Chapter 2: The Corkles Watch Billy Hall

The father of a watching family changes channels. The time is seven PM. A boy, perhaps fourteen, enthuses, “Billy Hall Show!” as the gurning comedian appears on screen.

“Your mother might prefer Mary Cooks,” the grinning father says, “that’s on Channel 3 about now.”

“Billy Hall!” the boys insists. “You like it as well!”

“Everyone likes the Billy Hall Show,” says his father. “New series, this is. Starting tonight! That’s why I’m sat here!”

The boy’s older sister, sixteen-year-old Yarra, wrinkles her nose and changes her position, feet folded under her on the far end of the sofa. The mother sighs, looks down, but stays seated in her tight corner armchair opposite.

At the end of the the new series Billy Hall Show credits, Billy Hall rattles out a string of nonsense words in a ridiculous accent, pulls a face, then strikes a cheeky pose with his hand on his hip.

There’s a silly chase scene. Molcum Corkle, young Taudren’s father, smiles to himself when he sees his favourite Billy Hall actress Jeneela Clooper (he saw her topless in The Currant newspaper just the other day), the girl whose tiny waist is only matched and equalled by her massive breasts, right there in the chase. They’ve filmed her running in a flimsy, baggy white tee shirt, but clearly no bra, Molcum sees with a gratified shock. His mouth falls open slightly when they switch to slow motion and her breasts are bouncing wildly. He hopes there’ll be more, but it’s back to the speeded-up action after just that one slow motion shot, with the silly chase ending in a Billy Hall pratfall.

Next, there’s a cut-away scene of Billy squidging the face of the toothless man, then slapping the man’s blown-up trombone cheeks.

There’s a fart joke sketch, with a whoopee cushion placed under seats as various actors sit down and react - including extended, high-pitched fart sounds from Jeneela Clooper with the tiny waist and the great big breasts. Her flimsy white tee shirt has wind blown up it from below, and it nearly - but not quite - lifts up over her nipples.

There’s a sketch where Billy Hall imitates a well-known politician from Democratic Reform, and another politician from the Liberal Conservatives. The idea is that the DC man wants to ban everything, everywhere, while the LC man lets anything happen, usually at the DC man’s expense. The sketch ends on a visual metaphor, when the Liberal Conservative opens a comically styled flood gate filled with what appears to be sewage behind the seated Democratic Reform man, and the deluge sweeps him right out of shot.

The mother of the family clears her throat and says, “Oh, they’re saying...”

“Swept away in a sea of shit,” says the father.

It’s quite far on in the show by now - perhaps twenty minutes in, with only ten to go - when the scene cuts to a hospital sketch. There’s the ancient, toothless patient sitting up in a narrow hospital bed, positioned on the left side of a long, white, hospital-style corridor. Behind him, a row of three more beds stretch off into the distance. All have Billy Hall male regulars sitting up in them, dressed in blue-striped pyjamas, all facing towards camera.

Billy Hall is playing a Doctor waiting at the side of the toothless man’s bed. Then the watching father’s favourite girl, the ultra-buxom, twenty-something nurse, struts up to stand in front of Billy, dressed in a uniform in traditional blue, but with a hidden, reinforced bra pushing her forty-plus breasts up and out, while separating them at a fifteen degree angle. The cut of the uniform has an extreme-plunging neckline which shows all of her top-breasts, quite a lot of inner breast and only barely covers her pronounced, jutting nipples. The top part of the uniform ends before her waist, which for a girl with such huge breasts really is remarkably slim. Then her hips swell, part-covered by a slightly flared nurse-blue skirt, which ends a good inch above the base of her bottom. Below this is a pair of white hold-up stockings, which top out four inches lower than her skirt, leaving naked, creamy-white thigh-tops revealed. Her white platform shoes leave her tottering on their narrow bases. As she faces the camera, Hall steps behind her, bends down, and shines a bright torch through the in-curving tops of her thighs, which are crowned by a pair of simple white knickers.

The camera cuts to close-up as the light shines through a triangular gap. The white knickers show a very subtle hint of camel toe.

Molcum Corkle, the watching father, feels like licking his lips, but he’s also conscious that his family can see him, since he’s the one who sits closest to the screen.

In a wider shot, Hall gurns towards camera, still bent low from the waist, pushing his lips out and miming, “Phooweer!”

The watching boy, in the middle of the sofa, giggles, then his eyes flick guiltily off towards his mother.

“This show’s getting worse,” she says to no-one in particular. “It’s only just gone twenty past seven!”

Hall stands up straight and points the girl towards the patient. The scene is playing out without dialogue, just as miming to music. The nurse turns to step forward, but Hall sticks his leg out so the nurse trips over, exactly as the toothless man on the bed lifts up both of his hands. The tips of both her breasts end up firmly gripped in his chubby, short fingers. He looks at the camera, gurning a phoowar expression, slowly squeezing both breasts. A sound-effect of honking geese plays.

The boy giggles loudly. He’s beaming as he watches, but he still flicks the odd embarrassed look towards his mother. Behind him on the sofa, his sister shakes her head.

Hall, playing doctor, wags a finger at the nurse and scalds her with jumbled nonsense words, which are over-laid over his moving lips as a sound effect.

Then Hall flips up the nurse’s skirt and slaps her bottom, leaving a clear hand print behind.

The watching family all expect the sketch to reset. But instead, Hall slides his other hand into the top of the nurse’s knickers at the back. He scalds with a finger of his other, free hand, frowning strongly as her head looks back. Then he pulls the girl’s knickers upwards, once, till the nurse’s hips very slightly jerk lightly. The wedgy-move is meant to be a punishment, the father sees.

Jeneela Clooper’s breasts, meanwhile, are still held by the toothless man. His eye direction drifts up to the ceiling, his squeezing gets lighter as the sounds of honking geese fade away.

In the home, the mother, Lazabel Corkle, has put one hand to her mouth. She tuts and sighs out, then flicks a guilty glance towards her sixteen year old daughter. Yarra isn’t laughing either. She looks quietly angry. Molcum Corkle follows his wife’s gaze, then laughs at the look on his own daughter’s face. She starts to lightly blush.

Billy Hall lets go and backs up. A second actor dressed as a doctor - like Hall - passes by, followed by a second Billy Hall girl dressed as another slutty nurse. They stop next to the second bed along the corridor. This girl is not quite so big up top, but she has a bigger and curvier bottom.

The first nurse, next to the toothless man, stands up again, facing back towards camera. Hall bends from the waist behind her, and again he shines his bright torch towards through the top of her legs. The shot cuts to a close-up again. The nurse’s knickers now show a bit more of the camel-toe effect from the upward tug he gave her. When the torch light moves away, Hall’s eye blinks through the triangular gap between the nurse’s upper thighs and her tighter-gripping knickers.

The boy is giggling, though he’s also now red-faced. This time though, he doesn’t feel like looking at his mum. Molcum Corkle still glances around at him, though, and they share a smile.

Hall stands, berates the nurse again and gestures once more to the patient in the bed. She turns, steps towards it, and he trips her once more. The camera cuts to a new shot which now shows the front of the nurse’s breasts, and her face as well. The toothless man’s hands grab at her breasts as they arc down towards him. His hand-squeezing this time increases in strength. Except he’s not only squeezing - he’s now subtly pulling her breasts towards him. As each squeeze pulls her breasts a little further, the nurse starts pulling a pain-distorted face. The sound of geese honking plays in time with the action on screen.

Then we’re back to a close-up of the nurse’s backside. Hall’s hand cracks down hard on her other bottom cheek and leaves a second imprint. Then the picture cuts to a wider shot and we see not just Hall, but the second doctor taking his nurse’s knickers in a gripping fist. Billy Hall pulls a bit more strongly upwards once, then twice. Jokey music is playing behind the sound effects, which seems to say that the abusive actions are not to be taken seriously. The picture now runs at a jerky, comic speed, but the knicker-pulling actions lasts for easily two seconds, so the actual actions must have lasted even longer.

Hall lets go. A third doctor and nurse pass and go to stand by the third bed in the corridor. The sequence repeats, though now Jeneela Clooper’s legs are separated somewhat. As the light shines between her upper thighs, the camel-toe effect is still more pronounced.

The close-up camera is dropping down and tilting up. Two of Hall’s fingers, one from each hand, push between the girl’s soft upper thighs to separate them. One eye, then another stares between them, ogling down towards the up-tilting camera.

As the music cycles back to the start, the girl stands, turns back around, is berated by Hall, turns away and is tripped so her breast fall back into grasping hands. The honking geese effect is back, and the toothless man’s gripping hands pull the nurse’s breasts to the sides now, then forward. The scene cuts to close-ups of the other nurses in sequence, to music. They are having their breast tips pulled as well.

“This is worse than I’ve ever seen it before!”

Lazabel Corkle’s words speak out in a high-pitched, embarrassed voice from her too-narrow armchair.

Taudren Corkle, the fourteen year old boy, looks at his father and sputters out a laugh. He’s in the middle of the sofa, his father is leaning deep into its arm, closest to the television.

“Turn it over, Dad,” says Yarra, his daughter, at the far end, past Taudren.

“No, don’t!” says the boy.

His sister slaps his leg. He slaps back and hits her knee.

On the television, Billy Hall slaps the nurse’s backside twice, left-right. One by one, the second and third nurses have their bottoms double-smacked.

Billy Hall grabs up Clooper’s knickers. This time, when he pulls upwards, three times, his hand’s position is blurring, like it’s straining. In successive shots, the knickers of the other two nurses are pulled up too. The camera angkes are different, though. The second girl’s shows her looking back between her legs. The third shows a really close-in angle on the crotch of the girl.

“Honestly!” says Lazabel Corkle.

Molcum glances around at his son, but the boy is staring, eyes wide, fixed on the screen.

In a wide shot, all three nurses stand, in sequence. A fourth doctor and nurse pass, who go to stand by the final bed in line. All four nurses are berated. All three doctors bend to look between their legs.