Chapter 39

It was two days before New Year’s, 2000. We’d gotten a card. We were invited to dinner on New Year’s Day. Oddly, I hadn’t gotten anything from the Nevadans: messages, calls, cards since they found out. Strange. But now of course I had. We had.

“So, are we going after all?” she said.

“You can, but I’m not. Tell them, I’m feeling a little down,” I said. “It’ll give them something to talk about. Oh, and you can tell them I’m not suing the doctor for revealing the info in my sealed records,” I said. “They’ll no doubt feel relieved about that. I know you will.”

“Julian, please. I really didn’t mean it the way it must have sounded,” she said. “And, no, I am not going if you’re not. You’re my man, and I need to be with you not them or anybody else.”

The thing was I kinda believed her, but it still rankled, oh my, yes it did.

“Hmm, okay then, please let them know we’re not coming. We’ll maybe go out ourselves and celebrate the new year.

“Yes, of course,” she said.

“Does he know you came over here?” said Blake.

“He told me it was up to me to tell you we won’t be coming for dinner, so yes, sort of,” said Marian.

“Not coming,” said Blake. “Well, I guess we could have predicted that. You guys, what will you be doing?”

“Nothing really. We are going out for dinner, but on New Year’s Eve not the day,” she said.

“Well, Ava will be upset,” he said.

“He did say that he wouldn’t be suing the doctor for giving out his sealed medical stuff. And, he was mad about that, like I told you,” she said. “When I told him, well, what I told him, he almost kicked me out.”

“What? Why?” he said.

“Basically, because after Ava told me that you knew about his illness, I took your side as to your being willing to help him. He does not want you to be involved with any of it. He is adamant about that. He will only deal with the doctor himself. He wants no help even from me; and nothing at all from you guys for damn sure,” she said.

“He is punishing us and it’s him that’s in the wrong on that score; but I do kinda see where he is coming from,” said Blake.

“Yes,” she said.

“Did he say where you would be going for dinner?” he said.

“No, I don’t think he’d even decided that at the time. Maybe somewhere nice here in Laughlin, but no, he didn’t say,” she said. The man nodded.

“Okay, let me know if anything changes or if he would be willing to see or talk to us,” he said.

“Okay, will do,” she said.

Well, New Year’s ‘00 was now a couple of months behind us. While doctor Winstrom had never said anything about AIDS per se, it was clear to me that my “infection” had been a warning sign. The new meds and regs relating to them, were helping. I wasn’t having trouble sleeping anymore and the headaches were mostly gone. I guess I was on the mend.

“Is the man still working at the bar?” said Ava.

“Yes, of course, he never stopped. He did take a day off after his doctor’s visit, more because of worry than disability,” said Marian. “I think the worst of it is over. He’s going to be fine. He’ll need to be careful, more even than before, but he will be.” Ava sighed.

“Well, that’s a relief. I was so afraid that his HIV had developed into full blown AIDS,” she said.

“Yes, well me too,” said Marian. Ava Willis sighed.

“What?” said Marian, noting the other woman’s look.

“Nothing. But if the man had died or was about to die. I don’t know what I would have done or thought or, well, done,” said Ava. “It’s all been so hard, I mean his situation: for us as well as for him. But...” Marian nodded.

“Yes, I guess so,” she said. “But harder for him. And all of the drama...”

“Yes, I’m sure that’s so. I would never deny that.” said Ava.

“Yes. It’s been crazy, and always will be so long as...” said Marian, and stopped, before she voiced the unvoiceable.

“Yes, as long as he’s alive. His despair, temper, his crazy demand for half of everything. It’s been so hard. And, I’m not blaming him. It was all my fault in the end, but, again, it has been hard, especially for me and Blake. We talk about him in bed sometimes. I mean him being the way he is; I mean without his manhood. I often feel guilty when Blake and I do it; Blake feels guilty doing it too. It’s hard,” said Ava. “And, you said it best, added to everything else, all of the drama.”

“Yes, but everything considered, I sure am glad he’s okay or seems to be,” said Marian. “Anyway, we just go on and do our best.”

“Yes, as long as he survives. We’ll be okay; we have to be. Things will get better soon. I mean I hope things will get better,” said Ava.

“Yes, me too,” said Marian.

“Where is the man. I mean he went for his walk, but...” said Ava.

“Yes, he walks a couple of miles a day anymore. Says it makes him feel good to get the old juices roiling,” said Marian. “He’ll be back soon.”

Marian was right. I did walk a good ways every day or almost every day anymore. But I’d gotten back from my midday postprandial some twenty minutes gone. I’d plopped down on the couch rather than join them on the patio. They were still out there yakking, yakking about me. The sliding door was open. I’d heard what they were saying.

The good news was they’d not noticed me coming in. The bad news, while they did not wish me dead; they also allowed that it would make things infinitely easier on them were I to be so. Yes, they cared about what happened to me, but neither of them really loved me, especially Ava; that, was more than clear. And that reality hurt me, bad hurt me; that I’d actually known that particular truth for a long time notwithstanding; she didn’t have to keep saying it to people.

Now I had a decision to make: inform them that I’d overheard part of their conversation or not inform them. They made the decision for me. They came in, saw me, and realized I’d had to have heard them.

“Julian!” said Ava. I smiled, weakly, but I did smile.

“Yes, I would have joined you out there,” I nodded toward the patio, “but I was kinda gassed after my walk, so I just plopped down here.”

“How long... ?” said Marian.

“Long enough. Well, long enough to learn that the two of you didn’t actually want me dead. That’s a plus, right?” I said.

“Julian, don’t read anything negative into our woman talk. Please,” said Ava. I shrugged.

“I won’t. I’ve known for a long time that you never loved me, Ava. And, I guess neither did, do, you, Marian. It kinda hurts hearing you say stuff. But really, I have no illusions. I have nothing to offer a woman, so find love, me find love...” I said. “Not likely to ever happen. I know it. I absolutely know it.”

“Julian, I do love you. Yes, things are hard given everything, but I do love you and no one else. We need each other. We do!” said Marian.