Chapter 18: Question and Answer Period

As we gathered for breakfast at our modern retreat facility, I noticed a similar pattern for almost all of the arriving attendees at the Love and Intimacy Retreat. Everyone had stayed up late and seemed to be wishing for more sleep. Because of that there was a run on the ‘high test’ coffee urn. People gradually woke up.

I was curious whether everyone at the seminar had swapped with others the night before. I could attest to five couples in that mode from what happened in our own bedroom. Moreover, we had a couple and some solo visitors from one of the other party rooms, so I felt certain about over half of the group.

Alice and I compared notes, and Edie helped since she’d gone to the other rooms. In the end we through that there might be three couples who we weren’t sure of. I made a list of their names, and promised to discretely try to figure out where they stood.

Fifteen minutes later, I opened the morning class talking about paradigms or models for relationships. I first talked about paradigms in general and how it was hard to see outside of the one you were living in or living with. I gave some examples from the corporate world; for instance, the Kodak management believed that photography would be film based forever, yet they invented the digital camera, and ultimately it was their demise.

I then had the class build the traditional relationship and marriage model. We filled a couple of flip charts. The key points I emphasized for the group in a bit of a summary were: monogamy, emotional and sexual exclusivity, possessiveness, accordant jealousy, male dominance to some degree, unequal roles and leadership, fixed role behavior, judgmental of each other’s behavior, fixed vows, fixed boundaries, responsible for spouses happiness, sole emotional provider, conditional love, and heterogeneous couple – man-woman.

When the class ran out of steam with ideas, I asked them to take one or two of the points and start to build a completely different paradigm for relationships. I urged, “Turn everything upside down and inside out.”

I pointed at Monica and gestured. She said, “Not exclusive either emotionally or sexually.”

“GOOD!” I stated loudly.

I pointed at Leah. She blurted out, “I can be intimate with many other people, not just my spouse.”

I was recording their words on a new flip chart. Bit by bit we built the contrasting model. There were discussions about compersion and how to achieve that level of thought, equality, jealousy, trust, and then whether there were limits on how many people you could love and be intimate with.

I goaded them about what would happen to their primary relationship if one of them developed secondary intimate relationships with everyone else in the room? I teased about the value of getting married in this model, and then how you’d raise children in it.

I brought up the situation of Penny catching David and Jean making love one day, and the various options she had before choosing the one she did. The class was spellbound with the story from Edie’s family. Edie added a few words, too, and certainly left the impression that I had an ‘intimate’ relationship with Penny.

We took a break. Alice then came and talked about in-between state of switching from one model to another. She emphasized the role that judgments and guilt would play, and how to get past them. She talked openly about sin, and how that might play in the game.

Just before lunch, Carl, Alice, Edie, and I stood in front of the class and pledged to support them in their transitions to the new state of relationship with their partner and with everyone they chose to be new.

After lunch, Carl ran his workshop on Active Listening, empathic behavior, and communication skills. He tied this to the new model as the critical success factor for it to work. He talked about the bad results with hidden agendas, unspoken topic areas, and issues too delicate to mention. He had many real examples from his counseling.

Carl cut to break by handing out a list of ten questions a couple should discuss to improve their intimacy. He promised a longer list of about a hundred questions for the next day and as long-term homework. The first list got each person to talk about their vulnerabilities, fears, and dreams about the future. My observation was that the couples at least discussed the questions for fifteen minutes and then took their break. More caffeine was popular.

I made it a point to talk to Ed and Jill, Tammy and Ethan, Steve and Susan, and Vivian and Wolf on the break. I wanted to find out to what extend they’d explored new intimacy the night before. I found the first two couples together near the coffee urn.

The four individuals were similar to each other. They were each in their mid-forties, had either become empty nesters or were facing that situation in the near term, and were in shape and vital individuals with good career tracks. I thought they were each pretty good looking, too.

I found the first two couples on my list right away. They welcomed me into their conversation circle. After some small talk, I asked, “I need to be a little blunt here, and there’s no ‘right’ answer. Did either of you explore an intimate physical relationship with others last night?” I smiled to show that I was either encouraging or judgment free if they did.

Jill said, “We didn’t. We were kind of scared to do anything. The four of us talked, but didn’t do anything. Ed and I went off to talk by ourselves about nine o’clock. We could hear some of the activity from one of the rooms as we passed by in the hallway.”

Ethan said, “We were like Ed and Jill. I think we wanted to do something, but were worried about what would happen. We didn’t want to hurt our marriage, but ... we were very interested.”

Tammy and Ed nodded in agreement.

“If you think you would like to, what could I do to help? I know that most of the class had a sexually-liberated evening last night. We are encouraging you to expand your personal intimate circles, but not insistent. You will be amazed at the positive impact it has on your marital intimacy.”

Jill said haltingly, “Would you show us how to start?” She reached over and held Tammy’s hand as she spoke. The two men nodded in agreement.

Ed said, “I don’t want to embarrass myself by asking to do something stupid and then being rebuffed.”

Ethan said, “I agree. I feel embarrassed still being nude and all, and then to propose something to Jill or any of the women that is inappropriate just would mortify me.”

I nodded, “What’s your room number. I’ll come by right after dinner. Why don’t the four of you be there.” I gestured at the two couples. They nodded, and I thought they seemed relieved to some extent.

I told them, “Just so you know, my philosophy about sex is that consenting adults can do whatever they want about sex and relationships. It’s all right to ask, and all right to say yes or no. Think about your boundaries. What would you like to do, and what are you sure you don’t want to try?”

The four nodded, and I moved on.

I talked to Steve and Susan on the patio as we all had a soft drink. I asked my ‘Did you?’ question again and this time I got embarrassed smiles.

Susan said, “Yes, we did do something. We were nervous and found that Wolf and Vivian were feeling the same way. We agreed to get together, so we did. We took a long time to ramp up to something genuinely sexual with each other, but we ... were satisfied when we went to bed ... with each other’s spouses. We had two beds in one room and each couple slept in a separate bed but we could see each other. We made love in the middle of the night, too.”

“If you want to talk about any aspect of what happened, the impacts on your relationships, or ... anything, I’m available and so are Edie, Alice, and Carl.”

Alice and Carl jointly taught the next class module about Tantric Sex. They had each of the individuals in the class sit with a person of the opposite sex that wasn’t their spouse or partner. Mostly, the class smiled and laughed about the arrangements.

I noted that our ‘hold outs’ willingly complied. After my talk with them, they all seemed more relaxed about the potential for sexual relationships developing.

There were various close intimate contact exercises that were given including the fondling of one another’s yoni and lingam to just short of penetration. As Carl talked about infinitely long lovemaking sessions for a couple, including multiple and frequent orgasms for both women and men, he had everyone’s attention, particularly the men.

Alice had everyone do a spiritual touching exercise that really drew each couple into strong emotional harmony with their partner and then their spouses. In the end, she repeated the exercise with a ‘new’ partner.

Carl then passed out his list of one hundred ‘must discuss’ questions for a couple to discuss to improve their intimacy. They jointly ended the session as they talked and responded to a few ‘How do I do this at home?’ questions.

I took over and again tasked the retreat attendees to further their development of emotional and physical intimate relations with others in the class. I talked about a willingness to love others as well as your partner, and to trust in their fidelity to the primary relationship. Edie joined me. We both offered to help in any way we could with their assignment and issues or concerns.

We had a more spirited cocktail hour. People were more animate and friendly with each other. There were more kisses and hugs going on, and I took in more deep discussions as couplings were arranged. I noted more than one wife arranging a coupling for her husband, a point that made me chuckle. I knew that some men didn’t want to appear too eager in this situation.

Edie and I had dinner with Ed and Jill, Tammy and Ethan, Steve and Susan, and Vivian and Wolf around us. Susan and Wolf were voluble about the seminar content. They were obviously eager to try some of the Tantric joining that they’d learned that afternoon.

Vivian warmed to Ethan and asked whether he would be her partner after dinner. He froze in response. A beautiful woman, not his spouse, had just propositioned him and wanted sex with him.

Tammy smiled and said to him, “Tell the nice lady that you would be ecstatic to be with her.”

Ethan said to her, “What about you?”

Tammy shrugged. Immediately Ed said, “I’d be delighted for Tammy to be with me, unless she has designs on someone else.”

Tammy smiled and nodded. She rapidly said, “I accept.”

Several other arrangements were quickly made; none of them the anticipated couples that I expected to work with. Both Edie and I invited the group to our spacious bedroom to start the couplings. They were all excited, and more than one hard-on formed. Edie assured me that the women were also aroused at the prospect.