Chapter 12

Tuesday morning I awoke with a dreadful headache. I must have had a migraine in my sleep, for it was one of those nauseous post-migraine headaches that defy description, and the like of which whose who have not experienced them cannot even imagine. It was probably the aftermath of the gruelling hot and humid weekend.

I took my pain killers, which mitigated the intensity. Nicky wanted me to stay at home. I should have. But no. Obstinate as always I went into work, grateful on this occasion for the lift she gave me.

By ten o’clock I was sitting in my office with the door open, while Tina hammered away on her keyboard, and I gradually felt more and more nauseous. Eventually I could stand it no longer. I had no appointments with clients, just a mountain of paper work, so I decided to go home.

I told Nicky and Corrie, and left Tina with plenty to keep her going. Nicky was on her way to a client with a document, and offered to take me home, for which I was grateful. The journey was silent.

When we arrived, there was an envelope on the mat, delivered by hand. Nicky picked it up, looked at the handwriting, gave it me and commented it was from Sally. She said she’d leave me to read it and drop in on the way back from the client to see how I was.

Once in the house I took two more pain-killers rather earlier than I should have, and decided to read the letter before taking to my bed for a few hours. But its contents put all thoughts of bed out of my head.

It was from Sally. If I’d stayed at home, I would have seen her.

So that was it. The intensity of her writing tugged at my heart-strings and I couldn’t remember how long I sat there in the living room, nor could I remember what went on in my mind. I did feel deep resentment that Bryn had got at her again, but I had to admit I’d never given Sally any encouragement. Now I had a sinking, hollow feeling. Our relationship had been in limbo for so long and now she had called a halt. Yes, I felt empty, and hopeless.

It was in that state that Nicky found me when she got back from her delivery to our client. The letter was on the floor and she tells me I was sitting in what appeared to be a catatonic state. She had to shake me to wake me up. Eventually I heard her calling my name as she shook me. I picked up the letter and handed it to her. She read it.

She sat down beside me and put her arm round me.

“Caleb.”

“Yes?”

“Go after her.”

“What?”

“Go after her. God, Caleb, you love her, you’ve been in love with her all along. Go and get her or you’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.”

“Too late. She’s going to marry Bryn.”

“No she isn’t!” Nicky was now shouting at me. “She is married to you, and she wants to stay married to you. GO AND GET HER.”

“But you Nicky, what about you?”

“For god’s sake Caleb, can’t you work it out? Are you thick or something? How many times have I said that our relationship is formed by Sally? Once she’s gone for good, our relationship will be over. Our relationship is about her.

“Why do you think I wanted to make love so much last night? I knew something like this was coming – not exactly like this, but it was coming one way or another. I knew the date of the Decree Absolute would trigger something.

“Caleb, listen to me!” she urged. “We came together to search for her. For her Caleb. You slept with me because you were heart-broken because she had left you. You and I talk more about her than about anything else – even now!

“Who told you over and over to go and talk to her? I did. You’ve done nothing but talk to her and about her since then.

“Caleb, my darling, loving man, it’s her you are in love with. You’re repressing it, but now you know the why and how of what happened. She’s far less guilty than many wives who stray. You know her psychological problems, you know how she was deceived. You are her man: she needs you.

“You get comfort and affection and, yes, love from me, and you give me affection and love in return. We have good sex, and it comforts us and keeps us close, but you are not truly in love with me, and if I’m honest I am not in love with you either. We will never be in love as deeply as you and Sally are. But once she’s gone, we’ll be finished, it’s she who’s holding us together.

“You’ve said time and again you’re too old for another permanent relationship – for marriage to me, and you’re right in a sense, but only because you love Sally. She’s still your wife!

“Sally is your life. Now get on your feet and go get your bride. Take her back! NOW!”

“I feel disloyal to you, Nicky. You’ve done so much for me. I can’t just drop you for Sally.”

“Yes, you can, and you will. Your trouble is you are too loyal sometimes. I told you, over and over, I’m young. I’m not into permanent relationships as much as you are. You’re used to permanence – with Sally. I’m not.

“You are one of a number men I’ve had. I’m going to look for someone who’ll give me a lasting relationship now. You’ve taught me that, if nothing else. I’ve had so much from you over this year. You’ve changed my life. Now I’m letting you go. Go – to – Sally!“

By the time she finished her diatribe, I was fully alert and awake. My headache was gone. She was right. How many times had she been right about things over the year! I had been so wrapped up in my loyalty to Nicky that I’d been suppressing my feelings for Sally.

I’d always had that feeling of misery in the background. I was still not sure how things would go between us, but I owed it to myself and to Sally to try. I read the letter again, while Nicky fretted. There was absolutely no doubt how Sally felt.

“Ok,” I said, “You’re right of course. I’ll miss you”

“And I’ll miss you, but not as much as you’ll miss Sally if you don’t get on the road now!”. “Stay till I get back?” I begged, remembering the last time.

“Yes.”

We hugged. We kissed. We hugged again and we both had tears in our eyes. Gratitude, affection and, yes, love were all there in our eyes. Then I turned and ran.

The drive was far different from that time in November. The sun shone and the roads were relatively problem-free. I left at eleven and arrived at two, driving cautiously along the main street.

As I approached the junction with the road on which Bryn lived, I saw them. It was a re-run of November. They must have had lunch at the hotel, and were returning just as they did that November evening. Sally had her arm tucked into Bryn’s, but there was none of the cheerfulness of that time in the winter. They both looked rather solemn. I stopped the car and got out, standing in front of the bonnet.

Sally had been talking to Bryn and they were only a few yards away when she turned her head and saw me. Instantly she disengaged her arm from Bryn’s and stopped dead. Her face was pale and seemed to be frozen, the emotions passing over it were too subtle for me to grasp.

“Caleb!” she wailed. “Oh, no! Why are you playing with me like this? What are you doing here?”

Before I could answer, Bryn interrupted, “Yes! Can’t you just let her get on with her life? Leave us alone!”

But my whole attention was on my wife. I had been rehearsing my speech in the car all the way there, but now it all left me, and the lawyer who always had a way with words, was speechless.

I struggled, and all that would emerge from my lips was, “Sally – my darling – come home!”

“What?” The shock to her was clear to see. “But–”

“Bit late for that boyo, she’s with me–” Bryn was tensing.

“Shut up Bryn!” Sally spat, then to me, “Caleb, what do you mean?”

“I read your letter. I want you to come home. Start afresh. You and me. We can work on it together.”

“I don’t know, Caleb,” she said and there was a hint of anger there. “I think it’s gone too far.”

Now it was my turn to be annoyed, and that gave me words.

“Too far? All these weeks talking? Too far? I’m not here to talk any more, Sally. You wrote me a letter.

“You said you loved only me and that you always will. You said you were heartbroken to be going away. So I came after you. I want you back, Sally. Always have really. Nicky made me see it. If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t have hurt so much that I couldn’t see I needed you. Only you.”

“Then why did you never say so? You never once said you loved me.”

“I pushed it down, Sally. I was with Nicky, and I wasn’t gong to betray her, but she’s told me to come to you – she’s set me free to come for you; to do what you said in your letter you’ve always wanted. Are you going to throw it all away now?

“I’m making no demands. As your husband I’m begging you to come home. I love you. But no more talk here in the street; I’m getting back in my car, and I’m going home. If what you said in your letter is true, you’ll get your car and follow me back. Or was that letter all just words?”

“You know it wasn’t.”

“Then come home.”

“Are there conditions?”

“No Sally, no conditions; for God’s sake can’t you trust me?” I shouted. “If you can’t trust me to do what’s best for you, to have faith in my love for you, you better stay here with your second best lover.”

“Now listen here–” began Bryn.

“Bryn,” I turned my attention to him, “if you’d given that message last November, Sally would have been with me at home for months now instead of moping here. She’s my wife, not yours. Now she has to make a clear choice, not left in ignorance like you left her last time.”

“If you’re so loving,” he retorted, “You haven’t shown much over the past weeks. You don’t love her any more; you just don’t like the idea of her with me. You’re just jealous. Anyway, it was the Decree Absolute today. Sally was celebrating being free of you over lunch.”

Sally angrily made to protest, but I overrode her.

“You’re right that I don’t like the idea of you with her. You deceived her to get her away from me. And Sally, there’s no Decree Absolute. I’m not going to implement it. No matter what. You’re still married to me Sally, unless and until you implement it yourself it in four months time.”

“So what about your lady friend?” sneered Bryn. He was really getting up my nose. “The one you’ve been living with.”

“Yes. And if I hadn’t seen you with Sally that night, that relationship would never have happened either. It’s all your doing Bryn. Your deceit; your doing. But I don’t have to justify my actions to you or to anyone but Sally.

“When I started my relationship with Nicky, I took full responsibility for her and for it. If Nicky hadn’t told me to come and find Sally; if she hadn’t told me that Sally was my only true love and I should come after her, I wouldn’t have come – I’m loyal and faithful in my relationships, Bryn.

“You’ve no idea how miserable I’ve been over the past weeks, because I know now I’ve repressed what I feel for Sally. I was with Nicky, and I was going to be faithful to her. She’s let me go – actually pushed me to come for Sally. I’ve said enough. Too much probably.”

Sally had a look of admiration and joy on her face, but mixed with some uncertainty. She said nothing.

“Sally,” I said to her, “If you really do love me as you said in your letter, you’ll be at our house this evening. You said you’ve been trying to save our marriage for weeks. Well, I’ve tried to save our marriage today. Now it’s up to you. You can still save this marriage. Otherwise you can be free of me in a few months.”

I turned and got in the car and drove away. In the mirror I could see her standing staring after me, with Bryn pawing at her arm, and her shaking him off.

Nicky and I were sitting in the living room. It was nine o’clock that evening and the light was failing.

“She’s not coming, Nicky.” I said morosely. I’d been back three hours.

“She is.”

“How do you know that?”

“You idiot. You are her life. She’ll have had to talk to Bryn. She won’t leave him this time without explaining, if I know her. She’ll be here.”

I said nothing which she took to be disbelief.

“Believe me, Caleb,” she said. “Sally will be here. If she’s not back by midnight, call me. I’m going home now. For good.”

It struck me then that Nicky had never treated my house as ‘home’. She’d always gone ‘home’ to her flat. That had always been her real base. All her stuff was there, not with me. She had to bring things each time.

I now saw that all the time, she had expected Sally and me to reconcile, and she kept that gentle distance between herself and me, going back to her flat some nights, except when I was unduly stressed, and staying with me at weekends. She was a good deal more independent than I had been, and she had sent me twice to go and get Sally.

“Nicky,” I stammered, “I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. I wouldn’t have made it this far if you hadn’t been so loving and so long-suffering.”

“Caleb,” she said with exaggerated patience, “You’ve given me more than you’ll ever know. I know you thought you’d finished with Sally, but your behaviour gave the lie to that. You searched and searched for her. Then you kept going back to her for more talks, and you were so emotional about her, and even though many of the emotions were negative, they were strong!

“I’ve known for a while we were approaching the end. I’ve had a great time, but it’s time for me to move on. No matter what happens between you and Sally, I won’t be coming back. So this is really goodbye – except as friends and colleagues.”

She pulled me to her and with her arms round my neck, and mine round her waist, we kissed long and sensuously. When we eventually broke apart she smiled and stroked my cheek.

“That’s something for us to remember, like last night. There’ll always be a little corner of my heart that will be yours.”

“And mine,” I replied.

We held each other for much longer, before she prized herself away and I let her go. Then she turned and left, and I realised that all the bits of stuff of hers that she had at my house, were now in her car. She got in and drove away waving until she was out of sight.

I was alone. I sat in the living room for a long time and wondered if I was doing the right thing. I became edgy and nervous. I went into the kitchen for the first time since I got back. There on the kitchen table, in a bucket of water which had been ice, was a bottle of champagne, and a card.

‘Congratulations!’ it read. ‘You two belong together. I wish you every happiness in your new life together. All my love, Nicky.’

I hoped Sally and I did belong together. I hoped we could be happy again. I emptied the bucket and refilled it with ice cubes from the freezer. Then I returned to my seat in the living room.

At ten thirty the doorbell rang and I panicked.

I opened the door. Here she was, with an uncertain smile. She was wearing a light summer dress gathered at the waist, and scooped enough at the front to give a hint at her cleavage. It was not short but very demure, ending just below the knee. It was also not what she had been wearing in Wales.

Her legs were bare and she was wearing flat heeled sandals. Her hair was up, and she had taken a great deal of care with her makeup, light and tasteful but emphasising her natural beauty. She looked so beautiful it almost hurt.

I caught her perfume, the one I first bought her when we were engaged and fleetingly wondered if she wore it for Bryn. I knew she didn’t for the priest. I must have stood still for a few too many seconds, because she began to look apprehensive.

“I’m sorry I–” she began.

“Come in,” I interrupted remembering myself. “Welcome home!”

She burst into tears.

Why do women do that? I wondered, not for the first or last time. It serves to make the males of the species most uncomfortable. We never know what to do. Men don’t usually know why women are crying – happy or sad? They look for context and usually fail.

I deduced it was the word ‘home’. She’d been in exile for so long, so I deduced she was happy. I was almost right because she was almost happy, but very worried. That I didn’t pick up, but I did what came naturally, I held out a hand to her.

She took my hand and I felt a jolt. I led her into the living room, letting go in order to allow her to sit down, which she did on the sofa. Her knees came into view but no more. I was about to sit in ‘my’ chair when I had the really bright idea to sit on the sofa with her, and changed direction. She must have caught the movement for she smiled through her tears. I smiled back. Why did I feel so uncomfortable?

“Caleb,” she began to babble, “Can I explain? I mean why I’m so ... Why it’s taken so long ... I had to finish with him properly.”