Chapter 1: Cooties and Parentheses

Dan Foley was no athlete. In his high school, that made him invisible to his peers. He was required on every school day to change into a jockstrap, shorts, and an A-shirt (sleeveless) and exercise with the other 11th grade males. Followed by a required mass shower and dragging to his next class. As far as Dan was concerned, the whole period was a waste of time. Not particularly tall, muscular, or co-ordinated, the rowdy jocks barely noticed him. Outside the gym, his wardrobe was very plain, there was no adult woman in their home to advise him on style.

As far as his dad was concerned, younger sister Andrea (“Dré”) was the star. She was swimming every day and competed for the school in regional meets. Dad tried, with limited success, to conceal his disappointment in his son. Dan compensated by being extra-attentive to his homework and class assignments, to the point where he had added advanced placement (AP) classes to his load.

One evening when Dad was working late, Dan was reading his history text when he was startled by a crash. He found Dré on her bedroom floor next to her overturned desk chair. “What happened?” “I was trying to hang this poster of Michael Phelps when I suddenly decided to switch from swimming to diving.” “So I see,” said Dan. “Want help?”

They cooperated and hung the poster on her wall. “So, Dré, your kind of guy?”

“No, my kind of swimmer, Dan, eight gold medals in the Beijing Olympics! Now beat it, I’m going to take a bath.” Dan chuckled, “Want help?” Dré punched Dan’s shoulder. “Go!” In his bedroom, Dan pictured Dré naked in the tub and free of icky sister cooties. But that line of thought led nowhere and, wearily, he resumed reading his history text.

In the morning, Dré zoomed through the kitchen, dumping her breakfast dishes in the sink and taking her book bag. “See you tonight, Dad!” Dan picked up the rest of the dishes and began washing. (It was early, Dré had swimming practice before school started.) He noticed his father looked drawn and tired. “Want some coffee?” “No, son, I’ll get some at work. Thanks for cleaning up.” “No problemo, dad.”

At school, Dan drifted through his classes. He was caught up or ahead in each of the subjects, which left him plenty of “Walter Mitty” time. For those unfamiliar, James Thurber’s short story “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” describes a middle-aged married man who has vivid fantasies of heroism while going about his mundane life. Unlike the story, Dan didn’t see himself as a fighter pilot, surgeon, or similar.

Dan instead daydreamed of his life as a sheikh, with a harem of pretty young women. Or as a great business leader, with more money than he could possibly spend. Or a professional athlete, top-billed film actor, a musical performer, an F1 racing driver, etc. In every scenario, beautiful sensual women were on his arms.

“Mr. Foley? I asked you a question.” Dan startled out of his reveries. “Sorry, would you repeat, please?”

“What’s her name, Foley?” Dan was puzzled, his fellow students were laughing. “Never mind. Tell me what is wrong with Sharon’s work up here on the board.” “Um, um, oh. Sharon messed up her order of precedence. The whole thing on the right should be divided by 3, instead of just subtracting 1/3 from the rest of it.”

“How do you prevent this error?” “Adding parentheses would explain how to complete the calculation correctly.” “Good. In future, please leave your girlfriend out of my classroom, yes?” Dan was embarrassed being caught out so easily, but also because he knew his only real romance was with his hand.

Chapter 2 »