Chapter 60

It wasn’t until the next evening that we were able to get anything done, of course. It was all in a good cause, and even as we hunted for Lucifer, I could feel Becky Rosen’s eyes ogling me half of the time. She wasn’t alone, of course. Margaery also lusted for me, as did my entire posse, come to think of it. Even so, we managed to get things done. We tracked Lucifer’s hoofprints, as it were, to a park or campsite or clearing in some out of the way town in the middle of nowhere, or rather, to some hamlet in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

I wasn’t entirely sure of why Lucifer would bother going there, but he was Satan, and he was a very powerful angel, so his mind simply operated on a different wavelength. He hated people, so maybe he just wanted to deal with a lot fewer of them. God, or rather Chuck, knew that the UP didn’t exactly have a lot of residents or inhabitants or whatever. That did remind me of that silly Bible version from the Book of Revelation, “Woe, woe, woe to the inhabitants of the Earth, for the Devil has come down to you, having great wrath, for he knoweth that his time is short.”

Not that I cared much. The Bible was completely false outside of this particular universe, and even there, it was mistaken about a lot. I personally thought that the Apocalypse of St. Peter was a better read, but what do I know? I just wanted to put the Devil on ice and make Hell freeze over at last. Or something like that. Then I could whack Michael and probably Chuck with a clear conscience, knowing that Satan wouldn’t just step into their place.

It wasn’t until I reached Ground Zero, the spot where the Devil surfaced, that I noticed what he was up to there. He had slaughtered everyone at the VFW, of all places, mostly ancient or aging veterans who had seen plenty of horror in their lives. What was his purpose there, anyway? Well, he clearly wanted to take out as many humans as possible, as quickly as possible, so he went with the low-hanging fruit, the elderly. That made perfect sense from his perspective.

“Well, well, well ... look who the Cass dragged in!” Lucifer smirked as he saw me, “I don’t believe that we met. I know Sam and Dean, of course. And Anna, from way back. But you, buddy, you’re a blank slate to me. Tabula rasa, as the Romans would say.”

“Roger Waters. Just call me... ‘Roger Waters,’ of course. I’m a vampire. And this is my gang. My posse, if you will. So, what’s up, doc?” I imitated Bugs Bunny with the whole “carrot chewing” gesture.

“Wascally wabbit!” I heard behind me, turning to see Chuck Shurely, of all people.

What the fuck was he doing here? Well, he was God in this universe, so he must have used that whole “omniscience” power of his and tracked me down here. I naturally wondered how Cas would react to the presence of his “father” among us, and if it would cause him to betray us all. For that matter, what would Anna do? That was when another figure arrived, eyes blazing with rage and purpose.

“Michael,” Chuck acknowledged.

“Why are my eyes intact?” Becky asked abruptly.

“Probably because he has to keep his boner down, right, boy? No raised tail, either. He knows better than to try to show up his old man. You do know that I’m God, right? For those who didn’t get the memo, that is,” Chuck confronted everyone with this bald fact.

“Yeah, some God you turned out to be, huh?” Dean blurted.

“Yeah, as a Supreme Being, well, you’re a bit of an underachiever,” Sam added.

“You’re mad at me. I get it. I hear it all the damn time, ad nauseam. Why doesn’t God do this or that? I hear it constantly, right to my face, from people who have no fucking idea that they’re complaining about me. Talk about the ultimate episode of ‘Undercover Boss.’ And I get it, as I said. Nothing that I say will make sense to you, but frankly, I’m retired, guys. That’s the God’s honest truth here, take it from me.

“I just wanted to see that this business is handled, so I can go safely back into retirement without getting fouled up by this whole hot mess of a world that you boys seem so damn eager to create. I was just going to go down with the ship, but for some reason, I now feel a bit proprietary about my creation. At least to the point of wanting to save enough of it to kick back, enjoy life, and get laid as much as I wish,” Chuck insisted.