After five years together, three of them married, my wife was caught straying. Not very far. To redress the balance, I gave myself a free pass. Not very far. We’ve found that two wrongs can make a right. Well, it seems to be working out just fine for us.

Dad and I had been spending our Saturday replacing the worst of the rotted siding on my grandparents’ house. It was coming up to two o’clock and we were thinking about stopping for something to eat, when Mom called my cell to tell me that my wife Helen had hurt herself and been taken to the hospital to be checked over.

“Hurt badly?”

“No, she just banged her head, knocked herself silly. They took her in so they can be sure she’s okay. You ought to be with her, Hal.”

“Thanks, Mom, I’ll go over right now.”

We finished fixing the plank we were actually working on, then I got in my car and went over to the hospital. I didn’t have any idea what Helen had been up to; she’d only gone over to keep my sister Sally company for a few hours until my sister-in-law Erica got home. How the heck she’d gotten herself hurt sitting around their kitchen table drinking tea and gossiping, I had no idea. I didn’t even question why it had been Mom who called me, rather than Sal.

I’d parked up and was just getting out of the car when I got a call from Erica. I climbed back in the seat to take it. She told me exactly how Helen had gotten banged up, and it wasn’t pretty. Neither of us were at all happy about it.

My cell rang again almost as soon as Erica had hung up; it was Mom. She had Sal with her on speaker, and they were both crying. I didn’t give them a chance to speak, just told them curtly that I’d call back when I wanted to talk to them, and not before. I hung up, switching off the phone.

I held my temper while I navigated the hospital administration and billing paperwork (why is it they always want to talk payment before you get to see your loved one?), and eventually found myself in Helen’s room. She was awake, sitting up in the bed in one of those ugly hospital gowns, but seemingly wired for sound. The nurse had explained that as she’d hit her head, they were being extra cautious just in case it was concussion. The nurse left, and I stared at my wife, waiting for her to start the conversation. She stuttered, and then came out with her excuse.

Not her apology and regret, her excuse.

“Honey, I did it for us!”

I was struck dumb for a few moments. I’d always thought that my wife was mostly sensible and level-headed – and now she was spouting complete drivel. Maybe she had scrambled her brain on that closet door.

“Helen, how the heck do you work THAT one out?”

“I was afraid that you were getting bored with making love with me! We were both so inexperienced when we met, and I’ve never been with anyone else, so I don’t know all the ways to please you. I was worried that we might be missing out, that our loving might be getting too vanilla, so I wanted to see what I could learn.”

I exhaled loudly to show my disbelief. I guess the expression on my face didn’t look too sympathetic, either.

“It’s true, sweetie! It was only sex, I was doing it out of curiosity. You’re the one I love, the one I wanted to learn to please.”

I snorted. I’d been with only a couple of girls before I’d started dating Helen, and we’d been learning together since we’d tied the knot. Okay, we weren’t doing some of the extreme sexual athletics that porn stars do, but who else does? At four or five times a week (and extra at weekends) I was pretty satisfied with our sex life three years in. It was news to me that Helen wasn’t.

“Why didn’t you ever say something to me, tell me that you felt like that? We could have looked at porn films again, or bought books, learned that way, like most people do. I didn’t know that you were dissatisfied with our loving?”

“I wanted to give you a real nice surprise. Honey, it didn’t mean anything, I swear!”

I stood up from my chair beside the hospital bed. Her brain circuits were definitely shorting out if she was thinking this way.

“So, let me get this straight. My sister is looking like she’s getting divorced, my Mom sounds distraught, you’re in the hospital for overnight observation, I’m all upset, our own marriage is absolutely headed for the rocks, and all for something that didn’t mean anything, meaningless and cheap. Have I got that bit right?”

The tears were running down her cheeks. I hoped they were genuine; I didn’t want to suddenly discover that my wife was a great actor as well as an adulterer.

“NO! It’s not at all like that. All I wanted to do was learn some practical skills!”

I shook my head in despair. The stupid bitch STILL didn’t fucking get it.

“How could you be so fucking dumb? My sister in law rushes home from a business trip just as soon as she can get away, discovers you naked and sweaty in bed with her wife and understandably loses it with the two of you; in the screaming and confusion you panic, fall out the bed and knock yourself out on the closet, with probable concussion, and two marriages end just because you wanted to learn to eat pussy?”

“No, it was all a terrible mistake!”

I managed to control myself, just. I’ve never yet hit a woman, I wouldn’t like myself if I did, but at that moment I felt so outraged that I feared I might.

“Were you eating Sally’s pussy when Erica caught you? Yes or no?”

A long drawn out pause. I thought that I’d have to ask again. My fists were clenched so tight in anger that it was beginning to hurt.

“Yes, but...”

“Helen, what good was it going to do OUR relationship for you to become a champion muff muncher? You may not have noticed over the last five years, but actually, I’m a guy. I’ve got a dick. You’re the one with a pussy. You can’t reach your own pussy, you know, exactly like I can’t suck my own dick. The one in our marriage who gets to suck dick is you, and I’m the guy who gets to play with your pussy, and your pussy only. I don’t play with Erica’s pussy, because she’s not my wife, she’s somebody else’s wife. I don’t play with Sally’s pussy either, because she’s also not my wife and is married to someone else, but mainly because she and I have the same parents. You know, the ones who were sitting in the pew next to us when we made those vows to each other, to forsake all others? See this ring on my finger? Like the one on yours? They signify something, something real important. I guess that Sally also forgot that she was standing behind you with your bridal flowers in her hands when you committed to me, not to anyone else, and certainly not to my fucking sister.”

I paused for breath, and got even more in Helen’s face.

“So, honey, tell me, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING NAKED IN BED WITH MY SISTER? Why the hell should I even THINK about staying married to a cheating bitch like you?”

The alarm went off on one of the machines she was hooked up to. I guess her blood pressure or pulse rate hit an upper or lower limit, and set it off. Whatever caused it, I quickly got shunted out the way by a couple of nurses and was told to lose myself.

I can do what I’m told occasionally. I got lost. Hell, there wasn’t a whole lot of use in me staying around. All I’d do is get angrier.

When I was safely out of the building, and wasn’t going to get yelled at for using my cellphone near medical equipment, I pulled it out of my pocket and turned it back on. Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Jeez! Ping! Fourteen missed messages and voicemails! Sal, Mom, Sal, Mom, Mom, Sal, Sal, Erica, Mom, Sal, Mom, Sal, Sal, Sal.

I called Erica back, she was the other wronged party, and the only person I was willing to talk to at the moment. She sounded just like I felt, somewhat beaten and drained, trying to make sense of it all. I couldn’t quite believe what Helen had done to me, shit, what my own fucking sister had done. From the unusual strain in her voice, neither had she yet gotten over the shock of her discovery.

“Thanks for getting back to me, Hal. How did it go?”

“Not good. Not looking great. How’s Sally?”

“Not good either. I sent her over to stay with your folks, told her to get out of my fucking sight before I said something I couldn’t ever take back.”

“That would explain why Mom’s trying to get hold of me so much. I shan’t ask if you’re okay, ‘cos I can hear the answer in your voice. You shouldn’t be going through this on your own. I’m coming over to your place right now. HOW the fuck could they do this to us? You and I need to talk about what we’re gonna do. Shall I stop off at a liquor store on my way?”

That at least raised a chuckle.

“Are we going to share a bottle, or will you need a whole one of your own?”

Neither of us are great drinkers; we both enjoy a beer or a glass of wine, but we don’t ever drink to get blitzed, don’t see the point of losing control. Not before today, we didn’t. Now, drinking myself into oblivion didn’t sound all that bad an idea, but it wouldn’t do anything to solve our problem, and we’d feel even lousier in the morning.

I looked at my watch, it was now past four o’clock. I’d missed lunch by going to the hospital; I suspected Erica hadn’t thought about making herself something. I decided to try another tack.

“Have you eaten yet? Shall I pick something up?”

“Great idea! Comfort food. Barbecue and beer?”

I could hear the renewed interest in her voice. Neither of us ever stay down for long. It would do me the world of good to have a grousing session with Erica; she was a genuine friend as well as my current sister-in-law. At the moment, I’d much rather keep Erica in their divorce than I would Sally, but our Mom probably wouldn’t see it quite that way. Don’t get me wrong, they thought Erica was the best thing to ever happen to Sal, but Sal was blood and Erica wasn’t. If Mom had to take sides, she’d be looking out for Sal. I’d have to try to head her off at the pass so she didn’t have to go that far, because that would ruin her relationship with Erica.

“How about maybe a couple of quarts of ice cream, just in case the barbecue doesn’t work its usual magic?”

That did make her laugh. I was glad to hear that; she’d sounded as down as I felt. Both of us had been cheered by that short exchange; I didn’t feel so alone now, and I hoped she felt similar.

“Okay, Hal, let’s make it a party. See you in a few.”

I picked up the food and beer and headed over to Erica and Sal’s place. My sister-in-law was holding the door open for me as I carried in the supplies. The kitchen table was already set with plates, silverware and paper towels; she took the ice cream from me and dropped it into the icebox for later.

We hugged; I could feel the love and sympathy coming off of her, and I hoped she was getting the same consolation from me. We toasted each other with our beers and got stuck in to the barbecue and salad. It was good comfort food, just what we needed.

We talked as we ate. Erica went over again exactly what she’d discovered when she’d arrived home; we discussed what we thought might have been the reasons why they’d done it. My guess was mere curiosity; they’d been in a safe space, they were good friends, it had happened. Erica also suspected that Sal had been feeling horny after a week without getting laid, and had done most of the seducing.

I shook my head sadly.

“Jeez, couldn’t she even wait another day until you got back home?”

“I guess not, though it’s not like her. It must have been just waiting to happen sometime, and today happened to be an opportunity they couldn’t resist. She keeps wanting to talk to me, I want more time to think about how I feel. How many calls have you had so far?”

I fished out my phone. Two more from Mom and three from Sal.

“Nineteen!”

“They must think you’ll be a whole lot easier to talk round. I’ve only gotten eleven.”

Her phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen.

“My bad. Twelve.”

“You answered any of them?”

“Yeah. Told Sal to stay the fuck away until I told her she could come home, told your Mom to let me cool off if she didn’t want a divorced daughter. Not sure they quite understood. If they had, they wouldn’t still be calling me.”

“I tried that too. Doesn’t seem to have worked for me either. You planning on letting Sal come back?”

She sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

“I reckon so, no I KNOW so. I’ve got way too much invested in the silly bitch for this to be the end of it. Four years. It’s not like she’s been serial cheating on me with strangers, and I still love her, more fool me. How’s Helen?”

“Totally confused, a little frightened.”

I explained what had gone at the hospital. My sister-in-law was incredulous.

“She really thought you’d believe that line?”

“Maybe she is concussed.”

Erica giggled.

“She did hit the closet pretty hard when she fell off of the bed. You going to pick her up from the hospital, let her come home too?”

“She’s nowhere else to go, so I guess so. They’ll keep her in overnight. Same as you, I don’t love her any the less, and at least she wasn’t out trying strange dick. I wouldn’t mind keeping her off balance for a bit, though. She needs to realize what she’s done. Oh yeah, she was so busy making excuses that she plumb forgot the bit where she was supposed to say ‘sorry’.”

“Uh huh. Sal’s not been too great on that front either. At least she hasn’t yet said that she was trying for some variety.”

I laughed bitterly.

“Helen, she was the one who foolishly promised her mother that she’d stay a virgin until her wedding night, and wouldn’t let me go all the way before then, even with an engagement ring on her finger. If I hadn’t managed to persuade her to try oral sex, our relationship might never have made it that far, but I loved her enough to take it on the chin. Now she’s claiming that it’s a bad thing that she’s never had sex with anyone but me. That’s a bit fucking rich.”

“Not a good look when you’ve just decided to start a family.”

That was something we’d all been talking about for a while. Mom had always wanted grandbabies, but hadn’t yet been bending our ears too hard on the subject; she knew deep down that we had to genuinely be ready for that radical a change in our lives. Helen and I had only recently gotten into a position where we felt financially secure enough to think about her getting pregnant and not working for a few years. She’d come off the birth control shot by default when the last one had expired; we hadn’t had it renewed. Maybe it was still too soon to complicate things with a child; if we did divorce over Helen’s little escapade with Sally, at least it would be straightforward. Erica and Sal had also been talking kids; that would have been even more complicated.

“No, it’s not. She’s still the one I want to be the mother of my children, but if it had been anyone else she’d been with, I’d have genuinely been rethinking that conclusion. She’s not protected any longer, so if it had been a guy and she was risking getting knocked up by someone else, she’d have been out of the door. Thank goodness that didn’t happen.”

“Yeah, that’s how I feel. It wasn’t a stranger, it wasn’t a real threat to our marriage, so I’m probably going to let it ride. I’m still pretty pissed at them both for going behind our backs, though.”

“I guess we need them to know they’ve gone well over the line, and that they ain’t gonna get any more chances.”

“Uh-huh.”

There was a silence before she spoke again.

“So we scare them, but we’re gonna take them back?”

“That’s what I’m thinking. Unless it’s worse than it seems, but I doubt that very much.”

“Yeah, from their reaction when I busted them, I don’t think there’s ever been anyone else involved.

Her phone buzzed. She glanced down.

“Thirteen. Mom.”

“Looks like we might have to scare Mom a little bit too.”

“Why don’t you call her and tell her to stop pestering us, because they’re just pissing off both of us. It might come better from you; she’ll allow you a bit of cussing.”

“I’ll do that right now.”

I pressed the speed-dial for Mom, put her on speaker so Erica could hear, and told her straight that if she didn’t want two divorces in the family, mine and Sally’s, she’d back off RIGHT NOW and make damn sure we didn’t get any more calls from her or Sally until after she heard from us again. I also informed her that Erica, Helen and I would be joining them for Sunday lunch and that home-made meatloaf followed by apple pie might be appropriate, even if poor little misunderstood Sally was going to be up all damn night baking. (I only called Sal ‘Sally’ when we were on the outs, and Mom knew that.)

Mom was mostly making the correct noises by the time I let her have her say. She was obviously keen to make things right as soon as possible, but she too agreed that Helen and Sal had been real dumb. I suspected she’d only heard a sanitized version of events, but didn’t want to go there just yet. I decided to push her a little more, ram home my point that Erica and I, as the aggrieved parties, wanted to be left alone until WE decided we were ready to speak to them.

“Do I need to talk to Dad as well, get him to take your phones off of you, so you can’t blow it for Sally? Erica and I mean it, any more calls and we’re seeing divorce lawyers on Monday. Sally and Helen got us all into this mess, they can darn well allow us time to sort out our feelings, and that includes YOU. No more Momma Bear. They’ll get their chance to speak, but not right now. Capisce?”

Mom sounded a little more worried. Chances were that Dad had been given an even more sketchy reason than the actual truth for Sal being at home tonight.

“No, honey, please leave your father out of it. He doesn’t need to be upset. Message received loud and clear. That dumb daughter of mine is going to have to live with whatever it is she’s done for tonight; and I just pray that there’s a way back for you all. Tell Erica that we love her very much, and that we’ll see you at lunch. Thank you for talking to me.”

“Just make sure that Dad understands that Sally has done something wrong. I don’t want you sugar-coating it so that he blames Erica, Sally is the offender. Oh, and Mom, do NOT go and visit Helen in hospital. She needs time alone to reflect on what she’s done. She’s my wife first, and that’s what I’m telling you. If any of you go, any of you even call her, she’s divorced. Got that?”

I could tell from the silence that Mom wanted to say a whole lot more, about why I was being so cold about it, that I was taking this not talking to them to extreme. She was probably gonna try to feed me the line that it didn’t mean anything, just a bit of girl play that had gone a little too far. I didn’t give her the chance to dig herself a hole, I cut the call without saying goodbye. She needed to understand that I was a little pissed at her as well. I looked up to see Erica’s eyebrows raised.

“Momma Bear?”

I grinned.

“She can get a little protective sometimes. While that’s no bad thing, in this case she can’t protect her daughter from her own deliberate stupidity. I was just explaining that I won’t have her interfering. Sal and Helen have got to find out that there are consequences of their actions. They gotta learn a lesson from this.”

We switched off our phones anyway. No point in getting into it further with Mom unless we had to. If Sal was dumb enough to try calling again, then we might end up saying something so hurtful that it couldn’t be taken back.

We helped the last of the barbecue go down with a second beer and then took turns at the sink to wash the sweet stickiness off of our fingers and faces with hot water from the faucet. God, I LOVE barbecue! I looked up from the towel to see Erica grinning like a naughty kid.

“You know that cherry brandy that you liked so much at Thanksgiving? I bought another bottle. You think it might go with ice cream?”

I smiled back at her. From what I could remember of that night, it had slipped down way too easily. It hadn’t had all that much of a kick, kinda mellow and crept up on you.

“Erica, honey, you have the BESTEST ideas. I guess that’s why you’re my very favorite sister-in-law. Half and half?”

“A good place to start.”

Okay, so maybe it didn’t work all that well with pistachio flavor, but with the double choc chip, we discovered we had a match made in heaven. Perhaps a chocolate-smothered sweet cherry on top would have made it perfect.

After our third helping, our fourth shot on top of two beers, Erica made me hand over my keys. I was still just about sober enough to know that it was a sensible move. I did not need a DUI on my record, especially if I was headed for the divorce court where Helen’s attorney would use any dirt he could dig on me. She put my keys in a draw, gave us both another scoop of ice cream and another shot, and then sat down at the table again.

“Hal, have you worked out who you are going to use your get out of jail card with?”

“Pardon me?”

“if we are going to let them slide on this, then they are going to owe us, big time. We should have a free pass with someone of our choice, just to make it even. I once had a real crush on George Clooney, but in my defense I was very young and impressionable at the time, and he’s way too old now. That new actor guy who won the Oscar, Rami Malek, the other way round, I could go for him, but he’s probably a little too busy right now. I’ll have to do some thinking. Who would be on your list?”

I laughed.

“Err, Erica, you’ve just named two guys. Aren’t you, umm, playing for the other team?”

“Me? No, I’ve never been a real hard-core lesbian. I’ve had a few boyfriends, before I ever met Sal. Haven’t you ever noticed that I’m not a tattooed butch man-hater? I just fell in love with your sister, and I’ve felt things for her that I never did for a guy. Maybe using my free pass on a man will pull her up short.”

Erica and I had never discussed her sexuality; it wasn’t any of my business, and I accepted her as she was, the lady my sister was in love with. Of course it helped that I really liked her as a person; I reckoned we could have been good buddies even if she hadn’t been my sister-in-law.

“Boy, that could freak her out big time. She spent a whole lot of time talking our folks round into accepting that she was gonna marry you, and suddenly it’s not quite as straightforward as she said. I know she used to date guys at high school; does she swing both ways?”

“Yes, but I guess most teenage girls are latently bisexual. We just happened to hit it off so absolutely that the decision was almost made for us. Well, answer the question, Hal, who would you do?”

I had to think about that one. Since I’d gotten together with Helen, I haven’t ever needed to fantasize about other women. She’d given me pretty much everything I’d wanted in a wife, well, up until the little issue with faithfulness and commitment that we’d found out about that day.

“All the movie stars I had the hots for when I was a kid have gotten older too. I used to lust after that actor in Resident Evil, Milla Jovovich, but she’s way too much of a ball-buster. She’d probably accidentally kill me and not even notice. No, can’t think of another just now. Come on, Erica, you must have a girl crush?”

“Well, you know we all went and watched that new Star Wars film? I guess I wouldn’t say no to Daisy Ridley?”

I chuckled.

“I’ve no idea if she swings your way, but if you get her, you might pass me her cell number so I can console her when you dump her for not being Sal.”

I got a big laugh for that one, so I could tell Erica was getting back to normal. The happy sister-in-law I knew and loved. Then she surprised me.

“Yeah, we both wish. That is SO not gonna happen. Back to the real world. Forget Hollywood, that’s all fantasy. How about that new girl in accounts, Kayla? If her tits are genuine, I could go for her.”

(Erica and I work at the same place; when I moved back home from college just over three years ago, she and Sal were already dating exclusively, and she was round the house a whole lot. Erica told me that her firm was growing and hiring, so I applied, and got taken on. Once I had the job locked in, I called Helen, she and her mother fixed a date, I found us an apartment and we got wed. When Erica and Sal also got married, we both declared our new family relationship to HR, but they were fine with that. Said it wasn’t likely to cause any conflicts as long as neither of us reported to the other. At the time Erica was in development, I was in production, so it wasn’t likely ever to be an issue.)

I’d had enough beer and cherry brandy to consider that suggestion seriously; normally I’d have laughed it off as a really bad idea, fishing off of the company dock even if I had been single, which I wasn’t. Kayla was mid-twenties, like us, but single, blonde-haired, big-titted and flirty. She’d seemed okay on the couple of occasions I’d been over to accounts. I’d also seen her in the corridors; her butt was worth watching, and she had a sassy walk on her. Not that I’d ever entertained the slightest thought of straying, but Kayla was one of several ladies who brightened up the workplace.

“Yeah, I haven’t heard any gossip about her, but if she plays, I guess I wouldn’t mind a game with her. My guess is that they’re real, but I haven’t looked all that closely. Not something I’ve studied.”

“D’you think she’d go for a threesome?”

“You and Sal?”

“No, silly, you and me.”

“You’d have sex with a woman with me watching?”

She smirked at me, raising an eyebrow as if I was a moron. Maybe I was, or she’d been too subtle in her remarks. I’m a man, I can’t receive subliminal messages like a woman can. It’s not my fault, I was born like that.

“I kinda hoped that maybe I’d get to have sex with you as well as her?”

I sobered up a whole lot in the next ten seconds. My mouth was making like a goldfish; finding words was suddenly real tricksy.

“Erica, are you hitting on me?”

She giggled.

“Damn right I am. Why not? I like you a whole lot, you’re a genuinely nice guy, you’ve always treated me with respect, you’ll still love me in the morning, from what Helen tells us you’re pretty good in bed, caring and loving. Sure, I’d like to have sex with you. I reckon we could have a real good time together. How about you?”

Oh crap. Confession time. What’s worse, although I knew I’d just blundered into a hole, I was still enough under the influence to blurt out the truth. Yeah, from the first time I’d met Erica, I’d been more than a little in lust and love with her, but she was my sister’s steady date, AND I was engaged to Helen, so I wasn’t ever going to go there. You’d have to be extreme redneck with a hide like a rhinoceros to steal your own sister’s girlfriend, and I wasn’t brought up that way. Besides, Mom and Dad would have killed me if I’d wrecked Sal’s romantic plans. She’d been hurt by a failed love affair in high school, and they were extra-protective of her after that.

(Yeah, while I’m confessing, I’ll admit that one of my first thoughts after Erica being introduced to me as Sal’s girlfriend was that it was a crying shame that a hottie like her was batting for the other team. A real waste.)

I tried to dig myself out of the hole a little.

“Erica, I’ve always liked you and found you attractive, and I sure wouldn’t turn you down. BUT, if the two of us are ever going to make love, I’m not doing it when we’re drunk. It’s got to be in the cold light of day.”

She grinned. Not quite a smile, maybe a little on the wolfish end of the spectrum. Okay, a LOT wolfish. Whoops! Looked like I should have stopped digging.

“You just fucked up, sugar, you let me see what you really think. You said ‘make love’ rather than ‘have sex’. I’d say that proves that you do love me. You respect me enough not to want a drunken fumble. Okay, I’ll keep my claws out of you for the moment, as long as you’ll hold me close all night long. I don’t want to sleep alone tonight, but you’d better be in the mood for some loving in the morning.”

It was a no-brainer. I’d have to stay over anyway, I was in no state to drive. I too would welcome company. And chances were that I wasn’t going to turn down anything I was offered come the morning; we’d see what happened when we both sobered up.

“That’s a deal. I don’t want to be on my own either.”

“Gotta be skin-to-skin, though. We need to know.”

In my book that wasn’t ever going to be an issue; my wife and sister had been naked together earlier in the day. Once again, they’d been there first, so they had no grounds for complaint if we followed their example.

“I can do that.”

We cleared up the table, Sal put the barbecue containers straight out in the trash so as not to attract ants into the house, I briefly called the hospital to check on Helen, Erica called Mom to check on Sal, and we headed upstairs.