Chapter 3

I was terrified. All that I could do was to hold Fainauriel’s petite hand and watch her suffer. With the special connection we shared I was somewhat able to sense the pain she was in. We hadn’t discussed the connection we had, nor had I talked to Bellcauniel about the ability to use magic without the Old Language. Most of the women had that ability, but it was usually in such a low level and low range that it wasn’t much used. Since Caladwen’s scans back in my old home I hadn’t really felt it. Of course, that could also mean that these sneaky Elves were just able to use it so carefully that I wasn’t able to notice it. Somehow I didn’t believe it.

““Auuuuch! Damn you, Stian, and that magic wand of yours!””

Another contraction Fainauriel was feeling wiped away all other thoughts and I concentrated on pushing away her pain and calming her down. Allynna had made sure that I also knew everything there was to know about childbirth - which turned out to be much more than I wanted to know. I did have a curious mind, but normally my curiosity was focused on different areas and, even if I was interested in healing, this event gave me an uneasy feeling. Mostly because there wasn’t really anything I could do - and as Fainauriel was squeezing my hand, I couldn’t even escape. Now I could see another cramp closing and this time I was ready before Fainauriel started cursing me.

““She looks so small. I had no idea.””

That small human being was hungrily nursing Fainauriel’s breast while the mother herself had a blissful smile on her face despite being tired. I just looked at both of them, not really knowing what to think.

I had seen animals give birth, but this had been something different, something very special. Something that I’d remember the rest of my life. Never in my life would I wonder why the mothers loved their babies as they do. I also made a promise that I’d do my best to make life better for all the newborns here. For all my children. I just needed to convince the rest of the people here to allow me to see them. Another goal I wanted to achieve here.

““I’d like to go hunting. Just a short trip. Would that be okay?””

A few weeks had passed since Fainauriel gave birth to our daughter and she was nursing the baby close to me while Bellcauniel was doing the same with Elarinya. A part of me didn’t want to leave them, but another part of me was becoming crazy because of living so close to all these people. Some of whom still didn’t think too fondly of me. A part of that was also the need to feel useful, after all I was a hunter and I felt that hunting was the way to be most beneficial to this little community.

Then there was also the thing that I craved: the solitude of the forest. The smell, the silence and the lack of the presence of other people. Even if the Elves seemed to miss ‘the magical signature,’ I was now able to feel them if I wanted to. Usually I didn’t, since I wanted to stay sane. Feeling a group of people all the time would not really help with that. So, I knew that I would need to practice that skill - and I really couldn’t do it here, in the village.

The people here had kept saying that I wasn’t a prisoner, that I was free to go - and we all knew that it was a lie. I was being watched and followed, if not officially then at least unofficially, and that was driving me crazy, slowly but surely. It seemed that, while my skills in noticing other living beings had become sharper, my ability to ignore what I noticed hadn’t developed quite as quickly. So, I missed the peace and solitude that I could find in the forest. Besides, I had done my best to be a good father to our little daughters. In a way, that also felt very wrong, since I knew that besides Elarinya and Miriel - names Fainauriel and I agreed together - I knew that I had more than twenty other daughters here, but not all of the mothers wanted me to interfere in their lives.

It had been a week ago when Bellcauniel had told me about the difference between Elf and Human cultures:

““As you probably have guessed, we Alfar need a human male, a natural Mage, for procreation - and most of us use those men just for that, for procreation. Oh, they get horny and most of them enjoy the process a lot - but once they get their babies, they just turn back to their friends, the other women, and they lose their interest in the male of the species. For the next decade, or most likely three decades, they just concentrate on raising their children, forgetting and ignoring the males totally. In a way, it makes a whole lot of sense if you think about it. We live so long that continuous breeding would be disastrous.””

The look on my face must have been quite priceless when she talked about forgetting the male species for three decades.

““You poor, horny man. Luckily for you, there have always been exceptions to that rule. I know that this new mother here didn’t lose her interest in sex even if she was pregnant, and back there, I was a happily married woman who kept her husband happy, too.””

Even if she had said that in order to make me feel better, the truth was that I was able to hear the pain in her voice. After all these years - centuries, even. I took her hand in mine.

““You must have really loved him.””

I had felt stupid saying that back then, but I had said it, anyhow. What had surprised me, was the response ... not the audible one, but the one I was able to feel magically. A connection that reminded me of the one with Fainauriel. I had been there for a blink of an eye or two, but then it was gone again. But it had been there, and I knew it. So did Bellcauniel.

I remembered that episode now, when I talked to ‘my ladies’ - since that was how I almost saw them now, and they certainly were ladies - they were the only ones to spend a great deal of their time with me. I had concentrated on getting back in shape, and I felt that the only way to really do that was to go hunting again.

But the real reason to remember that week-old episode was that, for a very brief moment, I was again able to feel that connection as though there were a crack in the wall protecting Bellcauniel and a flash of light had managed to shine through that crack. Just for a brief moment before it was gone again. Again, that made me wonder, but I wasn’t sure what to think about it. One more thing to add to my already long list of things to figure out.

I was so deep in my own thoughts because of that flash, that Fainauriel needed to repeat her question.

““Hunting?””

““Yes... , that’s what I do. Or at least did. It used to be my profession.””

““Sure. If the Elders agree. I’m sure they’d appreciate some game.””

The look on my face must have shown my disbelief. Bellcauniel rolled her eyes.

““Stian, it’s not like we cannot take care of the babies. We do, even if most of us have forgotten much of it. We’ll be okay. We were quite okay even if you weren’t here.””

I guessed that I may have been just a bit overprotective, but that was their fault, too. I wasn’t at all sure that it was a good idea to let a father see childbirth, since, for sure, that changed something. My respect towards mothers had been high, but now it was sky-high - and it showed. I refused to look too embarrassed.

““Hunting? You can go, but not alone. None of us is allowed to go hunting alone here.””

I wanted to protest to Immianthe but it I knew it would have been useless. Maybe I wasn’t a prisoner, but for sure I wasn’t all free to move, either. Not yet, maybe not ever.

““Okay, no problem. I can appreciate some local knowledge.””

Once the morning came and it was time to leave and I found my companions, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I had been quite okay to have someone who knew about the local terrain and the game with me. I wasn’t quite that okay to see two other hunters. Especially when they were those two who had tried to kill me: Leilatha and Shalana. From the look on their faces, I was able to see that they were quite as happy as I was with the situation. I was almost able to feel Immianthe looking at us. I closed my eyes for a moment and pushed back the urge to protest. I needed to do this if I wanted to stay here - and I had promised to forgive them.

““Leilatha, Shalana - I’m happy to have some company out there.””

I nodded to them and after a moment of hesitation they nodded back to me without saying anything. Then we picked our backpacks and headed towards the North-West forest. At least their crossbows weren’t loaded and their knives weren’t visible.

The sun was high in the sky and we were well outside the village area when the silence was broken for the first time. Okay, there had been some brief discussion about the direction we were heading and the game we were supposed to find, but since all I had sensed close to the village had been two small herds I hadn’t protested the idea of going further away.

““You should have died back then. We just don’t miss like that.””

Shalana said that in a way like she was talking about the weather - which was very nice for our purposes. Overcast, not too hot and a nice breeze. I was almost surprised because there was no cold chill going down my spine. No, I just shrugged.

““I won’t be apologizing for staying alive. I can’t even promise that killing me would be easier in the future.””

I didn’t smile at those two women while saying that, since I remembered the hatred they had shown me when we first met. I didn’t have a death wish and I had no doubts about their ability to kill me if they really wanted to do that. Yes, that possibility had crossed my mind a few times.

Two pairs of dark eyes were staring at me intently and I could almost sense that there was something boiling under the surface. I had been careful not to use my magical abilities since the start of this trip. I wasn’t at all sure how good these two women were. Neither did I know their real feelings regarding me, but I assumed that there wasn’t much love to be expected. So, I was totally unprepared when Leilatha started laughing.

It wasn’t that kind of happy laughter or giggle I had occasionally heard from young girls or women, Human or Elf. But it was laughter, nevertheless - and mostly unexpected. I raised my eyebrows which brought another snort of laughter out of her.

““You don’t need to worry about us, Stian, not now. Maybe not ever. We have seen how you interact with the others and we have been told how important you are if we Alfar want to survive in this world.””

““But there’s no love involved?””