Chapter 5

For a few seconds, I just couldn’t move.

Slowly but surely, reality started to set in. It took a while for me to grasp it, but it had happened: I killed a person. Because of what i’d done, someone was dead, and there was no going back. I was forever tainted, a criminal, a murderer, I was the exact same as the scum I so loathed before all of this. Before I found the book. That man, the man i killed, probably had a family, dreams, hopes for a future, and because of me, all of that had just turned to dust. My chest was hurting, and I felt like I was the biggest piece of shit in the history of the world.

I felt that it was strange that I had a carefully set up pillow, and bed sheets covering my body, had Arakawa done that? That was a bit out of character, I thought. Regardless, that wasn’t the time to bring that up.

I started to feel something slowly rising inside my stomach, and noticing that i was about to throw up, immediately jumped out of the bed and ran towards the bathroom, vomiting all of yesterday’s dinner into the toilet. I spent quite a few minutes throwing up, and when I was done with it, I still had that lingering sour taste in my mouth. I got back on my feet and looked at my own image in the mirror, realizing that I was still naked. I looked like crap on my reflection, i didn’t know if i was sick or anything, but i did know for sure that i was gonna skip school today. Maybe talking about it with Arakawa would help me get better, sharing my feelings with someone could help.

Almost dragging my feet across the room, I managed to put my clothes back on. My head now was hurting too, just to add insult to injury and make my mood even worse. Guilt didn’t even come close to describing what i was feeling. I’d not only murdered a person, but I’d done while sacrificing a life that I “made” with Arakawa. After getting ready, I walked towards the living room, just to see the girl watching TV with her arms crossed, she didn’t look very pleased either. It was on the commercial break.

“Good, you’re awake.” She said, sounding very professional. “We gotta get going, or we’ll be late for school.”

And thhere it was. She was treating the situation like it had been completely normal. Like sacrificing two lives for our own selfish ends was just another day at work. I hated when she acted like that, it really got under my skin.

“I’m not going.” I answered. “I’m not feeling well after last night.”

Arakawa gave me a weird look, I couldn’t really make up what she was thinking. “If you want, you can rest up here for today.” The girl suggested. “Ok, thanks.” I answered. That was a bit strange, i didn’t think that she would give a crap about me being shaken or not.

She then got her stuff and left. And now, I was alone. I knew she meant well, in her own way, by letting me stick around, but the lack of any acknowledgement about what happened yesterday really bothered me. I could tell that she was a little bit shaken at least, after all this time I could say that I knew her. But why ignore it? Wouldn’t talking about it be the better option?

And so, I spent the rest of the day resting and reflecting about yesterday. I thought about a lot of stuff, but nothing really had made me feel any better about any of it. Eventually, at sundown, Arakawa came back as I was sitting at her couch, still looking as down as before.

“Hey.” She greeted me.

“Hey.” I answered.

The girl went straight to her kitchen and came back with a cup of tea. “So, feeling better?” She asked.

“A little bit.” I lied, trying to avoid getting mocked by her.

“Good, think we can start today’s translation session?” She asked, casually. “I can do it on my own if it comes to that.”

And there it was, I thought I’d figured out why she was apparently so concerned about my well being. She wanted to use me to continue translating the fucking book. It had to be that. There was no way that girl would be so nice to me otherwise. And there was also the fact that she continued ignoring what happened yesterday, and this huge elephant in the room was getting a little bit too tough to ignore. The book this, the book that, magic this, magic that, it was always about that, and i was just some pawn she had to put up with.

“Wait a minute.” I raised my voice. “Aren’t we gonna talk about what happened?”

Arakawa rolled her eyes. Probably already knowing what I meant by that. She let out a sigh before answering my question.

“The spell worked, Aragaki is dead, our problem is solved, and now we can carry on.” She seemed quite impatient in her tone. “What more is there to talk about?”

I get up on my feet. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe about the fact that we MURDERED someone!? And that we’re criminals now!?”

Her face got pale when she heard that, but not for the reasons I expected. “Keep your voice down, idiot!” She had gotten really angry all of a sudden. “Do you want my neighbors to hear this shit!? We just barely avoided a lot of trouble, we don’t need more.”

“Is that all you care about!?” I asked. “Not getting caught!? What about the family of the guy we just slaughtered!? What about the little life we sacrificed for that!?”

“Of course i don’t care about them!” She replied, with a look of disgust in her face. “If you want me to tell you that i feel guilty or sorry about what happened, then forget it. We killed Aragaki because he was a threat to us, we outwitted him, and came out on top in the end. It’s survival of the fittest, that’s how the world works. His family has nothing to do with this.” She was getting angry, but I wasn’t gonna let myself be intimidated by her. I’ve had enough.

Hearing that just confirmed everything I already thought of her. She was ruthless, and an incredibly dangerous person that was using me for her own nefarious ends. I was about to reply but then she started talking again. “And about that ‘life’, it barely even qualifies. And if the spell for some reason failed and I got pregnant, I would’ve gotten rid of it anyway. You’re getting all worked up over nothing at all.”

My eyes widened, of course i didn’t expect her to keep my baby if she’d gotten pregnant, but there was no need to treat this like it’s a completely normal, almost mechanical, process! How could she be so cold and calculating all the time!?

She continued. “You’re way too soft, Kageyama.” She looked directly at my eyes. “Grow a pair.” The girl then turned around, and started walking towards theher room. “Now if you’re done wasting our time, we got a spellbook to translate.”

Up to that point, despite all that happened, i didn’t feel that i hated Arakawa. But when i heard that, if it wasn’t hate, what i felt was an emotion very similar to it. I just wanted to crack that indifferent persona she liked to put so much, to actually get her feeling angry just as I was, it was petty and I knew it, but my emotional state wasn’t exactly normal then, and so, the scales finally tipped. I grabbed my phone deciding on what to do, and Arakawa raised an eyebrow at that.

“I’m calling the police.” I said, in a serious tone. “I’m gonna confess everything and give them the book. We’re murderers, and we’re both going to jail for what we did.” Of course I didn’t actually mean that, going to jail now would make my actions up to that point completely pointless, after all, the whole reason I went through with it was to preserve my relationship with Asuka. But the fact that i didn’t fully regret what i’d done didn’t mean that it was easy for me to cope with having killed, and it certainly didn’t justify Arakawa being an absolute bitch to me about it and making everything even worse. Not everyone was born a fucking psycho like her, and i didn’t have to put up with that. I wanted to give her one big scare, and that was the only way I could think of to get back at her at that time.

She immediately froze up, it was then that I knew that I had hit the nail in the head. “Put that phone away. Right. Now.” Her tone was calm, but I could tell that it was full of emotion. She was scared, exactly as I wanted. And i had to admit, i was a bit scared of her death stare too, but i wanted to push her buttons a little bit more. “Or what? You’re gonna kill me too?” I challenged her, and as I wanted, it only added fuel to the fire. She took a step towards me, and I took a step backwards.

I started to dial the police’s number as I saw her walking towards me. “Stop that!” I finished it, and hit the little green button. “Kageyama, hang up that phone!!!” She yelled, and then rushed towards me, i was taller than her, so i tried keeping the thing out of her reach, i succeeded for a few instants. “Police department, how can i help you?” We both heard, they had picked up. Arakawa’s face went pale, and she immediately gave me a huge slap to the face, making me drop the phone to the ground. Enraged and with my cheeks still burning, I grabbed her arm. We started to struggle as she did her best to try and reach the phone on the ground. “Hello?” The cop asked, making her grow ever more desperate. Until...

In the struggle, I lost my balance and ended up falling to the ground, hitting the TV in the process, making it fall too. And because I was holding Arakawa’s hand, she suffered the same fate. The sound of the TV crashing on the floor was very loud, all of the neighbors probably heard it. Me and Arakawa laid in the ground, still a bit startled, for a few more instants. The girl finally managed to get my phone, only to realize that I had it muted, and so, probably figured out what I was doing from the start. The look on her face was of pure rage, and as she hung it up and looked at me, I thought she was about to pull out a knife and stab me on the spot.

“GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE!” She yelled, her face crimson red, as I slowly got up on my feet. “GET OUT!” She yelled again, throwing my phone at me. I’d never seen her like this before, and although i’d achieved my goal, i wasn’t as satisfied as i thought i’d be. I slowly got up on my feet, noticing the destroyed TV on the ground. I also noticed that she had a small bruise on her left foot, probably a bad fall. It made me feel a little bit bad about what i’d done, but at that moment anyone would know that the only real choice i had was to leave the place. And so I did.

I went back home extremely conflicted. I still thought that her behavior was horrible, and I really hated the way she viewed what we’d done. But i couldn’t help feeling a little bit sorry, maybe it’s just as she said and i’m just way too soft. Perhaps even a little stupid. When I got home it was still early at night, and my emotional state was still the same. Although I wasn’t angry anymore, I was sad and frustrated, it was like nothing mattered anymore. And the guilt for what I’d done kept eating away at my conscience, even if I didn’t regret it. I’d probably destroyed my relationship with Arakawa after that stunt, and the best case scenario was that she’ll cut all ties to me entirely, the worst case scenario, well ... i don’t wanna think about what it could be. Nevertheless, our partnership was over, no more book translating for either of us. Which could be a good thing for me, maybe. With Arakawa out of the picture, I could concentrate on living a happy, peaceful life with Asuka. Could that be my happy ending? I wondered.

And so, remembering the reason i’d done that, i decided to call Asuka and ask her to drop by. I hadn’t seen her since our date, and she was probably worried about me skipping school today. After a few minutes, my doorbell rang, and I opened the door to find my girlfriend, still in her school uniform. She came inside and I grabbed two cans of iced coffee, and we drank as she told me about her school day. Having her with me was very comforting, it made me feel loved, the way she treated me like i’m the most important person in the world to her was something that i’d never felt before in my whole life.

Even with myself trying to avoid showing it, Asuka noticed how distraught i looked. “Did something happen, Saito?” She asked, worried. “You don’t look very good.”

I took a deep breath. Of course i couldn’t tell her about what happened, so i decided to make something up and keep the details a bit vague. “I had a big fight with a family member, now I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.” I answered. Asuka looked concerned, and she held my hand, gripping it tight. “This may sound a bit cliché, but...” She made a silly smile. “Just follow your heart! Do what you really want, that way it won’t be that bad even if it fails.” I chuckled at that, Asuka shines like the sun, and that normally useless advice, somehow, managed to resonate a bit with me. That girl was really precious, and I was really glad to have met her.