Chapter 7

I have no idea how long it was until I was thinking clearly again. It was at least a month though, and I wanted to die as that crap worked its way out of my system. And I still have flashes of sitting on the ground crying, trying to attack the orderlies, and even once or twice trying to leave.

But it was fragmented. Other memories are not so clear or nice. I remember pissing and shitting in the hallway because they would not let me have any crystal when I was at my worst, and the humiliation of being made to wear a diaper that I could not even remove. They kept me in that diaper for a week and I had to ask for them to change it like I was a baby.

After three months, I was finally mostly clear-headed. My parents were there as the doctor brought me into her office, and asked if they could be present as she had somethings I needed to know now that I was lucid. I said it was fine, and she started going through my test results. Listing the drugs that had been in my system when I was first brought in, my poor health and nutrition, and the tooth loss. I honestly said I had no idea when or how I had lost three of my teeth.

And the sores and scabs, I had a lot of them but especially on my knees, face, and arms. And then she went over the diseases I had picked up. Thankfully, almost all of them cleared up with the strong antibiotic treatment they had put me on. I was off of most of them by now but still took a few.

We then went over future treatment. They agreed to keep me there another two months, as a form of a transitional arrangement. But after that I would need to find a new home. My mom held my hand and said they were still working on things. And I told them I was scared, that I still did not feel like myself, and I knew there was something wrong with me.

“Well Linda, there is still a lot of psychological trauma you need to work through, but we are not a psychiatric facility. We can only keep you here for six months, you will have to move elsewhere then. And it’s not about you, we simply need the space so we can help others like you that need help.”

I nodded, and dad said he knew of a few places I could go. They then talked about my medication, and I largely tuned that out. Thankfully, the County was paying for that, as I was the care of the state. Apparently, I was on some kind of welfare program. Yippie for being broke!

I was surprised when the next weekend, Amanda came! I was outside in the garden, the same one I had talked with mom in a year or so before. I was sitting on the edge of the fountain and saw her walking towards me. And I panicked! As she got closer, I cringed and moved away from her. She stopped, moved a bit closer, and I moved away, I did not want her slapping me again. I saw the tears on her face, and I know she was not angry this time. But the last time, she had said she would kill me, and I did not want to get killed.

I was still not completely rational, I guess I’m still not completely rational. But I’m getting better.

I watched her reach her hand out, and it was like I was a scared dog. She told me it was alright, she was glad to see me and that she had been scared. She moved a step closer and I watched her warily. Then another, and she still did not attack me.

“Promise you won’t hit me?” I said. She cried even harder and nodded, saying she would not hit me. I took a chance and hugged her. And I actually felt better, as my big Little Sister held me in her arms, holding me against her and crying.

We talked for over an hour, and she apologized for the last time we had met. “I read your letters, Pete showed them to me. I felt so ashamed. I had no idea, Linda, no idea! I thought you were going to try more of your mind games on him, I did not know you were trying to apologize.”

“Well, you had every right to hit me, I deserved it.”

“Oh bullshit sis, I did not! I spent so long being mad at you and had no idea what all you had gone through. Now, I wish I had not done that. Maybe I could have helped you more instead of pushing you away like I did.”

“You did what you had to do, Mandy. I know now I was in a self-destructive spiral and was getting worse. And it looks like I finally made it. I finally destroyed myself.”

“Oh nonsense, I’m going to be with you. And we are going to get you better.”

“Mandy, nobody gets better. We only learn to live with what we have, what we are.”

“Bullshit, look at daddy. He’s a lot better now, has held a job for years. And has a good wife again. He got better, you’ll get better.”

“But I will never get better. I will only, get used to who and what I am. I will always be poor sick, crazy Linda. Who only knows how to make a living by spreading her legs. And I can’t even do that anymore.”

“Well, I will help you get through all of that. I promise.”

I asked her about Pete and was surprised that she rarely saw him anymore. “Oh, Pete moved on,” she said, almost dismissively. “We still talk sometimes, but I live in San Francisco now. He is still here in The Valley. Do you want him to come see you?”

“NO!” I almost screamed it and felt a little panic rising again. “No! I can’t see him! I can’t!” Mandy held me and I realized I was shaking. I calmed down again and was once again crying. “Mandy, you heard what he did, right? What I was doing, what he did for me?”

She nodded, and I wiped my eyes. “Mandy, he saved my life, and I treated him like that. I was so out of my mind, I did not even know who he was. I can still remember the craving, wanting him to fuck my ass so I could get some more crystal. He was right, you were all right. I really am nothing but a whore.”

“Was, Linda. Was. You said it yourself you could never do that again.”

“I can’t do that again. Heck, I could not go back to that now even if I wanted to.”

And the sad part is, part of me did want to return to that. Hell, it felt good having some guy fuck me then give me some money as I left. I could get a nice fucking most times, and get money on top of it. Or have some guy or girl fuck me in front of a camera, and make even more money. I admit I liked getting fucked. Even if I knew they did not love me, at least it felt good.

She asked me my plans, and I said I was moving elsewhere soon. She made me agree that she could talk to Pete about me, but to keep it general. But no, I did not want to see him. At least, not yet. Part of me ached to see him, but I know I could not do that to him. He surely would not even want to touch me now, knowing what he must know now. Nobody would want to touch me, ever again.

A few months later I did move. It was kind of halfway between a hospital, and a dorm. The “West Valley Mental Institution”, in other words a funny farm. The first few months I was entirely “inpatient”, and could not leave the grounds unsupervised. I shared a room with an older gal who had some kind of compulsive disorder. Then she left, and the next gal was almost catatonic, she just sat in her bed and had to be told to do almost anything.

I was doing a lot of meetings, both in groups and with my shrink. Finally, she asked me what I wanted to do next, and I said I did not know. She pulled out a pamphlet that looked like it was made from newspaper and asked me to read through it.

West Valley Occupational Center. It was kind of like a state run technical school near the community college. As a patient I could attend for free, they would even provide transportation, I just had to pick classes I wanted to take. I looked through it, and half of it did not make sense. HVAC? Hydraulics? I barely knew what that was, and had no interest in doing them. Automotive repair? I could not even keep my own car working. Welding, plumbing, electrician? Yea, a 5 foot girl in those fields, I would be a joke. Although I did smile as I considered if I took welding, I could go back to dancing and be like the girl in Flashdance. Welder by day, stripper by night.

Finally, I saw that they taught office and clerical work. I pointed at that page. “I actually have some experience at that, but not enough to get a job at it. But I think that’s something I could do.”

So the next month, five of us would get into a van and with a bag lunch they would drive us to the WVOC. First, it was a month and a half on how to use a computer, and some I was remembering from when I worked with Rocco, or when Pete had his when we were together. I even had a few guys try to hit on me, and ask me out. That was kind of flattering, but I turned them all down.

Then came a time I knew would eventually happen. One of the guys in the automotive class said he had loved my work. It seems he had loved my videos and owned two of my tapes. I told him I was retired, and not interested in doing that again. However, he smiled and said he was aware of that.

We were at a bench in the back, and he said he was not interested in anything like that. But he had a crush on me though, and admitted he would like to take me out sometime. And he did seem like a nice kid. He said he simply wanted me to know that he was aware of who I was, so I would not feel the need to hide it. And, I actually got that. Finally, I agreed the next month when he never brought my old career up again, but still would ask me out to dinner or a movie.

Yeah, the back of my mind knew what “dinner and a movie” meant. For over a decade, that means they buy me dinner and a movie, I provide the after-show entertainment.

I finally agreed, and Ben was actually nice. We skipped the movie as I had to be back by 8. But he took me to a Denny’s and had dinner, then at the end I had him drop me off in front of an apartment complex off Topanga Canyon Boulevard. I then walked the last half-mile home. No reason to let him know where I actually lived.

I was on the second class on Word Perfect when I asked for and was given a pass to stay out until 11. That time we did see a movie. And I had been told kissing was safe, so we kissed for a bit. I am just glad I did not have a roommate at that time because I masturbated as soon as I got to my room afterwards.

I was at the mall a few weeks later and heard somebody calling out my name. But it was not my name, it was another name. Then I felt a hand on my arm, and turned and looked. It was Sissy! She gave me a hug and asked me how I had been. I said I was living in the area and was now retired. She then told me she was loving the new series and thanked me again for letting her take over for me. She then invited me to the food court for a cup of coffee.

God, was I like that? Back in school, I used to joke about being a “Valley Girl”, and all of us girls did it. But it seems all Sissy wanted to talk about was the money she made, the clothes she was buying, and the guys that were fucking her.

She asked if I wanted her to tell anybody that she had seen me, and I shook my head. “No, but thank you Sissy. I’m out of that now, moved on. That is just all a part of my past now.”

Well, it should not have surprised me that she did tell others. Two weeks later I was walking on Topanga, and saw a nice looking Lexus pull up. The driver rolled the window down as I walked by, and I just ignored him and walked past. Even though my instinct was still to go to the window and ask if he wanted a date.

“Linda, get in,” however was not what I expected. I looked inside, and it was Rocco. I sighed and got in, and we went to a fast food place. We ordered and sat in his car, and he asked me how I had been. I told him some of it, but not everything. That I had gotten onto some bad drugs, and was still in rehabilitation but getting better. And I was working on learning more about computers so I would be able to get a job when I was ready to go back to the world.

He told me he was worried about me, and so was Sherri. “Sissy told us both she had seen you, and where. Since then if I’m in this area of town I have looked for you, and finally found you. We were all really worried about you, Linda.”

“Well, Sherri has Buck now. And me, I can’t ever go back to porn ever again.”

He sighed. “I tried to tell you. We all begged you to get help, Linda. And I’m glad you are finally getting it, I just wish it had not come to that. I love this industry, but I also know it chews up a lot of girls and spits them out, guys too. But you do seem better than the last time we talked, and I’m glad. But please, if you ever need anything, just ask. I would like to think I am your friend, not just a guy that paid you money.”

And at that time, I realized he really was a friend. I reached out and held his hand, and thanked him for that. “Oh, and I’m still holding your money. It’s safe and in the bank collecting interest. Give me an address and I can send it to you.”

“Money, what money?”

He looked at me and shook his head. “Linda, remember our agreement? I am many things, a pornographer, I cheat on my wife, I cheat on my taxes, I even admit I’m a bit of an ephebophile as I like when I can snag a new girl who is 18 or 19. But have never been a crook. You still own part of the ‘Handjob Queen’ series, I’ve been banking your royalties for a year now. Remember, you own 15% of the series itself. And not just the videos you are in, you are a partner on all of them, even the ones Sissy has made, and the ones Sherri was making after you disappeared. Every single one of those still makes you money. They are your creation, that will always be yours unless you sell it. And I’m even in the process of re-releasing your older ones as a boxed set. They are still some of our best selling tapes. I think the last time I looked, there was about $65,000 in the account.”

Holy fuck, $65,000? I was fucking living in a box covered in plastic and begging guys to fuck my ass less than a year ago. Only getting a cheap motel every week or so and living out of my car before that. And I had that much money in the bank?

I sighed and simply told him to keep holding it for me. “I can’t use it where I am, and if it was in my name the state would probably want a big chunk of it. I’m on state aid, if I took it they would take most of it to pay back for that.”

He nodded, and pulled out a notebook and wrote out a note that basically said that he wanted me to keep holding the money and asked me to sign it. “This is just so that if we are ever audited, I can show that we are holding your money, and not trying to hide it to avoid paying taxes.” That made sense, so I signed. He then pulled out his wallet and pulled everything out of it. He counted, then at the bottom wrote down the amount. He had me sign it, then handed me $700. “Here, I will deduct that, but you should have some money. And here is my card, in case you forgot or lost my number. Call me any time, if you ever need anything Linda. Oh, and Sherri wants to see you.”

I sighed, and then took a deep breath. “I want to see her also Rocco, but I can’t. I almost destroyed her, and I was the one that got her into that industry. I probably fucked her life up as much as I fucked up my own.”

“Oh bullshit, Linda. You seem to have forgotten, she had been working for me for months before she ever met you. I would admit that most of the reason she became a star was because of you, but she was very happy as part of my ‘Street Corner Girls’, ‘Fast Food Girls’, and ‘Urban Girls’ videos before I ever talked her into taking part in that ‘Handjob Queen’ video with you. And honestly, she is mostly retired now. She and Buck got married about a few months ago, but that is largely a secret. She now only does a few movies a year and she has your old job. And doing a great job of it I might add, but not quite as good as you did. But you taught her a lot in that area also. No, she only does a few shoots a year, and only with Buck, or other girls. And he only does handjob videos or works only with her. They are one of four or five couples in the industry now like that. Willing to fuck each other on camera, but only each other. This entire AIDS thing has caused a lot of them to change. Some are now insisting on condoms, but only a few so far.”

“Well, tell Sherri that I am happy for her and that I still love her. But not in the bad way. But I don’t think I can handle seeing her right now. But please, tell her that it is not her at all, it’s me. And I am honestly happy for her.”

He nodded, and I let him drive me all the way home. He nodded when we got to the front, and once again made me promise to call him if I needed anything. I watched him drive off and wondered if maybe my leaving The Valley would be a good idea.

Yeah, right. Where in the fuck would I go? Idaho? This was the only area I knew, yet this would surely happen again and again. It was likely only because I had my implants removed and that my hair was back to a dark brown that more people did not recognize me.

That week after class though I did have the van drop me off on Sherman Way, and said I would walk the rest of the way back to the facility. And I went into an adult bookstore and looked around. Yep, it was just as I remembered. I looked through the videos and saw I was on quite a few of them. Sissy had now made more than I ever had as Handjob Queen, and she seemed to be doing two guys at once in several, something I had almost never done. And eww, spraying on her face. I never did like getting facials. I even saw some of the ones that Honey and Sherri had made.

But there on the back wall was what I wanted. I picked up a replacement for Petey, and another that was more lifelike, covered in a blue latex and with veins even. And these like spheres in the base that would move around according to the box. I selected both of them and headed to the register.

The guy behind it took my money, and other than that barely seemed to notice me. They went into the small black backpack with my books and I headed on out and started the walk home. It was about 2 miles, but it was a nice day and I was feeling myself getting stronger.

It had taken months to get my strength back up, muscle atropine, or something like that they had said. They had gotten weak as I rarely used them, and I now had to stay strong for health reasons. I stopped at a drug store and picked up some batteries and lubricant, and headed on back home.

My roommate was at an evening session, so I knew I had an hour. I used the toys and fucked myself like crazy for most of that. I was in my robe after a long hot shower when I went back, and my roommate snickered when I came in. She had opened the window and said I needed to do that next time.

“Girl, what you do in here is your own business, lord knows I do it also. But I came in, and it smelled like you had an orgy in here. Who all was in here?”

I laughed and said it was just me. More than once I had heard her scratching at night, and was sure she had heard the same from me. But we were both discrete, a word my mom loved to use. “Well, just remember that I live here too, and you are not the only one going without as we are here in Club Mental. It’s rough knowing my roomie was getting some, and I have to wait for the lights to go out and you to fall asleep to get mine.”

I grinned at April and told her there was no reason to wait for me to fall asleep. “If you need to, just go for it. I won’t judge you, and just might do the same thing.” She grinned and said she was not into girls and I laughed. “Oh, not do you, just do the same thing you are, over in my own bed. And I promise I will not tease you if I hear you gasp. At least, no more than you would tease me if you heard me moan.”

Well, it was nicer after that. That night I did indeed hear her, and I know she heard me when I joined in a few minutes later. I was laying on my back with my nightie pulled up around my waist when she softly thanked me afterward. “You know, I had never done that before, with another girl in the room. It was kind of nice.”

I told her the story of Kim and I masturbating in my bed when we were in High School. Just as it had been that time, just lying next to each other and masturbating, not touching each other at all, other than holding hands. She said it actually sounded kind of nice, and I admitted it was. “Truth is, she started it. I was telling her about my boyfriend, and I did not even realize she was fingering herself as I told her about our dates. But once I realized, I had to do it too.”

“Kinda like tonight. OK, so long as it’s like this, I can handle it. And it was sexy, knowing you were doing it too and hearing you. But if you ever come over here, I’ll scream.” I laughed and said I would never do that. We shared the room for another two months and we did that two or three times a week. Towards the end, I had even bought her a toy of her own. She hugged me and giggled after I gave it to her. I asked her what she was going to name it, and she giggled and asked if I named mine.

“Oh, of course!” I pulled them both out and laid them on my bed. “Now this one is Petey. He’s named after my first boyfriend, he bought me one exactly like it. He’s hard, and about the perfect size for me. Now this one, I call him Gary. He’s almost the same size as a dear friend of mine, and it reminds me of the times we did make love. We only did it a few times, but it was always nice.”

That night as I had Gary in my cunt and Petey in my ass, I heard April softly whimper “John”. I asked if that was the name she had picked, and she said it was. That was our longest session yet, and both of us had a couple of orgasms before we went to sleep.

A week later I was moved to another facility a mile away. This one really was “Transitional Living”. It was an old motel, and for the first month, it would be like being in the facility. I still had mandatory sessions I had to attend twice a week, and I had to report to the nurse for medication when needed. But other than an 12 at night to 6 in the morning curfew during the first month, we could come and go as we liked.

That weekend I gave a call to Rocco, and he came and picked me up. We went to a car lot he knew about, and soon I had the keys to a 1986 Yugo. It was red, and not a great car. But it was all mine. I signed another piece of paper, and Rocco said he would deduct it from what he owed me. He also had the car put in his name and said when he got the title he would sign it and hand it over. “Just date it and put the miles on it if you ever want to sell it. This is your car, but this way they can not try to claim it as assets.”

I laughed. “Rocco, it’s a Yugo. This state is in a lot of trouble if they want to take this piece of shit. But thank you.” I gave him a huge hug, and even a long soft kiss on the cheek.

And the next weekend I had dinner with Mom and my new step-dad. And even Mandy was there. They all said I was looking better, and I asked when I would meet Mandy’s boyfriend. Mandy said he hated LA, and would not come here so she left him there. But the next day, she took me shopping.

And wow, was she sharp! She drove us to Wilshire, and into one of the fanciest department stores in town. Something I had never known existed came up, and I had my own “Personal Shopper” go and get things and bring them to me to try on, as Mandy and I sat in this little room with fancy coffee in tiny cups. “Linda, you are going out into the real working world now, you need to look the part. You need a real wardrobe, and I’m getting you one.” I hugged and thanked her, saying I did not deserve her. “Linda, you were not a great sister at the end, and I’m sure neither was I. And for ages, I hated you for what you had done. I don’t hate you anymore.”

She refused to let me see how much she spent, but I know it was a bundle. And she had an amazing eye. I had four dresses, and several skirt and blouse combinations as well as slacks that could be used for a dozen more outfits. All very professional looking, and most were dry clean only. So I knew they were really good.

We drove over the hill again and had dinner with Dad, and Sally. They both said I was looking a lot better. I thanked them both again, and they asked about my stuff in the garage. They had no problem with holding it, but wanted to know if I could use any of it.

Mandy and I went into the garage and started going through boxes. I set aside my computers, I did want those. Dad put them into the back of Mandy’s car as Sally and Mandy helped me go through boxes. A lot of them were clothes, and I selected a bunch and put them into two boxes and into the car. Then Mandy gasped and closed the box she had just opened. Sally was next to her, and I moved closer to see what it was. I giggled and asked if she wanted to borrow any. Sally of course wanted to know what it was, and when Mandy looked to me I just nodded. And she opened it to show Sally what was inside.

This was my “Work Box”. Copies of every video I had made which was sold, my awards, and a few dozen toys. Sally gasped also. And when dad asked what it was, she sent him into the house. “Linda my dear, I am almost afraid to ask what some of those are! You have used all of those?”

“Well, yes. Or had them used on me. My girlfriend was like me, a bit of a freak. We both liked kinky things sometimes.” I saw Sally lift out a small leather flogger, and raise her eyebrow at me. “Oh, neither of us was into pain, here.” I took it from her and lightly hit her on the arm. “Just like that, as a way to tease, never to hurt each other.” She grinned at me, and took it back and tried it on her own arm. Then she placed it on the ground next to her and said she would put it back into the box sometime later.

I think that surprised both Mandy and I, but why not? Mandy asked if I wanted to take that box, and I shook my head. “Naw, I don’t even have a TV, so no reason to take the movies. I already have a few toys, these can stay here. As for the awards, that might raise some questions when they check the rooms if they see them. Those can stay here, but when I do get my own place I will probably want them.”

The next three boxes all had a big “K” on them, and I told Mandy to leave them where they were. Sally said they were probably kitchen things, and I might need some. At that, I could not help but giggle. “No Sally, ‘K’ is for ‘Kink’. My leather outfits, my latex suit, and some other things. Most of that is going to be lingerie, but who knows? Maybe I can find somebody to donate them to.”

“Heck, talk to Pete,” Mandy said. “He runs this phone computer service now, and he told me that a lot of people buy things like that. You could probably make a lot off of it.” She opened the top box, and pulled out a leather bustier and held it up. “Here, one of a kind, worn by Miss Holly Wood in her award-winning film ‘Valley Girls Can’t Say No’! A true piece of movie history.”

Sally and I both laughed, and I looked at her. “You know that movie?”

Mandy blushed and nodded. “When I moved in with my boyfriend, he had a few tapes. He put it on once, said I would like it because I was a ‘Valley Girl’ myself. It was about 30 minutes in when I realized you were in it, and by then it was too late to stop it. Sis, I have to admit that you were good, but I’m glad it is behind you now.”

“Well, thanks Mandy. I am actually glad also. But this was not from that movie. That was from ‘Romancing the Boner’ actually.” Both of them cracked up at that, and Mandy dropped it back into the box and we moved on to the next one.

“Really, you did a movie called ‘Romancing the Boner’?” Sally asked.

“Uh-huh. I was even in the sequel, ‘Jizz on the Nile’. That was after shooting on film had largely died, and we would go somewhere with a few camcorders. And no, we did not go to Egypt. We shot it somewhere near Sacramento. It was the only slow-moving brown water they could find. But man, was that water cold!”

Mandy nodded, and when I described where we had gone from what I remembered, she said she knew the area. “That’s closer to Pittsburgh, but the same area. Lots of people go fishing and boating up there.”

“Oh, I know! We had to stop shooting at one point because two guys in a boat were watching us with binoculars. But as I said, that’s all in the past now.”

Finally, we said goodbye, and after putting it all into Mandy’s car we all hugged again, and Mandy took me home. One of the guys even helped me move it all into my room, and after I hugged Mandy again she headed back to Mom’s and I relaxed on the bed. The next day I washed everything I could, both old and new. Then I set up the computer and put my books next to it, and put my resume on a disk and took it downstairs to the office. They printed off ten copies for me, and I went back and selected one of my nicer outfits. A brown skirt that reached below my knees, a white blouse, and pantyhose. I then decided I needed a night out. And after taking a shower I got dressed in something else.

A much shorter black leather skirt, which did hang looser on me than it had before. And a matching black silk blouse. After spending a few minutes deciding, I left the bra off and selected a black leather vest. Even with my weight loss, the implants had ensured I did not lose my tits.

And after dinner, I drove to Harlow’s. Sam squealed as soon as I came in, and gave me a huge hug and kissed my cheek. I sat at the bar as she asked me how I was and where I had been. I told her almost everything, saying I had a rough year but was getting better. Even Blue and a few other girls came by, and indeed one of them was flirting with me. But Sam told them all to go back to work.