Chapter 29

“That scream of his is something that will haunt me forever.”

“My God, you were right, this fish is amazing,” Amy said. “And I don’t even like plaice all that much. I prefer cod. But this...” She popped another piece of fish in her mouth and closed her eyes to savour the taste.

“I remember the first time I tried it. I was shocked—I don’t think I’d ever tasted fish this fresh.”

They ate in a small cove by the foot of Westmouth Hill at the western end of the beach. It was cut off from the rest of the beach by some rocks and yet the sand was as soft and golden as everywhere else. Will kept a blanket in his car for warmth in emergencies and they’d spread it out on the sand. He’d bought them both cans of Coke to wash down the fish and chips with.

“So,” said Will when he only had a few chips left in the polystyrene tray. “What are these things you have to tell me?”

Amy still had over half her chips left. She sighed. “This is going to be very difficult for me, William. So, you’ll have to be patient.”

He nodded.

“And it will be easier if I can get it all out in one go, so don’t interrupt.”

“I’ll try.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she looked Will in the eye and said, “You think I’m too thin.” It wasn’t a question. Will opened his mouth to reply but she cut him off. “Don’t try and deny it, William. It’s written all over your face whenever you look at me.” She half-smiled. “Your eyes have always been so expressive. I can read your every thought in them. It’s as if they’re a wide-open book with very, very large print.”

“I just ... It’s not like ... I mean ... Look, you’re not as horribly skinny as some of the big Hollywood stars but ... I don’t remember being able to see your ribcage.”

“I know. I know. The truth is...” She took a deep breath. “I’m anorexic. Or I was. It’s been under control for a long, long time, but ... At my worst, I lost a lot of weight. At one point I was over half what I am now.”

“That’s ... I had no idea. Was it...? I mean...”

“Your fault? No. I guess us breaking up was part of the trigger but ... Look, this goes back a lot further than us breaking up. Truth be told, I’ve had a poor body image ever since I was about ten or eleven—before I even moved to Westmouth. Sounds crazy, I know. After all, when we were at school the girls all wanted to be me and the boys all wanted to be with me. Right? But I lived most of my adolescence teetering on the edge of anorexia. I guess there were only two things that kept me on the right side.”

“What were they?”

“Lizzie was one. She was a godsend.”

“And the other?”

She smiled. “Who do you think?” She reached out to touch his hand. “When we first met back in the third year, I swear, the way you looked at me...” She shook her head. “No one had ever looked at me like that before. Or since. It was ... I can’t explain it, William, but it made me quiver. It still does. I know we were only fourteen but...” She squeezed his hand. “I suppose the best way I can describe it is that even though I knew I was pretty, after all, everyone always told me so, yet even though I knew that, I never felt pretty. Except for when you looked at me. The only times in my entire life when I really felt beautiful, were when you looked at me.”

She looked him in the eye and added, “Even now you make me feel beautiful.”

She withdrew her hand and looked at the ground. She picked up another chip from the tray and held it out in front of her. “I know what you’re thinking. You thinking that it’s a bit odd, me sitting here telling you I had this eating disorder while I’m tucking into fish and chips.” She ate it. “But you haven’t heard the half of it.”

Will watched her. He’d promised not to interrupt and he didn’t intend to.

She gave him another half-smile. “Thing is, as good as you made me feel, I felt bad because you did nothing about it.”

“But that wasn’t you.” He’d tried not to say anything, but he couldn’t help himself. “That was about me. I didn’t think—”

“I know that now. But back then?” She shrugged. “The only reason my mind could entertain was that I was fat. I wasn’t, but I’d look in the mirror and see this huge big...” She held her hands wide apart, puffed out her cheeks and shook her head. “That’s where Lizzie came in. She was your best friend. She knew you better than I did and she kept telling me that I just had to wait it out, that you’d pluck up the courage in your own time. Of course, I didn’t expect it to take you nearly five years, but still ... She told me to keep thinking about the way you looked at me and not why you hadn’t asked me out.”

“I didn’t know it was so obvious. The way I looked at you, I mean.”

“It was. Everyone knew how you felt, William. You must have known that.”

“I do now.” He sighed. “So, you avoided ... I mean, you were okay during your school years. I suppose it started after we broke up.”

She nodded. “It’s my own fault. I should have listened to Lizzie instead of writing you that stupid letter. I should have got on the train and gone to see you. But instead ... I was ready to give it all up for you, William. I’d have dropped out and gone to live with you in Oxford if you’d asked.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was my fault. Not yours. Anyway, after I’d accepted that you weren’t interested—”

“That’s not—”

She held up a hand to stop him. “I know, but that’s what I thought at the time and you must understand how I was thinking. It’s important that you do.” She put her hands back in her lap. “After I’d accepted you weren’t interested, I locked myself away. Didn’t eat. Didn’t talk to anyone. I decided that the reason was, you guessed it, because I was fat. So, I set about dieting. And Lizzie was still in Walminster and couldn’t stop me. Then I started drinking more than I should have and going out more than I should have and picking up more men than I should have ... Guys wanted me and I told myself it was because I’d lost weight. So I lost more weight. The more weight I lost, the more guys I got so the more weight I lost.