Chapter 5

“If you wish to be loved, show more of your faults than your virtues.” Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

As I was about to tell Mindy about this chapter of my life, I told her she first had to listen to a song. I had actually gotten up during the night and found the song on the Internet and downloaded it to my mp3 player.

As I handed her the player, she started to take the ear buds off so she could hook it up to a set of speakers.

I think I surprised both of us with how sharply I yelled “No.”

Mindy was very startled by my tone, and I apologized then told her, for reasons I would explain in a minute, “I could not, COULD NOT, listen to that song again. Not EVER again!”

I also warned her it may be the saddest and most depressing song she had ever heard.

Before she was half-way through “No Blade Of Grass,” she started crying.

When it had ended, her first question was “Why on earth would anyone record something as horrible as that?”

I said in its own way it was strangely beautiful (actually I think anything Roger Whittaker records is usually beautiful), but it had actually been recorded for a movie about the end of the world, by the same name as the song, then I asked her what she had thought about while listening?

She scoffed at the idea any part of it was beautiful, then said “Despair,” was her answer to what she was thinking about while listening.

Mindy added that if she had had to listen to that song very often she might start thinking about killing herself.

“Mindy, my love, my beautiful Princess,” I said in a very low voice, “two years ago, only two weeks before I first met you, I listened to ‘No Blade of Grass’ forty or fifty times one night while drinking vodka straight from the bottle ... and I did try to kill myself.”

She turned white as a sheet.

She listened while I related the whole story you have just read.

While talking about the .357 Magnum and putting it to my head and pulling the trigger she became almost hysterical.

“I could have lost you,” she cried, then broke down completely.

Had it been just one day earlier she had held me so tenderly while I cried? Now I did the same for her.

Eventually, she calmed down and I continued the story, including how I actually ended up in the house beside hers.

About the only thing I did not relate was the fact the interior designer and I had been the first ones to share my bed, but I did tell her about Ellen and some of the other women I had slept with, although I didn’t actually volunteer the information that Ellen and I participated in several threesomes, or as the French say, a ménage-a-trois.

Mindy actually laughed when I told her about how she came into my life, “on little cat’s feet,” and like a “thief in the night,” before stealing my heart.

At one point Mindy asked me what happened with Ellen, if I had ever heard from her after I left North Carolina.

To tell you the truth, I had been hoping Mindy would not ask. Looking back, I am not too proud of what happened.

I began by explaining to Mindy that Ellen had completed her degree a couple of weeks before I finished my studies, and by now I had a key to her apartment since I frequently spent the night with Ellen.

I also explained Ellen had, on several occasions, invited me to spend holidays, such as Thanksgiving or Christmas, with her family but I had always declined the invitation.

As I told Mindy, with my graduation drawing closer, Ellen started talking about the two of us taking an extended vacation together, possibly even going on a two-week cruise to the Bahamas. Even though she offered to pay for the cruise, I kept putting her off, refusing to make the commitment.

“Then one morning Ellen called,” I added, “and asked me to come by her apartment that night, but not to arrive until after 6 pm, since she had several errands she had to run during the day.

“I agreed, and asked if she wanted me to stop and get pizza or something, or did she want to go out and eat. Ellen said not to worry about food, just to be sure and stop by after 6 pm.”

At this point in my narrative I actually paused for several minutes before Mindy finally had to ask, “What happened?”

“Well,” I finally continued, “I arrived a little after 6 and opened the door to a completely empty apartment, no furniture, nothing.

“Empty, that is, except for an envelope with my name on it, lying in the middle of the floor.”

I again paused for a minute before continuing, then admitted to Mindy my fingers were trembling as I opened the envelope to read Ellen’s note.

“Mindy,” I added, “it is probably easier to just let you read her letter. I didn’t even realize I still had it until about six months ago when I was cleaning out some files. I ... I read it again, and then read it several more times. I’ve kept it just to remind myself what a miserable, selfish son-of-a-bitch and complete prick I used to be and how I had no qualms about using people.”

Mindy’s face turned pale.

I retrieved the letter from my office, then handed it to Mindy.

Mindy’s hands were now trembling as she took the envelope and opened it. I didn’t need to read it again. The words were, by now, burned into my brain.

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
And so I’ll go, but I know
I’ll think of you each step of the way

And I will always love you
I will always love you

Bitter-sweet memories
That’s all I’m taking with me
Good-bye, please don’t cry
‘Cause we both know that I’m not
What you need

I will always love you
I will always love you

I hope life, treats you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
I wish you joy
And I wish you happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

And I love you will always love you
I, I will always, always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you
I will always love you

I have to admit I was something of a basket case, remembering what Ellen had written and the words to the song, “I Will Always Love You”.

“O God, Alan,” Mindy said, and she was also crying, “She really did love you.”

“I know that now,” I admitted, “but to be honest ... to be honest about the only thing I felt at the time was relief. Relief she was gone. When I read it again, several months ago, I couldn’t believe that I ... that ANYONE could treat someone else the way I treated Ellen.

“Before I met you, Mindy, I wasn’t capable of feeling ... feeling anything, including love,” I added.

“Now ... now having met you, and knowing what it is like to love again, to be able to love someone else and to feel love ... I am even more sorry for the way I treated Ellen. She deserved a lot more than some bastard like me who just used her and was glad to see her go.”

“Alan, I know you are hurting now, remembering what happened with Ellen,” Mindy said, “but I can’t help but also feel you are being a little too hard on yourself. What was it, about a month or six weeks later that ... that you ... you tried to...”

I knew what Mindy was trying to say.

“Yes,” I agreed, “I tried to kill myself about six weeks later.”

“You are a different person, NOW, than you were back then, Alan,” Mindy stressed. “You can’t hold yourself accountable for what that person did.

“I fell in love with the person you are, NOW,” Mindy added. “Not that other guy, not what you used to be. And I can tell you one thing for sure, Alan, the person I met two years ago is completely different from the Alan who was glad to see Ellen leave. It might only have been a couple of months later, but you had already changed.”

For some time we just held each other, then Mindy shocked me probably as much as I had shocked her a few minutes before.

“Alan, I also have to tell you something,” she said.

“Do you remember when I was talking about how bad it was with Mom for so many years, and how I was thinking about killing myself when I was 13?” she asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“I didn’t just ‘think’ about it,” she said, “I swallowed a whole bottle of my Dad’s pain pills.”

When Tom came home from running with Sara, they found Mindy comatose on the floor and dialed 911.

She was barely alive. They pumped her stomach, and she survived, but it was touch and go for a while. They did not know if she would live, and if she would be “normal” if she did.

She did live, but then she told Tom why she did it.

Two weeks later was the day Tom confronted Jennifer with his ultimatum.

We both cried for a while, but were holding each other and comforting each other.

I hope that no one still reading this story has ever felt such profound despair it seemed the only way out was to end your own life. In fact, I pray none of you have ever been in, or ever will be in, the position both Mindy and I experienced during those dark periods of our lives.

It is also something nearly impossible to talk about with anyone! Mindy had spent several years in counseling after her attempt, but that simply wasn’t an option for me.

I had kept in touch with Stephanie, through writing letters, but never mentioned the suicide attempt. I apologized for leaving so quickly, and not saying goodbye, but she said she understood why I felt I needed to move and start over.

I had also written Ellen a letter, apologizing for the way I treated her, but never received a response.

I had never told anyone what I had tried to do to myself. But to now be able to talk about it with someone had gone through their own personal hell was such an incredible relief.

I literally felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I could tell Mindy also felt relieved to be able to share her story with someone who truly understood.

When I say that Mindy and I comforted each other, that doesn’t even begin to tell how much closer we both were now.

Mindy’s suicide attempt occurred during summer break from school, and she said they told everyone she had had food poisoning.

Even Sara did not know that Mindy had actually tried to take her own life. Mindy thought Sara probably suspected the truth, but they never discussed it.

When Mindy told me about her suicide attempt she did not know Tom actually blamed himself, even more than Jennifer. I found that out later when Tom and I were talking about the day Mindy tried to take her own life, and the aftermath.

“My pride would not allow me to acknowledge that Jennifer had needs I could no longer meet,” he confessed, “and my pride almost cost me my daughter’s life.”

Finally, I told Mindy I now understood something else that Julie had said to me in my dream.

She, of course, asked what, and I explained I had not told her everything Julie had said.

After Julie told me how much I needed you, and how much you needed me, I told Julie I couldn’t because I had done something terrible. I was starting to explain about the gun, and about trying to kill myself when Julie stopped me.

“Alan, you don’t understand,” she said, “He (looking upward) remembers everything, but once He forgives, it is like it never happened. If you could talk to Him now, and said something about trying to kill yourself, He would not understand because as far as He is concerned, it never happened.”

When I protested I had never asked for forgiveness, she stopped me again.

“When He sent you the birds and the squirrels, AND YOU LISTENED, that was both forgiveness asked and forgiveness given,” she said.

Then Julie said, “He has forgiven you both – you and Mindy.”

“I didn’t understand what He had forgiven you for, and could not ask you then,” I said.

We made love very tenderly, then fell asleep in each other’s arms, but not before I told Mindy I had a song that I wanted to try to sing for her. The song is “There! I’ve Said It Again,” by Bobby Vinton.

Mindy smiled and kissed me on the chest.

And she told me she loves me.

“I do love you, Alan,” she said.

“But I’ve loved you even longer,” she declared!

We made love when I woke her up the next morning, made love again in the walk-in shower, then I drove her to her house where she changed clothes and I drove her to school.

It was Friday, the last day of high school for this young woman I had come to love so much, in such a short period of time. After dropping her off, I waited until a certain store opened, then made a small, but expensive purchase.

After picking her up at school, we returned to my house where we made love again, but much more subdued than the day before. Then we had to go to her house so she could change clothes.

“This back and forth stuff to change clothes really, really sucks,” she again complained.

I agreed, but didn’t know what else to say. She was only 18 after all!

We spent the rest of the day together and made love several more times, then it was time for her graduation, which was scheduled for six pm.

We drove to the auditorium where the graduation program was being held, she went inside to put on her cap and gown with her classmates, and I went inside to find a place to sit where I could tape the entire program for Tom and Jennifer.

The program was wonderful, and Mindy gave a great speech. I could not believe any one person could earn all the awards and honors Mindy received. It seemed like every other award and honor went to her!

Of course I had to again tell her what a geek and nerd she was, but she not only grinned her old familiar grin, but then told me I was also just as big a geek and nerd as she was!

We went to dinner afterward, and after eating, I reached into my pocket and handed her “a little something for graduation for my favorite geek and nerd.”

I told her I had bought it at K-Mart, at the Blue Light Special.

She opened it, and started crying. It was a pair of diamond earrings. Large diamond earrings.

“This didn’t come from K-Mart,” she said, when she saw the name of the jewelers on the box.

She leaned over and kissed me, then put the earrings on. They looked so beautiful on her. And she again told me I was just as big a geek and nerd as she was!

We returned to my house, and the diamond earrings looked even better when that was all she was wearing! We made love again, then fell asleep.

The next morning we made love again when we woke up, and while we were lying together Mindy said she had never been so happy in her life, and asked if this happiness could continue.

I told her that none of us know the future, but if she wanted to know how long I would love her, then I had a song that would explain.

I grabbed my mp3 player, hooked it up to a pair of speakers, and played a little Johnny Mathis song:

Mindy loved the song, and we made love again, humming the song together. She then put on her clothes from the day before, then I drove her over to her house so she could change.

When she came back out, she again complained about having to drive back and forth just to change clothes.

Not knowing quite how to respond, I asked her what she wanted to do today, go back to the beach, or just stay around home.

“Alan,” she began, “do you really love me?”

I assured her I loved her completely, totally.

She again asked if I really, really loved her.

Once again, I told her how important she was to me, and how much I loved her. And just like in the song, I would love her until the 12^th of Never.

“Then I want to get all my clothes and stuff and move in with you,” she said.

Wow!

I don’t think there is anything that, normally, would have made me happier than to have this beautiful young woman move in with me.

But this was anything but normal.

I think the first words out of my mouth were: “Your parents will kill us!”

Mindy insisted that wasn’t so, and after considering it I answered: “Yes, YOU they will probably let live. I will be a dead man!”

Mindy started telling me how much both Tom and Jennifer liked me.

She even said Tom often said he felt like I could have been his son.

“That just means he will regret having to kill me, but I will still be just as dead!” I answered.

For the next two hours we talked ... and talked ... and talked.

Not once did Mindy resort to tears.

Instead she talked about how special the week had been so far, how much we loved each other, and she talked a LOT about my dream. If Julie, Joseph and Jason, and by implication, the man above, all wanted the two of us to be together, then how could we tell them they were wrong?