Chapter 5

Things were finally looking up, for the first time in ages. Rocco was happy with the new scripts I was turning out, and sometimes we would sit around his living room with Sherri and a few others and hash out ideas.

It was Marcus, one of Rocco’s common male stars that asked exactly what my position was. “I mean, is she your Director? Assistant Director? Your Associate Producer? Your Script Girl? Sorry, Holly, I’m kinda trying to figure out where you exactly fit into this.”

“Oh that’s simple, she’s the Associate Director.”

The sound guy who I still thought of as “Pencil Dick” then laughed. “Rocco, there’s no such thing as an ‘Associate Director’. There is just not such a position in film.” He attended a semester and a half at UCLA before he was dropped for partying more than studying, and he loved to act like he knew more than the rest of us.

“Well, there is now, and Holly is the first one. Because I say she is. We all know she can not really direct, her few attempts were really not all that great. But can any of you deny that when she does tell us what to do or how to do it, that it is not good?” They all shook their heads. “We now do feature type movies, over an hour long that have won awards, because Holly here tells us what girls want. I checked, stores say that more girls now buy our tapes than any other, not counting the lesbian tapes. And even our lesbian tapes sell well, because of Holly. So if anybody asks, she is Associate Producer and Associate Director.”

“And occasional fluffer,” Marcus said, and I laughed as I threw a pillow at him. “Well, I would not get called out to perform those duties quite so often if you could ever manage to get it all the way up, or keep it up for more than five minutes there, Maurice.”

“Marcus baby, Marcus,” Maurice said with a feigned hurt expression. “Maurice sounds like I should be in those films they make in West Hollywood, not here. Sorry, this boy has no interest in doing films with other guys. And even if I was, I would be a pitcher, not a catcher.”

We were hashing out a script for the shoot next week, and trying to decide where we would hold all of the shoots at. Maurice was going for the beach, but Sherri was trying to veto that. “Marcus, no matter how careful you or any guy is, we end up with sand inside. And abrasions inside our cunts that feel like we’re getting fucked with a sandpaper cock. If you really want beach sex, fine. I’ll blow you, I’ll let you fuck my tits, I’ll even let you finger me outside. But nothing goes inside.”

I closed my eyes a moment, then smiled. I reached over and squeezed Sherri’s hand. “OK baby, how about this? We do all of that. You can blow Marcus, and he can pull down your bikini and finger you, before sitting across your belly and fucking your tits for a bit.” I saw her nod, and Marcus did also. And Rocco was looking at me closely. “Then we have you get up onto the blanket in the doggie position...”

“Nope, I already told you, I ain’t taking him in me on the beach!”

“God, let me finish please baby! No, he does not put it in you. He fucks your ass cheeks. We can get some great shots of his big black dick squeezed by your tight white bottom as he fucks your ass cleavage. Hmm, better yet, a slight compromise. At the very end say you do not want his cum on you. At that point he puts the head, just the head of his cock into your pussy and cums there. We still get the internal cumshot, and he does not actually fuck you.” I then looked Marcus dead in the eye and said “And if my girlfriend says no fucking on the beach, you better not even try. Just the head, if more than the crown slips between her perfect little pussy lips, I ‘ll make sure that when they do the titles I make sure you are credited as ‘Maurice, in his final straight performance’.”

Sherri smiled and nodded, kissing my cheek as even Marcus roared out in laughter. “God damn Holly! And the thing is, I actually believe you would do exactly that! No baby, you know I’m just a big teddy bear. I would no more hurt Sherri there then I would hurt you. Why do you think I have only done an anal shot with only one girl?”

“Hell Marcus, I can’t say I blame them. And we all know that Lili has taken the Hedgehog and Johnny Wadd in the pooper without batting an eyelash. As impressive as you are, I think she might need something like a fist to even notice it was in there.”

At that we all raised our glasses, and drank a toast to Johnny. Sherri said she had never worked with him, and I smiled. “Oh, I did, twice. He was actually a very kind man, but by the time I met him he was off the drugs. I was told he was a real mean bastard back when he was using. And yes, he’s fucking huge, but he does not really get fully hard. It was a bit like loosing my cherry all over again when he first got it inside, but I could tell it was still half soft. Girls like Lili and Melissa can have him, I’ve never been a size queen.”

They all looked at me, and Rocco asked when that was. “1986, and you have seen all of my tests Rocco. I’m still negative, and don’t plan on going back that route again.”

So it was decided the first and last scenes would be on the beach with Marcus and Sherri. The first one fucking in the back of his truck right after they get there and before going to the beach. Then in the dark on the beach itself with the scene as I had described. We then hashed out who would do what, and Sherri grinned and said it had been a while since she was a cheating slut. So I wrote down and described four scenes of Sherri cheating on her “boyfriend”, one we would shoot at an abandoned movie ranch Rocco said he knew in the area. Marcus then suggested that the last scene should be a lesbian one.

“Nope, not gonna happen. The only girl I make love with is Holly here, nobody else.”

I kissed her and said we could do a compromise. “Sherri, imagine this. We use that old closed strip club in Panorama City that Rocco uses sometimes. We set it in the day, your car breaks down and you walk in to get into the cool shade as you wait to call Marcus after work. You go in and realize it’s a strip club. You are not into girls, but you need to get out of the hot sun. We alternate between a few shots of a naked Asian girl dancing, and of your boyfriend fucking you. Soft focus, hazy edges like a dream. Then we slowly introduce some shots of your boyfriend fucking the dancer. Then we show you trying to masturbate without being seen as you watch the dancer and have these fantasies. Then at the end, it is the dancer and Marcus both making love to you.”

I could see them all looking at me, and Sherri seemed to be breathing a bit faster. “We only drag this for maybe ten minutes of screen time though. We end the fantasy early as the girl dancing leaves the stage. We have you looking frustrated, and you look at the black girl that takes the stage. Let’s get a slim slender one and not a big booty one, then the Asian girl sits next to you. We have no dialog, just music, and you and her obviously talking. And she is flirting with you, but you are unsure. Just the music providing the sound. You ask her for something, and she nods and takes you to the back. Only as you enter the dressing room do we finally have voices, and she says ‘Oh, sorry but girl potty back here, you need use ours. Please, to go in and I make sure nobody disturb you.’ In fact, we all know that is how it is, we film it to appear they pass the men’s room to get back there, no girl’s room visible. Hmm, you sit on the toilet and say something, I know, the catch on your skirt breaks. You ask for a safety pin and the Asian girl comes in. ‘Oh, pretty skirt broken? You wait here, Kimmie be back with something.’ You put your skirt on that shelf above the toilet, and you have a thong on under it. You rub your pussy though it and the fantasy returns for a few minutes, then Kimmie comes back.” I could see that everybody was watching me closely, and Marcus and Sherri were both breathing a bit faster.

“Kimmie watches for a few seconds, then softly says ‘I no find pin but I find this, you try now, I think it fit’, and hands you a short black skirt that will barely cover your pussy. You put it on, then Kimmie drops to her knees and looks up at you, and you see the adoration in her eyes as she says it looks pretty, and offers to adjust it better. But instead of tugging it lower, she pushes up the front and starts to caress your pussy through your thong. You moan, and your hands reach back to grasp the edge of the sink. You lean back against it, then after your hand moves around hesitating, you finally rest it on the back of her head and pull her in. She kisses you through your thong, then hooks it to the side and starts to lick your pussy as you lean against the sink. We show several shots of this, and Rocco, that new split-screen you have? We use it, but four screens, like that old Wild Wild West show. One of Sherri’s face, one of Kimmie’s face, one from a camera on the ground looking up at Kimmie licking Sherri’s pussy, then another of Kimmie fingering her own pussy until they both have an orgasm. She can then help Sherri to really get dressed, and with a kiss that shows Sherri licking her wetness off of Kimmie’s face she leaves to call Marcus to come and pick her up. That is what leads them to be back on the beach again for the second time.”

“Holy fuck baby, that sounds incredible!” Sherri said. “But I still ain’t gonna do it.”

“Aww, that’s too bad. Rocco, can you talk her into doing it, for me?”

“Holly, I ain’t gonna get between the two of you, I know better than that. You and I both know Sherri will do no other girls but you.”

I then smiled, and put my hands on the side of my face, and pulled at the corner of my eyes. “Baby, you not even do for Kimmie? Kimmie say she like think of pleasing you like this.” Sherri got it right before the others, and held my face with both hands and kissed me deeply. “God, now I get what you were saying. Linda, can you really do something like that?”

“Well, you all tell me. Not many recognize me anymore with my new-old body, and tell me that did not sound like some Asian girl that did not know much English? Get me a black wig and the right makeup, I bet I can pull it off. Oh, and we do NOT credit me as ‘Holly Wood’. Put me on the sheets as, oh, ‘Kimiko Lee’. Right makeup, how I talk, and we keep the lights low and I bet nobody will even notice it’s really me.”

Well, “Fantasy Beach” went off just as expected. The shoot was over four days, Thursday for most of them with Sherri and the various guys, Friday for the shots with Sherri and Marcus, then on Monday we did the club scene, than the ones with the three of us together. It was fun dancing on the stage, but we quickly found out that before my top came off, the black light had to be turned off. I had not realized that scars glow almost white under a black light. So we had the light guy instead turn to a soft red, and that worked fine.

And it was exciting dancing for Sherri, as she really was masturbating for me as I danced for her. I even licked my lips as I saw her fingertips slip between her lips, and she blew me a kiss. We shot about an hour of tape like that, and I know I was wet by the time we finished. I even got to use some of my old skills, ones I never used in front of a camera before. Like crawling to the top of the pole, wrapping my thighs around the very top, then slipping down upside down. Even gripping hard halfway so I could move my hands up to squeeze my breasts, licking my lips as I did for Sherri. Then moving towards the front of the stage towards the end, and finally allowing the black light as the camera zoomed in on my pussy, fingers pulling my lips apart and showing that I really was wet. Thankfully the makeup girl had even taken the time to brush something into my public hairs to make them black to match my wig.

We did the walk and conversation several times, until I started to eat her out. And holy fuck my lover was hot, she came less than a minute after my tongue first licked her clit. Thankfully Rocco knew to just sit back and film and not say a fucking thing when I was making love to Sherri. I was able to bring her off another time and I was fingering myself faster as I broke for a second and roughly said “Other camera, now.” They actually had a small camcorder on an RC car that they moved between her thighs, and could move around to get the angles they wanted without another cameraman down there.

And we both came for real, within seconds of each other. Her on my face and tongue, and me on my fingers. She looked suitably embarrassed as she thanked me, and I giggled softly and said “Kimmie hope you come again, and come again soon.” Rocco had barely finished calling it a wrap when Sherri pushed me into the bathroom and slammed the door. She had me hop up on the sink, and then proceeded to eat me out to two orgasms before finally finishing. The crew giving loud applause at my moans and cries of passion and love.

And for the fantasy scene, Rocco did up the stage in white sheets and used a soft blue light to illuminate it as Rocco, Sherri and I all made love. This was Sherri’s fantasy, so it had to be more like making love than just fucking. It had been a while since I had done more than handjobs and fluffing, and I actually cried out and had a small orgasm when I heard Rocco tell Marcus to “Keep it inside!” as Marcus pounded me even faster. Sherri was still kissing me as I threw my thighs wide as I realized he was actually cumming inside of me! Then a few seconds later Marcus rolled off and Sherri pulled up with a grin, Rocco directing me to just lie there.

And I knew I had been set up! Rocco must have shot five minutes of me with my legs spread wide, Marcus’ cum dripping out of my snatch and dripping down my ass as my lover giggled softly. “You all planned this, didn’t you!” I accused her.

“Uh-huh, we all figured it was only fair that you give you your own messy internal. You have had me get them all the time, now it’s my turn. Got all you need Rocco?”

He admitted that he had, then Sherri surprised me by crawling between my legs and starting to eat me out! Licking up the cum dropping out of me, then slurping her tongue inside and almost scooping out more with her tongue. I had not had a real orgasm during the filming, just the one little one. But I had a wonderful one then, then two more which left me laying there gasping.

Of course, the next month the last laugh was on Sherri and I. Rocco handed me a tape of “Fantasy Beach”, and told me we should watch it that night. That son of a bitch! Now the script had not included a cum shot during the threesome, and he left it in! Not only that, he had continued to shoot as my baby ate me out afterwards, even getting some great shots of her licking the cum leaking out of my pussy and swallowing it.

Then on her drive to the beach with Marcus, he intercut more fantasy shots. This time of Sherri fantasizing she had not only let me make love to her at the club, but that she had made love to me in return. Including Sherri eating me out! We looked at each other and laughed, completely forgetting about the camera on the little car, and the one they had mounted in the ceiling for overhead shots.

We were both surprised, but also admitted that it worked very well. “I still can’t believe you had him cum in me though.”

“Well, I have a feeling it’s been a very long time since you felt that. And you have eaten my messy pussy so many times, I wanted to do it myself. I sometimes think you even have a fetish about eating cum out of my cunt. Because almost every shoot you have a guy do that to me, and you almost always eat me afterwards.”

I nodded and said that I had not realized it, but in fact I had. “But you are the only person I have done that to Sherri.” She asked if anybody had done it to me, I said no. Then I remembered. The back of Pete’s truck, with a sexy Vietnamese girl, and a sexy Indian. I held Sherri and cried softly, and admitted I had.

“Actually, I had two girls do that to me in school. Fuck, did I even pick the name ‘Kimmie’ because of my friend?”

“Shush baby, shush. Your friend, was her name ‘Kimiko’? I shook my head no, and she kissed me softly. “You told Rocco that first time to credit you as ‘Kimiko Lee’, that’s a Japanese name. And I know Kimberly Nguyen is Vietnamese. You told me enough about her in the last year or so. Kimmie is a natural shortening for Kimiko, so think nothing of it.”

A few months later we actually won several awards from the video industry. And even several praised us in making porn that was “Enjoyable by women, and not offensive”. I did a few more “Handjob Queen” videos, then handed the title off to a new girl named “Sissy”. We even had a special we made, where I held a contest between Sissy and Sherri, for who would get my crown. Of course, it was all staged, and we had 24 guys on set. And all three off us stroked them off several times. For the finale, after Sissy was “crowned”, Sherri and I took turns stroking the guys until they were almost there, then they went over so that Sissy could finish them on her face and tits.

That last part took almost an hour, and we were all laughing and having a fun time, as Sissy had over three dozen loads dripping off of her at the end. Even Rocco, Pencil Dick, and most of the crew took a turn. And Sherri and I even shared many kisses on camera as we were jacking the guys off. Once while we were letting Rocco fuck my tits, and Pencil Dick fucked Sherri’s tits. But all of the loads still went onto Sissy. Then Sherri and I each kissed a cheek as she smiled at her “New Title”, both of our faces getting messy. Then some shots during the end credit sequence with Sissy licking the cum off of our faces.

We all showered and talked in the bathroom afterwards, and Sissy was thankful for the chance to have her own series after almost a year of being just another “Video Girl”. “Are you really retiring, Holly?”

“Well, mostly. Let’s just say I’m happier behind the camera, but I still will be doing some work on occasion.” Of course, neither Sherri nor I mentioned that “Kimiko Lee” had been surprisingly popular, and I had done two other shoots as her, one with Sherri. And Rocco had many requests from others to hire her, and he simply said she was exclusive to him, and had agreed to only work on a few shoots a year.

And he swore to cut the nuts off of anybody that ever leaked who Kimiko Lee really was. And I am sure everybody believed him, because that is one secret that never did leak. Of course, most of us knew who was really behind Rocco’s film company, and who many of his friends were. That threat could have actually been completely serious if Rocco was mad enough.

But it was getting harder to keep my drinking hidden. I had taken to keeping bottles of vodka in the trunk of the car, and sneaking out to grab a pint and stashing it in my purse, pouring some from it when Sherri was not looking. More than once I even had her drive me home from work, saying I had a headache or was too tired to drive. When in reality I was so bombed I could not safely drive.

The surprise though was when I called my mom one day. Now I did this about every six months. Our conversations were always strained, but I at least wanted to know her and Mandy were doing well. I called her shortly after the awards, and mom told me that she had a conversation with Pete. We talked about the night at the theater again, and I told her I was not stalking him, I really did want to try and apologize.

“I know that, I guess I knew it then. I was there, but I don’t think you saw me. Linda, you looked scared. Were you scared of Pete?”

“Yeah, kinda. Mommy, he’s so big, and I am almost afraid he might hit me. And the last time we talked, he was so angry. And I hurt him so much.”

I heard my mom sigh. “Linda, you should know better than me that he would never hurt you. At least not with anything other than words. He and I have talked about that night, actually. And he said that so long as you approach him civilly in a public location at a future accidental meeting, he will not enforce the order. He suggested that you have a note ready in your purse, and just give it to him and leave. He will not call the police or anything. And I believe him, he told me he still wishes the best for you, that simply you are part of his past now.”

I sniffed and wiped away a few tears, and thanked her. “Linda, Pete told me about the note, he heard about it from Julie. Did you really intend to send a note with the rings, and kept it all this time?”

“I did mom, in fact I still have it. I forgot I told Julie about that.”

“Well, if you are honest and sincere, do not give him that. I can only suspect what it might have been like, and you were a little whore and a bitch back then.” I gasped softly, mom never talked to me like that! “Write a new one, make your apology, and I suggest you come clean, at least as much as you are able to.”

I said I would, then asked how he was. He had a new girlfriend, that I knew. Mom said she really liked her, and that he now ran a shop selling used computers in Burbank. “It’s ‘Computer Outlet’, so make sure you stay away from that. I like his girlfriend though, she’s really sharp. And Larry and Dee are talking about moving back to Idaho next year.”

“Idaho? Why back up there? I thought they had to leave there?”

“Oh, you don’t know. Pete bought their old ranch back. That French house is now where Kim and her family live, and both Pete and his dad have built houses for themselves there also. Larry and Dee want to move there before George starts school, Pete is using his for vacations and retirement. But between us, I will be surprised if Pete stays here another ten years. Things are serious between him and Becky, and I have a feeling that they will be married in a year or two, and kids after that. And I bet he will do the same thing his dad does, get the hell out of LA before his kids start school.”

“Yeah, he never really did like LA all that much. But enough about Pete, how’s Mandy?”

“Mandy told me to tell you that she’s fine. And that’s all.”

I sobbed softly, and asked if she had at least graduated. “Yes, she has her Bachelor’s Degree in Marketing, and has a job with a big company on Wilshire. That is me to you, she really hates you, you know.”

“I know mom, she made that obvious at the party that night.”

“She never told me, but Julie did. Did she really slap you?” I admitted she did, twice. “And you did nothing Linda? Why?”

“Mommy, she was right. I messed her life up, I messed Peter’s life up. I did not go there for a fight, I wanted to apologize. And I decided if part of my apology meant letting her slap me, I would let her. I saw her that night, and realized how much I had fucked up. I saw her as a spoiled child when I left. And somehow I not only lost her, I missed seeing her grow up into that woman I saw. I could no more have stood against that woman that I could against Pete. And I know she has him now.”

Mom chuckled. “Oh no baby, she has a boyfriend, and it’s not Pete. But you should be proud of your sister. I know I am. No, she is still one of Pete’s closest friends, but they are not lovers. He only has eyes for Becky, you should know how he is by now.” I said she was right, but I also remembered nights with Kimmie and Kim. So I knew that was not entirely true.

She promised to pass my apology to Mandy, but said not to hold my breath. She sighed, then said she almost never admitted she had a sister anymore. “At most, she will talk about you as if you were an old friend, normally calling you ‘Holly’. But here, I have one other message I promised to pass to you. Got a pen and paper?” I grabbed one and told her I was ready. She then read off a phone number, and it was in the 213 area code, so that meant LA itself. “OK, got it mom, who’s this?”

“Linda, I promised I would pass that on. It’s your father.” I felt my breath catch, and felt my heart racing. “He’s been out for a few years now, and I promised to give you his number. I can’t tell you what to do, but I promised to give that to you, and now I have.”

I told her I loved her and hung up. I filled a tumbler glass of vodka from my stash and drank it down, then sat there looking at the number. Did I want to call him? I know he would ask me what I was doing, what daughter wants to tell her daddy she fucks for a living? Either doing it in front of cameras, or letting strangers fuck her for money in hotel rooms?

No father wants to talk to or even acknowledge their daughter is a whore. A mother might, as she might identify with us a bit, we all had the same parts. But a father? That would mean his seed was bad, and no man ever wanted to be faced with that. I put the number in my purse, maybe someday.

The next day at work I was able to find that disk with the letter I had started before I got served those papers. I was about to erase it, then decided to just print it out as it was, unfinished. I then went and dug into my box of personal things and pulled out all the letters I had stashed in there also. One after our meeting at his house, and another when I was with Bobby. I read them and it hurt, but I had a feeling I needed to come completely clean. It had written so many letters, and was so scared I never mailed them so they just went into boxes or drawers.

I then wrote a simple one that went on the front of all of them, explaining that this was going to be all letters I had written. As is, and unedited. And to please read them all until the end before passing judgment. I then wrote a three page one, trying to say what I had intended to say that night at the theater. Apologizing for all the pain I had caused, and accepting all the blame for everything I had done to hurt those I loved. And that I knew I did not deserve forgiveness, but that I had to at least let them know how sorry I was. I put them in an envelope and tucked it in my purse.

Well, I was able to keep the charade up for only so long. One night Sherri and I were shopping, and I grabbed a bottle of vodka and put it in the cart. She looked at me funny, and said that we still had half a bottle at home. It was then I realized I was drinking so much from my car that I almost never touched the bottle we had in the kitchen. I pointed out that this was a different brand, and I grabbed another bottle and said I wanted to make some Black Russians. And that night I had two of them, and passed out right after I went to bed.

And a few weeks later, Sherri’s car was in the shop for a new water pump, and I let her borrow mine. We had just moved operations into Rocco’s garage, as he decided to make that a production office and build a newer garage around the back of the house. The AC in it sucked, but it was big. And just after lunch Sherri came in and threw a bag on the floor at my feet. At least eight one-pint bottles of vodka came out, most of them empty. “OK Linda, care to explain that to me?” she demanded.

I just looked at them, feeling numb. I looked up into her eyes, and said “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Oh bullshit, I’ve been wondering for a while why you get so many headaches, and why the booze at home seems rarely touched, yet you often have a drink with you. You’ve been hiding it. Oh, and you have a flat tire, I was changing it when I found your little stash there. OK, this is intervention time then. Baby, we both know the signs, you have a drinking problem. Now the question is, when are we going to go and do something about it?”

“Sherri, it’s not as bad as it seems, honest!” I explained to her. “I did not want you to worry, so I hid it so you would not think I was drinking much.”

“OK, fine. I believe you. When was the last drink you had?” I told her the night before, at the apartment. She then reached out and grabbed my cup of coffee, taking a sip. She then spit it out. “Fucking vodka and coffee? Are you kidding me, Linda? How much have you had today? Fucking tell me the truth!” I said that was the first one, and she pushed me back and rifled through my desk, finding the half a pint in the back of the cabinet. Still inside the bag that I had got when I said I had to rush in for cigarettes. That morning, with the receipt.

“I bet you’re half in the bag now, how the fuck did I not see this!” And I could see she was crying. “Linda, if you’re not a fucking alcoholic, it’s only because you are almost there. Why the fuck would you do that to yourself? Why baby, why? We had the fucking coke and pot licked, we both have been clean for over a year now! Go ahead and let’s go talk to Rocco. Part of that treatment plan we both were put under covers things like this. For the next two years as part of our probation we can return voluntarily with no penalty. Let’s talk to Rocco, and get you back in. I won’t let you do this to yourself.”

“I’m not going back Sherri, I have this under control. I can control my drinking, if you want me to stop, I stop.”

She looked at me through sad eyes, and shook her head. She put my keys on the desk and left. I quickly threw away the empty bottles, and stashed the two full ones in my desk. An hour later Rocco came in and asked me to join him by the pool. “Holly, I talked with Sherri. Are you going to go get help?”

“Rocco, I’m fine. I have it all under control, honest.”

“Like you did a few years ago with your crack problem? Was that under control also? She loves you, I love you. Go, take the time off, your job will be waiting for you. I was asked to tell you this. You agree to rehab, or she is not going to be there when you get home tonight. She told me she was afraid of this, but you seemed to have it under control. She said she is not leaving you, but she is leaving until you get help. How long you wait, that is all up to you. And I am going to tell you this. If you drink here during work, you are gone. After work when we have those bull sessions, that is fine. But when you are at work in the office, no alcohol. I want your word, and I will accept it. But after today, if you break it, you are done. Got me?”