“Look, Henry, all I am saying is, we are playing two characters who are deeply in love and they have a very hot sex scene in the second act, so we need to be convincing lovers for the audience.”

“I know all that, Audrey,” Henry said, “I’ve read the manuscript, twice, and my part through twice more since we were selected for the roles.”

“It’s a big part for you, Henry.”

“I know, it’s the biggest role I’ve ever played, I just hope I can deliver.”

“You’ll be fine, you and I are in it pretty well all the way through, start to finish. If anyone can do it, you can, Henry.” She squeezed his hand. “We were made to do this, darling, fate has brought us to—”

“No, that’s not exactly right, Aud, YOU are there because Madge Allnut was caught shop-lifting a Kindle Fire, which was found in her shopping bag when she went through the scanner at the Asda exit. Her court case comes up in a fortnight. Meanwhile, Reg Mellow, who usually plays most of the male lead roles, came out in a debilitating rash because of some allergic reaction, so I wasn’t the first choice either.”

“There you go, several fingers of fate have definitely brought us together for this theatrical event.”

“But what you are suggesting we do, Audrey, in order to enhance our performance, is nothing short of crazy. We are not method actors, after all is said and done this is only our village amateur dramatics!”

“But Henry darling, this is embarrassing for me to say,” she whispered as low as she could, as a stage hand walked by carrying a prop, “But I have played many leading roles similar to this in the past, before younger actresses like Madge Allnut came along, and believe you me, what I am suggesting we do can make a dramatic difference to the actual performance on stage.”

“You mean,” Henry leaned so close that he was almost overcome by her heady scent of perfume, “You’ve slept with the leading man before?”

“Almost,” she breathed through her wet crimson lips, her hot breath fanning his ear, “Every time, darling.”

“Oh, and you think it makes that much difference?”

“Immeasurably.”

“I don’t know,” Henry sounded doubtful, flicking over a page and pointing to some odd line hoping that onlookers would assume they were quietly discussing the finer points of the script, after all the pair of them really carry the whole weight of the play. He continued, “I have never done anything like this before, you know I haven’t.”

“It’s just like falling off a log, darling, at the very least we should get together for a quickie, just to break the ice between us. Then we can relax when we get it all together, sizzling like very familiar practising lovers on the stage.”

“Look, Aud, you are a beautiful, very desirable woman, but I am happily married, you are married, so we can’t possibly do this.”

“Tosh! Henry, it’s just sex, darling, it won’t mean anything to either of us other than a relaxing pleasure, ensuring we achieve sublime artistic integrity!”

“I couldn’t do that to your Bernie, not that I know him all that well, Audrey.”

“You’d be doing Bernie a favour,” she leaned in even closer, dropping her voice lower still, “He wouldn’t want to be aware that I’ve told you this, so keep it under your hat, but Bernie can’t, you know, cannot get it up anymore, so he really doesn’t mind me seeking ... satisfaction elsewhere.”

“Oh.” Henry thought about it for a moment. “Anyway, I still can’t possibly, what would my Libby think? She’s been your best friend since, well, forever.”

“Pooh and fiddlesticks,” Audrey scoffed, “We’d be discrete about it, darling, I could get us a hotel room, we could do it over lunchtime or you could miss one of your precious football games. I would be the very model of discretion and Libby will never be any the wiser. Consider it, if you will, as an important and integral part of the rehearsal process.”

“No, impossible, it’s our twentieth wedding anniversary in two weeks’ time and I’ve already got a surprise planned for the evening. Sorry Aud, I couldn’t possibly cheat on Libby, no matter what. If it is a problem for you, I’ll happily step down and let the understudy take the part.”

“I’m very disappointed, Henry. You know I think you are a hunk who I’ve lusted after for years. Have you really never thought of having sex with a woman other than your wife?”

“I can honestly say I never have, with any woman, no matter what their charms. You are a very attractive woman, Audrey, I’ve even said as much to Libby. I’m sure many would jump into your arms like a shot, and clearly some have, but I do not desire you significantly more than any other woman and certainly not more than my lovely wife. I think you can guarantee, Audrey, that I’m a one-woman man.”

Henry held Audrey’s shoulders for a moment, while Audrey put her hands on his hips and pulled herself in close with her arms around his waist. Henry kissed her on the cheek, before exiting stage left. Audrey watched his firm round butt cheeks as he strode purposeful off the stage and sighed, thinking he was definitely a hunk but she was pretty certain now he’d made it clear that he would never be her hunk. Just then a hand on her shoulder made her jump and turn around.

“Libby!” she exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”

“Watching you seduce my husband!” her friend laughed, “I just saw you two kiss and squeeze each other, so when are you both getting together to do the dirty deed, then?”

“Oh, Lib, your hunk Henry was just giving a kiss on the cheek as old friends, there will be no getting together. He just doesn’t want to make love to me or, he made it perfectly clear, any other woman than you, Libs.”

“No?” Libby’s euphoria evaporated, her shoulders slumped and her face took on a crestfallen look, “I thought you wouldn’t let me down, Aud.”

“Sorry Lib, I tried every trick in the book to bed him and he simply doesn’t want to know. Normally when I flutter my lashes at a man he gets at least a semi on, I rubbed my firm thigh up against your hubby’s nut sack, after trying everything else and he was as soft as farm fresh brie. Nice package he’s got though, by the way.”

“O God!” Libby looked ashen, “What am I going to do now? You were my last hope to save my marriage.”

“Honey, I know you told me not to ask questions when you requested that I seduce your husband and I was more than happy to oblige, but I’ve got to ask, what the hell are you playing at?” said Audrey in exasperation, “Henry has admitted to me that you are the only woman he has ever been with since your marriage and the only woman he will ever be with. He is simply not interested in bonking his leading lady or any other lady. Sweetheart, he is a keeper, one in a million, so why are you throwing another woman at him? Unless he is crap in bed, which I doubt, especially after you have boasted about his performance for at least the last twenty years, you could lose him!”