Life is too short if you’re enjoying it, but when every day sucks it can seem far too long. As things were, time for me was crawling at a painful snail’s pace. Every day seemed longer than the one before. Somehow, I had to make my life stop sucking.

“Get me a glass of water with ice!”

Ahh ... the shrill commands from Pam Young, the love of my life. Her directives defined my existence. “Do this! Get me that!” No sweet sounds of love. No shred of courtesy. Not even simple manners such as “Please” or “Thanks.” If she acknowledged my compliance at all it was usually in the form of criticism. “Took you long enough,” or “I didn’t want that much!” Then there was my favorite phrase of gratitude with which she’d often reward me: “Can’t you do anything right?”

So I learned that compliance was futile.

Oh, I went through the phases of responses. At first, I just did what she asked and absorbed the disrespect. That didn’t spark any improvement, so then I started to argue or fight back. My favorite response was, “Bitch, get your fat ass off the sofa and do it yourself. You need the @!#@*$% exercise!” Of course, I never cursed, called her names, or resorted to cruelty, but the words that often lingered in my mind and were dangerously close to escaping. The most I would say is, “No. Get it yourself.” I learned that this was not going to stir her conscience and cause her to revert to the sweet girl I married.

That brings me to the final phase of my responses. Actually, the final phase has two parts. Early on, I just ignored her, but I found the bellowing got louder and stronger. I’m now in part two of the final phase. I ignore her and, if things escalate, I leave the room or the house altogether. Still, she’s not getting the message.

With her latest command to fetch water, I decided to wander to the bar two blocks away. Sure, it was only 10 AM, but you can’t spend the day drinking if you don’t start in the morning. Besides, I had my morning eighteen-mile bike ride and I deserved some empty calories. I closed the front door and the shrieking tirade faded into the background. The annoying cacophony was replaced by singing birds, barking dogs, and the glorious white noise created by distant heavy traffic.

“Hey, Ted! You’re early today.”

Now that was a sweet voice. Benny, my favorite bartender, never failed to improve my mood.

“Whatta ya havin’?”

“How about coffee and a fried egg sandwich?” The walk to the bar had reinvigorated my common sense and my commitment to healthy living, so no beer ... yet.

“Comin’ right up.”

I sat and contemplated what my life had become, and how depressing my retirement years appeared to be developing. I guess it showed on my face. When I was still working I could find joy in achieving things, mingling and interacting with people, and just having fun doing what I enjoyed. Life rolled along with time seeming to fly. But, now? Every day was slow torture. I couldn’t really do the fun things I had planned for retirement. I was anchored at home with a stranger living in the old and abandoned body that used to be occupied by my beautiful, loving and sweet wife.

“Here’s your breakfast, Ted. You okay, man? You’re looking beat up.”

As depressing as my home life was, I didn’t spread it around. The only one who knew anything about it was my best friend, Dave, and even he didn’t know the half of it.

“Nah, I’m good. Just thinking some things through.”

“Okay, but remember, my official duty as a bartender is to listen and I’m here for ya if you wanna talk.”

“Thanks, man. That’s good to know.”

I slowly ate my meager breakfast and resumed my personal pity party. Dave usually wandered in around noon and I knew he’d get me out of my funk.

Around 11:00, I was swirling around the remains of my third cup, finding myself nearly hypnotized by the patterns it was making, when I felt a friendly hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, Ted. You’re hittin’ the bar a bit early today.”

“G’morning, Dave. A bit early, yourself.”

“Yeah. So, what’s up? You okay?”

“Just contemplating my life and my marriage. I don’t know if I can take much more.”

“Damn, man. That sounds ominous. Let’s move to a table and you can tell me about it.”

I made up my mind that I was going to give Dave the full story. I needed my best friend to help me find a way to get on track for the happy retirement I’d always envisioned. I needed him to understand.

“You gonna leave her?”

“I wish I could, but it’s just not in me to divorce her. I take our vows seriously. I remember the ‘for better or worse’ crap I agreed to. I just wish there was more of the better than of the worse. I’ve told you a little about what she’s become, so you know what I mean.”

“I’ve seen it a bit, but the four of us don’t get together much anymore. I mean, you still come over to our house, but I can’t remember the last time I saw Pam.”

“Watching you and Allie together is like watching the life I wanted with Pam when I retired. I wanted to travel, do things together, you know ... all the stuff people dream about. Instead, she sits on the damn sofa all day watching the idiot box and orders me around. It’s her attitude and the disrespect that kills me. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it. I mean, when we were younger she was always the sweetest thing and very active.”

“I remember. I always thought she and my wife were a lot alike.”

“Me, too. And two more beautiful women you couldn’t find. But even in her sixties, your Allie is still a knockout. The change really hit Pam hard. Now, instead of looking like a five-foot tall beach body, she’s like a five-foot round beach ball.”

Dave started laughing even though the subject was serious, but that’s how we always interacted.

“You know, I shouldn’t talk about her like that. Yeah, she hasn’t kept herself fit, which doesn’t make sense to me. We both used to be really active, but then she just quit trying. Even with her age and how she’s let herself go, I still see the pretty face I married. It’s all the other ways she’s changed that galls me. She’s like a completely different person. She used to cook, but now she only fixes meals for herself unless she demands I get take-out. And when she does cook it’s usually frozen prepared dinners. Once in a while she’ll decide to actually create a meal, but when she does, I always say a prayer ... not to give thanks, but pleading that I survive the food.”

Dave snickered at my poor excuse for a joke, but was shaking his head in disbelief about my situation. “I had no idea, Ted.”

“I’d still love her if it wasn’t for the attitude and ... well ... the other.”

“The other?”

“Shit, man. I’ve never told anyone this.”

“What?”

“Give me a minute.”

Did I want to go where I was headed? I felt like I had no choice. Dave needed to hear it all so he’d understand.

“After ... well ... about 12 years ago when she started her, you know, change, she refused to ... damn ... you know.”

“What?”

“She won’t have sex, damn it. I haven’t gotten laid in a dozen years.”

“Oh, man. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You think it’s easy to admit? You tell me all the time how wonderful your intimacy is with Allie, and I’m living with blue balls.”

“I know I don’t say it enough, but I really hit the jackpot with Allie. And, you know, the older she gets, the more I understand how beautiful she is. She’s like fine wine, only getting better with age.”

“Well, Pam has aged more like milk. The older she gets, she turns more sour and chunky.”

Dave burst into laughter, nearly spitting beer he had just sipped. “Damn, Ted, don’t do that to me!”

“Sorry, old man. Like I said, I really shouldn’t say stuff like that about Pam. I do still love her and I don’t want to disrespect her, but it’s frustrating as hell. I mean, listen, love isn’t all about sex. I get that. But she stopped any form of intimacy. We used to always brush each other in some playful way when we walked by, but she started slapping my hand. She won’t even consider helping take care of my needs and, damn it, my libido is still raging.”

“Geez, Ted. Twelve years?”

“Yeah. Twelve fricken years. So here I am. I’m 67-years-old, retired, healthy, fit, full of plans to actively live my retirement years with the love of my life. Instead, I’m tied to a stranger who’s more like an anchor pulling me down.”

“And you don’t see divorce as an option?”

“No. You know I can’t do that. I can’t even bring myself to find sex partners, although I threatened that a couple of times. Truth is, I was willing to live without sex because I loved her, but all the other shit has killed my feelings for her.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I thought about robbing a bank so I could go to prison to escape her. But with my luck, some wicked judge would probably sentence me to house arrest.”

Dave politely chuckled, then we were silent for a few moments and I figured he was thinking about all the crap I unloaded on him. I was tired of that subject, so I tried to change direction.

“Okay, Dave, so enough about me. What are you up to?”

He took a sip of his beer, and for the first time in our lives I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

“Geez, Dave. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Nah. It’s not that.”

“What’s goin’ on, man?”

I had a sinking feeling in my gut. Here I was, unloading my shit on him when it suddenly looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“I need to tell you something. I, uh, went to the doc’s yesterday to hear about some tests.”

The sinking feeling in my gut turned to pain.

“It’s stage four. I got about four or five months.”

I looked at him and we both had tears rolling. My best friend was suffering worse than I can imagine and there I was being self-absorbed with my little problems.

“I know we kid a lot, man. Dave, tell me you’re joking.”

“Wish I was.”

“Are you in pain? What are you feeling? Can I do something? Tell me I can help somehow.”

“I feel a little discomfort for now, but the pain is coming. Hopefully, once it hits I won’t last too long.”

“Oh, God. How’s Allie?”

“We dealt with it last night. She’s my rock, and she will forge through even if she has to fake some courage. I’m more worried about how she’ll be when I’m gone.”

With that, his tears really let loose. He wiped his face and turned to ask Benny to bring us both a beer.

“Should you be drinkin’?”

Dave chuckled. “What’s it gonna do, kill me?”

After Benny delivered our next round, Dave held up his glass for a toast.

“To life. It may be short, but at least it was sweet.”

“To life,” I repeated, then we both took a large gulp.

“Listen, Ted. In all seriousness, I’m okay with my fate. I’ve had a wonderful life. I’ve had the best wife one could hope for, and a friend I can count on. Honestly, it upsets me more about what you’re going through.”

“You’re okay with dying?”

“Let’s not call it dying. How about ... I’m being uploaded to the clouds.” He chuckled and I got the growing sense that he was at peace about his fate, even though finding out was still very recent. His composure and calm amazed the hell outta me.

After a few seconds of thought, he continued. “I guess you could say I’m okay with it. I’m not afraid, if that’s what you think. I’m certainly not looking forward to the process. But, with my bad back, all the aches and pains of age, I’m deaf in one ear, I can’t see all that well anymore ... well, it seems the most logical next step. Know what I mean?”

I decided not to answer and just let him assume I agreed.

We chatted away the afternoon. I was going to eat dinner at the bar rather than face unpleasant stuff at home. After a while, Dave was ready to head home to Allie. As he got up to leave, I had to tell him one more thing.

“Listen ... I’m here to lean on and help you and Allie. You’ve got a lot of friends that love you.” I gave a little smirk so he’d understand my next sentence. “Not that I’m one of them, you understand.”

He flashed a broad smile and pulled me into a bear-hug. “I love you too, man.”

I ate my dinner at the bar, if you call chicken fingers and fries dinner, then sat at the bar blankly staring at the TV. There was a game on of some type, and I couldn’t even tell you what sport it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about Dave, then I’d drift towards thinking about my marriage. I considered the pain that Allie was experiencing and would be facing in the months ahead. She was far too good a woman to have this kind of tragedy in her life, but our short time on earth is filled with joys and tragedies. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come with guarantees.

I wandered home a little after 10 PM to face whatever storm had brewed over the past thirteen hours.

“Finally! Where’ve you been? Don’t you have any consideration for ... blah, blah, blah?”

I tuned her out and quietly walked into my den. In the middle of some meaningless sentence in her tirade, with my back to her I just quietly said, “Dave is sick and dying. For God’s sake, shut up and leave me alone.”

Unbelievably, she did. I think she called Allie even though they don’t speak very often. For the past eight or nine years I’ve been sleeping in my den, so I locked the door, flopped in my bed, and stared at the ceiling while my brain searched for some kind of meaning or answers.

The next several days were relatively peaceful. I ate lunch at the bar while Dave joined me, but he didn’t stay too long. I returned home usually by 9 PM and always found Pam watching some movie on TV. Neither of us said a word. I caught her looking at me a couple of times with a sad look in her eyes, but she seemed at a loss for words and, frankly, I was grateful.

Being retired, the days of the week meant very little to me. Sunday was important and unique because of church, and the other six days were all like Saturdays were when I was working. I always enjoyed Fridays during my career because it was always special, so full of hope, joy, and anticipation of the weekend. I didn’t enjoy that Friday.

I walked into the bar just before noon and immediately saw Dave. He had the strangest look I’d ever seen on his face. He was pale, his lips seemed to tremble a bit, and his eyebrows were low and tight across his forehead. Even more unusual, he struggled to look at me. I wondered if he had a treatment or took some medication that was affecting him.

“Hey, Dave. Hungry?”

“What? Oh, yeah. I need to get something. Maybe a grilled cheese sandwich would work.”

“For livin’ outside of Philly, I don’t eat enough cheese steaks. I think that’s what I’m going for.”

We gave Benny our order, then moved to a booth. I needed to find out what was bothering my friend.

“You okay?”

“Sure! Let’s chow down, then we can talk.”

The food arrived quickly and I noticed Dave was uncharacteristically quiet while we ate. I droned on a bit about the last several days being unusually peaceful at home. By the time we finished, most of the lunch crowd had left and we were relatively alone. There was definitely something in Dave’s mind creating tension, and I couldn’t wait any longer to pry his thoughts out of his brain.

“Okay, my friend, what’s on your mind?”

“I’m guessing you’ve been thinking about what to do about Pam, am I right?”

“Yeah. I’m still stuck. I don’t feel justified divorcing her, but I can’t keep going this way.”

“So, do you have a plan?”

“I’m going to live my life the way I want and she can sit on her couch and watch TV all day if she wants. If I want to travel, or buy a boat, or maybe get the classic car I’ve always wanted, I’m gonna do it. I can’t cheat on her, but I can at least be happy and active in all the other ways. I may even get a cabin in the mountains and stay there most of the time. I’ll just come to her house to make repairs or maintain things. I can’t see any other way. My only real concern is that I’m not sure she should live alone with the state of her health, but if I stay away from home she has no one to blame but herself.”

A moment of silence followed and Dave appeared deep in thought. He finally let out a big sigh, and looked straight at me for the first time since I came into the bar.

“Ted, I think I can help you in a way you may not have expected. I need to tell you something and I pray I’m doing the right thing. There is justification for divorcing Pam.” He paused for a moment and appeared to be trying to gather up his courage. My mind raced as I tried to anticipate what he was going to say.

“Ted, I’m extremely ashamed of this—Pam and I had a brief affair about twelve years ago. I hope you don’t hate me, and if you want to punch my lights out, I’m fine with that. No matter what, I need to tell you details so you can consider the opportunity this gives you.”

He was smart enough to stay silent for a few moments. I got up and paced around trying to process what he told me, then sat to face him. My immediate response was anger, and I had to let it out. I looked at him and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“Ted, please, don’t hate me. I couldn’t handle that.”

Calmly and quietly, I let out my feelings.

“I thought you were my best friend. How could you betray me like that? I swear, I would have believed pigs could fly before I would have thought you’d do that to me. And what about Allie? Does she know?”

“No. I thought I’d take this to my grave because I never wanted you or Allie to get hurt, but your circumstances made it imperative that I tell you so you can free yourself from Pam.”

“But, why the hell did you do it? I’ve always believed you when you talked about your sex life with Allie. Why would you go after a cold fish like Pam?”

“She repeatedly came after me. She kept saying that she had to know something because you were the only man she was ever intimate with. I asked her why she wanted me, and she said if not me, then she’d find someone else, but she preferred it to be someone she trusted.”

“That sounds like bullshit, man. She doesn’t even like sex. I mean, she seemed to be perpetually horny when we were in our twenties and thirties. In fact, I know she loved sex back then. But about twenty years ago it became clear that she didn’t want any kind of sex any more. Why would she come after you? How long was this affair?”

“We were together only twice. It was really strange. She just lay there and was not active at all. After the first time I wondered why she even wanted to do it. After the second time, she said something unusual and I’ll never forget it. She said, ‘That’s the last time, Dave. Now I know. We’ll never speak of this and our spouses must never find out.’ I asked her what she now knew, and she said it wasn’t important. Ted, I justified what I did because I didn’t want her finding some strange guy. You may want to call bullshit, but I was thinking about you. I can’t honestly say my ‘little brain’ wasn’t screaming to go for it, but if she didn’t keep threatening to find someone else, I’d have never done it.”

“Why didn’t you refuse and then tell me about it?”

“I’m not sure. I was convinced this was something she was going to do behind your back with some stranger if I didn’t help her. She promised it would only be a couple of times at most, and that would be it. She had to do it, she said, but she didn’t want you to get hurt.”

We stayed silent for a little while and I let my brain cycle through how I would respond. Dave broke the silence with a simple question. “Do you want to hit me?”

I dug down deep inside myself to be sure I answered accurately. “No, and I don’t hate you. I’m really confused and disappointed but, given the way it sounds, I don’t hate you. I have to ask, though, if this was the only time you were unfaithful to Allie.”

“The only time. She doesn’t know. At least, I hope she doesn’t know.”

“Are you going to tell her?”

“No. There’s no point in hurting her.”

“But if I use this to rid myself of Pam, she may decide to spill the beans.”

“Shit. I hadn’t thought of that. Shit, shit, shit!”

“You may have to tell her before you ... before you’re uploaded to the cloud so she hears it from the one who loves her, not some vengeful scorned woman.”

“Yeah. You’re right. Damn!” He paused to think. “I better time it based on when you spring things on Pam, assuming that’s what you’re gonna do.”

“Damn straight. I’ve taken the high road as long as I can, but now finding out she broke our vows, I’m kicking her to the curb. I’ve gotta think through things, but you can bet a lawyer gets my call on Monday.”

Dave glanced down as a few more tears fell. “Ted, did I do the right thing telling you, or did I screw this up too?”

Never in a million years did I think I’d forgive a guy so quickly for tapping my wife, but that’s what I did. There’s just so much about Pam that was a mystery to me, and somehow she even caught my best friend in her weird web.

“If things were good between me and Pam, I’d think you just decided to screw up my life to ease your guilty conscience. Given the circumstances I think you did the best you could.”

“So, are we okay?”

More tears fell from my friend. I’d never seen him cry before this week, so it felt strange, but it also felt appropriate. I really did love the guy.

“We’re good, Dave. You’re forgiven, you’re still my best friend, and everything I said before still stands.”

“You mean you still love me?”

I smiled. “Yeah, but we’re not gonna be swappin’ spit in the shower.”

We talked for three or four hours, brainstorming different ideas and scenarios. By the time I returned to the house, I had a solid framework for a path forward. I then turned my attention to working out the details.

Saturday morning I called my daughter, Kelsi, to see if she and her husband would be home that afternoon. My son-in-law, Bret Lawson, was a really good man and was working his way up in a firm that managed financial portfolios, which included mine. I asked them not to tell Pam I was coming and told them I had some important things to discuss.

I was preparing to leave when I heard the return of her grating voice.

“Where are you going? You need to take me to the hairdressers and clothes shopping.”

“No, I don’t NEED to do any of that. I have things to do, and you still have a car and license. Use them.”

“What’s so important that you can’t take me? What do you have to do?”

“Things.”

“Okay, jerk. What things?”

“My things.” I closed the door as the tirade started. Fortunately, the drive to Kelsi’s gave me a chance to calm down.

I was greeted with warm hugs from Bret and my daughter. I could see they were anxious and worried that maybe I was sick or had bad news. Bret led off the discussion with a dumb question. “Dad, can I get you a beer?”

I looked at him with my best “duh” face and he ran to the kitchen.

“Kelsi, you need to train him better. The beer should have been in my hand already,” I joked.

“Okay, Dad. Get to it. So what’s so important? Is somebody sick?”

“Well, yes.” Thinking about saying the words made me choke up. “I found out ... uh, Dave told me ... dang it ... Uncle Dave only has a few months left.”

“Oh, no! No, no, no.” It hit Kelsi hard as her tears fell. She’d spent many an evening on her adopted uncle’s lap and she loved him dearly. “How’s Aunt Allie? She’s gotta be...”

“They’re both doing as well as can be expected.” Bret handed me my beer and I thanked him. “That’s not the main reason I’m here.”

Kelsi frowned. “That’s as bad as news can get. What can be worse?”

“It’s not worse, but it is a big deal for us. I don’t know how to say it, so I’m just gonna blurt it out. I’m divorcing your mother.”

I would have never guessed Kelsi’s response. “It’s about time. I don’t know what all has changed her, but I can’t stand how she treats you.”

“Baby, when she’s with you guys is she polite and pleasant?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Let me bounce some things off of you two and see what you think.”

I shared my plans with them and I was overjoyed that they were excited about how things could go. Their involvement was a huge piece of my agenda for life moving forward.

As I left, they both expressed how much they wanted me to enjoy life again, especially now that I was retired. Kelsi was, and will always be my little girl, and I couldn’t love her and Bret more. I hoped I wasn’t asking too much of them. Since Bret was also my financial planner, I set up an appointment with him and he offered to have a woman in his office join our meeting because her specialty would be a big help.

My lawyer and I had a lot of heated discussions about my plans for the divorce. I was asking for a number of unusual concessions and, while he saw the logic behind my proposed split of the finances, he didn’t think I’d get them past Pam or her lawyer. He finally relented and had the terms drawn up as I requested.

Bret’s office had the proposed financial settlement drafted and brought them to me several days later. It took a week for the lawyer to prepare everything. I picked up the legal documents the following Monday, and made my plans to give them to Pam. I planned to share everything with Dave during lunch on Tuesday, and then confront Pam on Wednesday.

I couldn’t help but be filled with doubts and second guessing. Fortunately, Dave, Kelsi, and Bret understood that I needed to do this and do it the way I proposed. Their assurance and promise to support my plan with Pam gave me the courage I needed. Pam’s response was the greatest unknown, but I had an ace in my pocket. Her affair would never be known past Dave, Allie, and the two of us. I didn’t want to threaten or blackmail her, but if needed I had to be sure she knew how important my proposed separation was to me.

Tuesday morning, I beat Dave to the bar and grabbed a booth. Benny seemed a little put out that I didn’t sit at the bar and talk to him, but he’d get over it. I just hoped Dave was feeling good enough to join me. That last time I saw him I could tell he wasn’t feeling very well. I was relieved when he walked through the door with his customary big smile.

“Hey, Meathead!”

“Geez, Dave. You haven’t called me that in ages. Does that mean I’ve got to call you Shit-for-brains, or SFB again?”

“It fits, doesn’t it?”

We did the normal banter while we ate and you’d never guess how sick he was just by looking at him. With the food consumed and plates cleared, it was time to get down to details. I told him my plan, and let him know I was confronting Pam the next day.

“So, SFB, are you going through with telling Allie?”

“I guess I better, and it sounds like it’s gotta be tonight.”

“Any idea what you’re gonna say?”

“Not a clue, but I’ll get through it. I just hope during my final weeks that she will still stick with me.”

“You don’t really doubt that, do you?”

“No, but the thought of hurting her is killing me faster than this damn cancer. Geez, I love that woman more than I can begin to describe. This is gonna pile even more onto her when she has enough heartbreak to deal with.”

“How are you otherwise? You’re getting a unique perspective on life now. Any profound thoughts or words of wisdom to pass on?”

Staring at nothing in particular, he looked off into space gathering his thoughts. He frowned a bit, then looked directly into my eyes.

“Nothing except this. Ted, you’re doing the right thing by trying to live your life to the fullest. I know you wish Pam had been the one at your side through retirement, but it’s clear that’s not gonna happen. Look at me. I’m learning just how short life can be. I’ve been retired less than two years, I’m financially set for a long and enjoyable retirement with plenty of reserves to travel and do all the things Allie and I dreamed about, and now I’m not gonna get that chance.”

Dave and I have never been the maudlin or serious types, so I decided to go with my gut on my response. “Don’t worry, my friend. Allie and I will spend it for you.” I grinned hoping I didn’t overstep our friendship. Dave cracked up, laughing louder than I think I’ve ever seen.

“You really are an asshole, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry, man. I couldn’t pass that up. You know I wish you could spend it all and go out fifty years from now with nothing left to your name but a smile.”

“Yeah. It is what it is. No sense wishing for the impossible. At least I know Allie will be okay financially.”

Silence covered us again as we contemplated the events surrounding us. I noticed that Dave started to look nervous again like he did when he told me about the affair. I sensed it was time to pry his thoughts out of his brain again.

“What are you thinking Dave? I see your brain working.”

“I’ve had this thought swirling in my brain and I can’t get past it. The weird thing is, your little joke is giving me the courage I need to say the words.”