Chapter 49: Power

Sam didn’t show up for our shared first period.

Or second period.

Or recess.

She didn’t show up to school, period, and nobody knew where she was. So naturally, everyone asked ME. I mean, she was living at MY house, right? I told them truthfully that I had no idea where she was. Since she’d eaten dinner at Zofi’s house and had a conversation about the status of her relationship with me last night, Zofi was quick to ask if anything had “happened” between us since then.

I didn’t have to respond verbally. Everyone could read the answer on my face.

I mean, I didn’t admit to the girls that I’d told Sam I was in love with her. I didn’t admit to the girls that I’d told Sam she was my favorite. I didn’t admit to the girls that my last thoughts before falling asleep were of Sam, or that nothing in the world made me happier than waking up to find her in my arms.

Sam was the total package: intelligent, funny, kind, hard-working, and of course: ridiculously gorgeous and sexy. She was an onion, but in a good way, because every time I peeled back another layer, she made me fall in love with her a little more.

I couldn’t say any of that stuff out loud, of course. Naimh and I had just gotten to a comfortable place accepting our friends-with-benefits relationship knowing there would’ve been a time limit on a romantic relationship anyway. Belle walked the razor’s edge between content “little sister” and obsessive/clingy yandere. And even Mari still wanted to enjoy the time she had left with her “boyfriend”. Any admission of love for Sam would throw a monkey wrench into all three of those relationships. My world was not the same as when Naimh and I had asked for (and received) permission to try “dating”.

The key difference, of course, was the fact that at that time Naimh had been equally interested in dating me. Sam, on the other hand, had almost literally run screaming out of the room and was still AWOL at this very moment.

At lunchtime, I pulled Zofi away from the others for a bit to have a private conversation. “You’re her best friend. She’ll come to you first, maybe even come over to your house. Will you please call me when she does that?”

Zofi gave me an apologetic look. “Like you said: I’m her best friend. If she comes over to my house, I’ll ask her whether she wants me to call you or not.”

My shoulders slumped, but I nodded. While I didn’t like her answer, at least I understood it.

“What happened?” Zofi asked. “What did you do?”

I sighed and shook my head. “She’s your best friend. I’m sure she’ll decide what she wants to tell you. But this one you can’t get from me.” I turned around and walked back to the table.

It was “Zofi and Sam Wednesday”, but neither girl came over to my house that afternoon. Zofi didn’t call me, either. But that didn’t mean I spent the afternoon alone.

Normally in such situations I’d talk to Belle, but I knew better than to light a match and toss it into a canister of gasoline like that. Instead, I called Alice.

“Hey,” I began with a weary sigh. “I know you’re probably busy, but--”

“I’ll be right over,” she interrupted, and then the line went dead before I could say anything else.

Alice showed up ten minutes later, gave me a fist bump, and sauntered into my family room. She dropped her backpack on the floor and slumped onto the couch. Her left arm went to the armrest and her right draped across the top of the backrest. And she kicked her legs up along the length of the couch before fixing me with an interrogative look. “So the way I see it, there are two most likely scenarios. Stop me if one of them is correct.”

Curious, I folded my arms over my chest and sat down on the padded armrest of the armchair, not the seat.

“So we both know Sam’s in love with you, only she doesn’t have the time to be in love with you with her busy schedule and all. Spending all this quality intimate time together ever since she moved in stripped down the walls she’d put up from actually being in love with you, but then you realized how much things were escalating and you tapped the brakes, kicked her out of the house Saturday morning, cut her off for a few days, and now she’s mad at you.”

I frowned and arched both eyebrows expectantly, leading, “Or...”

“Or...” Alice scrutinized me with narrowed eyes for an extra few beats. “Or spending all this quality intimate time together ever since she moved in made YOU fall in love with her, you tried to tap the brakes but couldn’t help yourself because ... well ... Sam’s kinda awesome ... and you admitted you were falling in love with her and she went running for the hills.”

I scowled and looked away.

“Thought so.” Alice smirked. “I have to admit: Can’t really blame you. Like I said: Sam’s kinda awesome. She’s perfect for you. You love strong women who take charge, but that little Master/Slut thing she does is just... nngh! ... She’s super-smart, independent, obviously has no problem sharing you with her friends, fuckin’ sexy, and for the most part requires no relationship maintenance because she just wants to go off and do her own thing most of the time. It makes sense that you’d fall in love with her.”

“I wish I hadn’t.” I rubbed my face with my right hand. “This whole thing is a disaster. Years of building up the BTC into this incredible circle of friendship is about to get flushed down the toilet because I can’t keep my emotions in check.”

Alice frowned. “Why would you think this would flush the BTC down the toilet?”

“Neevie and Belle, for starters. Mari, a little bit. You and Zofi are the only two I can trust to not be bothered by this. Zofi would wish for Sam’s happiness--”

“As would I,” Alice confirmed with a nod. “But I think you’re overblowing the way the girls would react. Mari doesn’t believe she has a real shot with you anyway. Neevie’s not competitive with Sam anymore - well, okay she’s still a little peeved that Sam got your cherry and not her. But she’s made her peace with going to UCLA with me and knows there’s no future with you. She’s content with what she gets from you nowadays and as long as she doesn’t get pushed aside and lose what she currently has, she’ll be fine.”

“I can’t say the same for Belle. Two weeks ago she was mentally decorating the apartment we were going to share together in Berkeley without the rest of you and she actually cracked a joke about us getting married.” My eyebrows went up. “And I’m pretty sure she was only half-kidding.”

Alice sighed. “You said Belle was more terrified of you leaving her than anything else, and you said yourself you believed your relationship was much better (and more stable) as siblings with benefits than with her as a romantic partner. I think what she fears most is you hooking up with some hottie she doesn’t know who might take you away from her. If you end up dating Sam, she already knows Sam wouldn’t do that to her. I think that she’d actually welcome you starting a relationship with Sam.”

“Maybe,” I conceded. “Belle herself said something similar when we found out Sam was coming with us to Berkeley.”

“See?”

“Not that any of this matters. I told Sam I loved her and she took off. I don’t think becoming my girlfriend is part of her master plan.”

“Well, maybe not. You and Sam may never formally get together. The two of you and Belle might end up just fucking each other’s brains out for stress relief for four years and never date anybody else until you graduate.”

“Yeah, right. My relationships with those two haven’t been stable for four months, let alone years.”

“Perhaps. But for all you know becoming your girlfriend IS part of Sam’s master plan. Maybe she’s gonna walk through that door in five minutes saying, ‘Matty, I love you too, but we need to talk.’ And then she’s gonna lay out her detailed multi-year itinerary for getting her Bachelor’s Degree, interning at some hoity-toity law firm (maybe your Mom’s), and then getting her J.D.” Alice smirked. “And then finally, after banging you on the side for like ten years, she’ll say, ‘Okay, I’m finally ready’ and then you two can start dating.”

I made a face. “I hate that every word you just said makes perfect sense.”

“Can’t wait that long?”

I rubbed my forehead. “How the fuck should I know if I can wait ten years? I’m eighteen. Ten years ago I thought girls had cooties and I was memorizing dinosaur facts.”

“A surprisingly mature thought out of you. I half-expected you to get some dreamy faraway look and reply, ‘She’s worth waiting for.’”

“She IS worth waiting for, but at this very moment I don’t even want to date her NOW, let alone ten years from now. I’m serious: me dating Sam is NOT a good idea, and I told her as much this morning. I’ve always known she doesn’t have time to date me--”

“Even though we’ve all got our colleges lined up,” Alice cut me off, “so there’s really no reason why she can’t spend more time with you. It’s not like she needs to do anything else for the rest of the year to pad her applications.”

“That’s beside the point.” I waved her off. “She’s made clear from the beginning she doesn’t want to date me. Show up when convenient for her, get a coupla nice orgasms, and go on her merry way: THAT’S what she specifically asked for. The idea of keeping the BTC ‘in balance’ wasn’t total bullshit, for me OR her. The BTC is too important to both of us, and regardless of how we may or may not feel about each other, NOTHING is going to change. I’m the BTC’s boyfriend because I love ALL of you, collectively, and I’m NOT gonna do anything to fuck that up. Alright?”

Alice sighed and shrugged. “Alright.”

Just then, the sound of a key jiggling in the front door made my heart start racing. Both Alice and I sat up straight and looked over in that direction, even though the door itself was out of sight from our current vantage points. A few moments later, the door opened and closed in rapid succession, and excited footsteps came echoing down the hall.

But to my surprise, Belle and Mari turned the corner and came in. I sighed, shook my head, and muttered, “I never shoulda given you that key back.”

Belle pouted. But Mari was already chirping enthusiastically, “Okay, we figured it out! I mean, we think we figured it out and we just need Matty’s confirmation.”

Alice looked up at them and drawled, “He’s not gonna wanna talk any more about this.”

“Well we already know Matty won’t tell us anything,” Belle commented nonchalantly. “But he can’t stop us from speculating in front of him while we watch the way his expressions give him away.”

I groaned and covered my face with both hands. “Speculate on THIS expression,” I muttered.

Alice gestured towards me and explained, “He fell in love with Sam, told her, and she freaked out.”

“We KNEW it!” Mari exclaimed and she turned to give Belle a high five. “We’re total love detectives.”

Belle giggled. “But he’s probably all terrified I’m gonna go crazy stalker and murder Sam in her sleep if I find out or something, right?”

I groaned and rubbed my forehead a little harder.

Belle laughed. “C’mon, Matty. Didn’t I TELL you I’d be thrilled for you to date her so I wouldn’t have to worry about some greedy bitch at Berkeley taking you away from me?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I insisted. “Sam and I are NOT gonna start dating. No way, no how. The BTC means too much to both of us.”

“But why not?” Belle looked confused. “Were you worried about how the rest of us would react? Because I actually think everybody would be fine with it.”

I shook my head and looked over at Alice. “Are we really gonna have this whole conversation AGAIN?”

Alice threw up her hands. “We could skip past rehashing the same conversation, all get naked, and have a wicked foursome instead,” she suggested. “It’s not like any of us is gonna get any homework done.”

“Works for me,” Belle chirped, reaching for the buttons on her blouse.

Rolling my eyes, I stood up and started walking out of the room.

Behind me, Belle drawled, “Did we seriously offer to have a wicked foursome with him and he just up and walked away?”

Mari sighed. “He’s actually in love with Sam. I think it’s sweet.”

Her comment brought me up short. I stopped walking at the edge of the room and turned around. “Sweet?”

Mari blinked twice. “Yeah. It’s sweet.”

I frowned. “I would’ve thought you’d be disappointed.”

The light in Mari’s eyes dimmed just a little. “I fantasized about you and me falling in love, sure. But I always knew it was a long shot we’d end up like that. I’m not your type.”

Belle reached out and hefted one of Mari’s big breasts. “Well these are definitely Matty’s type.”

Mari blushed and batted Belle’s hands away. “He likes the confident, outgoing, sexy types.”

I smirked. “You’ve always been sexy. And you were pretty confident and outgoing for your week as Queen Mari.”

“Around the BTC, sure. Not in public.”

Belle pushed her bestie in the shoulder. “You’re getting there. You’ve grown so much this year.”

Mari blushed again. “Maybe. But while getting a week to play Queen Mari was fun - and I wouldn’t mind another week, if that’s on the table - I’d never lose my head enough to believe you and I would walk off into the sunset together, especially now that I’m going to Caltech. I think you and Sam would make a great couple, and I genuinely hope things work out for you two.”

I arched an eyebrow. “What happened to Team Belle?”

Mari exchanged a loaded look with her best friend.

Alice leaned forward. “Yeah, what happened to Team Belle?”

Belle herself screwed up her face and finally answered, “I’d be a horrible girlfriend for you.”

Alice sat up straight and frowned. “What makes you say that?”

Belle pointed at herself with both index fingers and deadpanned, “Crazy stalker. Murdering Sam in her sleep.”

I waved her off. “I never worried about you murdering Sam in her sleep.”

Belle cocked her head to the side. “But if I told you I’d intercepted Sam’s Berkeley paperwork, shredded it, and then forged a letter declining the offer, you’d believe me capable of doing so, wouldn’t you?”

My mouth went dry. “Please tell me you didn’t do anything like that.”

“Of course not, and you’re proving my point.” Belle sighed, looked up, and took a deep breath. “The fact that you want me to reassure you I didn’t shred Sam’s paperwork proves just how little you trust me right now.”

“And that means you decided you’d be a horrible girlfriend for me?”

“I would be a horrible girlfriend for you. If you were mine - as in ‘officially mine’ - I’d turn into a possessive jealous bitch. We saw how I acted around Holly, and that was me TRYING to be nice and let her in.” Belle sighed and gave me an apologetic look. “Even as it stands, I’m gonna have to control my impulses to judge and hate every other girl you so much as look at for the rest of my life.”

I made a face at that pronouncement.

Mari chimed in again, “Hence, Matty getting together with Sam solving all your problems.”

Belle looked glum. “Much as I would agree, so again I wouldn’t have to worry about some random greedy bitch taking you away from me, it’s not gonna happen. Sam’s never gonna date you.”

Alice’s eyebrows went up. “So sure? She clearly loves him.”

“So do we all,” Belle remarked. “But she’s still not gonna date him until after she’s graduated college at the earliest. She’s been VERY clear on that point.”

“She has,” I agreed. “And I told her flat out I wouldn’t ask her to be my girlfriend or in any way try to change the status of our relationship.”

Alice frowned. “You didn’t?”

I shook my head. “I didn’t.”

“Then why’d she freak out?” Alice cocked her head. “Just you telling her you were in love with her?”

I waggled my head, replying, “More or less.” I did NOT want to tell the other girls that I’d deemed Sam my ‘favorite’.

“It’s enough to freak her out,” Belle muttered and stared out into the middle distance. “It’s the same reason she wouldn’t become a Girlfriend of the Week. She’s focused on this master plan of hers, and she knows the only thing that would derail it would be starting a relationship with Matty. He’s the one thing that would tempt her to give up her dreams. She told me: if given a choice between going to some awesome law school across the country that would put her on the perfect career path, or settling for some second-tier law school that would keep her close to him, she’d be VERY tempted to stay with him.”

My eyes got big. “Waitaminute. Is THAT the real reason why she chose Berkeley over Stanford?”

Belle shrugged and gave me an uncertain look. “I dunno. I’d like to believe she meant every word of trying to get out of her dad’s shadow at Stanford. But ... maybe?”

Alice raised both eyebrows at me. “And yet you two still aren’t gonna date each other?”

“Well, certainly not for the rest of high school,” I said. “The BTC means too much to both of us. I belong to the collective, and vice versa. That’s not going to change until college finally separates us.”

Mari leaned forward, eyes twinkling. “And then what happens when it’s just the three of you at Berkeley?”

Belle answered, “She’ll still want to focus on her academics.”

Mari’s eyes narrowed. “So what: the three of you just fuck each other’s brains out with no formalized relationships?”

“For Sam, Matty would be a dependable booty call to get uncomplicated stress-relief. For me, Matty would be my big brother with benefits.” Belle smirked. “Is it really any different from what we’re doing right now?”

“I suppose not,” Mari conceded with a sigh. “But the romantic in me still hopes at least ONE of you two pulls her head out of her ass and finally loves this gorgeous man the way he’s meant to be loved.”

“Well, you could always pull your head out of your ass,” Alice teased, “rescind your Caltech admission, and love this gorgeous man the way he’s meant to be loved.”

“I AM tempted.” Mari blushed and fiddled with her fingers. “Neither Alice nor Zofi seem interested, Belle’s withdrawn her application, Neevie didn’t get into Cal and seems content to just fuck your brains out as friends for the rest of the year, and Sam outright refuses to date you. The position would seem to be available.”

Belle looked down and muttered, “You’d come to Berkeley with us, I wouldn’t have to worry about greedy bitches stealing him, and obviously I know you’d share.”

Mari eyed Belle warily. “YOU were the one insisting Caltech was too good of an opportunity for me to pass up.”

“I was, and I still do.” Belle sighed. “My head knows it’s the right decision, but the selfish bitch inside me wants what’s best for Belle. You coming to Berkeley as Matty’s girlfriend would solve a lot of my problems, not the least of which is that I don’t wanna miss my BFF.”

Mari looked up at me, her eyes quietly intense. “So let’s just say I can relate to how hard it is for Sam to make the decision between her personal goals and being in love.” Mari’s eyes narrowed for a brief moment as the room went silent. Alice and Belle exchanged glances with each other, and I took a deep breath and gave Mari an apologetic look.

My expression apparently sealed the deal for her, though, and she started shaking her head. I knew I was in love with Sam, not her, and she knew it too. I apologized, “I’m sorry, Angel.”

Mari was already waving me off, saying, “The difference for me is that I know he doesn’t have the same depth of feelings I have for him; it makes my decision easier. I can rest easy at night knowing I didn’t miss out on the greatest love of my life because ... well ... I know I’m not the greatest love of HIS life. But for Matty to tell Sam he DOES love her like that?”

Mari turned to face me and shook her head sadly as she finished, “Good lord you’re fucking with that girl’s mind.”

After Mari’s pronouncement about how much I was fucking with Sam’s mind, I finally did get up and walk away from the conversation. I went up to my room, opened my textbooks, and proceeded to stare straight at the wall for far too long.

Near as I could tell, the girls remained in my family room talking for over an hour. You’d think we’d have already covered all the salient points, but never underestimate teenage girls’ ability to continue a conversation well beyond the “beating a dead horse” stage. In the end, though, they all went home.

Around dinnertime, Belle called to ask if I was coming over to join her and her dad. I told her I wasn’t hungry, and she correctly guessed that I wanted to be here just in case Sam came home. About an hour later she walked over a plate full of food for me, kissed my cheek, and thankfully left me alone.

I devoured the food, decided I needed to get out of my own head, and parked myself in front of the big TV playing video games in an attempt to distract myself.

I must’ve lost track of time, because the next thing I knew the bass rumble of the garage door rolling up vibrated through the house. My shoulders slumped, because Sam always parked outside and used a spare key to come in through the front door. I checked the clock and found that it was shortly after 9pm, and when Mother came inside, I didn’t bother looking up to greet her.

But she came over to check on me.

“I can’t remember the last time you were playing video games this late at night,” she remarked thoughtfully. “What’s wrong?”

I glanced at her for half a second before returning my attention to the screen. “Why does something have to be wrong?”

“I may not be very maternal, but I can tell when someone is withholding information,” Mother stated in an even voice that was nevertheless laced with subtle insinuation. She walked directly in front of me, blocking my view of the TV, and folded her arms across her chest. All subtlety then flew out the window when she gave me a cold glare and asked, “Where is Samantha right now? I noticed her Escalade isn’t parked outside.”

My eyes were suddenly moist. My attempts to distract myself had only worked to a degree, and the pang I felt inside at her absence had been eating away at me for hours. “I don’t know,” I muttered thickly.

Mother sighed. “What have you done?”

I pursed my lips and glared at her. “So quick to assume it’s MY fault?”

“It’s always the man’s fault. Even when it’s not.” Mother cracked a bit of a smirk at that.

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Yeah, well, maybe it is my fault,” I conceded.

“So I will repeat: What have you done?”

Already at my wit’s end, I had no strength to deflect or otherwise skirt around the truth. Setting the controller aside, I sighed and explained, “I told her that she’s beautiful, both inside and out. I told her she was the most amazing person I’d ever met. I told her she was intelligent and so very kind, so warm, and so hard-working. I told her I knew she didn’t want to have a romantic relationship with me and I told her I’d been trying to keep my feelings at bay ever since Friday morning, but that in the end I couldn’t help myself.”

“Oh, shit,” Mother cursed, sensing what was coming next.

“I told her I was in love with her, which is the absolute truth,” I continued. “I told her she was my favorite in the BTC.”

“Please tell me you didn’t ask her to become your girlfriend.”

I snorted and gave her a perplexed look. “I thought you WANTED me to tell her I loved her. All those quips about marrying me and staying in our house forever or becoming your daughter-in-law.”

Mother was aghast. “You DID ask her?”

“No, of course not,” I insisted with a sigh. “She’s made clear from the beginning that she didn’t want to become my girlfriend, and I was very clear that I wasn’t asking her to start dating or anything like that.”

Mother looked only slightly relieved. “But you DID tell her you loved her. You even used the word ‘favorite’.” They were accusatory statements, not questions, and I felt like I was on the witness stand.

I sighed and confirmed, “Yes.”

“And she ran away, of course.”

I sighed again. “In my defense, I tried to emotionally withdraw and keep her at bay for a few days to avoid having this happen.”

“And then you went ahead and let it happen anyway.” Shaking her head, she muttered, “Stupid, stupid boys. Always making dumb decisions without properly thinking through all the consequences.”

I scowled. “You know for a mom, you’re doing a real shitty job of making me feel better.”

Mother gave me a funny look. “Whatever gave you the idea I was trying to make you feel better?”

I just rubbed my forehead and sighed.

Mother started rubbing her forehead and sighed as well, and for a moment we were like mirror images of each other.

But Mother recovered more quickly than me, and she turned and came to sit down beside me on the couch. Reaching out, she actually took hold of my hand and held it atop her knee between both of her hands. “Matthew, I can’t say I have ever been there for you in a time of emotional need, and I’m not about to magically transform into your source of guidance or reassurance. But in this particular instance, I think it would be fair to say I understand more about Samantha’s feelings for you than you do.”

I blinked twice and looked at her curiously.

“Samantha loves you. Please don’t doubt that. But she’s extremely conflicted about those feelings and it’s not solely because she wants to focus on her academics or future career.”

I frowned. “It’s not?”

Mother shook her head. Taking a deep breath, she gave me a serious look and prefaced, “What I’m about to tell you are things she’s said to me in confidence - things she could perhaps get quite angry with me for revealing – things you may not enjoy hearing. But it’s important that you understand the problem in order to properly provide a solution. Otherwise I fear the two of you could do irreparable harm to your relationship, and that’s not something I want for either of you.”

I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly to calm myself, and forced myself to focus. “I’m listening.”

“Samantha is in love with you now, in love with the man you’ve become, but things were not always this way. For years you were just the safe ‘boy’ she had wrapped around her little finger. I told you before that she loved how obedient you were to her.”

I chuckled. “I remember.”

“She relished the adrenaline rush of teasing you mercilessly. It gave her quite a sense of power to be able to manipulate your arousal, to push your buttons, and to stretch the boundaries of your relationship without fear of you pushing back. Your obedience made her feel safe, safe enough to test her own limits, because she knew with absolute certainty that she had all the power in the relationship.”

I shrugged. “I remember those days.”

“She didn’t love you back then. She appreciated you, and she valued your friendship. But you were just a toy to her, a favored toy perhaps, but still just a toy. She was still attracted to the bad boys and craved the validation of their attention, not yours.”

I scowled. “I see what you mean about telling me things I won’t enjoy hearing.”

“Patience.” Mother gave me a stern look. “At the same time, you were her salvation. Much as she may have craved the validation of the bad boys, after her first few horrible experiences, she never let them touch her because she could never feel safe with them the way she felt with you. Every time some greasy fuckwit got close to her, she panicked and backed off.”

I blinked. “Did the phrase ‘greasy fuckwit’ just come out of your mouth?”

Mother smirked. “Samantha’s term, not mine.”

I chuckled and gestured for her to continue.

“Then came the ‘Holly incident’, as she put it. I understand that you were offered sex, but turned it down in favor of saving yourself for the BTC girls.”

I made a face. “Has Sam really told you ALL our secrets?”

Mother shrugged. “The saying goes that you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone, or in this case, nearly taken from you. I recall that it was not too long ago when you believed Samantha had gone out on a date with another man and the sudden jealousy consumed you.”

“I remember.”

“So it was for Samantha. The unexpected wave of jealousy surprised her and forced her to reevaluate your relationship. She recognized how much you’d grown, realized how much she enjoyed finding physical pleasure with you, and began to consider you as a serious partner for the very first time instead of a plaything so easily cast aside. She no longer craved attention from other men; she craved YOUR attention. And the competitive drive she has always possessed made her crave to be your ‘favorite’.”

“I know that part. But she got over it.”

Mother shook her head in the negative. “She still wants to be your favorite.”

I frowned. “She said she got over it. She even credited YOU with helping get her head on straight.”