Chapter 2 : Home Planets and Coneheads

Dan tried to shake the chlorine smell from his nose. They were across town at a wealthy school’s natatorium. Dré was competing in the individual medley, at the start she leapt from her block and knifed into her lane. Dan knew the rules: “The swimmer shall swim the prescribed distance in the following order: the first one-fourth, butterfly; the second one-fourth, backstroke; the third one-fourth, breaststroke; and the last one-fourth, freestyle” (crawl).

She would have finished first, but for an abdominal cramp during her last (eighth) leg. Muttering, she grabbed a towel and went for the stairs, along with her friend Pam, a diver. They sat up in the seats (certainly not benches) with Dan.

“Pamela,” he intoned a greeting. “You had them, Dré, until the end. What happened?”

“Fucking cramp in my fucking leg fucked up my finish. Fuck!” Dan laughed. “There goes Ms. Dré, the genteel paragon of sweet sociability.” Dré extended both middle fingers. “See, just as I said.” Pamela giggled.

“And what brings you, Ms. Pamela, to this palace of inbred wealth?” Pam gestured towards her dripping and damp Speedo.” “I will give you a chance to guess.”

“Ah, a challenge! Let’s wager: loser buys treats for all of us, agreed?” Pam nodded.

“I think you came here to test the towels for absorbency by flinging your body into the pool at regular intervals.” Dré rolled her eyes. “You’re wrong, clueless. I like chocolate chip ice cream, and Dré wants strawberry. Now, we’re done here today, so please wait while we shower and dress.”

Pam liked goofing around with the Foleys, but Dan perplexed her. He was always extra polite to her, but showed no particular interest despite her obvious (to her) signals towards him. He didn’t even react to the idea of her in the shower. All alone in the shower. Naked in the shower, even.

She was right. Dan was expecting Pam to fall in with some athlete, and he had preemptively avoided being rejected. So he stifled an “I’ll wash your back” offer and kept his seat. Dan had already struggled through the event as lithe young women passed in front of him in their extra-clingy nylon suits. To avoid being seen as pervy, he kept his eyes looking down on his textbooks.

In the lockers, Pam inquired, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Is Dan gay?” “Hell if I know. He’s never dated anyone, never gone out. With anybody, Pam. He may not even be human. I think he escaped from the Planet of the Nerds.”

Rejoining Dan, the girls asked, “Ready.” To Pam, “Your chariot awaits without, Milady.” To Dré, “I’ll open the trunk for you.” “Without what, Sir Dan?” asked Pam, innocently. Somehow they were arranged and belted into Dan’s little Fi-ech-sta and bumping along towards Coneheads.

Squished into a booth for their treats, Pam asked, “Soooo, Dan, who are you taking to the Junior Prom?” Dan, scornfully, “On my planet, we don’t have proms.” The girls erupted into shrieks of laughter. Dan, humiliated, stomped out and sat in his car, fuming. Although he did finish his ice cream.

The girls reappeared and apologized, and the remainder of the day passed. At bedtime, Dan knocked on the door. “Sister, you have a minute?”

Dan sat on the edge of Andrea’s bed; she sat up with the sheets tucked under her arms. “Can you explain why you and Pamela were so hysterical at Coneheads?” Dré bit her lower lip. “I’m not sure I should tell you, it’s kind of embarrassing. Um, to you as much as me.”

“Please, tell me. You seemed pretty tickled at the time, OK?” “Promise me, Dan, don’t get all upset! It was just words.”

Dré took a deep breath. “You know Pam likes you, right?” “I guess,” Dan shrugged. “Well, she wonders why you don’t find her attractive, I mean, she’s super-cute.”

“So, in the lockers, she asked me if you were gay.” “Gay!?” “I told her how you never went out, never had a girlfriend, studied all the time, and you must be an alien from the Planet of the Nerds.”

And then, at Coneheads, Pam asked about the prom, and you said... “ Dan remembered: “On my planet, there are no proms.” Dan shook his head, and tiredly made to leave. “For the record, Dré, I am not gay, I agree Pamela is very attractive, and thank you for the explanation. Please tell her I’m sorry, and thank you for telling me what happened. Good night.

Dan shambled out and carefully closed their bedroom doors behind him.