unnoticed that Daniel checked out my chest and abs as I sat up and it made me smile a little.

“You two were made for each other,” I said. “You’re both a pair of letches.”

He grinned.

“Glad to see you back on form,” he said, “Now I’m going for a shower and then to get some sleep I had a busy night. Unless...” he said.

“Unless?”

“Unless you want me to take care of that morning wood for you?” He grinned again.

“STEVE!!!” I yelled, “Save me from your predatory boyfriend.”

“Save you?” Steve shouted back. “I sent him in there. I’ve had no success with you I thought he might have better luck.”

I laughed, feeling much better about things.

“Go get your shower.” I said to Dan, “Shouldn’t there be donuts with this coffee?”

“In the kitchen,” he said as he got up and left the room.

I used the guest shower and then went into the kitchen to finish my coffee and snag one of the donuts Dan had brought home.

Shortly after Steve and Dan joined me.

“Thanks for last night guys,” I said.

“Anytime,” Dan said.

“Hey!” said Steve. “It’s what best friends are for.”

“I’m going to head out so I’m not in your way,” I said picking up my jacket.

“Oh no,” said Dan. “Take him with you,” he said pointing at Steve. “I need sleep and if he stays, I won’t get any.”

“You’ll definitely get some,” said Steve, “but not much sleep.” he grinned.

I rolled my eyes.

“Come on you horndog,” I said grabbing Steve’s arm, “let the poor man get his rest.”

“Can you wait while I get a quick shower?” asked Steve.

“As long as it’s quick. Dan has already had his, so you’ll have to shower alone.” I grinned.

Steve pouted and then moved to kiss Dan.

“I’ll be in the living room when you are ready,” I said and started to leave the kitchen.

“You prude,” Steve laughed as they broke apart.

“Now you know that’s not true,” I said. “You have heard the noises coming from my room when Bonnie is over, I’m just not really into watching other people. I never really have been. Even porn really does nothing for me.”

“So, it’s not because it was two guys?” he asked. Although it was said in a teasing manner, I could see a hint of vulnerability in his eyes.

Daniel just looked at us.

I walked over to Steve.

“How long have you known me?” I asked.

“Just short of 3 years, why?” he responded.

“And in that time, have I ever given you any cause to think that I have any problems with your sexuality?”

He looked down “No,” he said.

“So why would you even ask such a thing?” I asked.

“You just looked uncomfortable when Dan and I kissed. I thought...”

I looked at Daniel.

“Dan, I’m sorry but I’m going to have to prove this to him once and for all,” I said.

Steve looked from Dan to me with a confused look on his face.

Dan gave a small nod.

I grabbed the front of Steve’s jacket, pulled him to me, and kissed him.

It wasn’t a long kiss, no more than a few seconds, and it felt a little strange to me. I had never kissed a guy before, and he hadn’t shaved today. But as kisses go it wasn’t the worst I ever had.

We broke the kiss and I looked at him. His eyes were wide.

“Now do you believe me?” I asked.

He nodded mutely.

“Sorry Dan, it won’t happen again,” I said

“Hey,” he said, “I thought it was hot.”

“Shower,” Steve said and left the kitchen.

“He loves you; you know,” Daniel said after he had gone

“What?” I said, “Daniel no, I...”

He put his hand on my shoulder

“Hush,” he said, “I’m not worried. It’s more like a big brother love, although he would take you to bed in an instant If you offered. He comes from a small town, and I think when he met you, you were the first person to accept him for who he was and not look at him like some kind of abomination. Your opinion really matters to him so when he thought you were uncomfortable with us kissing, it bothered him.”

“I would do exactly the same no matter who was kissing,” I said. “It’s not a spectator sport for me. I’m happy enough to play but I’m really not interested in watching.”

“I think you proved that,” he said smiling, “and I think you also proved that you have similar feelings for him. I can’t see many hetero guys doing what you did just to prove your point.”

“I could see it bothered him and I couldn’t think of a better way to illustrate it to him.”

“And so, you prove my point,” he smiled.

“I’m not trying to get between you guys,” I said.

“I know,” he said lightly, “although neither of us would object to having you between us.” He grinned. “How often has he offered you a blowjob? Drunk and sober?”

I laughed, “I’ve lost count. It’s become an in-joke. I’m not sure he even means it anymore. It’s just something to say, but I never...”

“I know you didn’t. And I know there are plenty of so-called straight guys who would have, and still looked down on him for who he was. You respect him, and me, and us. I can see clearly that it makes absolutely no difference to you that we are gay, and you do not feel in any way threatened by it.”

Steve came back into the kitchen and looked at us both.

“You two look serious,” he said, “Dan I don’t think he...”

“It’s fine,” Dan replied. “We’re all good.”

He crossed over to Steve and gave him a quick peck on the cheek then turned him around and swatted him on the ass. “Now scoot. I need to sleep.”

It was about a thirty-minute walk back to our rooms from Dan’s house and we walked in silence, each lost in our own thoughts.

Finally, he spoke, “Have you decided what you are going to do?”

“I’ll just see what Bonnie says,” I replied, “As I said I made some assumptions, and I was wrong. We either need to go our own ways or we need to be up front about where we stand.”

“What do you think she will do?”

“I have no idea,” I said.

“Whatever happens,” he said, “remember we are here for you.”

“Thanks. It means a lot.”

Bonnie wasn’t alone when she arrived at the coffee shop.

I had been there for about ten minutes and had got our usual drinks. I wasn’t expecting her to bring anyone with her.

The girl that came with her was the girl from the club, who had called me a pervert.

They sat down at the table.

“Sorry,” I said to the girl, “I wasn’t expecting anyone else. Can I get you something?”

“Just a latte is fine,” she said looking embarrassed.

After I got her drink and returned to the table, I looked at Bonnie and her companion.

“I’m Angela,” the new girl broke the silence. “Listen I’m sorry about what I called you last night. I didn’t know who you were and...”

“Hey don’t apologize. I can imagine you get a lot of guys hitting on you in those circumstances. You weren’t to know. I’m glad you were having a good time.”

“Then why did you get all bent out of shape?” asked Bonnie. “Why storm out of the club and ignore my calls?”

“It was a shock seeing you like that is all,” I replied.

“But you knew I was into boys and girls when we first hooked up. It was one of the first things we spoke about.”

“I know,” I said lightly, “I guess I just assumed that since we had been dating so long that we had become exclusive. That’s my mistake and I can only apologize for that.”

“But we are exclusive. I haven’t been with another guy since we got together.”

“It’s fine. We never discussed it so I can’t really blame you for my not understanding the situation.” I continued with the light tone.

“So, we’re okay?” Asked Bonnie.

“Define okay,” I said. “Friends? Certainly”

“Friends? We are more than friends,” she replied.

“No, I don’t think we can be more than friends anymore,” I said, “You see, we seem to have different ideas on what exclusive means. To me exclusive means you and me and nobody else in the relationship. No matter their sex or gender identity. Your definition just seems to mean no other guys. I know we spoke about your liking guys and girls and if just being with a guy is not enough for you, then Friends is all we ever can be.”