I sat there on the toilet, looking a the white plastic stick in my hand. Finally the egg timer on the counter dinged, and I raised it up and took a look at it. And just as I afraid of, there was a pink cross in it.

“Shit!” I softly said to myself, now what was I going to do? The last several years had been slowly looking up for me. And now I had a great job, and a great boyfriend. OK, he was actually my paramour as our relationship was, complicated. He gave me things, like this cute little bungalow in Reseda I was living in. It was not in a bad neighborhood, and I had a decent car for a change. A nice practical Toyota Previa, that made moving things around offices much easier than my Civic, or my Yugo before that.

But I had skipped my last period, and my second was approaching and I had yet to feel any of the warning signs. And I felt myself starting to cry a little bit, why this, why now? But I got myself back together, and called my doctor. He arranged for me to come in the next day for some tests, then to try and arrange for me to see an OBGYN.

But I finally took care of everything, and got the office opened on time. I took care of business, but mostly on autopilot. My mind swirling with what I had confirmed to myself that morning. Finally, I went home, made dinner, then took a long hot bath. And as I laid in the water, I tried to imagine what my belly would look like, all swollen out with the baby inside. Then I felt terrified, for what that could actually mean, for my baby.

I had already called the main office the day before, and at 10 another receptionist came in and I left for my appointment. I got to the office promptly, gave some blood, peed in a cup, then sat and waited. Finally my doctor called me in, and we went over the results.

“Well, you were right. You are indeed pregnant. How far along do you think you are?”

“Well, I missed my last period, and should be about to start my next one. So, eight to ten weeks I figure.”

“OK, it’s still early. Unplanned, I take it?”

“Yes! Oh god, yes! We had been using prophylactics for years now. But that was only for him, he told me he had a vasectomy. And he is the only man I am intimate with, I felt that dropping my pills was fine, no reason to keep taking them.”

Then came the part I was most worried about. “OK, your count is still undetectable, so practically zero. So the risk of transmission to your baby is almost zero. But I want you in each week after this for a test. And in the final trimester I am going to step you up to a more aggressive anti-viral. But other than that, the odds of transmission today are actually less than 1% in a case like yours. But let me work on your referral to an OBGYN that specialized in cases like yours.”

I asked about the risk to my partner, and he smiled. “I’m glad you are thinking of him, Linda. Encourage him to get tested. But the risk is low, to be honest. With your current viral count and that you were using protection, odds are that he is just fine. We have learned a lot more about HIV in the last few years. For example, so long as your count is this low the risk of passing it to your partner is almost none. But please, continue to use protection.”

I let out a sigh of relief on the way home, the appointment with the next doctor in my purse. Now the rough part, telling my lover. We had been together for years now. First as my boss and occasional lover, then I basically became his mistress. Good pay, a little extra spending money, company car, and a place of my own. In addition to kick-ass medical insurance. But I never told him my darkest secret. But now he had to know the truth.

And resting my hand on my belly, he deserved to know the truth for more than one reason.

I managed to get through the rest of the week, and Judy came by on Friday to pick up the checks and paperwork. I smiled and reported to her the monthly rentals were at 90% occupancy, and to remind Pavel that I would be here this weekend as there was an event. And I was taking Monday and Tuesday off. She said she would remind him, and with a wave was off again.

Judy was a sweetie, and a cutie. But as my brother-in-law said, I now made it a firm policy to stay away from clients and co-workers. Other than my boss, but he was a special exception.

That weekend it was a small convention in the meeting area for of all things knitting. Booths set up selling yarn, needles, hooks, books of patterns, all kinds of things like that. I even listened in as one guy gave a presentation on the stage about how he could make all of the girls who followed his technique the best hookers around. And I could not help but snicker, thinking that to do that they only had to go a few miles west and hang out on the street.

Finally at 6 I locked up, having chased out the last of the people and was checking to make sure everybody was out. I had just finished walking through the building and found nobody when I heard a knocking on the door. Looking at my watch, I smiled to myself. 6:35, if nothing else he was very punctual. I turned off all the lights, and unlocked and opened the front door. And my boss came in and took me into his arms, giving me a deep kiss.

After several minutes, he must have sensed that I was not responding how I usually did, and pulled back slightly. “Linda, you OK? Been long day, or is something wrong for you?” I kissed his lips softly, then took his hand and led him back to the lounge in the back.

This was something he had put in a few weeks after I took over this location. Ostensibly it was now a lounge for clients to relax in. A bookcase with reference books and on the bottom shelf books for reading that anybody to take. Two couches, and a love seat along with tables and a lamp finished the look. A nice place for informal meetings, or to just relax for a bit.

But my lover saw me go to the couch and take a seat instead of pulling it out, so he got immediately it was a time to talk, not to make love. I took his hand into mine, and after taking a long shuddering breath, I told him everything I had been keeping hidden from him. My disease, my current status, and what little risk there was.

“Honey, that is why I insisted we always use condoms. It was not to protect me, it was to protect you.”

I could tell he was a bit indignant, and asked me how long I had known. I sighed, and said I had learned before I started working for him. And I could tell that surprised him. “So long as that? I say, you in good shape for having AIDS for that long, sure you are of this?”

“Pavel, I have HIV, I do NOT have AIDS. One means I have the virus, the other means the virus has won the battle with my body and I am dying. As I told you, my virus count is practically zero. So long as I continue to take my medication, there is almost no risk.”

“OK, this I accept. You are healthy, a very healthy girl. But why to tell me this now, after so many years a secret?”

I took a breath, and laughed softly. “Pavel Mikhailovich, I am not the only one keeping secrets. Yes I never told you, but at least I have not told an actual lie.” I could see his back straighten up, and I remembered that one of the few things that would get him mad was to call his honor into question. He cheated on his wife, kept me as his mistress, bankrolled at least three porn companies, but his honor to him was of utmost importance.

“Pavel, this is why you need to know this. I have told you before, I have not been with another man in years. It has been over two years in fact. It has been you, and only you. And you told me long ago you had a vasectomy. So moy dorogoy, would you care to explain how I am now pregnant?”

His head did indeed jerk up at that, and after looking into my eyes, he actually turned his eyes away from mine! God, did I finally actually catch him in an outright lie? He gave a long sigh, and held me tight. “Yes, my darling, I admit it, I lie about that. We use rubber each time, as you demand. You ask one time when you think of stop taking pill, I think go ahead, what harm in that if we use rubber each time? But we both forget that not perfect, accidents they will happen.”

He then asked me what that I would do, and I looked into his eyes. “Pavel, I already talked it over with my doctors. And don’t you say a word, I am having our baby. They both told me the risk is under 1%, actually less than half a percent that the baby will get what I have. That is actually a lower risk than many birth defects. And no, I will make no demands of you. Other than simply letting me keep my job. I still have money coming in from Rocco. But I need the insurance, now not only for but also for my baby. If you insist, all I ask is that you keep me on until a year after the birth. And if you want, at that point we will get out of your life forever.”

He looked at me stunned, and surprised me when he took me in his arms and held me tight. He pulled my head to his chest and stroked my hair, and whispered he did not want that. “Your news, I admit surprise me, prepared not for this. But it answer many questions, and you will not ever need to worry, my little Linda. No, you stay with me, please. I not fire you, I even pay you more. No, you no protest, is not about money. Baby is mine too, yes? Yes, you actually make me happy with this. Is not expected but is good news I think. But yes, there to be changes now.”

He then stunned me. After having me lock up the complex he insisted we go to my house. He got there a few minutes after I did, with a big bucket of chicken. I went ahead and got out of my work clothes and into a long T that I often slept in, and we cuddled on the couch and talked. Then went into my bedroom and made love.

Afterwards he called an associate and after a few minutes talking in Russian he hung up. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, but knew to ask nothing. A few minutes later he got a call, and after another conversation in Russian made a kissing noise into the phone and hung up.

“There, tonight all taken care of. One of my associates call my house, tell wife I am needed in Corona for problem with mall there I am part owner of. She just call me to tell me that, I say Corona so far I might not be back tonight. She encourage me to get motel.” He then chuckled, saying “This secret I learn long ago. Get other to suggest something, that way they not think I doing something behind their back.”

I smiled and nodded, as indeed Pavel was good at that. One of the most honest men I knew, but at the same time he could be as twisted as a snake. And as I had discovered early on in our relationship, he could talk me into almost anything. But with gentle pushes and nudges, never outright giving me an order.

After cuddling some more we made love again, then as he held me tight in bed and he gently prompted me. And I told him about the period of time between when I left Rocco, and I appeared at his office. The change from high class out-call escort to common street walker, and the return to drugs. And essentially being what I had thought was my boyfriend and later I realized he was my pimp made me the “party favor” at parties he threw for his biker gang.

“So what, these like Hell’s Angels we talking about? Not many I know in that community. But maybe I should find them, if you get then they should know also, no?”

“Oh Pavel my love, it could have been then, or after that. And no, they were not part of a big gang like the Angels or Mongols. They were proudly independent, some kids that grew up together in Oxnard mostly. Xavier was their leader, and I did look a bit after I got cleaned up. After Xav got blown away they just scattered. I drove to see one after I got my things out of our place that night, but they had all vanished already. Probably back to Oxnard.”

He then asked me who else was involved, and I sighed. “This was a while ago now, and I was high on meth during a lot of it. Let’s see. The one I was with most was Dozer, also called Nick. He was the drug cooker of the gang and basically Xavier’s assistant pimp. He would sometimes drive me to and from the streets where I worked. Then Picker, also known as Josh. He mostly stole bikes and sold the parts for money. Leonardo or Leo was their artist. I think he was queer, but his eyes were so pretty, that I do remember. But he was Japanese and I have always had a soft spot for Asians.”

“Wait, this gang, they have minorities?”

“Oh yes, Pavel. Like I said, less gang than school friends. Xavier was Mexican, one of the guys that came a lot to the parties was not even a biker. Smokey was a big black dude from south central LA that provided them with weed.” I told him about as many as I could remember, mostly just their gang names as I rarely knew their real names. About having to walk over three miles home when nobody picked me up and seeing cop cars all over outside. And the cops telling me that Xavier had been blown away.

“Was it other gang? They want his territory?”

“Oh no, nothing like that. I was not Xavier’s only girl, he also had a girlfriend named Esmeralda also. A cute little Mexican girl, could not have been over 17 I don’t think. Barely spoke English, all of our interactions were in what little Spanish I knew. Well, after a few weeks Xavier turned her over to the gang to use also. And, well, her father found out. And tracked Xavier down where we lived. From what I have heard, he blew his chest, head, and pecker off with a shotgun then they all ran away to Mexico.”

Pavel actually smiled. “Yes, that appropriate. If I find some piece if shit do that to my daughter, I do the same thing. But I shoot twice in dick, then laugh as he bleed to death. You say they get you on speed?”

I sighed and nodded. “Remember, I had a crack addiction once. Also was using pot like a fiend. Ecstasy, uppers, downers, I went through most of them. But after I got busted and got clean, and Sherry told me she would leave me if I ever went back.”

I shuddered and cried a bit, thinking of my love for her. “And I did, but in exchange became an alcoholic. I got clean from that too, but had already left Rocco and she was doing my old job. So I did the only thing I knew how to do to make a living, I returned to out-call for that company in Studio City. Then, well you know the in between now. The first party was a few of Xavier’s friends, and it was not like I had never been in a gangbang before. Then at the second party I was getting worn out, and Dozer gave me a drink that had speed in it. Xavier got me to work the street, and soon I was either high on crystal, or crashing. And either turning tricks on San Fernando or Sepulveda, or entertaining a bunch of his biker friends.”

“So, you not know of drugs?”

“Not at first, no. I had taken amphetamines before, better than coffee to get going in the morning. But this was something else, Crystal Methamphetamine. They slipped it in my drink at first, but then I did start to smoke it after I was already hooked again. And then back on the street, living out of my car until that got impounded. Then out of an actual cardboard box next to the freeway. That is when Peter saved me.”

“Peter, you mean Peter Lavrentiyvich? You mention before you two old friends. He saved you?”

I nodded in his chest and held him tighter. “Oh Pavel, he was my first lover and I was going to marry him. I fucked that up when I turned to porn. Well, he found me on the street, apparently I was needing a fix and went up to him and offered to sell him my ass for enough to buy some more meth. Instead, he called my mom and took me back to the rehab center. He saved my life. They got me cleaned up, and that is where I learned I had HIV. Maybe from one of Xavier’s gang, maybe from the street. I don’t know. But I have been clean ever since. My only addictions now are cigarettes and coffee.”

Pavel nodded, then did a very Pavel thing. He pulled out those funny Armenian cigarettes he has and lit one for me, then another for himself. Funny things, with this empty gap between the end of the paper and where the filter was. They were strong as hell, but all he smoked. Of course, I also know one of his rackets was importing them without paying the taxes. And then he made me promise to stop smoking, at least until after the baby was born.

And after we finished the smoke I pulled out another rubber after I finally coaxed him up and rode him until neither of us could think of anything else. This was a rare night he could spend it all with me, and I was not going to waste it.

The next morning we made love one more time, then he took a shower as I made breakfast. And then he said “When you have baby, what you to call?”

I sighed and took a sip of coffee. “His or her last name will be Carol. We are not married, and I don’t think you want my child to be introduced as Goldenberg.”

He gave a sad sigh and shook his head. “No, in that you right. To be honest, my wife I think knows of us. But I discreet so not make issue. But if you give baby my name, that, that not discreet. But please, to put my name on certificate?”

That did surprise me, and I looked at him closely. “Pavel, are you sure of this?”

“Yes! Of this, am sure. Linda, I only have two children. My daughters with my wife, and now three with the one you carry. Humor me in this, is truth that in reality I do not know who my father is. Just another Nazi bastard of many that raped my mother as the pigs flee from Soviets in final months. Yes I hate old Communist Soviets, but hate Nazis more. I not know who my father was, not even my mother knows who my father was. Goldenberg was the man she married after I was born, and I take his name. I swore long ago, no child of mine would go as such, unrecognized by their father if it was me. Please allow me this. May be illegitimate, and not have my name. But my child this is, and I make allowance for it.”

Then I did hug him tight, then we started kissing. He then pulled me into his lap and we talked and kissed some more until he left to go home. I cleaned up everything, took a shower, and headed back to the office.

It was the last day of their convention, and of all things, I started watching a presentation on how to crochet. And as they were packing up, even I could barely believe when I bought a crochet hook, yarn, and a book on how to do it. And after some instructions got started on what would be a blanket I hoped.

Well, if nothing else it would give me something to do as in another six months or so I would be a lot less mobile than I was now. And it might actually be relaxing sitting in the easy chair and actually making something.

The next week, I had dinner with my mom. After dinner we were sitting on the couch as she had a glass of wine and I had apple juice, I looked to her and asked for a small sip. She looked at me for a moment, then handed me a glass. I took the tiniest of sips, and nodded. Pinot Grigio, and a decent one. “Something tells me you have something important to tell me. You do not do that very often, Linda.”

I nodded, and softly said I was going to have a baby. She inhaled deeply, and asked if I was sure. “Yes, Mommy, I’m sure. I’m already talking to doctors, they tell me the odds of my passing it on if I am careful is actually around zero point three percent. That is actually lower odds than asthma or other defects, so I am going to take the chance.”

She nodded, and asked if the father knew. I nodded, and said he knew. “This is only between us, mom. But it’s Pavel.”

“Pavel, your boss? But he’s married!”

“Yes, and I have been his mistress since shortly after I started working for him. We, we have an arrangement. The bungalow I live in? I do not rent it, Pavel owns it. And I am the only one that runs an office center that has a company car. He justifies it in saying that I sometimes move things or people around so it makes sense.”

That did surprise her. And even more that he agreed that our baby would have my last name, but that I would recognize him as the father on the birth certificate. But when I explained about his background, she said she understood. “Yes, that would make family important to him, I see. So, what can you tell me about his other family?”

I chuckled, and said he had two daughters. “So odds are, this will be another girl. But one never knows, it is not in our hands anymore. And yes, we used condoms. This is just one of those accidents I guess. I did tell him finally that I was HIV positive, but it turns out he was keeping a secret of his own.” She looked quizzically at me, and I said he had told me in the past he had a vasectomy. She almost snorted out her wine at that, then shook her head.

“Well, to give him credit he is taking responsibility so I can’t fault him there. And if you’re happy, I’m happy.” I hugged her tight, and after taking another small sip of her wine I smiled.

“You know, that is one thing I’ll always miss. I wish I could have a glass at times like this, to celebrate giving those I love happy news.” She nodded, and asked me when I was going to tell my sister. “Well, they’re coming down here in a month, I figure I will tell them then.” And mom thought that was a good idea.

It was a little over two months later, and I was just starting to feel like I was showing. Not much, but my belly did poke out a little more when I looked in the mirror after I got out of the shower. And I took more care as it was Saturday and Pavel was coming over soon. We had dinner, and were cuddling on the couch when he pulled me into his lap and kissed me deeply.

“Linda, another change we need to make. I think it is time for you to move out of this house.”

I looked at him, stunned. So, is this the time I get kicked to the street after all? I nodded my head and sighed softly, fighting to keep the trembling inside. As I said I would start looking for a new place. But he just and pulled me in even tighter.

“No, not my little Linda, you not understand. I am not kicking you out, but this house is in the name of my wife. And now might not be good, so I move you to another house. A bigger house, this one she not know of. No, not moving you out, am moving you up. And I have just the house for you to move to.”

Pavel told me that he was going to move me to a bigger house he owned in the North Valley. “This I buy as investment, so will put you in it. It also off book, not even wife know I own it. It was investment, I buy it for consultant I hire that worked for me. But he no longer with me so it returned to me. No, we make arrangement, you move there in another week.” He then described to me the house, said it was larger and he would come by and take me there the next day.

And we never did make it to the bed that night. We made love right there on the couch. And it felt wonderful.

The next morning, Pavel picked me up and drove me to a house in San Fernando. This was one of the nice new neighborhoods I saw when we pulled in front, and it was indeed only a few years old. He took me inside, and it had four bedrooms, three baths, and a nice walled in back yard. It had two floors, and one of the bedrooms could even be used as a nice office space on the ground floor. “Here, if you approve, next week I get guys to move you in here. Tell me of anything else you need, I get it for you.”

I looked around, and compared to what I had before this was huge. It was not quite as big as where Peter lived when we were together, but it was not much smaller. I told him it was fine, and if he was serious there were some things I could use. And he laughed when I told him.

“Honest, you want to go through my old office furniture? Why? You want new furniture, I buy you new furniture.”

“Pavel, my friends and family might accept that I was able to live here from money I saved from doing porn. They know I still residuals from some I did years ago. But also buy all new furniture? That they will not accept. I know you have some nice things in storage, that will be fine. And all would understand that, as it was yours and I am just borrowing it.”

“No, Linda. If you want, I make gift to you, just like this house.”

I looked sharply at him at that, and actually felt dizzy, putting my hand against the wall. “Pavel, no, I can’t do that. I can’t take this house.”

“No, not fully understand, Linda. I keep in my name for now, until baby is born. At that time, I sign over to the baby, is the house for our baby. And set up fund I will, for insurance, taxes, and other things. I can not give you much money or wife get suspicious. But this I can do as she not know of this house.”

I kissed him again, and after several minutes I knew what I wanted to do. And as my conversation with my doctor had confirmed what I had been told was indeed true, and it was something that carried almost no risk. And I wanted it, badly.

I pushed Pavel down onto the floor, and laid on top of him kissing him as he caressed my bottom. And after several minutes I opened his slacks. He lifted his hips as I lowered them, then he reached back for his wallet. “No, no need for that. Trust me when I say, in this there is no risk, as I am the one with the disease and not you. And so long as neither of us has sores, this is safe.” He looked into my eyes and nodded, and I finally did what I had wanted to do for years.

I opened my mouth, and took his cock into it. It took a moment as it was so unlike the last several years, the last time I blew a man without a condom. In fact, I could not even remember the last time I had done that, it had been during my “bad time”. But actually feeling his skin under my lips and not the latex was so wonderful! And actually tasting him on my tongue, I moaned. It had been so long. So long!

I did not even try to draw it out teasingly as I often did, and within minutes my darling paramour was cumming into my mouth. Yes! Oh god, I had forgotten how much I missed that! Still a bit bitter, and a sour taste which might have been something I forgot, or because of Pavel’s diet. But I did not care, it had been so long! And I still loved it as I swallowed.

Pavel ran his fingers through my hair, and said that was lovely. And after some kisses we got ourselves presentable again. He handed me the keys, and said next Saturday at 8 in the morning the movers would come to take care of things.

On Thursday I had dinner again with my mom, and afterwards we were relaxing in the living room again as I told her I was moving the next week. She looked at me sharply, and I nodded. I then explained how Pavel had another property he wanted to move me to, and that it was nicer and would have more room for the baby.

She nodded, as indeed my place would be a bit small for that. She then told me about her and my dad raising Mandy and me in a small apartment, and how challenging it was. “Oh, that place was smaller than even our old place was in Van Nuys. You could not even swing a cat in there without it hitting the walls I think.” And I did have some distant memories of that place, as a bit before I started school we moved to the one we lived in until I moved out.

Then mom surprised me when she said “So what time do you want me there on Saturday?” I looked at her, and she said she was not letting me move again without seeing the house first, and helping me get settled in.

I gave her a big hug, and told her to be there early, as Pavel was going to hire some movers and a truck to take care of everything. And with a smile I took her glass, and had just the smallest of sips. Ah, a white wine, perfectly sweet for sweet news.

On Saturday I was having coffee when Pavel showed up with a moving truck and six guys. The back was full of newspapers and boxes, and by the time my mom got there almost everything was packed. They were loading the truck with things when I had mom follow me to the new house.

She loved it, and I did not say that it was essentially mine now. I had already checked with a free law clinic. And as I would be the primary parent, that essentially meant the house was mine also. At least until the baby was 18. And if I sold it, all money not used for another house would have to be put in a trust fund. But to be honest, I could see myself living here for the rest of my life.

And I was surprised at the furniture that was already inside. Indeed, Pavel had moved in everything I wanted, and a bit more. I had wanted the dark blue sofa and love seat that had been replaced in one of his other offices earlier in the year, and that was already set up in the living room. But in the office was a nice brown couch, as well as a desk, a nice office chair, two sitting chairs, and one of Peter’s nicer computers. The only new thing I saw was that he had bought a wood dining room table and chair set.

And in the bedroom next to the master bedroom was a crib, changing table, and almost everything a baby would need for the first two years. And in the master bedroom a bassinet and brand new sleigh bed. Mom was impressed, and when she asked where the furniture had come from I said they were from Pavel’s storage. And she nodded, saying that was practical. But I was wondering where I would not put my furniture, as there would be far to much.

At noon the guys arrived with the first truck, and I laughed when mom sent me out for pizza as she directed the placement of the boxes and what furniture was in the first load. I came back and set them in the kitchen and they all took a break and dug in. Pavel arrived a few minutes later, and actually kissed my cheek because I had gotten one with heavy cheese and nothing else.