And now my friends, it’s time for something a little darker; a dark conversation. I hope you like the darkness ... It likes you... !

I turned the van in towards the driveway of our new house and tut-tutted with annoyance to see a strange car where I usually parked. Annoyed, I pondered whether to leave a note on the stranger’s windscreen, and then decided against it. No point in seeking trouble unnecessarily.

Parking at the kerb, I quickly did my normal check on the van’s contents, noting that I needed to restock on bleach, and decided to take up the two-for-the-price-of-one offer on squeegee mops at the local supermarket. You could never have enough cleaning supplies – especially in my business.

I slid the side door of my white van closed and, as always, felt a smile on my lips as I looked at the sign on the side. “Arthur Smith – The Cleanest of Clean”. That was me, Arthur Smith – and cleaning was my game. I was really good at it, and had references from a lot of people to back me up on that.

Wondering who was visiting Penny, I opened the door to find my wife of four months seated crossways on the lap of a big, dark-haired man dressed in jeans and what looked like a vest. I wasn’t really up on the latest fashions, so it might be a cheap, beer-stained undershirt, or it might be a designer item from a top boutique. Who could know?

“Penny,” I said, my heart beating faster than normal. “What’s going on?”

She looked at me for a moment and a series of expressions crossed her beautiful face. Shame, fear, anger, contempt – they all appeared and disappeared again like a series of slides projected on a screen.

I’d spotted her at a charity ball, seen her face and honed in on her straight away. She was that pretty that there was a throng of chaps around her – all eager for her attention. Rich chestnut curls framed a gorgeous face with its pouting lips, small straight nose and huge blue eyes. A long neck descended to a generous chest on which perched two of the sweetest and most generous tits I’d ever seen. Below that, a pinched-in waist led further down to promisingly fecund hips and long, long legs that made every man in the room envision them wrapped around him.

Of course, I was punching way above my weight class with Penny. I was thirty-two, five foot eight, and weigh seventy-five kilos, with thinning brown hair and blue eyes and an average build. However, I did operate a very successful cleaning business, and had clients from all levels who loved the meticulous care I put into my practice. I like to think of it as a practice, rather than a business – a bit like a doctor. I am a professional, after all, and I’m proud of my work.

One of those clients had passed on an invite to the charity ball, and seeing Penny made up for the fact that I’d had to buy a tuxedo especially for the event. Somehow, I’d managed to make an impression on her. I know I’m almost perfectly average – and in fact if the stats of every white man of my age were averaged out, I think I’d fit into that description to a T. I liked to think that it actually made me unique, as almost nobody is, in fact, average. The US Airforce discovered that when they averaged out all their pilots in order to find a standard seat for the cockpits of their planes, only to discover that not one of their people actually fit into them perfectly.

I do have confidence and a winning way with words, and I managed to whisk Penny out of her group of admirers and onto the dance floor, where I showed her what a year at a dance studio could do. Before the night was over, I’d treated her to a meal at an above average restaurant, forked out a subtle bribe to the guy at the door of a top club, and bedded her, to the satisfaction of both of us.

Within a week, I’d been introduced to Mummy and Daddy, and managed to impress her father, at least with my bank balance and fleet of vans. His approval had put the seal on her acceptance of my proposal, and within a month we were married and living in my house in one of the leafy London suburbs.

And now this – some jerk sitting on my settee in my lounge with my wife ensconced on his lap!

“Penny?” I repeated, hearing the quiver in my voice. There were wine glasses at their feet and an empty bottle of a specific wine I’d been saving for a special occasion.

The jerk sneered at me, and reached around to cup one her breasts, while letting the other run idly over the rest of her body – a body that she had promised would be only mine. He squeezed the breast so hard she gasped.

“Penny! What the hell is going on?” I asked.

The jerk spoke, surprising me in the way he could string actual words together. I’d almost expected that he’d have to point at flash cards in order to communicate.

“What do you think is going on, you tosspot?”

“Your name is Penny as well?” I gasped.

He looked confused. “No. My name is Snake.”

“But you don’t hiss,” I pointed out.

“Naw,” he smiled. “I got my name ‘cos of my cock.”

“So your real name is Dong?” I asked, showing my confusion. “You don’t look Vietnamese.”

He gawped at me.

Penny looked venomous. “Ignore him, Cecil. He’s just taking the piss.”

“Ah, Cecil. That’s your real name? Now I understand the need for a nickname. So why are you here, fondling my wife?”

“I’m not fondling her. I don’t do that type of shit. I’m about to fuck her, ‘cos you can’t manage to do the job.”

“And I’m guessing it’s not the first time you’re going to enjoy her caresses.”

“We’ve been lovers for three months,” Penny stated.

“Lovers? Wow. So you were faithful for a whole month?”

She looked away, so I guessed that a month had been an optimistic guess on my part.

“Why, Penny?” I asked, genuinely interested. “Why would you marry someone and then immediately cheat on them? Why bother with the wedding?”

She looked away, and I guessed that she didn’t like looking at her actions too closely.

“Is it because you’re a slut who can’t keep her legs closed for more than a few hours, or because you’re a whore who wants money from me while getting fucked by a series of cocks?”

“Or it could be,” she spat. “That you told me you were a successful businessman, when in fact you’re just a cleaner!”

“Just being a cleaner put both of us in this house free and clear,” I pointed out with a shrug.

“And I’m supposed to be proud of that?” she shouted. “I’m supposed to brag to my friends that my ugly, balding little husband is a fucking cleaner?”

“It’s good work!”

“You’re just a labourer!”

“Anyone who works is a labourer, when you actually think about it. There’s nothing wrong with working. Maybe you should try it sometime.”

Her sneer matched that of the jerk. “My father would never see me having to work, and I have no intention of becoming a wage-slave.

“You might have to after the divorce,” I suggested.

“There isn’t going to be a divorce.” Her smile was even more venomous than Snake’s. “Because, if we split up, I’m going to end up with your business, your house and everything else, including your soul. I’m going to take every penny you have.”

“Well, you’re a Penny, so you’d have to take you, because you won’t be able to live in this house.”

“You have no idea of the power my father has. If we get divorced, his lawyers will shit all over you from such a height you’d think the heavens had opened up. You’ll end up praying to find a decent-sized cardboard box to live in.”

“I’m not sure the heavens are made of shit,” I said.

“Oh shut up, you stupid little man!” She was getting her second wind now. “Wise up! Accept the inevitable.”

“So, the inevitable is that I go out to work to support you while you stay at home and invite Snakey-Boy here to bring his slow-worm around to fuck you on a regular basis? Is that your plan?”

“Hey, don’t call me Snakey-Boy!” protested Snakey-Boy. “And my cock ain’t no worm either.”

“A slow-worm is a type of lizard, Snakey-Boy,” I explained.

“Yeah. Well, that’s all right then. I ain’t got no worm.” He settled down again and went back to squeezing Penny’s tits.

“No,” said Penny, looking annoyed that her diatribe had been interrupted, even for important lessons on the correct nomenclature of crawly things, and was determined to bring the conversation back to the most important thing – her. “That’s not how it’s going to be.”

My surprise must have been evident.

“In fact,” she continued with a superior smile. “Snakey-B ... Snake will be living here with me. You can move your things to the second bedroom.”

“Ahh, I see. I’m the cuckolded husband in this scenario, serving his cock and your bull?”

“Yeah, cucky-man,” laughed Snake. “You can lick my stuff out of her cunt when I’m finished with her.”

“Classy guy you have here,” I said. Snake sneered at me.

“Too right!”

“Shut up, Snake!” Penny hissed. “You’re not helping.”