Chapter 6: Riding the Horse in the Direction it’s Going

“She still in her room, Laz?”

“Something must have happened,” says Lazabel. “She’s had a nurse’s note, though. All official.”

“You want me to go up and talk to her again, love?”

Lazabel thinks. Then says, “Best just to leave her, Molc. You didn’t get far last time. That’s what she says to me, just leave me alone, mum, I’ll come out when I’m ready. She’s just been in there all day with the radio playing music. Or she’s in the bathroom. In the tub.”

Molcum snorts. “For how long? She’ll be wrinkled like a prune!”

“They’ve both deserted us,” says Lazabel.

“Who, you mean Taudy as well? He’s alright. He’s talking to me when he gets home, no problem.”

“He said anything about Yarra, Molc?” asks Lazabel. “Does he know what’s happened?”

He says, “You know the two schools don’t have any contact between them, Laza.”

“Through a fence, maybe?”

“There isn’t anywhere like that - Yarra says. It’s back to back buildings where the two schools are closest. No windows facing each other. They can’t see into the girls school. There’s a stream in between the outdoors too, apparently. I asked Taudy and he says they can see the stream from their school, then it’s just this big hill thing.”

“Why’s he upstairs again though? Lazabel asks. “It’s not like him to go up that early.”

“He’s just doing some homework, I expect.”

Though Molcum knows he almost certainly isn’t. It’s the fifth night since Billy Hall - Sunday now. He imagines Taudy must have analysed that nurse skit frame by frame by now. Molcum’s slightly worried now that Taudy’s first wank-fest will have been just so fixated on wedgying and breast abuse - even if it was in a comedy context.

Him and Lazabel have always tried to keep their sex lives private from the kids. That was partly why she’d been so put off by Billy Hall’s shenanigans: a bit too close to home for her, a bit too close to the actual truth. Now Taudy might be heading down the same path as Molcum. He’d always been keen on his BDSMs.

“What’s on telly?” asks his wife.

“Media Matters. Simin Lankland.”

“What side’s that on?”

“Popular,” says Molcum.

“Really? Isn’t that Lankland a serious sort?”

“Billy Hall’s not all they put out on Popular. But they’ve said they will be talking about Billy Hall again. Serious view though, like you say. He’s good, Simin Lankland, he always knows his stuff.”

It’s the same presenter, the same one who hosts Popular Arts. He’s got three guests seated for this late Sunday show in a round-table format. The table’s this low glass thing and they’re all sitting back in spacious turn-around chairs. Low light, drinks out on the table between them.

Lazabel parks her hips in her too-narrow, arms-too-high comfy chair. She’s decided to watch.

Lankland announces, “Tonight we’re going to be looking at the controversy around this week’s Billy Hall Show with Alard Helcker, the Billy Hall Show producer, Chendar Orbill, Popular’s commissioner of light entertainment, and Quade Esmont, Popular’s chief executive. Last Tuesday’s Billy Hall show has caused rather a lot of controversy for what’s generally been thought of as a pretty low-brow comedy sketch show. It was demonised by certain figures part way through the last Democratic Reform Government, who called it ‘the canary in the coal mine of Dogaland’s drift into moral corruption.’ DR’s subsequent in-flagrante policies led to something of a castration of The Billy Hall Show’s traditional men-chase-half-naked-girls-around-the-garden format. Indeed, some thought the days of that kind of entertainment numbered. But last Tuesday saw it return with a bang, with its older comic tropes renewed, and even, shockingly, reinforced. One critic this week called its extended nurse sketch, ‘A stunningly misogynistic theatre of cruelty, as unfunny as it is gratuitous.’”

Lankland swings his chair away from camera towards his three seated guests.

“I should emphasise,” he tells them, “that the critic is a well-respected commentator on the highbrow arts and culture Channel Three. We’ll start with the Billy Hall Show’s Producer, Alard Helcker. ‘A misogynistic theatre of cruelty, as unfunny as it is gratuitous.’ The words of Brallerd Weeks.”

Helcker says, “Well we did get a record number of complaints, it’s true. Though mostly from women. But in the last few days we’ve had an avalanche of letters of approval from much of the rest of our viewership.”

“An avalanche of approval. You mean, I presume, from your masculine viewership.”

“Not all, no, but we did seem to strike a chord with men, it’s true.”

Lankland observes, “In terms of complaints and allegations of gratuitous content, the key moment was obviously the extended hospital sketch. Nine minutes of almost uninterrupted imagery of one remarkably large-breasted nurse, and three others, being serially tripped, groped and, some have said, tortured. It’s the longest single continuous sketch that Billy Hall has ever shown, by all accounts. A one-off shock to boost audience figures? Or a hint of what’s to come in the rest of the run?”

Helcker flicks his eyebrows up and grins. “Not a one-off, no, Simin. A lot of the more enthusiastic letters have said they loved how the sketch just kept building!”

“There’s been a lot of criticism of gratuitous camera angles.” Lankland consults a set of notes. “I quote. ‘Lingering close-ups of genital regions.’ Chendar Orbill, you recommissioned the show last year. Did you have any idea what you were buying?”

“Yes of course I did,” says Orbill. “We don’t go into these things blind, do we, Simin? We had a lot of discussions with the Billy Hall production team. The strategy was fully aired and agreed to.”

“Lingering close-ups of genital regions?”

“The show’s production team were very keen to up its sexiness quotient. Having been a bȇte noir to the DR tut-tutters, the production team, and particularly Billy, were really rather keen to put two fingers up to the previous incumbents.”

“And you clearly agreed.”

“To be honest, I thought the timing was ideal.”

“Any comments on the nature of the content? ‘The belittling and crass sexualisation of womens’ bodies,’ another comment by Brallerd Weeks. A separate critic said, ‘Hall and his team reduce, by example, all women to objects of derision, to be prodded and poked at, even tortured, apparently for giggles.’”

Helcker jumps in. “For giggles,” he says. “And there’s the point. ‘I laughed so hard, I fell off my chair,’ that was one of the comments in praise of the show. It’s clear from our repeat show figures too - we’ve struck a real chord. We seem to have given a great deal of pleasure to a quite substantial section of the viewing public.”

“At the expense, perhaps, of an even bigger section?”

Helcker sits back and folds one ankle on a knee. “Well you can’t please all the people all the time,” he quips.

“Clearly,” says Lankland. “But specifically, the extended sketch format idea. Will that be a feature of up-coming shows?”

“We’ll be featuring long sketches in some shows, yes.”

“Of a similar complexion?”

“I predict we’ll be pushing some boundaries rather more.”

“Really. Extraordinary. Quade Esmont... ‘Pushing boundaries rather more?’”

“The name of the channel is Popular,” says the third of Lankland’s guests. “And so many of the reactions to last Tuesday’s broadcast, and especially our repeat shows, as Chendar brought up, suggest that single broadcast has been one of our most effective, ground-breaking shows ever. We’ve been looking at the whole of our output since DR were trounced. To put it bluntly, we’re convinced the time is ripe to sex up our output right across the board.”

Lankland, always so professional, falls silent, mouth hanging slightly open. “I suppose I should point out,” he says, “that this show and Tuesday’s Popular Arts are also part of this channel’s output.”

Chendar Orbill observes, “And you reviewed Bill Hall on the night it was broadcast.”

“And even showed a clip,” adds Helcker.

Quade Esmont says, “In fact, you’re trailing a change in the channel’s focus here and now.”

For a second time, Lankland seems stumped for words. When he recovers, he asks, “So last week’s Billy Hall Show will not stand alone?”

Orbill says, “We can see which direction the horse is going.”

“Across which strands of content?”

“Across anywhere we think that our audience will like it, Simin. Across a number of our strands. This is actually something we’ve been planning all last year. We took the decision quite quickly - Chendar will confirm - once the landslide election results were in.”

Chendar Orbill says, “That’s exactly how it happened. Once we’d analysed the way things had gone - a few focus groups, that kind of thing - we decided to - no more, no less - revolutionise our output. There’s been lots and lots of planning, and a big bang is coming. Beginning tonight, we have a whole new ident campaign about to launch. Smile - you’re watching Popular. There’ll be overhauls of programme announcements as well - of our weather format - even, Simin, of our soaps.”

“Your soaps?” asks Lankland, clearly surprised.

“Yep, soaps too. We’ll be delving into controversial topics in Ice Cream Days. A brand new schoolgirl strand, and another with our current actress Loala Gregeer, who starts as pretty young newlywed Nieti Yorkle. In the new schoolgirl strand, a terrific young actress, Jemmy Skiddles, will star.”

Simin Lankland, Media Matters’ anchor says, “The current girls schools controversy seems to be whether to allow teachers more leeway over punishments.”

Quade Esmont, the channel’s Chief Executive replies, “It’s a thread which Miss Skiddles may come up against, perhaps. And to trail, any punishment is not likely to be faked.”

“Really?” Lankland adjusts himself in his chair. “I presume Miss Skiddles is an older actress playing younger.”

“You may presume, Mr Lankland, but you may not be correct.”

From her narrow armchair, Lazabel says, “This all sounds horrible, Molcum. We’ll just have to stop watching Popular, won’t we? We can’t have Taudren and Yarra watching nasty stuff like that every night!”

On screen, Lankland has raised one eyebrow about as high as it will go. “Chendar Orbill,” he says, “you’re Popular’s Commissioner of Light Entertainment. Isn’t this all just - pandering to smut? What if wall-to-wall smut starts to put people off? Swinging Sardo Joinard’s pendulum back the way it came?”

“See?” Molcum’s wife says, while he keeps his own mouth shut.

“There’s an old adage is, Simin,” Orbill replies. “Sex sells. With a five year election cycle, there are four more years to run till the voters vote again. Assuming the Lib-Cons continue their de-regulation drive - that was their campaign stance - they’ll likely bin any other leftover bits of DR’s in-flagrante laws.”

Lankland shifts uncomfortably. “Their idea, I’d understood, was to let things fall back to where they were before. What you all seem to be saying is, you intend to push those boundaries - more casual titillation, more sexualisation - further than before the last electoral cycle.”

“Strike while the iron’s hot,” says Orbill. “In four more years, we’ll have bedded right in. What seems shocking now should feel more like the norm in four years’ time.”

Simin Lankland is looking increasingly uncomfortable. “Are you seriously saying that poking and pulling the breasts of a - presumably, willing actresses - will start to feel passé in four years’ time? You have more shocks coming?”

Lazabel Corkle’s nails are digging in the arms of her too-high, too-tight comfy chair. She’s staring at the TV, then staring off at Molcum, who’s refusing to look back.

“We want to drive tastes forward,” says Orbill “We do intend to develop the format, to carry on giving the public little shocks ... well, some shocks may be rather more extended, as you saw. We think the moment’s right now for a healthy dose - I won’t tart it up it - of smut on the telly, on at least this one channel. We’re betting our shirts it’ll be a winner in the ratings. Smut’s good for mens’ hearts, so the research tells us. Simin, people got so fed up of the previous Government’s moralising - so sick to the proverbial back teeth of it - that we reckon time is ripe for a healthy dose of visual pay-back.”

Quade Esmont comes in with, “It’s a simple calculation, to be honest, Mr Lankland. The country last year voted on a pretty narrow set of polarising issues, which more or less revolve around how women, and men, want women portrayed. The vote made it very clear now who has the upper hand. We simply intend to reflect that fact. To celebrate it, to be perfectly honest.”

“So Popular is the men’s channel now?”

“If you like,” says Esmont. “We’re riding this horse, and that’s the way it’s going.”

Simin Lankland’s nostrils flare. “There have been a spate of reports of copycat incidents, out in the real world. Some of them are pretty distressing to hear. Aren’t you, quite clearly, directing this particular horse?”

Alard Helcker jumps straight in. “Simin, stuff like that has always happened.”

“Yet it just this week spiked, by all accounts.”

Lazabel starts frowning. Her eyes flick to the ceiling, above which her son’s and daughter’s rooms sit. She’s rapidly blinking.

Helcker shrugs. “The odd surreptitious wedgie on the back of a bus? Pull the other one, Simin, that’s really nothing new. Men have always taken liberties. Why d’you think we dress our schoolgirls in skirts?”

“Oh my God, that’s dreadful,” Lazabel says.

Simin Lankland blinks and subtly shakes his head He notes the time, out of shot, then swings his chair to camera. He says clearly, reading his auto-cue, “Popular’s new idents, programme links and weather format begin airing immediately after this show. A new sub-plot featuring ingenue actress Jemmy Skiddles will be introduced on the three-days-a-week soap opera Ice Cream Days next week. The second episode of the current Billy Hall Show season airs on this channel at 7 PM on Tuesday night, with repeats on Saturday at 10 PM and on Sunday mornings at 8 AM. My thanks to Alard Helcker, Chendar Orbill and Quade Esmont for explaining this channel’s position.”

Lankland sighs, then moves on to a second segment.

Molcum Corkle carries on watching, still not acknowledging his wife’s angry looks. He thinks about Taudy. He wonders how all this will affect him in his world. He’s been upstairs just so much since that show was recorded.