Chapter 1

“So, Jack, is it? Jack Benton, I believe,” I heard behind me.

“Yeah, I wondered how that would be taken, and who would be quickest to respond to me. So, who are you and ... what do you represent? The Vatican? The LDS? The JWs? The Baptists? The IFCA? The Seventh-Day Adventists? Who?” I demanded to know now.

“None of the above. I don’t represent any of what you so bluntly called the ‘fan clubs,’ in your sneering, dismissive tone. Look, my boss is going through a sort of ... mid-life crisis. After so many aeons of this, he’s really wondering just where he went wrong. Your social media post really hit him where he lives. As in ... Heaven,” the tall stranger told me.

“Let me guess ... you’re an angel? You represent God ... but which one?” I scoffed.

“Jehovah, of course. Look ... I know that you’re not his biggest fan, but that’s led to some real honesty, candor, on your part, and some home truths. Now, he’s not gonna pull a Morgan Freeman and give you all of the power that he holds while he goes on a holiday. That’s a risky proposition. However, he is empowering you ... to edit Scripture. Put in some new ... morals, rules, that kind of thing. So, if you can do better than someone like Moses, for instance, here’s your shot,” the angel told me to my shock.

“What’s your name again?” I probed now, making the guy grin.

“Gabriel. You might have heard of me,” he rolled his eyes ... and just vanished.

Seconds later, right smack dab in the middle of the same diner, at my booth, a massive tome simply appeared in front of me and a quill with it. Then the really weird stuff happened, where the quill pricked my finger to fill up the inkwell that suddenly appeared with my own blood. For whatever reason, I would now have to commit enough to my version of Scripture as to write in my own blood. Worse still, even last jot and tittle stung ... I mean hurt very hard.

“So, can I get you something while you read and edit that massive book, sir? Maybe ... some apple pie a la mode? Or some more coffee, sir?” the blonde cutie in the denim miniskirt who happened to be my waitress flirted with me as she leaned to stare at this version of the Bible.

I had to wonder what the catch to all this was ... and if she had anything to do with it.

“I absolutely do. You see, I’ve been trying to get to him for centuries, make him see the light, so to speak. But does he listen to me? Nah. He’s just gotta try to send me to this Lake of Fire place which is really nasty. Maybe you could do us all a favor and edit that part out of existence. I mean, come on, why all that torture and misery, for what? Someone not being perfect, being human? Piss on that! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m sorta in disguise as a waitress, you see. Call me ... Nicki. Nicki ... Scratch,” the blonde’s eyes suddenly turned red.

“Let me guess ... you’re Satan. The Devil,” I ventured.

“Bingo, hole in one. Prince or Princess of Darkness, right here, baby! Lucifer, Lucille, same difference, you get the idea. But, yes, I’m the Evil One, or so they call me. I prefer to call myself simply ‘misunderstood.’ All that just because I fucked Adam, Eve, and Lilith, made them all slutty, turned them into a foursome ... and then started an orgy with them and the other humans.

“You’d think that Jehovah would appreciate my input, my feedback, my ... improvements on his design, but NOOOOO! He had to get pissy and cast me out of Heaven instead. Anyone who agreed with me, they got kicked out, too. So now, all he has are yes-men ... and yes-women, you know. Suck-ups like that Gabriel fella, for instance,” Nicki explained to me, rolling her eyes.

“So wait, there WERE other humans? That explains Cain’s fear of being killed and where he got his wife. Unless he actually did marry his own sister, that is. Wait, was Cain even real? How much of Genesis is true, how much ... and can that part even be edited?” I scratched my head as I considered several of the implications of what the Devil told me.

“Okay, first off ... as you probably know, I was the ... top Archangel back then. Head of the celestial cherubim. As you can probably tell, I can change my shape and look as I please, too. Become a snake, a woman, a man, even a cat or dog. Well, I took shape as a woman, seeing the obvious issues with Jehovah’s little plan. He altered one Cro-Magnon sperm and one Neanderthal egg for just enough genetic diversity, spliced the DNA, and voila, there were Adam and Lilith, his own genetically engineering human pets.

“I guess that he was less than happy with how his whole ... evolution project had worked out, you see, so this was his plan to improve the species. He also included angelic DNA as well as his own to the petri dish. Wham! There it was! His first real attempt to dramatically change the human race. It wouldn’t be his last by any means, but always, he’d cover up his tracks and maintain the myth of Eden, Adam, Eve, etc. The story was much more mundane, you see.

“I insisted that, even with angelic and divine DNA, he would need more genetic diversity, so he tossed in Eve for good measure. Not a real improvement, given that she was a clone of Adam that he altered to make her female. Even less genetic diversity between her and him, so I lured the three of them into a four-way orgy with that produced Cain and some ... other offspring. Nephilim.

“Before I was done, of course, they were very promiscuous, mating freely with Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals alike. This continued for a little while before Jehovah and that Boy Scout Michael caught us. Adam had impregnated no fewer than six women, while Eve carried Abel from a Cro-Magnon and Lilith had my Cain.

“Yes, MY Cain. He was my seed, sired when I was in male form, and as a result, Jehovah banished them from the Garden and demanded my abject humiliation and repentance. I was by now in female form and carried Naamah in my womb. My daughter by Adam. Jehovah exiled me from Heaven and cursed me to become female forever. The first angel to become female for good. Many of my confederates revolted once they witnessed my punishment, who now turned against Jehovah when they realized that I was in the right and he in the wrong.

“Jehovah was furious with all of us. He turned them into demons, almost indistinguishable from earlier demons, in fact. He waited to change me that way until I gave birth, as it turned out. He collected Cain and Naamah after they were born, and when Lilith resisted it with my aid, we were turned into demons, too. You should have seen the pain and rage on her face when she had her own son torn from her breast.

“Jehovah didn’t want us wandering constantly over the Earth, so he sent us to Hell, the only part of the Cosmos that I created, failing to realize that we had more power over it than he imagined. He didn’t grasp that, as Hell’s maker, I could fashion it as I wished. He couldn’t even force me to stay there permanently. That was when he made the Lake of Fire, an improvement on Hell in his vision. He also made something called the Abyss, the bottomless pit. If you could somehow prevent my consignment to either place, I would personally be very grateful, I assure you.

“Obviously, being turned into a demoness was the final nail in the coffin lid for Lilith’s marriage to Adam, especially once Jehovah intensified any natural jealousy to a dangerous extent for both Eve and he. He did that precisely to prevent any more sharing, orgies, mating with angels, men, women, demons, etc. That included the older demons as well as my devils, the new, angelic breed of us. Poor Adam and Eve were suddenly locked into a monogamous marriage as a form of punishment for them and us alike.

“Lilith and I had to wait for decades until a dispute rose between Cain and Abel, and it wasn’t over burnt offerings, I can tell you that much. It was about Naamah, who loved both men, but of course, Abel insisted that she choose, as did Adam and Eve. No more sharing for that family. Strict monogamy for the lot of them, that was the rule now. Ugh. She chose Cain. Abel was livid and then tried to rape Naamah. It turned into a very serious fight between the brothers, as Cain indeed attacked Abel to defend his sister, his lover. Abel perished and it was Adam and Eve, not Jehovah, who exiled Cain from the outskirts of Eden to their new land of Nod.

“Naamah left with her brother Cain, refusing to live with parents who would punish him for defending her. She also resented their push for her to marry Seth instead. Naamah loved Cain even more and they together found others to join them, forming a town in that land far from Eden. Being my spawn, they were free from the whole ... monogamy stuff and they embraced the customs of sharing, much to the consternation of those like Adam, Eve, etc. who felt the hot burning jealousy that Jehovah had stirred in their bosoms.

“Much of the rest is sorta history, except that, of course, Jehovah went out of his way to try to exterminate or annihilate the spawn of Lilith and me, along with any other ... Nephilim. He wanted the seed of Adam and Eve to dominate the rest of mankind. He tried it all, floods, making the Ice Age worse when it happened, hail, fire, plagues, creating the first STIs, all kinds of things like that. None of it worked. My seed lives among you ... and in the blood coursing through YOUR veins,” Nicki informed me.